- Do you know what Sam told me today? He says that he doesn't think Brandon likes him much. Those are Sam's exact words, in fact. "I don't think Brandon likes me that much." It struck me as odd, because Brandon likes pretty much everybody. Well...at least he 'seems' to. I've never really seen him mad at anyone before. He's always been one of those quietly cheerful people that doesn't let anybody bother him. You know, he's either off in a world by himself, or interracting with a smile. He's way too cute to have a temper...if THAT makes any sense. Anyway, according to Sam, he hasn't been so friendly lately. Basically the whole story was that Sam just got a negative vibe from him the last few days, and it's been getting worse and worse by the day. He said that Brandon saw him in the hall today, and not only 'snubbed' him completely (Which I can believe, because Brandon usually keeps to himself anyway), but he gave him somewhat of a dirty look as he walked past. The strange thing is...I can't imagine what a so-called 'dirty look' would look like coming from Brandon. He's too damn pretty to give someone a dirty look. If he totally HATED me, I'd still wanna kiss those lips, no matter what.
Sam didn't really go into much more detail than that, as he adopted his usual 'I don't give a fuck' attitude about the whole thing, but I'm kinda looking forward to finding out what all of that was about. Sam is a confident guy, he doesn't neccessarily have a need to make these things up in his head. I don't get it. Brandon was becoming such a cool and enlightening part of my school day, and now he's gotten incredibly hard to predict. One minute he's friendly, the next he's avoiding me, then he's talking to me but not being sincere about anything, and then he's back to being friendly again. And now he's mad at my best friend. I'm starting to think that there's, like, four different VERSIONS of him running around the school on any given day. Weird.
Do you know that I only saw Jamie Cross' chest that one time in the locker room, and I'm STILL thinking about it? Still wanting him, still excited about him, still swept up by the mere mention of his name? CONSTANTLY! Have you ever been so wrapped up in somebody that you can practically 'taste' the very thought of them? And your heart aches, and you stomach gets all mushy, and you're almost DIZZY with the possibility that he might actually like you back? That's how it is with Jaime. He could effortlessly sneak his way into my every thought, and wreak whatever kinda havoc he wanted to while I sat back and watched with a goofy smile on my face. I want him so bad it literally hurts! It hurts all the time! I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself if I can't have him someday. Because I don't think this feeling is ever gonna just 'wear off'. Sighhh...so not fair. Super delicious teenage blonds...they should be illegal in places where gay boys roam.
I did see Joanna today in the hall. The first time since our 'date', and waved hello from a distance of no less than 15 feet. She was happy that I acknowledged her, but didn't really do much to spark up a conversation. Not like she would have before. It got me to thinking that maybe she didn't have that great a time with me at the movies. Or maybe she had a REALLY great time, and now she was being shy? Or maybe she's waiting for me to say something before she says something first? Or maybe...Arrrrgh! I don't KNOW! Jesus! NOW look what she's doing to me!!! As much as I wanted to get away from the situation in the beginning, I'll be DAMNED if I go down in her memory as a 'lame date' or something. You know, I should just leave this alone and consider myself lucky that I got off this easy. But instead, my pride started to get the best of me. I wanted some answers, just to make sure. I should have called her. Just to make sure, you know? But I was nervous...worried...stupid. I didn't want to give the wrong signals, which I guess for her are the right signals, but for me would be the wrong signals. How the hell did I let this girl get me SO confused? Things were just beginning to get easy again.
I'm gonna get some sleep. Tomorrow I hope to think a little more clearly. Today's been kinda cloudy. What can I do? I'm moody! Hehehe! G'night.
- I'm writing this in my room with the lights off, so I hope that it'll be somewhat legible in the morning. I just want my parents to think that I'm asleep. As though I could sleep through all of the shouting downstairs. My mom and dad had a pretty big fight tonight. About what? Who knows? It might have been money, it might have been me, it might have been something completely random altogether. But whatever it was, it caused them to scream it out until it was finished a half hour later with the sound of a slamming bedroom door.
I've always hated the sound of my parents fighting. For some reason, there's nothing more terrifying than that. It's like witnessing the fight between Satan and God right there in front of you, two huge deities duking it out while you cringe and cower in their presence. I was really scared. It kinda makes you ache down in the pit of your stomach. It hurts you twice as much as it hurts them, I'm sure. Because they have the anger to keep them going strong. All you've got to fall back on is more fear. And that makes you even weaker than when you started. It's hard to explain. Thankfully, it was over pretty fast. Well....the shouting part was anyway. All that's left now is silence. At first I wondered if that could be even worse than the shouting...but no. I decided the shouting was worse. Hands down. The silence I can deal with, even if it lasts for a lot longer.
I saw Simon today, and he had a bit of a cold. His nose was pink, and he had the sniffles along with an irregular cough. Nothing major though. I'D still make out with him. Hehehe! Anyway, he asked about the date with Joanna and how it went. And I was honest, I had a good time. But I also kinda downplayed it a little bit, giving him every hope that I might still be interested in boys. Just in case Simon wanted to come over and make any big 'confessions' any time soon. Don't think for a single second that I had forgotten about jumping his bones and sucking him dry sometime soon! I've just been preoccuppied lately.
