MY FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY!!!!
- I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO excited right now!!!
It's still early, but I'm actually gonna take this book out of the house for the very first time EVER tonight! Hehehe, seriously! I've NEVER done that before, but I wanna document every single moment of this party as it's happening. From my first kiss with Brandon when we get back together, to the color shirt that Jamie Cross is wearing, to the music that's playing while everybody shows up to wish me well. My adrenaline rush is so high at the moment that I wish I could just start partying right NOW! All by myself! Hehehe! Arrrgh! It's only 4 o'clock, so I've got a few hours to go. But I wanted to write stuff down while I was thinking about it. So here goes...and I've gotta hurry, because Lee is gonna call any minute to get the details together.
Ok so, my mom actually made me a big birthday breakfast this morning! AND she got me 'Tekken 6' for my X-360!!! Ahhh, which I totally wish I could start diving into right now, but I've gotta party to pull off first! She also got me some clothes and stuff, and my dad got me a 50 dollar gift certificate to the electronic store at the edge of town! It's like my favorite place, because I can get movies and music and video games and everything! So he's majorly awesome for that. I guess he gave it to my mom a few days ago...which proves that they CAN get along for a few minutes if they really try. It sounds really sick, but...I'm actually starting to get used to the idea of them being apart. As much as I feel that it totally RUINED the rest of my life...the house has never been more peaceful. No arguments, no tension, no slamming doors...it's strangely comfortable having them not talking to one another. I wonder if that's what they were shooting for all along?
I still don't want to admit that it's better with them separated though. I can't. This is my family. When everything else in your life fails...family is supposed to be the one stable structure that you can count on. But....at the end of the day...they're both much happier on their own. And that...you know...sucks. But I suppose it's what's best for them right now.
But I'm gonna hate myself for still holding onto a little bit of hope that they'll work things out. How long does it take to miss someone you love? It's been MONTHS now. I just....I just wanna have my three part family back, that's all.
Anyway, I got to school, and people were totally psyched about the party tonight! I mean, the chain reaction was AMAZING! And there were a few people that I didn't really know all that well who asked me if they could go. So I said 'hell yeah'! I mean, how cruel would I have to be to tell someone they couldn't come to my party, you know? That's just not me. So they were super happy about that, and I got some cards and some candy from the girls today! Stacy made sure to put on extra lipstick and kiss me on the cheek. But when I wiped it off with a blush, she was like, "Nooooo! Billy! You've gotta leave it there!" And she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me again. But this time she pressed her lips against me really hard for a while longer. Hehehe, it was sooooo embarrassing, because people were looking and stuff, and I think I started to get a little 'hard' because she was kissing me like that. But she left a big mark on my cheek, and told me not to wipe it off. So I had to walk around with 'girl lips' on my face for the next two periods before Mrs. Tendor told me I had to wash it off in the bathroom. Still, I think I got more attention from people than usual today. Sometimes, taking a few ego moments for myself is FUN! Hehehe!
Anyway, so I kinda saw...um...Trace again in the halls today. Hehehe, arrrgh! What am I doing? I don't know, I think I developed a little bit of a stupid crush or something. He has eyes like Brandon, you know? They're all cute and...and shiny. Omigod, I can't believe I just wrote that. But he's just..really cute sometimes. Especially after talking to him on the phone yesterday. It gave us, like, this whole other dimension worth of stuff to talk about. I liked that.
I asked him, "So you're still coming tonight, right? I mean...you said you'd be late, but you'd come."
And he's all, "Of course I'm coming. I'm not gonna miss your birthday, dude." But then he remembers, and he's like, "Oh wow...wait, TODAY is your birthday. Hehehe, I'm sorry, man. Happy birthday." And then he gave me a HUG! Like a real HUG! And his body was all soft and warm. He's just a little bit shorter than me, but it felt soooo cool to have Trace hug me. Hehehe, it's like...wow. But like I said...I'm just the victim of a misplaced crush that happened out of nowhere. But...you know...it's kinda fun.
