- An...'interesting' day today. That's about as well as I can explain it. But I can say ONE thing for certain...I'm seriously...like...SERIOUSLY thinking of getting something sharp and STABBING a certain 'someone' who really decided to test my patience today. But I'll get to that in a minute. BELIEVE me!
I talked to Sam some more at lunch today. It seems Joanna decided to 'take the day off' from school. Which is understandable since she might be....sighhhh...fucking PREGNANT!!!! Ugh! A part of me is mad as hell that Sam could be so careless! And another part of me is even MORE jealous than I was before, because...well, I dunno. I just...I KNOW that he should've been mine! Me and Sam...we were like...soul mates! For our whole LIVES, we've been soul mates! The only thing missing were the hours and hours of hot gay sex! This is so fucked up! Why can't he just...change??? Arrrgh! I'm sorry, this whole entry is going a totally different way than what I had planned. It just...it really hurts for some reason. Maybe I'm just being selfish again.
I just don't get it. I mean, what the hell? Does he realize that a baby is like...gonna totally be there for the rest of his LIFE??? It's not like you can just take care of it for a few months and then just walk away. You're pretty much stuck taking care of this thing until ONE of you stops breathing! Which...I mean, that might be ok for some people later on. But at FOURTEEN??? I barely know what the hell to do with MYSELF half the time, what the heck would I do with a BABY???
I asked him what he was going to do if she actually turns out to be pregnant. And Sam was just like, "I dunno...I guess I could get a work permit or something. Get a job. Maybe my mom will help out with some stuff." He was totally trembling when he said it though. I could tell that he wasn't ready for ANY of this. He couldn't even eat his lunch while we were sitting there. I'll bet he would've been sick if he even tried to. I'll just BET. I mean, come on...'get a job'? Duh! What kinda paycheck is he gonna be able to get at his age? And still be able to go to school, AND do homework, AND plan for a future? STUPID!!!
Ok...so that's kinda harsh.
I'm sure most of that anger is coming from the fact that...this is the final nail in the coffin as far as him and I ever having a relationship, like...'together'. Even after all the bullshit and the girlfriend and the reaction to me coming out to him...there was always just this little GLIMMER of hope, you know? Like he'd just...wake up one day and come to his senses. And choose...me. Maybe I'm the 'stupid' one, right?
But if you ask me, he would have been much better off. If he had been fucking ME instead of HER this whole time, he wouldn't be in this mess! I could have handled all the cum he had to give me and more!
Omigod...did I just write that? Ugh! Jesus! My mom had better NEVER EVER *EVER* find this diary!!! Like...EVER!!!
Anyway, so Sam said that Joanna's older cousin, Janine, was gonna get her one of those at home pregnancy tests. Instead of going to the doctor and all. Thank God! Because if she had, her parents would have found out. Which means Sam's MOM would have found out. Which...pretty much means that MY parents were going to find out too. And I'd have to sit through that God awful awkward talk about...'sex'! Ewwww!!! Why do parents insist on doing that? Maybe that kinda talk was ok to have back in the 50's or whatever...but NOT now! I get the gist of it! Hell, I can find all I need to know about sex on the DISNEY Channel, nowadays. I won't even mention what I get from 'regular' movies and TV. I don't need to sit through that. My parents and discussions about sex are two things that I don't EVER want to see in the same room together at the same time. Yuck!
So I guess Sam is gonna find out tomorrow whether or not he's gonna be....a dad. Geez, that sounds SO weird saying that about a friend of mine. Almost impossible.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, dude. I really am. And no matter what the answer...no matter how hard it'll be to take...I'll be there for you, man. Buds forever.
Maybe I can be, like...'Uncle Billy' or something. That would be cool. I guess....
Oh yeah, So Jimmy is totally flipping out right now, because Jamie Cross found him at his locker today and said that his friend Gabriella finally has time to do that big 'gay' interview that she wanted to do with him. And evidently, not only is Jamie gonna BE there when he does it but he's gonna be videotaping it on his digital camera. I guess it's a video project and not just written like I originally thought it would be. I don't think Jimmy LaPlane was at all prepared for that. Hehehe! He's losing his mind right now. The big day is tomorrow after school, and he's shaking in his boots. I kinda wanna be there myself, but...I dunno. Would that sound weird? If I asked Jamie Cross to come and watch him make a 'gay teen' video with a 'friend' of mine? I think that would look odd. Yeah...that would just be...uncomfortable for me to explain. Besides, I told Lee I'd hang out with him tomorrow anyways.
Jimmy was kinda giggly on the phone when he told me, and I could hear the springs in his mattress creaking as he bounced around uncontrollably. Hehehe, I don't know, I thought it was kinda cute! You know? Anyway, so he's all like, "Omigod!!! Billy, he's gonna be there, like FILMING me! I hope I don't get a boner while he's got me on tape! He's gonna be, like, smiling at me and everything! OOH OOH...and Jamie is TOTALLY gonna drive me over there in his mom's CAR!!!! Ahhhhh....omigod, isn't that just the hottest thing EVER???" He squealed, and I swear, if he had kept going at that intensity, he was gonna end up 'sticky in the shorts'! Geez! Hehehe! I was happy for him, what can I say? Then he says, "Billy...I mean it, dude...I'm gonna totally ask him if I can kiss him on the mouth! JUST once! He won't say no, will he? It'll be rude and cruel if he says no! And he's not rude and cruel...Jamie Cross is AWESOME!!! He'll let me! I'm telling you, he'll let me do it! Omigod, I've gotta take a picture of us kissing! I'll jack off to that image for the rest of my LIFE!!!"
