- Well, it certainly is nice to know that SOMEBODY is getting laid!
Actually...I don't even know where that expression came from. Because it really isn't nice at all. But I'll grin and bear it regardless.
Sam actually came clean today about him and Joanna. It seems that they've been doing the deed a LOT these days over at his house. Ugh! I used to sleepover in that bed!
Sam came over to my house after school, all happy and giggling about it. You know...I'm not even really mad at him and Joanna for being together anymore. And in the end, even though I don't really talk to her much, Joanna turned out to be a pretty cool person. But...just as I'm sure Sam would cringe and make faces at the idea of me having sex with another guy...I feel the same when it comes to him having sex with Joanna. I swear, there's like, this little boy in me that's still holding on to some stupid childhood crush that's NEVER gonna happen. It doesn't even serve a PURPOSE anymore, you know? Stupid.
Sighhh...weird thing is, he looked really 'cute' talking to me about it though.
Then again, everybody looks cute to me right now. I just feel this desperate need to latch onto somebody, you know? Anybody. Losing Brandon was like having one of my legs snatched out from under me. Now I'm willing to grab onto anything just to find some kind of 'balance' again. Keep myself from falling flat on my face.
Anyway, so....yeah...Sam's like, "We're doing all sorts of stuff now. And some days it's better than others, but she's soooo hot, Billy. Seriously." Then he stops for a sec, and he's like, "Wait...can I talk to you about this? I mean...this isn't weird, is it? With her being..."
I'm like, "A girl? Yeah, I remember." I rolled my eyes. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm actually 'allergic' to the female gender, Sam. You can talk to me about her if you want." Then I lied and mumbled, "I don't care..." With a shrug of my shoulders.
I don't really remember most of what he said, because I spent half the time trying to change the subject, and the other half of the time trying to tune out the morbid details. But Sam is definitely getting more and more heterosexual by the day...and I kinda wish he didn't rub it in my face so much.
I had sex with THREE different boys, and I never felt the need to fill HIM in on it. Of course, I was in hiding at the time, but still. You know what, the next time he comes around talking about how him and Joanna are having frequent, hot and sweaty, sex...maybe I'll do a little 'sharing' of my own.
Anyway, apparently this has been going on for a month now, and since Sam's mom is dating some new guy, he has the house to himself a lot more often. So the last two weeks have been, like, 'Freakfest 2010' over there. I know he didn't mean to bring me down, but I really could have done without that today. Seriously. It's like this glaring reminder of how hard it's going to be to find another 'Brandon'. Like....ever.
I sorta spoke to him today. It was really quick though. I was going to lunch, and I guess him and Stevie were sneaking off again to go be together somewhere else. They were laughing and playing around with one another...and we kinda ran into each other by 'mistake'. Anyway, they both stopped smiling right away, and I felt...I felt like I was intruding on their good time or something, you know?
I lowered my head a bit and tried to give him a bit of a fake grin as I walked by, but he was like, "Hey, Billy. What's up?" I had forgotten how sweet his voice sounded when he said my name out loud.
I'm like, "Hey."
And Brandon looked concerned, but Stevie was still smiling a bit. And HE was like, "C'mon...we're losing time. Let's go already. Hehehe!" And he was like pushing him to keep him from talking to me. Which I didn't like at ALL! FUCK STEVIE!!!! Arrrgh!!! Then he's like, "See ya, Billy!" All happy and shit! And if I wasn't so depressed about the whole thing, I would have been able to work up enough anger to whip the SLEEVES off of that kid!!!
Anyway, I saw Bobby Jinette before gym today, and he made this really pouty face when he saw me. It was playfully weird, and it made me give him a strange look. I'm like, "What?"
And he's like, "Awwww...Billy's sad." Dammit! How does EVERYBODY know what the hell is going on in my head??? No WONDER half of them can easily figure out that I'm gay! He asked me, "What's the matter?"