That aside, I tried to see Brandon by the library today, but he didn't come by. It was weird, because Brandon's always going to the library at this time of day. Not that it's any big deal or anything. I just wanted to see his smile. Nothing comforts me more than seeing my baby's smile. I know that it's still gonna take some time and all, but...I'm really anxious to just hold him in my arms again. To press my lips against his and have the vibrations of his moan tickle me through our connection. I miss that.
I NEED that.
OH! And Simon's bringing his girlfriend, who I've seen plenty of times, but I just officially met her today. He introduced us so he wouldn't feel like he was bringing a stranger to the party. She's really beautiful, you know? And she seems to really like him. I have to admit that Simon seems almost like a different person these days. There are still some small traces of the old Simon in there somewhere...but overall, that quiet little insecure boy with the blond mop and glasses is gone. And you know what? It was kinda sexy. Hehehe! It WAS! Then again, I'm horny today. So everything is sexy to me.
Time is going soooooooooooooo slow right now! Ugh! Every time the phone rings, I rush to pick it up, just in case it's someone asking questions about the party. I don't want my mom answering the phone. Once I'm out of the house, I'm free to do whatever I want (I think)...but I can't have somebody calling my house and screwing everything up now! I've come too far for this.
My grandma thinks I'm 12 today for some reason. TWELVE??? I mean...ugh! Come on! TWELVE? That's just sad and wrong. Old people. Seriously.
But I love you, Gramms!
Oh! Also...it took a bit of outrage that I didn't really have...but I sorta talked to Joanna today. I mean, how could I not? Sam is so hurt and torn up about this whole thing that I can barely stand to look at him. You should have seen him this morning, moping around like some little kid who just had some big bully kick his ball over the fence. I went to her and asked if we could talk. It's not like she didn't know what it was about, because she rolled her eyes almost immediately. But I was like, "Please? It'll just take a minute, I promise. And if you wanna say no, that's totally cool. But I just...I've gotta ask."
She said, "I really don't want to talk about this, Billy, ok?"
But I was like, "He's MISERABLE without you, Joanna. I mean...what happened? You guys were all lovey dovey and you seemed totally happy with one another and then you just split. You could have at least told him why."
She said, "I DID tell him why. He just doesn't want to listen. Billy...he's not ready for something like this. He doesn't have the maturity or the responsibility for a relationship like this."
I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
She's all, "You know what, I don't expect you to get it either. But things were moving way too fast for the both of us. I nearly ruined my LIFE, Billy. And you wanna know something...I think Sam was gonna bail on me. He said he wouldn't, but looking at his face, looking at how he treated me when he found out...he was gonna, like, totally walk out on me. And I'm not giving him the chance. You have no idea how much it hurt to be so disappointed in someone I loved so much."
Which sounded RIDICULOUS to me! Sam may have a lot of flaws, but he NEVER would have walked out on Joanna if she had been pregnant. Never. It's just not in his heart to DO something like that! But if it's one thing that I know about Joanna, it's that I'm not gonna get anywhere trying to argue the point with her. She's not one to change her mind for the sake of somebody else's feelings. I basically had to BEG her to stay and listen, and asked her, "Listen, just...come to my party tonight. Ok?"
She goes, "What? Billy, I'm not going to a PARTY, are you crazy? I don't want to see him right now..."
But I'm like, "Just stop by! Just for a little while. Sam will be super happy to see you. Lee will be happy to see you, all of our friends will be there, come on! Please? Just...come by, have some fun, listen to some music and if you don't like it you can leave. Alright?" She rolled her eyes again, and sighed hard as I gave her the saddest face that I could. Then I hit her with, "C'mon, Joanna...it's my birthday. It'll suck if you're not there and my best friend is pouting in a corner because of it."
She looked at me and said, "Oh Billy, that is SUCH a low blow."
And I'm like, "Did it work?" And I sorta smiled a little bit, which she tried to ignore, but she couldn't. Hey, what do you know? The gay ex-boyfriend still has a little bit of influence left after all.
