- You know, I would have thought that after making so many mistakes that I couldn't take back once they were made...I would have learned to keep out of trouble by now. Or at least THIS amount of trouble! But I guess I can just strike up another big 'loss' for Billy Chase in this book today...and just try to deal with it as best as I can. I should have known that life was going to start rolling downhill again. BOY, was I ever caught off guard.
So I managed to avoid my mom all last night. She kept coming in to give me water and kept forcing me to eat something so that I could have something in my stomach. But for the most part, I just kept up the 'sick child' routine until she went to sleep. I knew it was a temporary solution, and that I wouldn't be able to avoid punishment forever...but I don't think I was prepared for what happened this morning when she forced me to come out and eat breakfast.
She sat down across the table from me, and I was almost worried that she had poisoned my pancakes or something! (Can you even poison pancakes?) As mad as she was yesterday, that wasn't too farfetched of an idea. The first thing she said to me was, "As soon as that bell rings after school...I want you to come straight home." Which I kinda figured. Being grounded was definitely going to be unavoidable at this point. Not that I'd be going much of anywhere anyway after embarrassing myself in front of everybody I knew at the party. But THEN....she's like, "...And I want you to grab some clothes, and pack your bags. Have them ready by the time I come home from work."
Pack my BAGS??? What the hell??? A nervous jitter ran through me and settled in the pit of my stomach. I said, "You're...you're kicking me out?"
But she's like, "You're going to live with your father for a little while. He's already set up a spot for you in the basement on the fold out couch. I'll drop you off when I get home and finish making dinner."
I'm going to WHAT???????? Live with WHO???
I nearly PANICKED when she said that, and I was trembling so bad that I could hardly speak. "Wait...WAIT...WHY???" I asked as innocently as possible.
She shook her head. "You really don't want to ask me any questions right now, Billy. You really don't. This is becoming a serious problem with you, and your father has offered to straighten you out once and for all. I, for once, agree. This can't go on. It just can't." She said. "When you get home pack your clothes, toothbrush, socks, underwear, whatever it is you think you need...and you're going to stay at your father's place until you learn how to control yourself. End of discussion."
I pleaded with her to NOT make me go live with him! I don't know anything about living with him! Not anymore! He LEFT us! And he's got his WHORE over there! And I don't wanna go live with him across town when all of my friends are here in the neighborhood with me. I'm like, "Mom...PLEASE don't kick me out of the house! I'll be GOOD! It was just a stupid party. I'll NEVER do it again, I PROMISE!"
But she put up a finger to shut me up. She said, "Ok, number one...you LIED to me about where you were going. Number two, you LIED to me about what you were doing and so did your friends. Number three...you were drinking...no let me correct myself here...you were UNDERAGE drinking! Which could get you in MORE trouble than you can even imagine! What do you want me to do? I feel manipulated and betrayed, Billy. I really do." She glared at me, and took a deep breath. Almost as if she was holding back her temper. She said, "You remember what I told you the last time you pulled this garbage? Do you? The NEXT time it happens, we're gonna have problems, you and me. And here you are doing it again. So guess what? We're going to fix this right here and now. Because the NEXT step for you is jail, the hospital, or worse."
I said, "Mom....c'mon. It's not THAT serious..."
But she just told me, "It never is when you start out, Billy. And that's exactly what you're doing right now. You're 'starting out'...and you're screwing up royally. This is NOT a game that you can afford to play with your life. I'm not going to let you do it. So until you know how to behave and handle yourself with some level of common sense...I'm giving you to your father to deal with. And believe me...he has QUITE a few plans for you, boy. Quite a few."
I'm like, "This isn't FAIR!"
She's all, "This isn't fair? I'll tell you what isn't fair...I do everything that I can to make sure that you're fed, that you get back and forth to school, that you have clean clothes, a roof over your head, someone to come to when you have a problem. And you turn right around and lie to my face? Is that fair? You lie, you have parties in the house while I'm away, you fight in school, and now you're drinking? On a SCHOOL night? What's fair? You need a few adjustments, buddy. And it's my job and you father's job to make sure you get them before you get into a batch of troubles that you can't handle. So do as I say, come home, pack your things, and be ready to go once you're finished eating dinner."
