"Billy Chase #182"


- You know...I hate to say it, but maybe Joanna's got the right idea with this whole 'patience' thing. Seriously...I saw Brandon today, and he actually smiled at me. Like...a real smile! I don't think I've seen that pretty pretty smile of his for WEEKS now! Not like I did today! And...oh my gosh...it was like falling in love with him for the first time all OVER again! My heart started beating fast, my palms got all sweaty and gross, and my legs got so damn weak that it was hard to stand. It was right before second period, and his eyes were sparkling, and...I totally forgot what I said to him, but it made him giggle in the CUTEST way! For a few quick moments...it was almost like he was 'mine' again.

Of course...he really wasn't. Not just yet, anyway. He was basically waiting on Stevie so the two of them could walk to class together. And...well...yeah, it kinda sucked a little when I realized that. But Brandon DID smile at me! He DID laugh with me! And even though we're broken up, my heart hurt just a little bit less today. Just because I got to be slightly closer to him than I was yesterday or the day before. So I was super happy about that.

Even when Stevie showed up with his usual grin, and said, "You know, we should all hang out some time. All three of us. It'll be sweet." Um...yeah, THAT'S not gonna happen. But 'fuck you' for trying, you boyfriend stealing weasel!

Ok...maybe that was just a tad bit harsh. But...Arrrgh!!! I just wish I could shove him in a box and mail him off to some far away place where he couldn't bat his lashes at my Brandon anymore.

Oh!!! So, I had a nice little run in with Jamie Cross today! While he has always been such a pleasant part of my day, he's been kinda hard to spot lately. I think he's been hiding out or something. Not from ME...just hiding out in general. So...I see him, right? And as usual, I kinda want to speak to him, but end up just sneaking by him before I embarrass myself. Well, he catches me, and he's like, "Billy! What's up, man?" Which is like...wow. I say hi back to him, and he's actually making 'small talk' with me. Really CUTE small talk too! God...Jamie's lips have such an awesome way of...um...saying stuff. You know, I hate to write this down, because I'm sure it's going to make me look like a total 'user' once I do it...but whenever Jamie Cross stands next to me, I always peek around to see who else sees him talking to me. It's like this big status boost to just have that boy breathe in your direction. And I kinda...like that. You know? I almost WANT people to envy me. I don't even know why he chose me to be 'cool' with, but I thank God everyday for it.

And THEN....you know what he said to me???

He's like, "Say, you're friends with Jimmy LaPlane, right?"

And I'm like, "Yeah..."

And he's like, "I wanted to know if you could do me a big favor. My friend, Gabriella, is doing a paper on local programs for gay teens, in and outside of school. Do you think Jimmy would be interested in doing a quick ten minute interview or something?"

I think my mind was still kinda stuck on the idea that he said the word 'gay' without cringing or making a face. He said it out loud...like...in a normal tone of voice. Like he didn't even really care, you know? I don't even think Sam can do that yet. It kinda caught me by surprise, is all. I stumbled over my own words for a second or two, but then I nodded and told him, "Uhhh...yeah. I mean...I could talk to him if...if you want me to, Jamie." Ok...so that last part sounded kinda gay. I couldn't help it. Jamie's sex appeal kinda hypnotizes you into a dreamlike state that keeps you from acting with any kind of grace whatsoever.

He smiled and said "Great. Well, come find me whenever you get an answer from him, cool? And I'll try to set them up some time next week. Hey, I really appreciate it, man. There's hardly any homosexuals in this place. None that would admit it anyway. Kinda sad."

The more he talked about it, the more I quaked with this frightening feeling of excitement! I mean...what the hell is he hinting at here? What is he...I mean, what if I...what if WE...? I didn't know what the hell was going on in my head at the time...shit, I STILL don't know...but it was cool and it was scary and it...it made me start giggling for no reason at all! AHHHHHH!!!! Why is Jamie fucking Cross talking to me about GAY stuff??? I'm not prepared to handle that kinda thing! I was so shaken up that I couldn't stop blushing and grinning like a complete idiot for a full HOUR afterwards! Ugh! He must think I'm such a DORK!

Then he's just like, "Well, I'll talk to you later, k?" But before he walks too far away, he says, "You don't have any more big parties coming up, do ya?"

I'm still trying to control that nervous laughter of mine, and I'm like, "No. I mean...uh...yeah..no."

