- Well...I think I might have made a big fucking mistake today! A HUGE mistake! And I've pretty much been kicking myself all night until this very moment when I sat to write this down. How could I be so damn STUPID!!!
Sighhh...well...I might have fucked up things with Simon today. Like, for good. I KNEW I shouldn't have pushed too hard! I just fucking KNEW it! You know, he asked to come over again today, just out of the blue. I actually got excited, just by the smile on his face when he said it. He was looking SOOOO damn cute today in school that I could hardly stop staring at him. You know how some boys just have those days when they look as mouthwatering as human possible? Well, today was that day for Simon. So....he asked me, and I was super horny, and I just...I just wanted to be with him, you know? I wanted to try stuff, even if it was just a blowjob or maybe just some heavy kissing. I just wanna know what it feels like. Being close to another boy. I've been waiting for so damn long, and it NEVER happens! My body is aching for some kind of affection, and being surrounded by hot boys all day only makes it worse. I'm tired of using my imagination, I want some contact. And that's all I could think about. So...I guess, when he asked me...I got kind of excited and took that to mean that this would be my chance. That he was giving me a sign.
He came over, and we were talking and playing games like we always do...it was a good time, you know? I could have just left it alone, but I didn't want to chicken out again. I didn't want to spoil yet another opportunity to have hot passionate sex with this cutie. I mean, he was right there, and he was sooo beautiful. I don't know what it was that got me so desperate all of the sudden. But it made me willing to try ANYTHING to get him to respond! Anything. I actually even thought of just coming right out and asking him, maybe even BEGGING him, to let me suck his dick or something. Anything to just....argghhh....have some fucking SEX!!! With SOMEBODY!!! Geez!
So, I'm trembling inside, because I don't want to waste any more 'suck time' by being scared...but I don't wanna freak him out either. I kept touching him whenever I had the chance, or sitting really close to him on the bed, or leaning really close to his face until our cheeks were almost touching...just in case it would promote a little tongue action. But the grand finale came when we started wrestling on the bed. We were laughing, and I was thinking that this would be the easiest way to get him aroused, you know? It all started when I was trying to get close to his face, and he laughed at me and told me to back up a bit. So I played along, and used the opportunity to get even closer than before. That's when he playfully put me in a headlock and we started rolling around. It was hardly a sexual encounter, but I was so hard that I thought I'd burst any second! It was the most 'activity' that I've ever had with a boy that I liked this much.
Then...something went terribly wrong.
In my mind, this whole tumble became super sexual, and I think I let my hands wander a bit much for him. I don't know WHAT the hell I was thinking, but even though I knew I was taking the biggest risk of my life...I couldn't stop myself. I craved more contact. Naked contact. I grabbed at him as 'secretly' as I could, letting my hands rub his sweet little ass, hugging his waist close to me, trying to pin him on his back or letting him pin me on mine. I kept sliding my hands under his shirt. The skin on his stomach is sooooo soft and smooth, omigod! The whole event was so damn HOT to me! I was even pushing my face as close into his groin area as I could...just for a sniff, or a lick, or to hopefully feel his hardness against my cheek. Maybe even against my lips. The closest I got though was a few little kisses on the inside of his thighs, which I doubt he felt through his jeans. Somewhere in my sexed up state, I honestly thought that I could get him riled up enough to have sex with me. But at one point, I had him on his stomach and I climbed up on top of him...and I made my biggest mistake...I pushed my hips into him. I didn't MEAN to...well, then again...maybe I DID! I don't know! All I know is that he was under me, and his tight little round bottom was pressing up into me as he tried to get up, and....and I thought he was 'into it'. His butt was so incredibly shaped, and he was driving it up into me, and that made me push down even harder to keep him still. The more he wiggled his cute little ass, the more turned on I got. I pushed my dick right into those cushioned cheeks of his and felt a surge of pleasure rush through my whole body! It was just like having sex, and I held onto him for all I was worth, because I never wanted it to end. But...having him feel me hard against his butt was crossing the line, I guess. Especially when I slid both of my hands up his shirt again and wrapped my arms around him from behind. Was I actually 'humping' him? I don't know! I don't really remember. I was kinda lost in the sensation.
