- Okaaaay...so did I really make any progress today? Or was that all some kind of illusion made up by my mixed up mind and desperate mind? I'm willing to bet that it was the latter. Either way, Operation 'Keep Stevie's Grimy Hands Off Of My Pretty Boy' is now officially underway.
Sighhh...GOD, I hope Joanna was right about this!
Sam asked me a really weird question today. He was like, "So...if you and Brandon get back together, are you and me gonna be able to keep hanging out and stuff?" Which at first seemed really ridiculous to me. Of course we can still hang out. Why wouldn't Sam and I be able to hang out anymore? It's silly, right? But the more that comment lingered in my thoughts, the more I began to wonder if that would be the case. I mean...it's NOT that Sam hasn't been awesome about accepting me for who I am, because he's been really cool about it all. It makes me wonder why I ever doubted my best friend in the first place, you know? But then again...he has been kinda squeamish when it came to the actual 'details' of that lifestyle. I mean, he doesn't have a problem with ME...but...what happens when I actually bring another boy to the table? What happens if we kiss or hold hands? Is he gonna still make that 'Eww' face that I've gotten so used to? Would Brandon notice and feel...'weird' about it? It's sometimes hard to figure out if Sam is being totally cool or if he's just tolerating certain things for my sake. I should just come out and ask him. It's been working out for me so far, right?
Anyway, back to the main part of my day. So, I saw Brandon in the hall by himself (Thank God!), and I figured that it would be the perfect time to approach him with the lunch idea. Instead of just popping up out of nowhere.
He was wearing one of those shirts that I always thought made him look extra cute today. Being able to look at his eyes up close again just made me wiggle inside. Could it be that he's gotten even 'prettier' than he was before? I think I stared at him in awe for a few seconds before I was even able to speak.
I was like, "Hey...Brandon." I hope I didn't sound too dreamy when I said it. It's really hard to control the amount of mush my heart pumps out when I'm around him. Especially after missing him for so long.
He seemed a bit puzzled by me, and he's like, "What's up? Is something wrong?"
So I said, "No. Nothing's wrong. I just...I figured I'd say hello." And I fidgeted for a second, and added, "I miss talking to you, Brandon."
Ok, so maybe I should have left that last part out. But I meant every word of it. Brandon was like...smiling for a moment, and it made my whole BODY light up inside. "Don't go sweet talking me, Billy Chase. You must want something."
I'm like, "What makes you think I want anything?"
And he giggles, like, "Because whenever you're being sweet for the sake of asking for a favor, you fidget. And your voice gets really quiet. And you...um...stare. Hehehe!" I don't know why I didn't expect him to know damn near everything about me at this point. But it was cute, nonetheless.
So I simplified things while I still had a chance. "Well, actually...I was wondering if you'd mind me joining you for lunch today." At first Brandon's smile faded, and I almost winced from his reaction. I quickly added, "It's just...Sam and Joanna kinda wanted some 'alone' time today. And I didn't really want to be around them while they're being all...girly with each other. That's all." Of course, I thought that would be an awesome save....until I remembered that what I just said was basically a shot at Brandon and Stevie, who might want to be doing the same thing today. "Not that there's anything wrong with that. You know."
Brandon's like, "Uh huh..." But I think he instantly suspected something was up. Then he's like, "Well, I'll definitely talk to Stevie about it. You know...just in case he had 'plans' for us today or something."
The idea of them having 'plans' was like a knife in the heart, but I tried to stand strong. "Oh yeah, sure. I understand. Totally." That's about as nice as I can be about all this. I'm TRYING Joanna, I swear I am!
Brandon kinda looks at me strange, and it's almost intimidating enough for me to back out of the whole plan. I mean...I'm not trying to be the bad guy here, I just want a second chance to be better. You know? I just want him to look at me, and talk to me, and...sighhhh...just consider me as something more than that 'cheating asshole' that he's probably better off without. If I can just make my play, here and now...if I can just get him to NOTICE me again, then we can talk. And...if after that, he decides to go rolling around in the sheets with Stevie...
(UGH!!! It really bothers me to even picture that in my mind!)
...Then what choice do I have but to leave them alone? I guess I could give him that much respect. But NOT until after I get my shot! NOT until he gives me a fair chance to show him how much I'm willing to do to save this relationship. Only then can I even THINK about letting him go. I'm not just gonna let him screw somebody else until I'm absolutely sure that we're done.
God, help me. I know I ask for way too many favors...but this one is big. This one is really gonna make or break me here. So please...help me to win him back. I'll never fuck up again. I SWEAR!