She mumbled, "You're so cute when you're being whiney." Then she caved in and said, "I'm NOT promising you anything, Billy. Do you understand? If you think I'm just gonna run back to Sam and make everything ok, I'm not. I'm JUST stopping by for YOUR birthday, and then I'm leaving." She laid down a whole network of ground rules, and I nodded and agreed to every last one of them. I'd do anything at this point. Once those two get close enough to actually look each other in the eyes, they'll be all over each other again. I hate to admit it, but those two 'work'. All the pieces fit. And I doubt that they'll break off such a golden connection that easily. That would just be tragic.
Anyway, mission accomplished! She's coming! I've gotta go! I'm waiting for Lee to call. But I'm taking the book with me so I can write in it from the party. And I'm NOT going to worry about anybody seeing it, because I'm gonna keep it SUPER safe tonight in my pocket! Seriously!
Gotta run! I'll write more in a few hours!
Hehehe, Lee is being extremely CUTE again! I'm at Randall's house right now, and every time I try to get some privacy to write, Lee rushes over and puts his chin on my shoulder to ask what I'm doing. I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get this out! Hehehe! Randall's dressed up pretty cute too. But, you know...like 'gay'. You know, REALLY neat and ironed and pressed. Now that I think about it, Lee kinda dresses like that too most of the time. Especially when we go to the mall on Saturdays. Maybe it's just a private prep school kinda thing. Who knows?
Anyway, it's almost seven o'clock, and some people are already on their way here! Some of the older kids have even called Lee on his cell phone to ask where they should park. Do you know how awesome it is to have older kids at my party? That's crazy!
Randall's big basement is like, HUGE! And he's got this really big flat screen TV, that he's playing some DVD with psychedelic color patterns swirling on it and stuff. When the lights are dimmed, it makes the walls glow and everything. Randall's brothers got two whole KEGS of beer! I had never SEEN so much beer before! I tried to lift one, and I couldn't do it. I could barely even tilt it to one side. They want me to drink, and I never really got into that whole scene...but tonight? I don't know. I'm kinda feeling like I wanna do everything. I just wanna feel...bigger and better than I ever have before, you know? So...I don't know, I'll see if Brandon wants to try it first. And if he doesn't mind, I'll have a little bit. And then we'll BOTH lock ourselves in the bathroom and make out until the party's over and everybody's gone home! Hehehe! GOD, I can't wait!!!!
Hahaha! Ok, Lee's pounding on the door right now, and said, "You'd better not be pushing stuff up your butt in there! Because if you are, I wanna watch!" Omigod...if Lee isn't careful, I'm totally gonna JUMP him and drain the sexiness right out of him until he can't MOVE anymore! Gotta run!
There's the doorbell! People are coming already! Woo hoo!
Ummmm...a bit of weirdness happened. But it's nothing 'bad'. If anything, I kinda expected it. But Jimmy LaPlane came tonight, and he's with AJ. I guess he wanted people to meet his...'boyfriend'. Naturally, it makes me cringe to even see Jimmy walk through the door with him. But Jimmy seems happy, so I guess I can smile and make nice for his benefit. For now, anyway.
I'd like to think that AJ had the best of intentions this time around, but somehow I doubt that. Especially since I could have sworn that I saw him looking over at Randall a few times since he's been here. Which is already the start of trouble.
No sign of Brandon yet, but I'm being patient. Well...more like impatiently patient...but I'm trying.
Jamie Cross called Lee to ask for directions. I guess him and his friends got a little turned around, but I guess he's gonna be here soon too! Hehehe, that'll make Jimmy happy. It was really weird seeing Jimmy introduce AJ to Lee. I just looked at the three of them, standing there together talking, and it was like this really weird overlapping connection of secrets that were all merged together at once. It's moments like this that you really see how small the world really is sometimes.
Sam is here too, but he's still feeling down, despite trying to put on a brave face. It's not like him to be so quiet. Plus he already started drinking, which I didn't expect. He wanted me to join him, but I told him that I'd hold off on that for a while. I wanna see what Brandon says first. And I tried to slow him down too before Joanna got here. She promised she'd come...so she'd better not let me down. So far so good! I don't get much of a chance to be alone, so I'll be back!
