"Billy Chase #198"


- Wow...this is going to be one hell of a weekend to remember. I can't believe that I'm writing this right now...and I don't really know how to feel about it either. But...

Sam and Joanna broke up today.

Geez, just looking at the words written out on the page like that is just so....weird, you know? I can't figure out if this is a good thing, or a bad thing, or...just a 'thing'.

See, Sam came over earlier today, and right away I could tell that there was a serious problem. Sam doesn't have much of a 'poker face' when it comes to his true feelings. Not usually, anyway. So he's obviously upset when I let him in, and he lays back on my bed, just looking up at the ceiling...and after a few moments of silence...he just comes right out and says it. "Joanna totally dumped me today."

Naturally, I'm like, "What? WHY?"

But he just shrugs. And not in that 'I don't really care' kinda way. It was more like an, 'Omigod this hurts soooo much I can't even bear to THINK about why right now' kinda way. You know...a couple of months ago, I would have jumped for joy at the thought of Sam and Joanna going their separate ways. But today? Ugh...he was seriously in pain. And I can't STAND to see Sam in pain. He didn't talk much, but when he did, his voice would tremble a little bit, and then he'd just shrug his shoulders again and clam up before any waterworks started. He was actually broken up, and that alone kept me from taking any enjoyment out of this at all.

Don't get me wrong, I LIKE Joanna...I just...ahhh let me just come right out and say it. I'm being selfish, and I want Sam all to myself. Sharing him with someone else has been a weird experience...even while I was going through bullshit of my own.

I tried to comfort him, but I don't know if he wanted it at the time. I think he needed to feel miserable for a while. He's like, "I thought that maybe she was just spooked by the pregnancy issue, and that she just needed some time to get her head right again. She wouldn't let me talk to her, she never answered her phone, she cringed when I touched her...and then this morning...she just..." He sighed, and then shrugged again, rolling over onto his side and hugged one of my pillows.

I'm like, "I'm sorry dude. Seriously."

He said, "I don't know why she's being so weird about all this. Everything was FINE. We should have been able to go right back to being happy again." Then he's like, "I called her this morning to see if she wanted to go to the mall, and maybe I'd buy her some lunch or something...and she's just like, 'I don't think we should see each other anymore'. And I asked her WHY, but all she said was that she doesn't think I'm a good person to be around. I mean...what the fuck does THAT mean? Why am I not a good person to be around?" Wow, that did sound pretty damn harsh. Especially with Sam being such a whipped puppy around her every second of the day. She couldn't possibly have had the same problems with him that she had with me not paying her enough attention. Sam practically lived, breathed, and dreamed, Joanna with every waking moment of his life. Still...I guess it didn't help much in the end.

Trying to offer him some peace of mind, I said, "It'll be alright, dude. Really. You and Joanna broke up once before, remember? And you got back together, like, a week later or something. She's just freaking out."

But he said, "Not this time, Billy. I know when she's being serious and when she's just mad. This wasn't a temporary 'so long'. This was, like...goodbye, you know?" He sighed to himself again, and I saw a few tears start to well up in his eyes. So he's like, "Forget it. You know what, I don't even wanna talk about her right now. I'd rather play some games or something instead. Fuck her. If she wants to go so bad, then let her go." He sat up straight and says to me, "I just want you to know that I'm getting HAMMERED at your party on Monday. Seriously. I wanna drink myself stupid and just forget the last few months of my life for a while."

Hehehe, I have to admit, the idea of Sam...alone and horny and drunk to the point of passing out at my party was kinda...'intriguing' to me. Ugh! I'm SO perverted! What the hell is wrong with me! But yeah, screwed up as it may be...one of the first thoughts to cross my mind was, "If ever there was a chance for me to take advantage and sneak in some experimental loving from my best friend...this would be it" Hahaha! I'm just KIDDING of course. I wouldn't...do that...it's just....it crossed my mind.

This party is gonna be great! Hehehe!


While Sam was there, and since he was desperately trying to get off the subject of losing his girlfriend...I had to ask him a few questions about Lee and Randall. While I had the proverbial 'door' open, I might as well, right? I was playing a game with him at the time, and sorta tried to approach the subject in as subtle a way as I could. So I was like, "Sam...can I ask you something?"

And he's like, "Yeah, what's up?"

So I'm all, "Do you know Lee's friend, Randall? The one who's letting me have the party at his house on Monday?"

And Sam grins to himself. "What? You mean the gay one?" He says. Like...totally the way I would have said it, you know? He's like, "Yeah, I know him. Why? You think he's cute or something, don't you???"

Well, yeah, I did. But that's not what I was asking at all. I said, "NO! Hehehe! I mean, I was just thinking...do you ever wonder, like...why Lee is always hanging around with...'gay' boys?"

Sam's like...looking at me with a sly eye for a second, then he's like, "Hehehe, you mean like YOU? Psh! I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter to him, or whatever. He seems pretty cool about it."

I don't think Sam was really getting what I was trying to hint at. I said, "No...I mean...Lee seems awfully 'friendly' with them. Don't you think?" Sam gave me a weird look, and I...I don't know, I tried to backtrack a little before he thought I was making a move on one of his buddies or something. "I'm just saying...I mean...it's not like Lee has a girlfriend or anything."

But Sam was like, "Dude...Lee doesn't have a girlfriend because he goes to a prep school where almost everyone he comes into contact with is another guy. That doesn't mean he's gay."

I'm like, "I didn't SAY he was gay...I'm just saying..."

Sam tried to sound calm, but he was clearly defending Lee all the way. "I know what you're saying. It just looks weird because he's always hanging out with gay people. I mean...I get it. He's ok with it. But that doesn't mean he's just gonna turn gay or something. Lee is just looking for the right girl to be with, that's all."

I don't know why Sam was being so 'protective' of Lee's sexuality all of a sudden, but...Jesus...if he's gonna be like THAT, I figured it would be best to just leave it alone. I said, "Fine. Nevermind."

And Sam takes it even further by saying, "I just don't think he's a homosexual, that's all. Randall, maybe, but not Lee."

I said, "How do you know that? Did he TELL you he wasn't gay?"

And Sam's like, "Did you tell him YOU were gay?" Which, you know...I guess I hadn't really. But I hardly see why that was supposed to have anything to do with anything.

I didn't really go into it too much with him, but...it already seems like he has some sort of PROBLEM with me possibly liking Lee as more than a friend. Which doesn't make sense. Because it's not like I'm stealing his 'girlfriend' or anything.

Sam is weird.

I really thought about calling Brandon today once I got the chance to be alone. My fingers were literally itching to pick up that phone and just....'talk' to him for a while. Even if for only five minutes, it would be...sweet to hear his voice in my ear again. Gosh...it seems like it had been sooooo long since I was able to kiss those pretty red lips of his and tell him how much he meant to me. And now that things were moving back in that direction again...it was almost painful to have to wait out the frustratingly long minutes until I got the chance to embrace him like a boyfriend again. I truly missed him, you know? I truly did.

Shit...I'm sorry if this seems short. I've gotta run. Soooo much to do before the party! I'll write more tomorrow. Seeya later.

Wish I had more to report today. But Sam and Joanna's break up kinda overshadowed everything else. ((Hugz To Sam)) I hope you'll be ok, man. Buds for life.

- Billy

Thanks so much for reading! Be sure to keep checking in on Billy's new journal entries!




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