- I think.....
I think I'm having trouble even writing this right now. So I might need some time to get my thoughts together.
I'm in a state of total 'shock' really.
I just can't....
I can't believe...
I need to start with something a bit easier to talk about. This whole thing is just...too big for me to handle right now.
I had this really weird dream about Bobby Jinette last night. Or, this morning actually. I dreamed that I was having my birthday party at my house, and he was there dressed in his gym uniform for some reason. I mean, the house was full of people and stuff...but for some reason I don't remember anybody else but Bobby. Anyway, I remember kinda following him around my house, and feeling...really HOT for him, you know? Like, I couldn't even control myself. And I was trying to keep up with him, just a few steps behind, hoping that he'd walk to some place 'private' so I could, like...make a move on him or something. I don't know why I was dreaming about Bobby Jinette when I'm supposed to be hurting over Brandon still. But...you know, it's not like I could help it.
Anyway, so...Bobby ends up going into the bathroom, and I totally sneak in behind him and close the door. He didn't say anything, and neither did I. I just started...like...kissing him. And I mean kissing him like CRAZY, you know? We're making out and ruffling up each other's hair like we just...like we had been WAITING for this moment forever! Then our lips part, and I grip his ass super SUPER hard with both hands, and he's sucking on the side of my neck, licking me until I'm so hard that I wanna explode! And I turned him around to face the mirror, and practically ripped the pants right off of him! And he turned on the sink, grabbing the soap to lather his hand up, and he got his amazing ass all wet and slippery for me. And before I knew what I was doing, I undid my pants, let them drop to my ankles, and started slowly sinking myself six inches deep into his tight, round, SCUMPTIOUS, ass again. For the first time in, like, forever! I could literally feel the thick warm bubbled cheeks against my thighs as his anal ring clamped down tight on me, and I started to push in and out of him, faster and faster as I leaned over and bit down gently on his shoulder. God...he just....he tasted sooooo good as I ran my tongue over his skin. It felt so good that it made my stomach quiver with every thrust. His hole was soooo moist and tight....sooo buttery soft, as the slapping noises of a quick and lustful fuck echoed off the bathroom walls. And I sorta...kept fucking him harder and harder until I shot what felt like a gallon of cream inside of him! Wrapping my arms around his stomach and chest, it took a moment for me to stop shaking, trying to catch my breath as Bobby purred softly beneath me. I could feel the soap suds sliding down the front of my legs, his asshole still gripping me tight from the inside...and when I finally slid myself out of his trembling pucker, I turned him around and I kissed him soooo deep on the mouth that we nearly bruised our lips from it...sloppy tongue and everything.
I literally woke up a few seconds before shooting in my boxers. But it ached so much that after waiting a couple of seconds to avoid an 'accident'...I just HAD to finish myself off. It was like I could still smell Bobby's hair. Still feel the wetness of the soap suds on my legs. Still feel those marshmallow soft cheeks of his, snuggling my hard inches in the deep crack of his beautiful ass. And yeah, I felt guilty doing it...jacking off to the boy that ruined my relationship (with MY help, I might add)...but...God, at that moment it felt too good to stop. I shot so hard that I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find it all before my mom did! I'm sure that it didn't all just go on my chest. One spurt hit my shoulder, and I think I felt a dot or two hit my cheek. But I spent a few minutes checking my headboard to look for more. Ugh...I hope I got it all! Talk about MAJOR embarrassment if my mom comes in to change the sheets or something and sees my 'goo' all over the headboard and pillows.
I just don't wanna talk about...
HEY...I talked to Lee tonight!
He said that he has a friend at his school that has, like, this huge basement and stuff, you know? And he said that I could have my birthday party there if I wanted to. Not that I was actually PLANNING on having a birthday party. But he's kind of under the impression that it's inevitable. How I'm going to be able to get out of the house...on my BIRTHDAY...to go to my own party without my mom and dad asking a million and one questions about who's gonna be there and who's gonna watch over us 'kids', I'll never know. Lee promised that he'd come up with a plan for that later. He just wanted to know if it was ok to start telling people. After all, it was only a week away now.
I don't know...I kinda didn't want a party. Every friend that I had was involved in some sort of drama at the moment, and it was stuff that I didn't want to deal with. I'm practically falling in love with Lee, I'm having sex dreams about Bobby, Simon's got a girlfriend now, Brandon's gone off to suck face with Stevie the emo demon child, if Jimmy comes he might wanna bring his pseudo 'boyfriend', AJ....and....and Sam and Joanna are....
Anyway, I'm not in the mood, but Lee was being too cute for me to say no. I just said that I'd think about it. Which seemed to be enough for him to email me a series of 'sugar kisses' from being soooo happy about it. What heterosexual boy sends another boy 'sugar kisses'? Awwww, I wish he'd STOP that! It's a tease that I can totally do without.
If I don't do this now, I guess I never will.