So I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more...just so the few class periods between the first bell and lunch could hurry up and go by. Then I sprung out to push my backpack into my locker, and I went down to the cafeteria. I don't know why I was so eager, considering that Brandon hadn't exactly given me 'permission' to be there yet. But when I saw him walking towards the lunch line, my heart grew wings and nearly lifted me off my feet anyway. I raced over, almost pushing all the other kids out of my way, and said, "Brandon! What's up?" I was trying not to sound too excited, but the fact that I was out of breath from moving so fast didn't help any.
Brandon sorta looked at me, and he gave me a fake smile at first, but then he stepped out of line and pulled me with him. We moved far enough away to talk in private, and from the look on his face, I was worried that he was gonna tell me to shove off. He's like, "Billy...why are you doing this? I mean, this doesn't really make a whole lot of sense."
I was scared that this wasn't gonna work, but I told him, "What? I just thought we could eat lunch together like we used to. I'm just trying to get past the bullshit and be friends again."
He says, "Why don't I believe you?" Which...I've gotta admit, that hurt a LOT. He would have done less damage if he had sucker punched me in the stomach and ran away. He's like, "Billy, I don't know what you're up to, but I hope you understand that I meant what I told you last week. Ok? Seriously. Me and Stevie are trying to build something together...and I'm not gonna let you wreck it with some desperate attempt to get back together." Ow, ow, OWWW! Jesus! He knew how to really make those comments STING when he really wanted to!
But despite the pain of having him shut me out before I even got a chance to be...'nice'....I stood my ground. "I just miss you, Brandon. That's all it is. You said that we were done, and...I 'get' it, ok? But you offered to be friends, and....I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you at all. So...if you'd rather we didn't talk at all anymore..." I said it with a pout face. Yeah, I used a little bit of guilt on him, but he wasn't going to budge without it.
He paused for a second, and the look in his eyes softened a bit. But not much. He said, "Billy...please be happy for me? Ok? Please? I miss you too, but...if you're trying to just 'fix' everything that happened by pretending to be friends, you're wasting your time." I gave him my sworn promise that I just wanted to patch things up as friends and nothing more. All while waiting for another lightning bolt to strike me right through the cafeteria windows. Then Brandon sighed a bit, and he said, "Ok. Let's go. Stevie was actually pretty happy that you wanted to join us, so...he's kinda waiting on us to show up." Wait a minute...STEVIE...is happy....to meet ME???
I'm like, "He is?"
And Brandon told me, "Yeah. But PLEASE be nice to him, Billy! He can be really sensitive about how other people feel about him. He's a real sweetheart once you get to know him."
Awwww, stop TALKING about him like that! It tears me up seeing Brandon treat him like a...'boyfriend' already. I said, "I'll be nice. I swear."
He's like, "Cool. Let's go."
But I had to ask him, "Wait. Ummm...exactly how much did you tell him. I mean....about you and me."
Brandon hesitated on answering that for a moment, but then he whispered, "He knows that we dated for a while. But that's all. I told him it just didn't work out and that we were more like brothers than boyfriends, ok?" And that was yet another dagger stab in my side. More 'brothers than boyfriends'? Is that what he told him? Did he just give him the shortcut version of our entire relationship as though it was a passing thought? A 'detail' to be mentioned and then quickly forgotten in casual conversation? This is getting worse by the second, and Stevie isn't even a part of the misery yet? Then Brandon's like, "I didn't tell him about...you know...what happened. As far as he knows, it just didn't gel like it was supposed to."
Feeling a little heartbroken, I asked him, "Is that what you think? That we just....'didn't work'?" I couldn't bare to look him in the eye when I said it. But his reply gave me some comfort.
"For what it was...it was amazing." He said, and then asked, "Billy? Are you gonna be ok with this?" And I quickly told him that I'd be fine. So I fixed my hair a bit, and we went to grab a couple of trays and got lunch.
Brandon was walking faster than normal. It was like he just couldn't WAIT to get to his 'sweetheart'. I looked around him, and Stevie was already sitting at the table, biting into a green apple. His eyes lit up instantly when he saw us, and Brandon rushed over to go sit on his side of the table. Leaving me to sit all by myself on the other side. My heart was certainly being put through a fucking blender today.
Stevie was all cheerful and sweet, and he was like, "Sup, Billy? I was so happy to hear that you wanted to eat with us today. It's awesome to meet someone that 'knows' about him, you know?" Brandon blushed a bit, and gave him a little push to shut him up. "He's soooo shy about anybody knowing. You are TOO pretty to be so closeted, babe, hehehe."