Ooh...my gifts and cards are piling up too. Wow! Hehehe! See ya!
Ok, so...the party's going great! A lot of people are showing up, with more on the way. Bobby Jinette is here, and he's being surprisingly friendly to everybody, which is great. He usually just sticks to talking to me most of the night. And with Brandon coming...well, you know. I don't want Brandon to be reminded of that whole mess. I just...sighhh...I just want my baby back.
Simon showed up with his girlfriend too. They are really together. That is so weird. No wonder he dropped off the face of the Earth for a while. She's actually pretty hot. And she clings to him like she really likes him a lot. I don't know why, but I felt kinda...well..proud. Hehehe, how weird is that?
Joanna did keep her word and showed up. Which was awesome of her, but she didn't have much to say to Sam when she walked in. Nothing other than, "I'm just here for Billy's birthday. That's it." Which, of course made Sam feel even worse. But they JUST got started, and Joanna's kinda stubborn. So things might ease up a bit more later.
Oh, and Sam got me to drink a little bit of beer. Umm...yeah. I don't see the fascination, really? It's like drinking cold, carbonated urine...if you can imagine. I don't like the taste of it that much at all. I pretty much just drank it because he was standing there watching me. I'm on my third cup now though, because people keep handing it to me and toasting me for my birthday. It's weird, but the taste doesn't bother you so much once you get used to it, I guess. I don't know, it's weird. Kinda makes your tongue feel all fussy. Oops...did I write fussy? Hehehe, I meant to write 'fuzzy'! Weird.
Oooh! And Jamie Cross came with his hot guy friends too! Which is awesome because it adds so much more undeniable beauty to a room already filled with a gorgeous collection of boys! The thing is, Jimmy came over to, like, 'squeal' over seeing Jamie here! Hehehe! But after us whispering about him for a few minutes...I noticed that AJ wasn't with him. And when I looked around the room, he was kinda talking in a small group of boys...and Randall was there. Knowing AJ, that was his plan being put into motion. And I'm not gonna allow him to break Jimmy LaPlane's heart right here in front of all these people. Especially when he just happily introduced him around to everybody as his boyfriend. So I told Jimmy to spend some time with AJ, which was basically my way of saying 'keep an eye on that creep!' Let's hope that it works.
Gotta go. They're looking for me! Stacy got me like TEN free movie tickets that don't expire until next year! That's freakin' AWESOME!
Ugh! Where's Brandon already?
You know...his beer isn't so bad. I mean, yeah, at first it was like 'YUCK'...but now that I've had five cups, it tastes pretty good. And I'm feeling kinda
nights NICE right now! (Hehehe, I wrote 'nights'! I'll just scratch that out!) This stuff is great!
Sam and Joanna are still kinda avoiding each other, but she can't hold out for much longer. She's gonna have to give in some time. And then they'll probably end up kissing for the rest of the night. I'm sure of it.
Speaking of which...Simon is actually French kissing his girlfriend on the steps right now! What??? God, that looks hot! He took his glasses off to do it too! I wonder if she looks all blurry and shit to him right now. Hehehe! Hey, if she steps away for a minute, maybe he'll be too blind to see ME step in and make out with him for a while. Simon's always been cute, but now he's just plain sexy. In that really lovable 'geek chic' kinda way.
Oh, and Trace showed up too! He apologized for being late, but was happy to be there. I sat on the couch and talked to him for a while, and I think he caught me...um...staring at him a few times. Hehehe...I couldn't
halpp (Oops!) HELP it! He's sooooo beautiful! He really is. I mean it. How did I not see how beautiful he was before? At one point, I was so entranced that I stopped talking to him, and he had stopped talking to me, which just left us staring each other in the face. And this cute little smile broke out on his kissable lips, and he's like, "Hehehe, you ok there, Billy?"