And I said, "I don't wanna get into it." It's not REALLY his fault...but at that moment, I was kinda sore at him for telling Brandon about us in the first place. It was one of those things where it felt better to blame somebody else than it did to wallow in self pity by myself.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna stop now. This whole diary is gonna start sounding like one big whine. People **HATE** that!!! I'll keep it to myself, I guess. This is stuff I won't wanna remember later anyway.
Anyway, so...Bobby's like, "Ummm, wait up a sec." And he stopped me from walking to talk to me in one of the stairwells. Not really private, but more private than the hallway, I suppose. I was silently hoping that this wasn't going to turn out to be another play for my affections. Luckily (I think)...it wasn't. He's like, "Can I ask you something?"
I'm like, "Sure. What's up?"
And Bobby fidgets for a second, and I think he was almost ready to chicken out, but then he says, "Ummm...Sam doesn't know, does he?"
I'm like, "What? About me?" Bobby nods, and I said, "No...he knows. I told him a few weeks ago actually." I guess he was weirded out about running into us in the hall last week.
He goes, "But...he doesn't know about...us? You and me?"
And I'm like, "Oh...no. He doesn't know about that part." From the look on his face, I almost felt ashamed for not sharing my romps with Bobby with my best friend. I think he was disappointed.
Then I was SURE of it when he asked, "He knows about Brandon though, doesn't he?" Now it was HIS turn to lower his eyes to his feet. He tried to hide it, but it wasn't a very good effort. Gosh...is that what I look like to people when I'm in a shitty mood? Ouch!
I'm like, "He's still kinda dealing with the whole idea. He's cool with me being...'different' though."
And Bobby's like, "...oh."
I had to ask, "How come you asked?"
So he says, "I just wanted to know. Plus...I don't wanna sound lame, but...sighhh...I miss talking to you, Billy. I really do." That statement kinda made me uncomfortable, and he could tell. But he was quick to say, "No, it's not like...that. It's just...I've sorta become a different 'person' since we...since you and me..." I had to nod to let him know I got the hint without him saying it out loud. And he continued, "...Anyway, I feel kinda...'suffocated' around my friends these days. I mean, I never had anybody to be 'me' around before. Just relax and be myself. And now that I got a taste of what that's like...to just talk to somebody without having to think ten steps ahead to make sure that I don't say the wrong thing...I just miss it." Bobby shrugged his shoulders and was like, "I know I fucked up, Billy. And I know you don't trust me at ALL anymore. But...I just wanna know if we could talk some time?" And then he was like..."Please?"
Do I have any reason to be suspicious of him at this point? I mean, he just looked so...lost. So I was like, "Of course we can talk, Bobby."
And he was kinda watery eyed when he said, "I know I'm jerk, and I know I caused you sooooo much trouble, I just need someone to talk to. Because I don't have one person in my life right now who knows me well enough to understand, and I...I just..." I had to actually STOP him from talking to keep him from bursting into tears or something.
Don't worry, Bobby. I know the feeling.
I was like, "Hey, what about tomorrow? I'll come over, and we can chat about whatever you want. Is that cool?" Besides, it keeps me from being tempted from going over to Lee's house for something I might regret. Bobby kinda nodded, and had to actually collect himself before going back out into the hallway.
Do I trust this to just be a 'play date' for us to talk? I don't know. Bobby can be pretty damn persuasive when he wants to be. Especially when his emotions are involved. I wouldn't put it past him to see me hurting over Brandon and him using it to take advantage of me while I was wounded. But if it's just a matter of him needing a friend, I guess I can be there for him. He's gotten to be so much more than an 'afternoon fuck' nowadays. And that counts for something.
Shit, I've gotta finish reading this chapter for History, so I'm gonna go. But yeah, I'm going to Bobby Jinette's house tomorrow. And then I'll make some plans for the weekend or something. I'm not gonna stress it. I don't wanna hurt Bobby's feelings or anything, but I think I'm a lot stronger than I used to be when it comes to falling for sexual tricks. I shouldn't have anything to worry about.
I can always say no.