I laughed and said, "Hehehe, Jimmy...Jamie Cross isn't even gay."
And he says, "Yeah, where have I heard THAT before?" He teased me by mocking my voice, "I'm sorry, Jimmy...but I'm not gay. I'll kiss you on the lips though! Mmmmmmm....mwah mwah mwah..."
I was like, "HAHAHAHA!!!! STOP THAT!"
He says, "Ya big LIAR! And Lee told me the same thing too, and we all know how THAT turned out! If I end up three for three, I'm gonna see if I can win a 'straight boy to gay boy' trophy or something! Hehehe!" Psh! Whatever! Then again...hehehe, he HAS been pretty damn lucky! Luckier than I've been lately. Anyway, I told him to give me all the details of how it went when he finishes, and he said I'd be the first to know.
But if he gets to kiss Jamie Cross on the mouth...I'm gonna bang my head against the wall until I knock myself unconscious.
So anyway, let me tell you what happened today. You know, I was kinda thinking about what Bobby said to me on Friday...you know, about 'letting me go' if it'll make me happy. And it still...I mean, I'm probably gonna hurt over Brandon FOREVER...but it wasn't fair to make him feel bad about it. No need for BOTH of us to be totally miserable, you know? Well...not that he was. He had somebody...'else'...
Anyway, I still had one of his books from his English class on my desk at home. I borrowed it like, forever ago. I figured I should give it back and maybe, in not so many words, let him know that I'd get over it. (Yeah, I know...it's a boldfaced lie. But...I'd be willing to try. You know...for him. If that's what he really wanted.) So I had the book in my hand and was going to just meet him at his locker between classes. I knew Brandon's habits by heart at this point, and he'd be stopping to drop stuff off between 6th and 7th period so he can go and be 'pretty' in the library like he usually does. So I'm at his locker, and I'm sorta waiting for him to come around the corner, when I see Stevie walk up.
I had to struggle to keep from grimacing at the mere sight of him, but I was gonna be 'polite' to the son of a bitch regardless. That is, until the expression on his face changed. You know what he did? This emo creep comes walking over to me, like, "Dude...ok, enough is enough. What are you doing?"
I'm like, "Huh? I'm not 'doing' anything. I'm just waiting for Brandon."
So he says, "What for?"
And I say, "I've got his English book. Why?"
So Stevie's all, "Well, you can give it to me. I'll make sure he gets it." And he reaches for the book, but I pull my arm back.
I say, "No thanks. I can give it to him myself." And I'm looking at Stevie like 'what the fuck'? You know?
He actually looks aggravated with me. So he leans against Brandon's locker and says, "I know what you're doing, Billy. And it's pathetic, ok?"
I'm like, "What are you TALKING about?"
And he goes, "Don't play me for an idiot. I'm NOT blind. Not anymore. I thought you were on the level at first, but I'm not stupid. And I don't appreciate you pulling on my boyfriend's pants leg every few days to get his attention. Just have some dignity and walk away already before you embarrass yourself any further." Dude, I was COMPLETELY outdone by that comment! I couldn't believe my ears! I couldn't believe the look on his face! I fucking KNEW I should have taken Sam up on his offer to mash up his pretty face with a couple of baseball bats when we had the chance.
I said, "First of all...NOBODY is pulling on your 'boyfriend's' pants leg. I was actually just coming to give him his book back and leave. And second of all...if you're so worried about somebody stealing Brandon away, then maybe you two aren't as happy as you pretend to be."
He's like, "Oh we ARE. You can bet on it." Then he whispers, "He certainly feels 'happy' enough to me. You know, when we're making out...and he's grinding on me? Makes BOTH of us feel pretty good, actually. He's an awesome kisser, but I guess you knew that already."
I don't know why I said it, but I told him, "Yeah. That and a lot more."
So he laughs it off, and says, "Well, I haven't gotten that far with him yet. But then again, I don't have a Bobby Jinette to keep me 'busy', do I?" I don't know how the hell he found out about THAT! Unless...unless Brandon told him. Which I think would hurt me more than I ever would have imagined it could. Stevie's all like, "Face it...you HAD your shot. And you totally screwed it up. So sit back on the bench and let the next batter take his swing, huh?" He had the nerve to fucking pat me on the shoulder. So I pushed his hand off of me, just as Brandon came around the corner to get to his locker. Stevie smiled at him and said, "Hey, babe. Library time?"
Brandon looked at the two of us, already seeing the hurt and frustration in my eyes before I could hide it from him. He said, "Umm...yeah. Billy, what's going on?"
Like I was gonna give Stevie the satisfaction of having Brandon shoot me down again right in front of him. The last thing I needed at that moment was another 'I love you, Billy...I just happen to love Stevie a whole lot more because you're an asshole' speech. So I just basically pushed the book right into Brandon's chest and said, "It's nothing. Here's your book back." And I left while Stevie was shining me on with that cheesy grin of his. FUCK HIM!!! As a matter of fact, fuck them BOTH!!!
You know what...I'm totally gonna have sex with somebody this weekend! I don't care WHO it is! I'll fuck Jimmy LaPlane if I have to! I want this emptiness to go away. I just...I want to forget. Yeah...
I just want to....forget.
I'm gonna go now. Not much to say. Not much at all. I feel sick anyways. Later.