Simon sort of stopped struggling all of a sudden and told me, "Ok...that's enough." I was kinda scared, but was hoping to giggle a bit and just kinda get him back into the game. He didn't though. He said, "No, Billy. I'm serious. Get off me." Which he followed with, "Now! Get OFF me. I'm not fooling around." And he started to struggle, but for 'real' this time, like he was kinda mad. So I let go and moved away from him, hiding my boner as fast as I could. I was shaking so hard that I thought he'd be able to see it from across the room. He gave me this really weird look, and straightened his clothes up as he caught his breath. His face was red and his hair was a little messed up, but he was still cute as hell to me. I made sure to hide my erection by kneeling down behind the mattress, and my erection was growing to champion lengths at that moment. I was hoping to just play it off as some kind of accident, but I'm sure Simon knew what he felt on his ass. And he didn't look happy about it. He only stayed for about five minutes longer after that, barely said a word to me the entire time. Basically just finished that one game on the Playstation, grabbed his shoes, and said he had to go. I was TERRIFIED that he was going to tell somebody, or call me a 'fag' and walk out! Whatever was on his mind, he didn't let me know. He just....left.
I can honestly say that as good as it felt rolling around with him, I regret every SECOND of it! (Even if I jacked off like FOUR times since then just thinking about it!) Why did I have to be so STUPID??? Everything was going great! We were talking, he was coming over to my house pretty regularly, we were laughing and spending time alone together. I just wish I knew what insane impulse made me think that I could suddenly jump three hundred steps ahead in the evolution of this thing in one afternoon. I think my body was just in dire need or something.
Anyway...something tells me that I ruined everything with Simon, and it hurts something awful to know that he's probably gonna hate me for it. This sucks. Believe it or not, for the first time EVER, Jimmy LaPlane asked me if I wanted to do something after school today. Why, I'll never know. We've never done anything together before. But noooooooo...I had to turn Jimmy down so I could fuck up my life and destroy my chances with Simon forever! Stupid! Just goes to show that fate always gives you a way out. I should have chosen door #2 this time around.
That's it for tonight. I'm going to bed early, even if it IS Friday. Now I'll have to think about this all weekend long, and hope that Simon hasn't spread the word about me being a homo to anyone by Monday morning. I can't believe that I was so damn sloppy. I deserve to be 'outed'.
- (Very scared) Billy
- Well, I didn't wake up to picket signs and the villagers waving torches at my house, so I'm assuming that Simon hasn't really told anybody yet. Not that an 'assumption' can give me ANY comfort whatsoever!
Sighhh...if push comes to shove, I guess I can always deny it. Right? I mean, I can always say that it wasn't me, that I didn't do it, that he made it up...it's his word against mine. I might even be able to convince him that he misinterpreted what was going on. I don't know...but I'm sure that I could say SOMETHING to save my reputation! God, I wish I hadn't put myself in this position.
Outside of my need to panic, I needed to do something to keep my mind occupied today. Luckily for me, that distraction came in the form of a phone call from my....um...girlfriend. Still sounds weird calling Joanna that. I don't even know if I should be calling her that just yet. Anyway, not only was it going to get me out of the house, but it put to rest another nagging hang up of mine. Wondering if she wanted to still talk to me or not. I suppose I could have just asked, but it was an issue I don't think I was ready to tackle today.
It turns out that her and some of her friends were going to the shopping mall today, just to shop, hang out, and maybe grab some lunch. It sounded pretty cool to me, and the only other thing I had to do was stay home and worry. So I hopped on the first bus and met them there. One of the other girls I recognized from school, and I think I had seen one the boys walking through the hallway once or twice. The other boy, however...he was CUTE! His name is Lee, and he's extremely fun to look at, believe me. Not that I could really 'stare', considering the company that I was in. But he was cute nonetheless. And almost a full head taller than me. He must have been almost 6 feet tall, give or take an inch. But I liked his long arms and legs. You look at him and just imagine them wrapping all around you naked...like an octopus. PLUS...he was funny as hell and friendly too. Not really shy at all. So I'm glad I went.
