- As much as I was hoping to drill this strategy of Joanna's right into Brandon's heart day after day until I got what I wanted...I just didn't have the strength to do it today. Now that I think about it...Brandon actually paid me a compliment yesterday. He said that he misjudged me. He said that I could come by and visit any time that I wanted. And I should have totally taken advantage of that invitation today. But....I didn't. Sighhhh...I couldn't....

See, I was coming from first period this morning...and Stevie sees me in the hall. NOT 'Stevie and Brandon'...JUST Stevie! And he's all like, "Hey Billy! Sup man?" And he, like...comes over to TALK to me! You know, like we're old 'friends' or something! I don't know this asshole! He doesn't know me either! He's trying to fuck my boyfriend, for crying out loud! I don't wanna stand in the hall and 'chit chat' with him! But, being the super cheerful bastard that he is, he's like, making small talk with me anyway. I try to walk away from him so that I can just get to my next class, but he's...like...following me! Like, "So, do you think you wanna hang out with us for lunch today? It's pizza day, isn't it? I think it's pizza day. I never eat more than half, myself. So if you want an extra half or something, it's yours."

Arrrrgh! What the hell is his PROBLEM??? I try to look at him, but those blue eyes are like...unavoidably scary! Especially when you see them up close. I'm like, "I...I dunno. I don't think I'll be able to make it today." I keep walking, and he stays right at my side.

He's like, "Ahhh, got homework or something to do?"

And I tell him, "Maybe I'm just not in the mood to be around anybody today. Is that alright?" I figure that he'll get the hint, right? My voice was a bit more stressed when I said it, but he just...arrrgh!

He's like, "Oh, yeah. I know what you mean. Me and Brandon get like that sometimes too. You just wanna be away from everything for a while, you know?" I mean...what the hell? The strange thing is, he's like...so damn nice that you kinda hate to hurt his feelings. I don't know why not. Maybe because it's gonna totally ruin my chances of getting back in Brandon's good graces if I don't suck up to him a little bit and make him think that everything is ok. So I tried to just ignore him and walk a bit faster, hoping that I could reach my class and not have to come right out and tell him to get lost. But at some point he's like, "So, me and Brandon decided to go out to dinner and a movie this Saturday night. He was being really cute when he asked me too. Hehehe...he's dreamy when he's being shy. I can't stand it."

I can feel my teeth clenching at this point, and I'm like, "That's nice."

So he says, "I'm kinda nervous. I've never really dated anybody before. Brandon's sweet, but...I don't really know...like...what to do with him. You know?" What the hell is TALKING about??? And why is that fucking walk between first and second period so fucking LONG??? I picked up the pace, trying NOT to hear about his plans to sweep Brandon off of his feet, but he just keeps talking! He says, "Did you go through that scary period where he just seemed...you know...too 'pretty' to be with you when you two dated?"

Is THAT a question that any normal person would ask another person about their ex? Is it? Because it seems awfully damn intrusive to me. Still, instead of screaming in his face and telling him to leave me alone, I just shrug my shoulders and say, "Yeah. For a little while." I couldn't believe that I said it either. I couldn't believe that I was talking to him at all. But I took it as an opportunity to maybe put a little space between the two of them. So I said, "You know...if you don't think you're ready to date him just yet...I mean...you could always cancel and maybe go out another time." Smart, Billy! Points for me!

He's like, "Really?" But then he's like, "No. I don't wanna back out of it now. He really wants to go. Besides, we already don't get much time to be alone. I should just get my shit together and go."

And I say, "Well, you don't wanna make a fool out of yourself on your first date. You want it to be special, right? Something you'll both remember. He'll understand if you just tell him you can't go this weekend." I don't know, I guess I started getting a bit too involved in this whole thing. I mean, it's pretty awful for me to be tweaking the details of their relationship just so I can have Brandon all to myself again. But I'm surprised how 'guilt free' the whole act of doing it was when I thought about the gentle pressure of Brandon's kiss on my lips.

