- When I got up this morning...I have to admit that I was still kinda worried about Bobby Jinette and the mood he was in when I left. After what happened with Jimmy LaPlane, I just...I don't know if I trust myself to be smart enough to see that sorta thing coming from a distance anymore. I almost called him again this morning..but I thought it might be kinda...'weird'. I mean...ugh! Ok, let me see if I can explain how this might look to Bobby if I'm not careful. I mean. I'm worried about him, sure. But he knows that Brandon is officially out of the picture, and he said he loves me so much that he's willing to actually let me go and be with someone else. But...if I start calling him and paying him all of this attention NOW....you know? It's gonna look like I wanna fool around with him again. Or whatever. I don't wanna AVOID him if he needs the help...but the LAST thing I wanna do is string his heart along for a second time. That would just be plain cruel.
So I opted to send him a harmless email today instead, and just let him know that I was thinking about him. NOT that I was actually...'thinking' about him! You know? I was just...trying to see if he was ok. And that's it.
Sam was a major part of my day today. He came over just as my mom was making some homemade cheeseburgers for lunch. She even made some bacon to go on them! Lettuce and sliced onion, ketchup, mustard, and mayo! She really hooked it up! Tasty! Anyway, Sam has always had this uncanny ability to come over just in time to mooch some snacks off of me. Hehehe, which I've always been happy to give him. I've HAD his mom's cooking a few times during sleepovers...and...well let's just say that I could totally understand him still being hungry!
My mom made extra for him and ran out to shop for new towels and stuff for the bathroom. Thank GOD Sam was there! I did NOT want to join her on that little excursion! Blechhh! Girls!
Anyway, so I asked Sam what made him drop by on a Saturday. I thought for sure that him and Joanna would have been looking for some more 'nookie' time. Especially with his mom gone. He was like, "Psh! Whatever. I don't know what's up with her, dude. She won't answer her cell phone or anything today. She was acting weird yesterday, and now it's like...grrr...I dunno, man. She won't answer me."
I don't think Sam meant for me to see it, but when he said it...I kinda...I saw his hand sorta 'press down' on the front of his shorts. Like...he sorta pushed it down and then 'lifted' it again. Which, I dunno, for some reason I thought was really hot. I asked him, "So she didn't even try to call you back?"
He's like, "No. She's being a bitch today. We were supposed to go to the mall and then come back and...do stuff. But she's being weird for no reason."
I was like, "Maybe she just didn't feel like having...'sex' today. You know?"
Sam looked at me, and was like, "I'm not FORCING her to have sex or anything. When she comes over, we usually just start out watching TV or listening to music and stuff, and then we get close and start kissing, and it just sorta 'happens' once we start feeling good." He almost seemed slightly insulted by the idea. He said, "Besides, she's the one that usually starts with the hugging and kissing and stuff. She wants me, like...all the time. What am I gonna do? Say no?" Sounded perfectly logical to me. But you know...me and 'girls'.
I said, "Well...if it's any consolation...I'm glad that I was a convenient 'back up plan' to you getting laid again."
And Sam totally felt bad about it. He was like, "Awww, Billy...you know it wasn't like that. I really wanted to see you anyway." Yeah. Sure.
We did talk for a little while and I swear that there was two more occasions where I saw him press down on his crotch again. I mean...was he HORNY? Oh GOD, I'm *SO* gonna kick myself if I find out that he was horny and I didn't take advantage of it while I had the chance!
My mom came back, and we were playing video games and stuff...but Sam was being a bit awkward all day today. I can't put my finger on why it felt like that, but he was. And he kept looking at me strange. At one point, he wanted to curse at the game we were playing, and he had to muffle it because my mom was home. So he was like, "Hey...you wanna go to my house instead? No parents." Which sounded like good ol' Sam to me...so I agreed. Took my house key, told my mom I was going over to Sam's, and we took off together.
I was actually shocked to find Sam's bedroom so....so CLEAN??? What the hell??? Sam giggled when he saw my expression. I was like, "What the fuck happened to your ROOM? I can, like...see the FLOOR and everything!"
He was like, "Freakin' girls, man! They like that shit. Joey kinda made me do it. So....you know..." Sighhh...more stuff for HER. How does Sam know that *I* don't want to come over to a clean room. And why am I even writing that down? I'll just push that stupid thought right out of my head for now.
Anyway, I brought my game over, and Sam was allowed to be at his all time vulgar best now that there was no one there to chaperone us. You know...maybe it's just my stupid hormones, or the the fact that it's now been a while since I've had sex with anything other than my right hand...but Sam looked really cute today. I mean...like...REALLY cute. It reminded me of all those fantasies I've been having about him for the last few years. He has a really nice butt too. And his lips look really soft. His blond hair is really soft too. I always remembered how silky it felt whenever I touched it. And his eyes? They're....they're really...like...