I tried calling Joanna when I got home tonight, but chickened out. Something about calling her twisted up my every sense of logic and made me nervous as hell. I didn't know what to say to her, or NOT say to her. I didn't know if she wanted me to call, or didn't want me to call. What happens if I call too late? Like, it's been days since we went out! What if she's pissed at me for not calling? Dammit, why didn't she just say 'call me'? Sam would have! And why can't GIRLS be the forward ones every now and then? Why can't they call the boys once in a while and make THEM feel loved? I don't wanna be the 'worker ant' this time. I'm just as confused as she is. IF she's confused at all. She could plotting against me this very minute for all I know. Ok...so I chickened out tonight. But I WILL call her tomorrow night! I really will! Right after school....or....maybe after dinner. I just hope she doesn't think I'm a dork or something. Because I'm not....I don't think. Ack! Whatever. Gotta run. Lights out. Later...
- There was a little 'altercation' in school today. A bad one. Some of the guys in my gym class made Jimmy LaPlane cry. I mean...actually CRY. They weren't really hitting him or anything, but they were teasing him pretty bad, and then started shoving him back and forth. They were poking him with their fingers and giving little slaps and stuff...I couldn't even bear to watch that. It wasn't anything worse than what they give to the rest of us, I guess. But to Jimmy....he took it really hard today. I felt really bad for him. I could totally see the look on his face, and he was just kinda helpless, you know? And then he started crying. Not, like, outloud or anything, but the kind of crying where you look normal, but the tears are running down your cheeks anyway. Sighhh...I should have stopped it before it got that far. But I didn't. I hate to admit it, but high school kids are definitely 'pack' animals. You follow the herd and the outcast gets tossed aside. That's how the system works. You go against it, and the next target is you. It's an awful thing to do to somebody though, and afterwards I tried to cheer Jimmy up a little bit by letting him know that I thought it was stupid what they were doing to him. He thanked me and all, even gave me a surprise hug, but it was cold. You know? Like....he was just doing it to make ME feel better. I didn't need to feel better, I was supposed to be there for him. But what could I do? He had people that didn't like him...there really wasn't a whole lot that I could do about that. I'd love to make it so he was loved by all, but the fact of the matter is...he wasn't. And that had to suck worse than anything.
Jimmy is a weird kid sometimes, and built a little scrawny in comparison to the rest of us, but he DOES have feelings. So I tried to give him a little attention today. Not out of charity> or anything. I just really wanted him to know that at least someone was out there thinking about him in a positive way. Anything less would just be cruel.
Speaking of cruel, I ran into Brandon today.
He made the mistake of going back to the library this afternoon. I say 'mistake', because I was able to walk in and actually find him for once. I don't think he was happy to see me when I came accross him and said his name. In fact, I could have sworn he rolled his eyes at me. What was THAT about??? I sat down next to him and tried to pick up some sort of friendly communication, but he wasn't into it at all. Like, not at ALL. I got some quick, one word, answers out of him and a few weak smiles, but that was it. What was the strangest part though, was that it didn't neccessarily feel like it was 'directed' towards me. If anything, I felt somewhat protected from whatever it was that was bothering him. He was being polite...he was always polite. But not friendly, not 'Brandon'. And sitting next to him...I missed it. I missed feeling that extra energy that he gave me when he spoke to me. I missed that flare in his eyes, or that gleam in his smile. He was being so...numb towards me. I didn't know exactly what to make of that, so I didn't force it. I just sat next to him and made the best of our conversation as I could. And even got ONE decent smile out of him when I mentioned my art teacher's possible drug problem from the weirdness of her walk, talk, and concept of reality. (Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em!) It was probably the first true sign of the real Brandon that I had seen in the past week and a half. And that was an uplifting accomplishment, seriously. Anything that gets Brandon's attention is like magic to me. I don't know why. He just....he makes me happy. It's weird, but it's so cool to have someone around that makes you smile just by being there beside you. Someone that you think of and actually feel something warm inside, moving your emotions around and mixing them up like some kind of pot luck stew.
Brandon, my pretty pretty Brandon...he was that guy for today. Hehehe! He's so damn kissable when he wants to be, you know that?
That's pretty much my report for today....yep....that's it....
Sighhhhh....ok, so I'm supposed to be honest in this book, right? Ok, FINE! I didn't call Joanna tonight! But I SWEAR that I'm gonna do it tomorrow! I swear to God! I know it shouldn't be such a big deal, but I'm SCARED! I pick up the phone and practically shake myself SICK just trying to come up with something to say beyond, 'hello'! I just need...I just need to...well, I don't know WHAT'S wrong with me! But I know I wasn't ready to talk to her tonight. So I am going to wait a little while, maybe until my voice sounds a little bit better. And then I'll find out what's going on with her. I hope she had a good time, because if she didn't, then that means that it was ME! And if I can't even get a GIRL (Who thinks I'm HOT, by the way) to like me, then how the hell am I going to seduce another boy into it? These questions and more, hopefully answered by the time I'm 50 years old. Wish me luck.