And I'm like, "Huh? Oh..." And I started giggling. I don't know why, I just...felt like
gickeling giggling at that moment. So....ummm...yeah. I'm like, "Sorry." And the beer is kinda making me dizzy, but in that good kinda dizzy way. I mean, that dizzy kinda good way. Weight Wait...does that make sense? Whatever. I'm writing this really fast so I can get back to the party.
So I drink some more, and I'm like, "This stuff acts fast."
And Trace was looking all adorable, and he says, "That's it's job. And you're looking a little slow to catch up to it." Which was really funny for some reason. But he's...he's awesome. I like Trace. I'd...
I can't believe I'm writing this...
I'd fuck the SHIT out of Trace if he let me! I wanna kiss him until I cum all over myself! Hahaha! I do! Ok...I shouldn't be saying that stuff. I'm just...feeling good right now.
Oh, and one more thing, I totally walked over to AJ as he was in a corner by himself, and I told him, "You know...why don't you have a heart and at least PRETEND to not be such a bastard?" I said it right to his face, and AJ, like...SMILED at me.
He's like, "Whoah, slow down, soldier. You wanna tell me what you're talking about first?"
I'm like, "You know what the fuck I'm talking about. Stop playing games. Jimmy's a good guy."
He says, "I never said that he wasn't."
And I asked, "Then why are you screwing him over like this? It's OBVIOUS that you don't love him like he loves you, so why string him along like that?"
You know what AJ told me? He says, "I never said Jimmy and I were boyfriends. HE said that. He knows what this is, Billy. You think he doesn't? Jimmy's a big boy, he can do whatever he wants. He doesn't need you to tell him what to do, and neither do I."
I'm like, "If he's not your boyfriend, then why the hell are you even wasting his time? That's not fair. He could be out there actually finding somebody who really gives a shit about him. Instead, he's wasting his time with an emotional leech like you."
And that's when AJ looked at me and was like..."Do you REALLY wanna do this right here, right now, Billy? Because I have no problem with anybody knowing who *I* am. But something tells me you've still got a few secrets that you don't want out in the open. So you wanna play games, let's play. Otherwise leave me alone and let me get back to my 'date' for the evening."
Can you BELIEVE that? I should have fucking CLOCKED him right there for saying that shit to me! FUCK AJ!!! I'm gonna see to it that Jimmy dumps his sorry ass as soon as possible before he gets hurt! Just you watch! Enough is enough! What a scumbag!
OMIGOD!!! Brandon's here! I just heard somebody say his name!!!! This is IT! This is my chance! Gotta go! Seeya!!!
I'm gonna just stay here for a while. Just...just for a little while. I don't wanna be seen by anybody right now. And I certainly don't wanna see...THEM.
I feel like I just had an entire mile's worth of rusty barbwire pulled through the center of my fucking heart. I'm actually too hurt to even CRY right now! How could he do it? How could Brandon be so nice and so sweet to me over the last few days...and then bring that fucking WEASEL, Stevie, to my birthday party??? HOW??? How could he be so heartless! I thought they were done! I thought they weren't talking anymore! What the fuck happened? Why is my sweetheart...my SOUL MATE...still walking around with that DISEASE on his arm???
He knew that I didn't want him here. He KNEW it! He had to know! Do you know how much I had to struggle to keep from biting that arrogant son of a bitch, Stevie, in the fucking FACE when he gave me that pretty boy emo smile and wished me a happy birthday? Fuck his 'happy birthday'!!! What the hell makes him think that I would EVER invite him to my party, knowing what he stole from me? It hurt so much that I haven't spoken a word to either one of them
scents SINCE! Brandon keeps smiling at me and wanting to talk, and I keep dodging him as often as possible. I have nothing to say to him. NOTHING! It's like...he had no idea that this would bother me. Brandon's not an idiot! He knew! He did it to hurt me! To teach me a lesson! I KNOW he did!
Well fuck them both! That's it. My heart can't take this
emmynore anymore!!! I don't ever wanna see either one of their stupid bullshit faces ever again! Brandon could have totally had me back tonight, and he fucked it up. So...I hope he's happy. Forever! Because I'm done! You hear me? I'm DONE!!!
