- I don't know how to feel right now....but it's kinda weird, you know? It's like...there are these really rare occasions in our lives that sorta feel like they're supposed to have this deep symbolic meaning or something....but the more you try to believe, the harder it is to actually fall for the trick. I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that it seems too easy. Or maybe too quick. Or maybe I just can't immerse myself deeply enough in the illusion for it to really be comfortable for me.
I'm rambling. Let me try to get my thoughts together...
So I was, like...TOTALLY stressing myself out today. Like...ALL day, you know? I could barely sleep a wink last night, and when I woke up this morning, I practically started pacing around my bedroom the second my feet touched the floor.
It was a bright and sunny Saturday morning. Not a cloud in the sky. Not a drop of rain. I have to admit that I was kinda hoping for a giant rain storm to drop down out of nowhere to somehow prevent the unpreventable...but it never happened. No earthquakes, no tornadoes, no scary meteors falling from the sky to slam into the Earth with an impact that would ruin any plans for a friendly little 'date' between Brandon and Stevie.
Arrrgh! WHY did I have to give Brandon so much attention when Stevie was there to 'see' it??? Joanna's right...us boys DON'T have much patience, do we?
The more I paced back and forth across that carpet, the more that sinking feeling in my stomach began to grow and twist and churn into this big turbulent, envious, MESS! And no matter how much I tried to just...'pace' it away...it wouldn't go away. It just stayed stuck in the middle of my gut like a big chunk of hardened undigested mud. With every minute that ticked by on that damn clock...Brandon and Stevie got closer and closer to going out on their first real date together.
Holding hands, and sharing popcorn, and smiling and giggling at each other...how can either one of them not be completely in love with the other one? Right? I mean...Stevie is gorgeous. Sure, I fucking HATE him...but...he's light years away from being ugly. I can admit that. And he's probably one of the most flawless, cheerful, carefree, people on the planet! I swear, that little emo bastard was created in a friggin' lab somewhere! Probably the same mad scientists that created boys the likes of Lee and Jamie Cross, no doubt!
The first hour or two was the worst, I think. My mom made a big breakfast, and it was one of those mornings where she kinda had this psychotic need to have me sit at the table with her so she could 'stare' at me while I eat. I saw this kid, Barry, feed a live mouse to his pet snake before. Other than that, I can't imagine that the 'feeding' process would be all that entertaining to watch. But somehow, my mom gets a kick out of it. Anyway...so I'm watching the clock the whole time that I'm at the table, and she keeps asking me if I'm going out somewhere or something today. But I CAN'T! Because I've got this stupid idea in my mind that if I leave the house, Stevie and Brandon are gonna end up in the far stall of the men's bathroom...sucking each other off and kissing until their lips bruise up!
Yeah...now that I read that back, it doesn't make much sense to ME either. But that's what I was thinking!
I don't know how me leaving the house was suddenly going to trigger this disgusting display of lust and blasphemy...nor do I know how me staying home was going to somehow prevent it. But at the time...it just seemed like a logical strategy to my mixed up mind.
I was feeling some serious heartbreak coming on shortly after breakfast. I didn't know what to do with the misery of it, to tell you the truth.
Yeah, I know...whatever. I deserve it. What a fucking awful person I am. I should be mercilessly punished for the rest of eternity for what I did. No chance of ever being forgiven. EVER. Like....*EVER*!!! I should be executed in the most painful way possible and tortured for the rest of my life in front of an audience, and I deserve to be hated and spit on for my mistakes. What can I say? I did it, right? I just hope everybody else in the world can live the rest of their lives without ever making a mistake in love. Because to put THEM through this level of unforgivable hatred is something I wouldn't wish on ANYBODY!
I LOVE Brandon! I loved him long before we became boyfriends, and I'm in love with him long after. It hurts every day that I wake up and realize that he's no longer a part of my life. I fucked up, but the love remains. I'm just hoping that it counts for something. Because I don't plan to suffer endlessly for the rest of my existence for a mistake that I'm doing everything in my power to make right again.
I'd just like to think that there's some forgiveness left in the world, that's all. This mean-spirited 'punishment' thing only works when you wish it on somebody else, you know? If the tables were turned, I'm sure everybody would want a fair break and a second chance at being 'without a single error'....ever. God knows that I would.
So...the phone rings just as I'm going back to pacing in my room again, and I run over to pick it up. Don't know why. It's not like I should expect Brandon to call me and say something like, "Hey, I just stabbed Stevie in the heart with a fountain pen and left him on the side of the road! So, you wanna get together and make out?" Although...that would be a VERY welcome message indeed!
Instead, it was Jimmy, getting back to me about the whole 'interview' thing. At first I was a little disappointed, but after the first few seconds, I was happy to have a friend to talk to while I tried to keep my mind off of things. He seemed a bit nervous about it all, and I could practically hear him squirming on the other end of the line. Hehehe, he was like, "What do I DO? I mean...is Jamie Cross gonna be there? No WAY am I doing it if he's gonna be there, like...looking at me, or whatever! I couldn't handle that! I'd COLLAPSE, Billy! Seriously!" It's so good to know that I'm not the only one with a Jamie Cross fetish.
Then again, how COULD I be? He's fucking 'sex' manifested in flesh!
