- Well...I guess it was to be expected. Sam wanted MAJOR details today about last night's date with Joanna. LOTS of details. He actually wanted them last night as soon as I came home. He knows my curfew better than he knows his own! But I didn't answer the phone when he called. I guess I just didn't want to get too far into it at the time. Or maybe I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he caught me. But, whatever it was, I knew I couldn't avoid him forever, so I caved in and agreed to meet him and hang out at the 'Hill' today when he called again. I think he was more excited than I ever could be. He was practically bouncing around on his bottom when he heard that she had kissed me on the cheek. Geez! It's not like I hiked up her skirt on the bus and touched her 'goodies' or something! Still, he wanted a high five and a smile every few seconds, and it was almost insulting. Like I said before, if it had been another boy that I was dating, one who made me infinitely happy and loved me as much as I loved him...I doubt that Sam would treat it with the same enthusiasm. In fact, I doubt he'd want to hear about it at all. He'd be all, "Eeeewwwww!" and "Yuck!" and "DON'T tell me!" Arrgh! He's my best friend in the world and he always will be, but I have to admit, it made me angry to think that this was more about me being 'normal' as opposed to me being 'happy'. Weird.
You wanna know what else is strange, the more he cheered me on, the more he upset me with being so predictably straight...the more beautiful he got to me. What kind of SICK JOKE is fate trying to play on me anyway?!?! I'm serious...looking at him, he got to be more attractive than ever, as though this forbidden fruit was dangling right in front of a starving man and I just couldn't get my mouth on it fast enough. I think it made me even angrier to know that he was looking so scrumptious to me at the moment, and I was further away from him than I ever had been. It was heartbreaking, I tell you!
I had taken Joanna's phone number down, but had yet to call her back. I wasn't sure if last night was my completion of whatever requirement she had set for me, or if this meant a slightly longer sentence as far as being boyfriend/girlfriend was concerned. Ouch....a girlfriend. I may not have been completely sure about the whole 'liking boys' thing for that long, but I was never expecting to have a girlfriend. I just...I never let it cross my mind. As normal as it was for people to think that a so-called cutie pie like me would have one, it was more normal to me to never even have to think about it. It was one of those confusing little tests that life throws at you every now and then to keep you slightly off balance....and pretty much insane.
Unfortunately, I'm in the severe minority around here concerning sex. Which, let's face it....at 14 years old, school, parents, and sex (Or lack thereof), is pretty much....EVERYTHING! So my definition of 'normal' doesn't really count for shit here. I either play along with everybody else or I become a total outcast forever. Those are my only options. Do you know what happens to outcasts? No? Well me either. Because you never hear from them ever ever again.
Sigghhhhh....and I really don't wanna be the boy who vanished from the radar, you know?
Anyway, what this all comes down is...ummm...I guess I'll call Joanna. NOT right away though. I don't wanna look 'too' interested. Maybe tomorrow. Or even later...like next week. Who knows? I'm making this up as I go along anyway.
Tomorrow is Sunday, I plan to spend it all on my lonesome. I don't even want to see the daylight if I can help it. Relax the old mind-box and just chill for a day, you know?
Anyway, I gotta go. I'll write more later. G'night.
- YES! I did exactly what I said I was gonna do today. I stayed at home and vegged out for an entire 24 hour period. I had some homework to do, but I kinda pushed it to the back of my mind and purposely forgot about it. Hey...what is my teacher gonna do? KILL me? Besides, I'll have time to make it up in study hall tomorrow right before class. No harm no foul. I just needed the downtime today. That's all.
I don't know what it was about today. I wasn't hiding out for any particular reason, nor was I avoiding people to do anything constructive. I guess you just need to relax sometimes and let all of your worries and problems and heartaches go for a while. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and when you dwell on too much of that stuff at once, it becomes an incredible overload of thoughts. The pressure just keeps building until you're so lost that you totally burn out on everything around you and your brain just shuts down completely. That's pretty much the position I was in. Drowning in my own dilemmas. Especially when it came to my date this past Friday and the problems that it might be causing that I don't even SEE yet. That was probably the biggest factor in this emotional drain that I've got going on right now. My mind felt like it had gone numb, and it was like I needed to go numb with it today instead of trying to operate at 'half power'. I have to admit, it really really felt good. My body thanked me for the rest.
I watched TV all afternoon, hooked up the Playstation 2 to play a few video games for an hour or two, listened to some music...just slacker stuff. The phone rang and it was Sam's number on the caller ID. But I didn't pick it up. If I had to listen to him get all happy and jolly about me and Joanna one more time, I was likely to punch him right in the gut. It was just one of those bothersome feelings that I couldn't get rid of. It made me hate who I was, if only just a little bit. It's so STUPID to hate yourself for something that comes to you so naturally! Life shouldn't be like this. It just shouldn't.