Ugh...I just want this 'pain' to go away. I'm just gonna sit on the couch with Sam and drink. He's miserable, I'm miserable, the only thing we've got is each other right now.
My cup's empty. I'm gonna go get more. Screw this life. I'm gonna keep drinking until I don't feel ANYTHING anymore! :(
Shit! Why does this still hurt soooooo much??? I
make maid MADE a couple of mistakes just know just...just now. I don't know, I feel weird. I lost can't count of how many cups of beer I had now. I know Jimmy Cross...wait...hehehe, 'Jimmy'? JAMIE! Jamie Cross! Yeah, Jamie kept going to the keg, and bringing me more alkahole alcohol. And then I was sitting next to Sam on the couch, and he was steering staring at Joanna, and I was staring at Brinden Brandon, and we were both feeling like garbage!
But...he was like, "I can't believe that I fucked up soooo bad that she won't even TALK to me. How can she not talk to me?"
End And....and I was like, "Honestly? She told me that she thinks...that maybe you were gonna bail on her if..if she was pregnant." And Sam didn't say anything at first. So I was like, "You weren't gonna bail on her, right?"
And Sam was like, "No." But he said it all quiet and hesitant. So I wrinkled up my
freehold FOREHEAD a little bite...
(WHY is it so damn hard to WRITE this right now! Ugh!!! Too many scratch outs!)
...Anyways, I looked at him strange, and I'm like, "You wouldn't do that. Would you?" And I waited a second or two, and then I was like, "WOULD YOU?"
He says to me, "I was scared, Billy! Really REALLY scared! I don't know! I mean...it's not like I WANTED to run away or anything. I just...didn't know what to do. But...I think...I think I would have stayed. I don't know."
I have to
absent admit...I was disappointed in him. Shocked even. But he was so hurt at the moment, I didn't wanna make him feel worse. So I said, "It's ok, dude. I know you would have helped out."
He's like, "Thanks, Billy. I just...I needed someone to make me feel like less of an asshole right now."
And I was
locking at him, and Sam is...sighhh...Sam is REALLY cute, ok? And I know he's straight, but that doesn't stop him from being totally bateufill BEAUTIFUL, you know? Normally, I could keep those attractions to myself, but tonight I just...I dunno...I found myself putting my hand on his leg. Like...on his THIGH, you know. And I said, "That's ok, Sam. We're best friends. That's what best friends do. You know?" And my hand slid up a little further...like...all by itself. At least it felt that way to me. It was slow, but Sam tensed up a little bit, so I stopped. But only for a couple of sections seconds. Then I kept talking to him...and touching him...and leaning over all close so I could whisper in his ear over the music. And he started looking around the room and getting really uncomfortable. He even stopped drinking, and then, when I said, "You know...Sam...maybe you're better off without a girlfriend for a while. I mean...you're cute enough to have anybody you want. I mean that. I should be so lucky...having a boyfriend like you."...well....Sam kinda took my hand off of his thigh and got up from the couch. He was a little intoxicated, but the look on his face was somewhere between being scared, being confused, and being just plain angry. I couldn't really tell which one was controlling him most at that moment, but I suddenly felt so ashamed for it. SO humiliated.
He was like, "I'm gonna go talk to her. I'm just gonna...um..." And then he put down his cup, and he took MY cup from me too. He's all, "Slow down, Billy. Ok? Really. You should stop."
I said, "I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean you and ME could..."
But he stopped me and said, "I KNOW! I know! It's just...you're drinking, and I know you don't drink, and you should stop because...you just should. K? I'm gonna go." And he practically 'ran' to the other side of the party. So that was a mistake I wish I could take
It still felt good. Touching him like that. God...now I'm hard. I've gotta wait until I go back out there. Besides, everybody keeps asking me if I'm alright because of the beer. I'm just
FERN FINE, already! Sam was like telling people I should lay down. And Trace kept trying to get me to stop. And Lee told me to go upstairs and take a break. And Jimmy was asking me if I needed help, and BOBBY was worried I had too much...ugh! Even Jamie Cross was like, 'Billy, you wanna go upstairs and relax or something? You don't look too good.' Hell, Sam almost told everybody he was taking me home. I don't WANNA go home. I wanna enjoy my birthday. I'm still standing just fern...ARRRGHHH!!!! Just FINE!!!