I saw Sam today. He wanted to go to the Hill and talk. That already told me something was wrong. Because the last time we went there, I had to tell him I was gay. Judging by the look on his face...this was gonna be just as bad if not worse. In fact, it almost looked like he had been crying when I saw him. He was riding his bike so fast that I had to really push to keep up with him. And when we got to the Hill, he just kinda let his bike...fall over. He was trembling. Trembling. And he slid down to sit on the ground, and was nervously pulling at the blades of grass as his eyes watered up. His knee bouncing frantically as he tried to keep his breathing under control. What the fuck was going ON with him???
I'm like, "Jesus...Sam, you look like shit. What the hell is the matter?" He didn't answer at first, but I saw a really frightened tear slide down his face as he looked up at me. I'm like, "Omigod! Dude, what happened? What is it???"
I was really....unprepared for the answer.
Sam's bottom lip quivered, and he said, "Joanna didn't wanna talk to me yesterday...."
I thought that was a silly reason for him to be so broken up like this. But I figured that maybe he was just being...'weird' over her again. I said, "Sam...it's FINE. It was just one day. Geez. Like she can live without clinging to you like a snake skin for more than 48 hours anyway..."
But he stopped me, like, "NO...Billy. She totally didn't wanna talk to me yesterday because...she thinks..." He started to pick at the grass again, looking at his feet as his eyes watered even more. He said, "Joey thinks she's late..."
I was confused. I'm like, "Late for what?"
He says, "You know, Billy. Like....LATE..."
It took a few seconds for it to sink in. But when it did...holy shit! It fell on me like an avalanche of bricks! "SHE'S FUCKING PREGNANT!!!!!!!"
Sam seemed to cry even more, and he could barely sit still. He's like, "I DON'T KNOW, MAN!!! She's all...talking about how her period is almost a whole week late, and we've been doing it, and she thinks...oh man! Oh man!!!" He sniffled.
I said, "But.....but how is that POSSIBLE??? I mean...you guys were being....'safe' right?" He looked up at me again, and I was like, "SAM??? What the FUCK, dude??? You were SAFE, right??? PLEASE tell me that you were using something!"
But Sam just rocked back and forth, scared out of his ever loving mind. He goes, "MOST of the time, sure! I mean...I was being careful....for a while."
I'm like, "FOR A WHILE???"
He said, "We were getting into it a LOT, Billy. I mean...I kept going to the school health office...you know? Because they had those free condoms and stuff in that bowl on the counter. But....but it was up there where everybody could SEE, and the nurse started looking at me funny because I kept grabbing two or three at a time. And..." He sniffled some more as tears streamed down his face. "...I tried to go to the pharmacy, but they were next to the counter...and I bought some once, but just ASKING for them...the guy looked at me like I was some kinda baby or something. So I didn't wanna go there either. And I was afraid the nurse at school would tell my mom if I kept coming in to take more, so...you know....a few times, me and Joey..." He sobbed. "...We kinda had to do without, you know? But I NEVER wanted to get her PREGNANT, Billy! I mean, I pulled out! Every time! I SWEAR!" I was just....paralyzed at that point. I mean, what could I say? He was like, "I couldn't talk to anybody! Any time a teenager even brings up the SUBJECT of sex, adults look at us like we sacrificed a fucking forest animal to SATAN or something! They'd make me feel like I had no business making love to my own GIRLFRIEND! So I just....I just..." He literally broke down in front of me. And it made me aware of the fact that I hadn't really seen Sam cry since he was, like, 9 years old. And even then....it wasn't like this.
I didn't know what the hell to do. I didn't even really think girls could GET pregnant before they were 18. I mean...they kinda teach us that everybody that has sex is 18. This isn't supposed to happen. Like...EVER! What do I do? This was...waaaaay out of my realm of being able to say or do much of anything for my best friend! I mean...you should have seen him. He was so....so broken. I fidgeted a bit, and I asked, "So...I mean...what are you gonna do?"
He had no answer for me. He just let the tears run for a bit, and he said, "I dunno, Billy. I mean, she's gonna go to the doctor this week to make sure, but..."
He sniffled and sobbed for a bit, and I was like, "But WHAT?" I just...I had to know what his plan was.
And he said, "...I don't know, Billy. I really don't know."
What could I really do besides...sit down beside him and put my arm on his shoulder. I mean...I'm sure it wasn't doing a DAMN bit of good, but I didn't have any other comforting options at that point. Sam didn't really wanna talk much more, even though he thanked me for listening to him. It was awkward. Sam and I have always been close, but we've never been through anything CLOSE to this level of drama before. And yet, as uncomfortable as it was, I felt good being able to hold him close. And he felt that it was enough. If only for those few moments that we sat there on that Hill in each other's arms.
We used to play up there as little boys. As though there could never be anything wrong with the world, as long as we could be together. What the hell happened?
When did everything get so complicated?
They say the money is the root of all evil. I say it's hormones.
I'm gonna go now. Later.