I thought about that cute boy in the mall from last weekend. The one that I could tell was gay, the one that smiled and giggled in my direction, the one who had no problems being who he wanted to be in public. And I came to a simple conclusion. I was jealous. Seriously jealous. I envied him, and wondered if that could be me someday. If I could just...say 'fuck it' one morning, tell everybody I know that I'm gay, and just be FREE of all of this extra secretive bullshit. I wouldn't even be so 'obvious' about it, I'm not necessarily a sissy or anything. But I'd like to be able to walk past a cute guy and turn my head without having to worry about who was watching me. Without having to be careful of what I let slip out in a normal conversation. Without having to date someone just so I'll look acceptably 'common' in everybody's eyes. You know...sometimes, you really don't know how hard you have to work to stay in the closet until you find an outlet where you get to actually be yourself in front of someone else. Then it's like, JESUS...I can't believe that I kept it up for that long! I guess this book is my outlet for now. My only outlet. Even though I used to be terrified of what would happen if someone found it, and cringed at the thought of carrying it to school...I now run home and look forward to writing my thoughts down on these pages. As though it was my sigh of relief for a huge breath that I had been holding in all day long. It sucks. It really sucks to think that this book is the only 'truth' that I've got.
I know that I'm probably just blowing off steam, and the closet is where I need to be right now. Maybe even for a long time from now. But I HATE it! I HATE it! And one of these days I'm gonna be able to hold my head high and be who I want to be. Without the shame, without the paranoia, and without all the extra bullshit that comes with it. I'm marking this day down as a promise to myself...
...to one day actually BE myself.
Wish me luck.
That's all for now. I'll write more tomorrow. G'night.
- Oh wow...NEVER...in my wildest dreams...did I think I'd get to see this day! GUESS WHAT??? Today....I got to see JAMIE "FUCKING" CROSS half naked!!! Pant Pant, Huff Huff!!! I STILL can't catch my breath! OH fuck...he was EVERYTHING I thought he would be and more! It was after gym class, and I think he was there to take a mile run that he missed in one of his other classes. (High School LOVES to force kids to run the mile! I can't WAIT for the day when someone's heart explodes so they can STOP doing it altogether and save us the torture!) Anyway, I saw Jamie walk into the locker room with his gym bag, so I immediately slowed down with my getting dressed. But I made sure to pull my pants up just in case I popped wood in front of him. I was sooooo nervous, I was practically swallowing huge gulps of air just trying to breathe normally. My head started to spin as I saw him lift his shirt over his head.
OMIGOD!!! His chest was SOOOO CUTE!!! His super flat stomach, with that little peach fuzz treasure trail down into his pants! His smooth arms and shoulders! And when I saw him strip down to his boxers, and nothing else, I thought I was gonna fucking faint! Literally FAINT!!! You should have seen his ass! Oh geez....his ASS was AWESOME!!! The feelings that were shooting through me at that moment were more intense than anything I've ever known. I didn't know what to do with myself! I was so hard that I actually had to sit down on a bench and hold my shirt in my lap to keep from spraying the lockers with cum! I swear!
What was scariest about the whole thing is that no girl would ever be able to do that to me. No female of the species would ever be able to evoke this kind of emotional and physical response inside of me. I can't POSSIBLY see how another boy can't look at Jamie Cross and not fall completely in love with everything that he is. Inside and out. THAT....totally fucking baffles me! I mean....come ON!!! Jesus, he's one of the sexiest living specimens that I've ever laid eyes on! Whether you're straight or gay, you've GOT to at least notice that he's unnaturally HOT!!! How could they NOT? He's right there, his body radiating this sex appeal that would drop most human beings to their knees! If...if I was cute enough...cool enough...I'd 'get' him. I would SO totally 'get' him.
The whole experience put me in a daze for the next two hours. That homework that I was gonna finish in study hall? Forget about it. I was sitting at my desk, staring off into space like an idiot. I couldn't concentrate on 'anything'...just retracing the curves and lines of Jamie Cross' body in my mind. It's hard to do school work when your brain is preoccupied with thoughts of sliding your tongue up and down someone's chest.
There was no sight of Brandon today at all. Even with Jamie still fresh in my sexed up mind, you'd be surprised how much I miss Brandon during the course of my day when I don't see him. Especially since I know that he would have to go out of his way to avoid me. I mean...our school is pretty big, but it's not THAT big.
I also didn't talk to Joanna at all today, I didn't run into her at all. It was another one of those situations where I'm left wondering if she's waiting for me to call, or if she doesn't WANT me to call. Arrrgh! How the hell am I supposed to know what she's thinking??? She COULD give me a goddamn CLUE or something, ya know? Oh well, with women I guess I'm either supposed to have all of the answers to everything in the world, or be able to deal with the severe consequences of NOT having all the answers to everything in the world. And you wonder why guys turn gay. Because other GUYS don't usually need this much effort to be 'figured out'!
I don't know if I have a lot to report today. Life is sort of stuck in limbo right now, and while that's not really a good thing....it's not necessarily a BAD thing either. So I guess I should be thankful. We'll see though. Something tells me that this emotional chess game is far from over. Wish me luck. PLEASE!