Just as well that I stay in here for a while anyway. As long as that fucker
Stophie Stevie is still hand in hand with my fucking boyfriend, I don't wanna be fucking seen ANY fucking way!
I need more to
dronk...more to drunk...more to DRINK!!! (Ugh! Stupid pen!) Be rotght right back! But not no, like... letter later...
Hehehe, you know what? SCREW IT!!! Seriously! SCREW EVERYTHING! Hahaha! My whole LIFE...it's over! It's totally over! And I don't even care! Good
ribbons riddens! Fuck the WORLD! Hahaha! It doesn't need me anymore, write RIGHT?
finealley finally had enough, and Brandon tried to gift me my give give me my gift...and we went upstairs because he was being all stipod stupid about it being speckshil special...and shit. And it was like this box...and he says, "Open it." So I open it...and it's like this...really soft Beddy Tear Teddy Bear with my name, 'Billy Chase', stitched into this big red heart on its chest. And the bear is holding this book. And it's a blank book...for me to like, write in and stuff. He's like, "It's a 'Billy Bear'. I went down and had one made especially for you. Just to say that there's no hard feelings. And that I hope we can still be close. Because it's true...I miss you, Billy. I really do." Which is a lot of HORSESHIT...because sif he mixed me if he missed me, he wouldn't be here with that fucking DICK downstairs! Soooo stupid! And then he's fucking like...he's like, "I know you used to write in your journal all the time, and I never got to see what was in there but...I know you were kind reaching the end of that book. I figured...what better way for you and me to start over than with a clean slate? I guess, I just wanted to apologize if I was...mean or cruel to you. I wanna be friends, Billy. All of that other stuff, let's just forget about it and start fresh. K?"
You know what I did? Huh? You know what I did? I laughed in his face! Yeah, that's right. I LAUGHED! I don't know why, but I was
jesst just ready to get a bunch of shit off of my choiste chest right then. So I did.
I'm like, "Why did you bring Stevie to my party? Huh? Is that you're idea of a joke?" And Brandon acts like he doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about. So I tried to make it
perkfetly queer perfectly clear for him. I said, "You broke my heart in half...for HIM? For HIM, Brandon? You've gotta be kidding me! I thought you were broken up? Aren't you supposed to be broken up?"
He's like, "Who said we were broken up?"
I'm like, "People talk, ya know? They saw you two fighting in the library. They know. *I* know!"
Brumden Brandon's all like..."Is that why you invited me here tonight, Billy? You thought you could just lure me here and get me to cheat on my boyfriend?"
I'm like, "He's NOT your BOYFRIEND!!! I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND!!! You TOLD me you loved me! You SAID I made you happy!!!! You SAID it!!! You DID!!!"
But Brandon's all, "You know what? This was a mistake. I thought you wanted to be friends! But I was wrong. Fine. We're done, Billy. For good. I really mean it this time. Why don't you write THAT in your little book!"
rach in mo picket reach in my pocket, and I pole pull out my diary, and I open it. And I say, "You wanna know what's in here? Huh? You wanna see what I wrote in here? It's pages and pages and PAGES about how much I love you! And how much I'm hurting over you! You wanna see it? Huh? You wanna see? Here! Look! Look at it! Read it all! I don't care anymore!" I stepped up to him, and I was pushing the book at him and he was pushing it away with both hands, saying he didn't want to read it. I'm like, "No, REALLY! Look at it! It's all in there! Every day of my life, I think about you! All I think about is you! All I TALK about is you! Look! Look right here...look...'I do too'! You remember that? The first time you said you loved me, you said 'I do too'. I remember! And look right here, this is the first time we ever had sex. And here...this is when we first went to the park to have lunch! You remember? You remember how awesome that was???" And I started crying a little bit, because my emotions were just...I dunno...they were going haywire! And Brandon wasn't looking and he wasn't listening, and finally he pushed the book out of my hands. So when I had both hands free...I paused for a second, and then I grabbed both of his cheeks and I kissed him full on the mouth. It had been soooo long since my lips touched his. So long since I had felt the warmth of my baby's embrace. But something was different. Something was....wrong.