I finally got to my classroom, and Stevie is like, "Is this you?" And I nodded. So he's like, "Ok, well cool. I guess I'll see ya around then. And thanks for the advice. I don't want to screw this all up. I've never been good at this 'boyfriend' thing. Never had one before, really."

I'm like, "Well...just think about what I said. Don't go spending time alone with Brandon if you think you're gonna mess up. It's a bad idea. Take your time. Take as long as you want." Ugh! I'm such a brat!

He says, "I'll keep it in mind. Thanks, Billy, k? I'm glad your Brandon's friend." And he finally walks off to leave me the hell alone. Should I have done that? I mean, honestly...if someone was purposely going behind my back and trying to screw up my chances with a boy I liked...I'd be ready to stab them in the nuts with a rusty screwdriver. And yet...for Brandon...for my sweet and pretty Brandon...I'm starting to realize that I'd be willing to do almost anything. No matter how awful it may be.

I just wish Stevie was a bit...I dunno...MEANER or something! It would make him a lot easier to deal with.

Speaking of wanting certain situations to get easier to deal with...I attempted to talk to Bobby Jinette today in gym. We'll be changing sports again soon. Volleyball is next, I believe. Anyway, he totally gave me a big smile and tried to sound excited to talk to me...but there was like this...sadness just underneath the surface of it. Like...it wasn't real, you know? It bugged me a bit in the locker room. He doesn't have to pretend to be happy to talk to me if he doesn't really want to. So I approached him after gym, and we took a shortcut through the courtyard to get to his next class. I asked him if he was alright, and he was like, "Yeah. Why?"

And I said, "Because...you don't seem very eager to talk to me. That's why. I mean, did I do something, or...?"

He got the most sympathetic look that I've ever seen on his face. And he goes, "Omigod, Billy...no! Aww, dude, you didn't do anything wrong. I promise. I just..I..." He stuttered for a second, and he stopped walking to look down at his shoes. He takes a deep breath, and he says, "I'm sorry. I just...sometimes I really miss you, Billy. Ok? But it's not your fault. Seriously."

It sucks that he was so hurt about what happened. I mean, I didn't want to be the source of his 'misery' or anything. I told him, "Bobby, you don't have to miss me. I'm right here. We can still talk and stuff."

But he's like, "That's not the part of you that I miss." He couldn't look me in the face when he said it. And now that the words had left his mouth, he was guilty for even mentioning it. When I didn't say anything right away, he rolled his eyes with a humiliated sigh, and said, "Forget it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." Then he turned around and started to quickly walk away from me.

I'm like, "Bobby, wait. I just didn't know what to say."

He says, "It's ok. Don't say anything. I've gotta get to class. I'll see you tomorrow." He totally leaves me in the courtyard, and now it looks like I fucked up HIS day too. Something that I hope I'll be able to fix without...umm....you know. 'Doing bad stuff' with him again.

Anyway, like I said, I didn't join Stevie and Brandon for lunch today. But a big part of me is hoping that what I said will sink in, and Stevie will stay away for a little while longer. Just...so Brandon has a chance to actually 'miss' me before I get replaced with Mr. Wonderful over there. I just want a fair shot at his heart again. That's all. And if that doesn't work, then I'll tuck my tail between my legs and leave them both alone to go be a sexy little couple without any further interference from me. It'll hurt (GOD, it'll hurt!!!)...but at least I'll know that I got a chance to show him that I've changed. I'll be a whole new boyfriend this time around. Faithful, and honest, and patient, and romantic...this time, I'll make things better. I'll be REALLY great for him! And I'll never let him go. Never again.

Shit. Gotta go. My mom says my dad is on the phone. I've gotta go pretend that this whole 'long distance family' thing is working for me. I hate this part of my week. I'd rather he just be out of the picture completely if he's not gonna live in the house with us anymore. Whatever.

I'll write more later. See ya.

-Billy