So, I assured him that it would be ok and that it would just be some personal questions about his sexuality and his honest opinions about being 'out' in high school. I mean, the other kids never really gave him much of a hard time about it, which is more than I ever expected, you know? There were a FEW whispers and jokes, sure...but overall, everybody just kinda left Jimmy alone. Then again, he did have that whole 'suicide attempt' thing on everybody's conscience too. Not that it's a GOOD thing! It's a HORRIBLE thing! But I think that kinda erased the concept of teasing for him completely.
Ugh! What a stupid way to achieve THAT particular goal, right?
Anyway, we're talking for a while, and Jimmy is actually making me smile again after being worried about this whole 'date' thing. I still managed to look over at the clock from time to time...but it wasn't anywhere NEAR as bad as it was before!
I kinda made the mistake of asking what he was up to today. I thought that maybe I could actually go over and hang out for a while. But he's like, "Well....I'm kinda going out."
So I'm like, "Oh. Ok."
But then he's like...kinda not wanting to say it, but he's sorta fidgeting like he wants to say it anyway. So he's like, "If I tell you this, you promise not to get upset?"
Which I'm like, "Upset about what? What are you talking about?"
And he just can't hold it back So he says, "I'm kinda going out with Alex today. He's got the house to himself and he wants to...'get together' to have some fun, you know?"
Yeah...I know. I should leave it alone. So I didn't make too big a deal out of it. But I DID ask him, "God, Jimmy...why don't you just dump that guy already? I mean you said yourself that you weren't in love with him."
And Jimmy's like, "So? I TOLD you, Billy...I'm just doing this to feel good. And it's working. Hehehe, BELIEVE me, it's working! He's soooo HOT! I love the way he feels on top of me!"
I'm like...trying to understand, but it's kinda weird. I don't know...maybe it shouldn't be. It's not like I haven't had sex for the sake of feeling good myself...but...the idea was to eventually go searching for something more, you know? Hell, even mind-blowing sex with Bobby Jinette lost a lot of its luster once I realized that it couldn't go much further than that. It became more of a 'chore' and a 'payment' than anything else. Odd.
I was like, "Aren't you, like...weirded out by just letting him 'use' you like that?" I think that was kinda rude, so I apologized and told him, "You know what, I'll just stop now. I promise."
But Jimmy made a joke out of it, and he said, "Well...you could ALWAYS come over to my house and take Alex's place in my bed if you want. You're still kinda my 'number one pick', you know?" He giggled, and it was sweet...but despite him being appreciative of the 'relationship' he has right now with AJ...I can't help but think that he deserves soooo much more He's not really MY type, really...but he's got SO much heart. And he's certainly cute enough to get a boy to really fall for him the way he falls for them in return, you know? I think he's worthy of somebody really special. Seriously, I know that Jimmy kinda turned up his nose at the idea of dating Bobby Jinette the last time I mentioned it to him...but they barely even KNOW each other. I mean...Bobby's got a lot of heart too! How can they not at least find SOME way to be happy together? I have to think of something. It's ridiculous for Jimmy to be giving his ass up to AJ every weekend when there are boys out there who would take MUCH better care of him and his feelings. Fun or no fun, he could at least give it a shot.
Oh...yeah....before I go...
That whole 'trick' and 'symbolic meaning' thing that I was talking about earlier?
Well, Brandon sent me an email tonight.
I pretty much went back to worrying the second I hung up from talking to Jimmy, but I involved myself in every mentally distracting activity that I could to keep from going crazy. Things got REALLY bad once 7 or 8 o'clock rolled around. Because I was sure the date had actually 'begun' by that time. It took everything I had to block out the idea of what they might be doing with each other. Then I tried to psyche myself out by saying that Brandon's not in love with Stevie yet...so I still had more time. But then I thought about Jimmy and AJ again, and I realized that the whole 'love' issue didn't really have much to do with anything. You give any 14 year old boy a choice between *ANYTHING* and a chance to have hot passionate sex with someone as cute as Stevie is...and they'll choose sex every time. I'd stab a complete stranger in the stomach right NOW if I thought it could promise me some sex from my sweetheart again! So...yeah, I went back to worrying. And then...the email.
I was kinda surprised when I got it. It was really short. It just said, "Hey, Billy...if you're around tomorrow, let me know. Just so we can talk. K?"
The bad thing is...I don't know what the fuck that MEANS!!!!! Arrrrghhhhh!!!
Did the date go WELL??? Did the date go to SHIT??? Does he want to get back together? Does he want to tell me he's in love with Stevie now? Did Stevie tell him that I was hitting on him? Great...if he told him THAT, then Brandon's probably gonna totally tell me to back off! Which is gonna ruin EVERYTHING!
Anyway...all possible 'bad outcomes' aside...Brandon wants to talk to me. And something about that really swells my heart up something awful. It's weird. Because it's stuck somewhere between this impending heartache, and this hopeful excitement, and I just...ugh...I don't know what to do with the feeling. I wish I could hurry up and get to sleep so tomorrow would come already. Because...good or bad...
...I get to talk to the 'prettiest' boy in school tomorrow.
I think I'm gonna go. I feel too weird to really say much more. I'll write more later. See ya.