Brandon pushed me away. He....he just...looked disgusted. And he's like, "Ugh! Billy...you're drunk."
And I'm like, "I'm
net flickin drank not fucking drunk!" But when I tried to kiss him again he almost pushed me down. Then he just shook his head, and he looked all teary eyed at me.
He says, "Why, Billy? Why did you do this? What HAPPENED to you?"
And I was crazy angry at him at this point, so I said, "Why don't you take your little bitch downstairs, and get the fuck out of my party! Go home! Go fuck your tight little sissy asshole where I don't have to fucking LOOK at it all the time! And for a second, I thought that Brandon was actually gonna like...JUMP on me or something. I was...I was sooooo dizzy. I don't know, maybe something inside of me knew that I was screwing everything up...but...I couldn't stop myself. Words were flying out of my mouth faster than I could stop them. I never...
flet felt like this before. Maybe I am drunk. But...but HE was...HE was...it was all HIS fault for making me think we were gonna...fucking be...whatever!!!! You know??? I didn't do ANYTHING wrong! HE did it! I'm not gonna have him turn around and flip it on me like I'm the big bad villain in all of this! No way! I just...
...I need to lay down for a minute or two. Just for...a little while so I can...
Fuck it, I'll finish this in a little bit...
Wait...whaaaat? Something is...
It's dark in here. I'm writing this by the light of the streetlamp outside, coming in through the window. I think this is Randall's bedroom. I can't tell. How long have I been passed out? I think there's still some people partying downstairs, but I it's not nearly as big a party as it was when I first came up here. There aren't any clocks in here. Ugh...my head hurts.
Someone...I don't know WHO, but someone...just put me to bed in here. Like, they took my shoes off and just covered me up and all. But I don't know what...happened? Because, somewhere in my dizzy state...I kinda...'kissed' them! I mean...I really...like REALLY kissed them. It was dark, and they had just laid me down in the bed and covered me up. But I just...I guess I was thinking of Brandon, and I reached up put my hands on the back of somebody's neck, and started pulling them down towards me. They hesitated at first...like they didn't want to. But once they got close enough...ou lips touched. And they tried to pull back a little bit but...then they got into it. And I just...I remember that our tongues started twisting around each other, and then we were breathing heavy, and he reached down to feel me up. I was soooo hard. And I was kissing him soooo desperately. But when I touched his hardness through his pants, he sorta...stopped. And I was still dizzy, and he just kinda...'adjusted' himself and laid my head back down on the pillow.
I was like, "Don't go. Come here. Please? Come here?"
But he just whispered, "Shhhhhh...sleep."
And then he left the room and shut the door. The whole room felt like it was spinning, but I couldn't tell if that was from the alcohol or the kiss. My GOD...what a kiss!
Who the hell WAS that? Did Randall put me in his bed? Is that who I just made out with for the last five minutes? Was it Bobby? Could it have been Sam? He DID hesitate to kiss me, after all. Or did Brandon come back to take care of me, even though we were fighting? Omigod...what if Jamie fucking Cross just kissed me and I MISSED it?????
Ugh...I just wanna pass back out, and sleep. My mind is racing right now. But I had to get up and make sure that I got this book and kept it safe and hidden. I'm SO confused!
What if it was Jimmy? Ewww, what if it was AJ? Omigod, what if it was Lee?
Sooooo tired. Sooo tired.
I think I'm gonna...
I'm gonna just....
And SUPER thanks to Sahjak for "Billy's Gift Table"!!! Check it out! All of you guys, thank you!!! :)