Sighhh...why am I doing this to myself? This is dumb.
I think that idea of Jimmy using somebody he doesn't even love (Or letting them use him, as the case may be) just to feel something close to the feelings he had before Lee broke his heart, was really getting to me. Because when I was at Sam's house today...kissing him was pretty much the only thing I could think about. How psychotic is that? I mean...it actually hurt my heart to hold back from touching him! Luckily, I kept my cool. Because that would have been weird.
ESPECIALLY after he caught me staring at him, and he was like, "You're watching me, aren't you? Hehehe! I KNEW you thought I was hot!" He was totally joking, but I blushed REALLY hard anyway!
I was like, "Shut up! What are you looking at ME for?"
He's all, "You were looking at me first!" Which...you know...it was cute when he said it.
I said, "No I wasn't!"
But then he say, "Hehehe, you can look if you want. I don't care. It's better than you saying 'hell no' when I ask if you think about me."
I said, "I TOTALLY didn't say 'hell no', Sam!"
But he says I did. And we argued back and forth about it for a bit, but now that I look back at my earlier entries in this journal...um...yeah. I kinda did. Wow, that sucks. I DIDN'T mean it though! I just...I didn't want him thinking that I just wanted to be friends with him because I thought he was...you know...sexy.
I went back to playing the game, and....arrrgh! I'm probably imagining things! But I think Sam, like....I think for a SPLIT SECOND or two...and I'm not SURE about this, I just *THINK*...he kinda considered, maybe...'trying it out'.
Jesus! I can't believe I just wrote that! That looks fucked up! I think I just wanted him so bad at that moment that I was reading stuff wrong. I mean...it was Saturday, and we were alone, and his 'girlfriend' had stiffed him on his weekly dose of hot buttered sex. I think he took a few peeks at me, and I think I saw him 'adjust' his junk a few more times too. But he stopped when he stretched out on the bed next to me and was laying on his stomach. Wow....it would have been so cool if Sam would...like...'do me' just once. Just ONE time! Just so I could say that I got to have him. If only for a little while.
Things kinda jumped in and out of 'normal' the whole time I was over there, but I know that my mind was just running wild with fantasies of something that was waaaay out of my reach. Yeah...he was just horny, I think. It'll pass....
Besides, he kept checking his phone to see if Joanna had called him. He got nothing. It's obvious he'd rather be with...'her'. You know? But I don't think I've ever been so close to having him give me a 'test drive' before. Mmmmm...God...now *I'M* hard as a rock! I should wrap this up soon.
After hanging out with Sam, I came home to see two or three messages from Lee in my email. The first one said:
"Hey, Billy! What's poppin' dude? Miss you much! Write me darnit!"
Which was....hehehe, cute! Then the second one said:
"Where are you? Do you wanna get more jellybeans? I'm already out. ::Pout Face:: C'monnnnnn...I need sugar to keep my tummy happy!"
Which...was even CUTER! Hehehe! He doesn't know what he does to me with the simplest of phrases sometimes.
Then the third message said:
"Awww...are you mad at me? I wanna come over. Or you can come over here. We don't talk as much as I want to. Write me back. I'm bored. Pweeeeaaaase?"
Sighhh...so I immediately wrote him back to tell him that I wasn't mad or anything. Not that I knew any reason why I should be. I told him that I was hanging out with my best friend, and that I hoped I'd get to see him soon. I hope that's enough to soothe his worried heart. As adorable as Lee was, he could be really sensitive about stuff sometimes. I honestly don't think he can handle NOT being completely adored by someone he cares about. Not that it ever happens. Lee is the cutest boy on Earth! But maybe that's a part of him taking it so hard when he imagines that he's done something wrong. Who knows?
Anyway, we're supposed to go back to the jelly bean factory on Tuesday. So I can drool all over him again. (And the jelly beans) Should be fun.
Today was just an odd day. Every boy in the whole damn city looks appealing when I don't have anybody to snuggle with. Deep down...I just wish I had some random cutie to latch on to that could keep me sane while I try to get over the brutal heart bashing that Brandon was giving to me at the moment.
I shouldn't though. No....I shouldn't. I'm supposed to be starting over. This kinda thinking is what got me in trouble in the first place. So I'm gonna leave it alone.
But as far as fantasies go...I'd love to have Sam and Lee at the same time! Hehehe....yeah, I know that's naughty! But...mmmmm....how hot hot HOT would that be??? Straight boys can be sooooo damn sexy! Hehehe!
Ok, I'm outta here! See ya later!