Their interaction was just so...intimate. It already felt like I was too late, you know? I sat there and watched them talk, and giggle, and....'touch'. Sighhhh...I had to look down at my tray and just eat in silence while they tormented me by sharing a lovely lunch hour while not caring if I really 'participated' or not. Stevie was just...he's like the perfect boy. He's witty, and spontaneous, and...it's hard to look at his eyes without feeling like you're falling in love. And his smile was amazing enough to stop your heart completely. He got up to get a bottled water from the machine, and even his BODY was hot. It's like...really slim and sleek...I could probably get my hands around his waist if he sucked in his stomach just a little bit. And yet, he still had a really nice ass. It poked out a little bit from that skinny frame and just looked...'cute'. Small, and round, and tight. Far from being in Bobby Jinette's category, but hot nonetheless. Getting Brandon to stop being infatuated with a boy like that was NOT gonna be easy.
Then...Brandon wanted to buy some jello from the al a carte line...and he left me and Stevie alone. I instantly tried to busy myself with something else so I wouldn't have to, like, talk to him or anything. Well, Stevie just couldn't keep his cute little mouth shut! He's so nice! It's annoying!
He's like, "Dude, you should hang out with us more. I think it'll be fun. Brandon didn't wanna talk about you at first, but I made him tell me stuff whenever I could. Hehehe! You sounded awfully cool to me." Arrrgh! Can he even HELP himself when it came to that damn cheerful grin? Then he looks at Brandon in line, and he's like, "Geez...he is such a total babe. Everything about him is just...wow. I can't wait until we can actually go on a real date and just...enjoy being alone for a while."
I had to grit my teeth REALLY hard, but I was sticking to the plan. And I said, "Yeah...that'll be great. You two...should have fun together." God DAMMITT!!! I should've gone with the baseball bat idea! I KNEW it!
And THEN you know what this little emo fucker does??? He asks me, "So...you dated Brandon for a while, right? You got any tips that I could use? You know...to make the first date 'special'? Maybe I can surprise him with a little something extra."
Oh NO the fuck he DIDN'T just ask me for advice on how to seduce my boyfriend!!! I nearly crushed my soda can in my hand at the thought of it. I said, "I don't think I know of anything." That was the best I could come up with. The only thing that could keep me from strangling him until his fucking HEAD fell off.
But he's like, "Aww, c'mon. You've gotta know of something. Something cute that'll be worthy of a big romantic kiss at the end of the night. Hehehe, omigod, I swear, I don't know how I'm gonna keep from fainting."
But, with an angrier tone, I look up at Stevie, and I go, "NO...I don't think I really know of anything." I kinda growled it at him, and his forehead wrinkled up with a grin.
He says, "Okaaaay, hehehe. It's no biggie. I'll figure something out." FUCK! Even when I start being NASTY he's all giggles! Do I have to CASTRATE him with a fucking plastic knife before he starts being less than 'happy'???
So Brandon comes back to the table, and Stevie starts going on about me like we had just encountered some kind of wonderful 'bonding experience' since he had been away. He just thinks that I'm 'awesome', and 'hilarious', and 'super cool'...and he took a picture of me with his cell phone. All the time I'm holding back just enough rage to keep from biting him in the FACE!!! By the end of the lunch period, I was begging the devil himself to snatch the soul right out of him!
The bell rings, we leave the cafeteria, and Stevie takes Brandon by the hand to drag him off to his locker so they can walk to class together. He's all, "Bye, Billy! You should come have lunch with us again some time soon. Come tomorrow if you want!" It was almost insulting. I mean, does this kid have NOTHING to fear from me at all? Does he just see me as a total 'non-threat'? Who the fuck is this....SUGARY SWEET??? Like...ALL the time???
And then, as if cupid wanted to make things worse, Brandon pulls away, and comes to say, "Thanks for being cool today, Billy. I doubted you, and I shouldn't have. You're welcome to come by anytime." And then Stevie drags him off again.
So once again, I'm purposely submerging myself in quicksand, and not getting much out of it except for more sucker punches to the gut. But...Joanna says I need to be patient. And Brandon DID talk to me with a smile today. I got to spend time with him and he even invited me to come back. So...maybe there's something to this strategy of hers after all.
But only time will tell for sure.
I've gotta run. Reading this back, I suddenly feel like banging my head against the wall until I'm unconscious.
Sighhh...whatever. Seeya later.