And that was just...'that'. I didn't have anything that I could say to defend myself. NOTHING! Why is she doing this? It's not like I KILLED somebody! So I drank some beer, so what? I'm not the first teenager in the world to ever have a few beers and get sick. I'm not gonna turn into some kind of raging alcoholic or anything! It was ONE party! *MY* party, to be accurate! I don't deserve to be kicked out of the freakin' HOUSE for it!!!
So yeah...my mom is cooking dinner right now, and I....I had to pack my clothes and stuff. She had my suitcase waiting for me on my bed already when I got home from school. I mean...come on! A SUITCASE??? How long is she sending me away for? I don't even know if I LIKE my dad enough right now to spend time with him at his shitty little apartment with his flusie girlfriend! My dad can't even cook! I'm gonna STARVE! I know it!
Going to school today was no big celebration either. I mean...a lot of familiar faces told me what an awesome party it was, and that they had a great time...and that's, you know...'wonderful', I guess. But...the people I really love and care about? The ones who mean the most to me...I felt so distant from them today. So alone. In all my life, I don't think I've ever felt so alone.
Joanna was basically a ghost in the halls today. Never even caught a glimpse of her. I heard from somebody else that her and Sam got into a big argument and she stormed out of the party early. And Sam went right back to drinking. I kinda asked him about it...but naturally, he didn't want to talk about it. In fact, he barely even wanted to eat lunch with me today. I honestly think he was looking for an excuse to get away from me the whole time. I mean...he sat there for MY benefit and ate his sandwich on the other side of the table, but I don't think I've ever seen him so...'squeamish' around me before.
I thought back to the other night, and I barely remember what I said to him, but if what I wrote in this book is true...I think I may have crossed a line with Sam that I was never meant to cross. I openly 'came on' to my best friend in the world. And now he's looking for reasons to not...be around me anymore. I dunno, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe he's just messed up in the head with the Joanna situation and he wants to be alone. But...I can't shake the feeling that something changed between us the second I put my hand on his leg in an 'intimate' way. Maybe even...forever.
And that was the one thing I feared all along....about having him 'know' me this way.
Jamie Cross made sure to come up and ask me if I was ok, and so did Simon. They were both so worried. I saw Jimmy from a distance in the halls, and I think he made eye contact for a brief moment, but he pretended not to notice me at all. Everyone just seemed to be on the other side of this secretive barricade today, with me standing on the other side all by myself. I should have taken comfort in the isolation, considering the humiliation I felt. I don't remember half of what I did or said to the people around me. I don't even know which one of these boys I ended up making OUT with at the end of the night! For all I know, it could have been a total stranger...and he's whispering to everybody how Billy Chase is a 'homo'. It's just....sighhhh...it's another one of those things I wish I could take back.
One of many...
Brandon walked past me only once today during break period.
And the boy that I once loved with every last fiber of my being...looked right through me as if I wasn't even there.
As if...I was NEVER a part of his life at all.
But not Stevie. When Stevie passed...he looked me right in the eye, and he practically had this little hidden smirk on his face. He won. He totally won. No question about that anymore. Maybe he deserved to. I didn't stand a chance of making things right with Brandon anyway.
My heart beat its last joyful beat when that happened. Now...it doesn't beat for anything more than my survival. And who needs that? What good is my survival, other than for prolonging the torture and pain of knowing that I ruined my life?
My mom's calling for dinner. She wants me to put my suitcase and stuff by the front door. I guess she's serious.
Looks like I'm going to go be with my dad for a while. I asked my mom how long I was gonna have to stay...and she said that depended on me. Which is hardly an answer worth hearing.
I'm scared to take this book with me. I'm terrified that my dad will find it, and my secret will be exposed. But it's either that...or leave it here with my mom. And I REALLY don't want her going through my room while I'm gone and finding it either. The bad thing about creating an outlet for your deepest secrets...once it's out there and on paper...it's harder to get rid of. You can't just pretend it doesn't exist. And you can't ever be 100% sure that someone else isn't going to stumble upon it and find you out. You just kinda...'guard' it as best you can. And hope for a day when it won't matter anymore.
She's calling me again. Gotta go. I guess...I'll write more whenever I get a chance. 'IF' I get a chance. Although I doubt I'll have much to write about.
Other than being alone.