So he goes, "Ok, well keep me posted, dude. Don't you go having any private shindigs without me. I'll be crushed."

Which made me blush even worse than before, and I think I said something along the lines of, "Alright. I'll tell you. Promise. I'll...I'll tell you first."

Sighhh...he's GOTTA know that I'm gay at this point. I'm practically carving it into my forehead with a steak knife by being so weird and goofy around him like this all the time.

Actually...now that I think about it...'GASP'...what if he DOES know???

Holy shit!!! What if he's, like, trying to secretly tell me that it's cool, or whatever? What if he...? No. No wait, that's stupid. Then again, Jimmy knew. And Simon knew. And Joanna knew. Hell, for all I know...maybe even AJ knew the first day he approached me in the mall. There's gotta be something about me that's giving off some kind of 'gay vibe'. Something that's acting like a big 'homo-beacon' for anybody looking to figure out what's going on with me. What if Jamie figured me out? Jesus! I can't tell if that would be exciting, frightening, or just downright humiliating.

Anyway, I'm sending Jimmy an email tonight about the whole interview thing. And he BETTER say yes!!! I'll be damned if I go back to Jamie Cross and tell him that my friend Jimmy said no. I'll give Jimmy another kiss on the lips to bribe him if I have to, but he's gonna do this interview and he's gonna like it!

Almost forgot...

I had a bit of an awkward moment today with Bobby Jinette before lunch. I was waiting on Joanna with Sam outside of the cafeteria at the time, so I totally wasn't expecting him to just suddenly 'show up' like he did. I have to admit that I tensed up when I saw him walking over to us. Because of SAM, not because of Bobby. Well, then again, maybe it was a little bit of both.

I said hello, and Sam was polite enough to give him the same greeting. But, to me, Bobby just had this look on his face that instantly said 'this conversation could be trouble'. At least that's how my brain interpreted it. He's like, "Billy...I just wanted to really apologize for yesterday. I know you always say that it's no big deal, and I...I mean....I TRY but..." I was seriously starting to get REALLY nervous at this point! And Sam was standing too close to us for me to give Bobby the signal to shut up! I tried to give him a hint just using my eyes, but he didn't get it right away. He's like, "I just...shouldn't have said what I said. I mean, that wasn't fair. I've probably been more of a problem than I'm worth already...and then to try to 'guilt trip' you into..." FINALLY...he saw me 'pointing' to Sam with my eyes, and he stopped blabbing with that big mouth of his! He's like, "...Um...Billy? Is it...cool to talk to you right now?"

I'm like, "NO!" At first, which got Sam to give me a really strange look. So I tried to correct myself by saying, "I mean...just not right NOW. Sam and I are getting ready to go in and grab some lunch. So...maybe another time would be better for us to talk?" PLEASE tell me he got the hint that time!

I think Bobby understood, but then he kinda looked back and forth between us for a second, and he says, "You and Sam...?"

But I REALLY didn't want him to get THAT idea in his head. So I was quick to tell him, "Yeah. Me and Sam...and his girlfriend." I gave him another hidden signal, and the message was received. Thank God! I'm like, "But...maybe we can talk LATER or something. You know, when we have a better 'chance'?"

So Bobby kinda nods a bit, and covers up with a little smirk. He says, "Yeah. That's fine. Maybe later." Then he says goodbye to Sam, and he agreed that we'd talk some other time. I could hardly BREATHE for a few minutes there! I don't need Sam to know about me and Bobby. He's still handling the 'easy' stuff. What the heck would make Bobby think that he could just talk to me about this stuff in front of my best friend? Jesus! I'm going to have to have a long talk with that boy about the importance of the closet door, and why you should ONLY open it in private!Just in case!

I've got to go. I've got, like, a ton of homework tonight, and I don't want to do ANY of it. Which means that I had better start psyching myself up for it now. Sighhh...I swear...it feels like Summer will NEVER get here!

See ya later.

- Billy

Thanks so much for reading! Be sure to keep checking in on Billy's new journal entries every Tuesday and Thursday, as there is MUCH more to come! Feel free to let me know what you think at Comicality@webtv.net or stop by the website at http://comicality.gayauthors.org and say hello! There are a LOT of stories waiting for you there! Hehehe! Seezya! :)