- Great! I look back over my last few entries, and what do I see? Masturbation, goo goo eyes, and enough lust to fill an entire porn site on the net. Is that stereotypical or what? You know, it's strange, but I don't really feel 'gay' most of the time. I know it sounds silly, but it's the truth. I get up, I go to school, and I'm just a person like everyone else. Sure, there are a lot of guys that I drool over constantly, and I think about sex an awful lot...but that's not the only important part of my life. Well...considering that I'm not 'getting any', it isn't really a part of my life at all. Sometimes, it makes me wonder what the big deal is. If I outed myself tomorrow (Don't even THINK about it Billy!!!), would it change who I am? Would I suddenly talk differently, walk differently, change my whole wardrobe, and walk the halls with my dick hanging out of my zipper while wearing high heel shoes? Somehow I doubt it. I wish it didn't matter. I wish I didn't have to hide my attraction for boys any more than other guys have to hide their attractions from me. Why would somebody else CARE so much, anyway? It's my life, right? How is loving who I want to love screwing up their existence? Who knows? Maybe I should just be enjoying the more normal pieces of my life instead. Maybe this gay thing will just be a 'phase', afterall.
Well, Sam evidently got himself into a bit of a feud with his mom over his detention today, so it looks like it's going to be yet another day home alone this afternoon. Just as well though, I'm in one of my blue moods anyway. Not a bad mood, really. But not a good mood either. It's one of those days where you just want to do 'something'...but you have absolutely no idea what that 'something' is. I'm inspired to make a move, but not motivated to make a move. I'm sure this feeling leaves you once you get older. At least I hope it does. I'd hate to think that this is normal.
Not much to say today. A wasted entry for this little journal of mine? Nah. I suppose everything is important in its own way. Who knows, I might look back on this someday and be glad that I wrote it. Even the little, unexplained, moments of life can be kinda cool at times when you look at them from a different perspective.
Just wish I had more in my life to tell. More to experience. Life can just be downright boring somtimes.
Anyway...I'll write more later!
- Ok, I won't even pretend that my mind is going to change about this. I'm not taking this notebook to school! I saw Jimmy's notebook get taken away by our English teacher today. He was drawing something, TOTALLY not hurting anybody at all, and she snatched it up and embarrassed the poor kid by hanging the picture he drew up on the blackboard for the rest of the period! Jesus! Are we supposed to learn any other valuable lesson from that other than complete and utter humiliation? Imagine if I had decided to jot down a few of my most private thoughts in this book during class, and she did the same thing to ME? THEN what? She ruins my life, and says "I'm sorry, but you should have been paying attention to my 15,000th explanation of the use of a comma in a sentence???" Thanks a lot bitch! I swear, if it weren't for my friends being huddled together all under the same roof, school would really be a day long suckfest!
(And I don't mean that in a good way! Sounds hot though.)
I noticed something strange today that got me to thinking. There's this girl in my science class named Celia, and I never really paid her much attention until today...but sometimes, I could swear she's watching me. I mean actually "watching" me. I didn't think anything of it at first, but after catching her glancing over at me from the corner of my eye, it began to annoy me. I was almost tempted to ask her what the heck she was staring at. Then something else entered my mind. I wonder if maybe she likes me. Not LIKES me, likes me. But...maybe I'm lumped together with her personal list of people she wouldn't kick out of bed. I never considered myself overly sexy, despite a few goofy comments from girls in junior high, and the ever popular 'he's gonna be a heartbreaker' dialogue from distant family members. (Who aren't always as 'distant' as I would like them to be, by the way!) But something inside kinda switched on when I thought about being a part of her daily fantasies. Hehehe, maybe I'm making it up and getting ahead of myself. But it felt kinda cool. Even if it IS a girl!
Speaking of daily fantasies, I saw Brandon in the library again today. I swear, he must take up residence in that place. I expect to see him there like I expect the sun to rise every morning. And I'm always looking to get a good seat where I'd be able to see him clearly. It's weird, I never speak to him, but I feel compelled to just stare at him, you know? Watching from a distance like some nature show on cable. It's like...I'd 'spoil' the moment somehow if I let him know that I was there. He can be soooo beautiful without even trying. So naturally amazing. One of these days, I'm going to really have to try and talk to him a bit more than I usually do. He's always alone, and just being sorta....quiet. But I like that. I don't know....it's cute.
Phone's ringing. Must be Sam telling me how long he's going to be on lock down. Gotta run! I hope he's not grounded for too long. We've got stuff to do.
- Did you notice that I didn't mention Jamie for two whole entries now? No, I didn't forget. I just didn't want to fill this whole book up with mindless rantings and ravings about how HOT he is. I've been searching for a way to describe exactly how I feel about him. But I haven't been too successful yet. I see him in the halls at least once a day, sometimes at lunch too, and my whole focus becomes totally centered on him. I feel self conscious about EVERYTHING! I can't even talk without feeling my whole body start shaking from the inside. There have been times when he's walked past me, and I find myself inhaling deeply, just to catch a whiff of his scent and cherish that sweet aroma for as long as possible before it's gone forever. Sigh...this can't be sane. I mean, if he ever talked to me, I'd HAVE to kiss him on the lips! That's all there is to it. No avoiding it. It's his OWN damn fault for looking like that in the first place.
However, there are times when I just wish that I could stop thinking about him so much too. Times when I mention his name like six or seven times to the same person in the course of one period, and they can TELL that I've got Jamie on the brain. The thoughts are always present, and yet they're never the same. Sometimes the thought of him takes me on a euphoric high that illegal drugs WISH they could reproduce! Other times, it depresses the shit out of me. Knowing that it has complete control over me and won't let go...the idea of this unreachable human being who just means the world to me for no apparent reason other than he's unbelievably gorgeous. Sometimes he makes me feel so helpless, and I just wish that I didn't have to worry about him rejecting me and kicking my heart across the street while he laughs at the little fag boy and his silly attractions. I swear, no one can torture me the way he can. In both good and bad ways.