But the true highlight of my day was catching a glimpse of that same gay boy that I had seen there a few weeks ago! Meaning that he was 'definitely' a regular mallrat in that place. So....if I wait around long enough on the weekends, I always know where I can find him again. I don't know why that excited me so much, because I don't plan to ever DO anything about it. Especially after yesterday! I don't even want to be caught 'talking' to another gay person until this whole thing blows over and I know my secret is safe. But wow...what a possibility. Imagine, me actually beingable to approach a boy that I KNOW is gay, instead of having to guess and doubt and risk all the time. That would be SO cool!
It took some strategy to sorta distance myself from Joanna a little bit while he was in sight. I tried to guide our group towards parts of the mall that he was shopping in, just so I could peek at him out of the corner of my eye when I got an opportunity. He's REALLY sexy to me, you know that? I dunno, it's just the soft sexy way that he moves, or rolls his eyes, and how he laughs. It drives me crazy! Kinda girly and swishy, but in that really sensual androgynous way. I'll bet he's so warm to the touch. I wonder what his name is?
Probably someting cute like 'Josh', or 'Justin', or....I dunno. Something cool. There were a couple of times that he saw me looking at him, and that was so awesome. I don't know if he was smiling at me in particular, or was just smiling and happened to look my way before it left his face. But it made me feel really nervous...you know...in a 'good' way. He makes me smile. Hehehe!
Strange...going to the mall with my girlfriend to check out other guys. There's gotta be some kind of sitcom type laugh track ready to kick in any minute. Anyway, the mall was fun for a few hours, we played some arcade games, checked out a book store or two...decent time. Lee and the other boy, Ted, even followed me into the toy store for a while so the girls could go involve themselves in their cult ritual of shopping for costume jewelry. Our tastes are so opposite in everything that we do. How guys and girls could EVER get together is beyond me. We are MUCH too different! Then it was a bus ride home, and another kiss on the cheek before Joanna got off. She asked if she could call sometime, and I was happy to agree. Afterall, I seem to be too scared to call her instead.
Overall, the day helped to calm my nerves for a little while. I suppose I should be grateful for the distraction. But once you get home again, and you have some time to think...those same problems that you were trying so hard to avoid are right there waiting for you. Like I said, though...all I've gotta do is wait until Monday. Sighhh....God help me.
- To be honest, I'm not happy. I'm sitting here, practically locked in my own room again, and trying to stop from worrying about life in general being...well....'over'. My parents seem to be at it again, and I really didn't even feel like writing in this damn book today. I'm only doing it because I promised I'd try to make a new entry every day. So far I've been pretty good about keeping up with it. I guess it would be too much of a shame to break the cycle now. Still, life sucks. So I'll keep it short. Joanna called today. When she said she'd call, I didn't think she meant TODAY. But I took the phone in my room, and we started having this really cool....like...relaxed conversation. She really is a cool person. I wonder if I'm truly missing out on someone special by being the way I am.
Then...just as I was beginning to forget that she was a 'girl'...she keeps on talking. First for a half hour. Then an hour. Then an hour and a HALF! Then TWO HOURS!!! I'm watching the clock, wonderng how the hell even SHE can keep going after all this time. My ear was sweaty, my ass was sore, my neck and shoulder were cramped up...I could have read an entire BOOK in the amount of time it took her to finish talking. She had JUST seen me yesterday, for goodness sakes! There are people I haven't seen in two or three years that I don't yap with for that long! Jesus!
Still, she's a cool person, so I sorta enjoyed it. Wish I could get an hour and a half of that time back though. When it's me and Sam...our phone conversations last like 20 minutes. That's it. Why can't that be possible for girls too, huh? Anyway, my mom and dad seem to be fighting about little things that are hardly worth mentioning these days. Much less yelling about. What's worse, even when the fight is over, they're both still angry and I can't really talk to either one of them until later when it passes. I can't even walk to the kitchen or the bathroom without feeling guilty for crossing their 'warzone' without permission. Not to mention the fact that I never...and I mean NEVER...see them make up. Not anymore. They just fight, keep quiet, and then don't talk to each other again until the anger has died down a bit and they're ready to be 'civil' for the sake of family and household. I'm just getting sick of it. As though I don't have enough to worry about without them going beserk on me everyday.
Anyway, I'm not in the best of moods. So I'm going to make myself a quick sandwich and eat it in my room. Wish me luck. I probably shouldn't leave my room without a warhelmet, but I'm hungry. Besides, if I don't make eye contact, my parents should leave me alone. G'night.