It looks like Sam was able to get away with only three days of being grounded. He'll probably only have to do two if he gets out on good behavior. His mom is sweet like that, sometimes TOO sweet. But hey, I'll have my best bud back, so you won't catch me complaining. He says he's got some news for me, but he wants to meet at the Hill to tell me. I'm not sure whether I should be happy about that or not. To Sam, 'good news' could be anything from finding a 1985 penny, to discovering where Jimmy Hoffa was buried. But I guess I'll remain up in the air about it until he tells me wht it is. Until then, I'm going to start in on my homework and try to catch an actual music video or two on MTV. You know...those things they play rarely between hours of game shows, beach parties, commercials, and back to back to back to BACK super marathons of the "Real World"! Until tomorrow, seeya!
- Am I supposed to write in this thing on weekends too? I don't know. I think maybe I shouldn't have skipped this weekend. Not that anything amazing happened, but I kinda want to record everything now, you know? Weekends too.
Well, anyway...Sam did his 'time' over the weekend, and is a relatively free man again. But the weekend sucked without him, that's for sure. Anyway.....he told me what the 'good news' was, which isn't really 'good news' at all, but it's interesting. It seems that there's a girl at school who really likes me. And it's NOT Celia (As far as he knows, anyway). The big problem is, that he doesn't know who it is. But evidently he was 'approached' by a small gang of femme fatales in gym class yesterday, and they were asking those loaded questions about me. You know the kind, "Does he have a girlfriend?", "Is he nice?", "How would he feel if someone said they liked him?" and a bunch of others. See...there's this unspoken strategy when it comes to displaying interest in someone at school. First rule, the identity has to remain completely hidden until it has been deemed safe to rise to the surface. Second rule, one must have a friend or group of friends find out the necessary information for you, before making a move, or even making an appearance. Third rule, never have anyone mention your name while speaking to the object of your affections. In high school, even the whispered rumors can spread faster than wind blown flames in a brush fire. So you've got to be careful. Fourth rule, you must keep a distance of at least nineteen feet from the person you're in love with while your friends find out the appropiate information. And you CAN'T make eye contact until at least seven minutes and 43 seconds after they finish talking to him. Hey, I didn't make the rules, I just abide by them. And the fifth, and most important rule of all, when you finally get the green light, and are ready to approach the boy or girl of your dreams, it has to be in a low traffic area. That means someplace where a bunch of people can't see you get shot down if a rejection takes place. That kind of thing can follow you throughout the rest of your life. So, if this girl follows the rules, and my social calculations are correct, I should be able to get a name in about 5 and a half days, give or take a few hours.
In other news, I know it might sound kind of strange, but I've been kinda looking at Simon more than usual lately. It's weird, but it's true. He seems to be losing a little bit of that 'little boy' look, and growing into a true hottie more and more everyday. He's letting his blond hair grow out a little bit, and I noticed his ass for the first time today. Not bad. He's actually kinda quiet sometimes, and I wonder if there's any chance that he might be gay. I've been trying to switch on this fabled 'gaydar' intuition inside of me, but it doesn't seem to work yet. Just my luck, it'll kick in the day after I'm married, and I'll see all of the cute guys in my yearbook that I 'COULD' have been sleeping with if I only had the guts. Still, he's cute, and a cool person too. I might just look into that a little bit more in the days to come. He's not really my 'ideal' boyfriend, but it wouldn't be a bad first time out.
I've got TONS of boring homework tonight, but I'm going to find a TV show or two to help me procrastinate for a while longer. So I'll write more later!
- FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! Saw an AWESOME fight today in the hallway in front of the school library! Jake Tempton and Ramon Velacci! Both pretty big, it was hard to even get a good idea as to who would win. My bet was on Jake though! I saw him in a fight once in the 6th grade, and he drew actual blood! Now THAT was cool! Evidently, there was a dispute over a girl, and that led to the brawl. Now Tommy from my math class told me that Ramon slept with Jakes long time girlfriend of seven weeks. But Melissa from my Spanish class told me that Ramon and this chick had been seeing each other all along, and Jake was the one who was intruding. And then, Gabriel told me that this girl was pregnant with Jake's baby, and that Ramon was jealous because he's gay and can't have Jake's baby instead, even though he's saving up to have a sex change operation after high school. Mental note: Gabriel is NOT a good source for underground information. Security broke it up before anything good really happened, but it was a bit of excitement for the day. No word on the girl who likes me yet. I've been trying to scan for signs from some of the girls around school, but I haven't seen any of them really acting funny around me. Nothing above normal. You know, even though I don't know who she is or what classes we have together, if any, it makes me feel different inside, you know? I dress a little better, take some extra time on my hair, and actually feel...I dunno..."sexy", or something. Whether she's my type or not, there is simply so cool about being liked by somebody you don't even know. It's like being a celebrity in someone's own little private movie. I would love to know who it is! But I still have some time to wait. Also, I hear that the latest attempt to start a relationship has failed miserably. This girl, Stacy told Bobby S. that she liked him, and he said he wasn't interested at all. He's cute, but has a tendency to be a bit of a jerk sometimes. Anyway, this little upset in the dating game will make EVERYBODY nervous, and will thereby slow my response time down considerably. Perhaps delaying the answer a whole WEEK or more! Grrr! But these things take time. So I can wait.