- This 6 AM bullshit has GOT to stop! Seriously!
You wanna know what happened this morning? I was having a dream about Jamie Cross! A fucking DREAM dream, you know? I was dreaming that he was the one who kissed me on Monday night. That he leaned over me, and helped me to lie down...and when I pulled his head down, and our lips met...it was like the love in my heart just snatched my breath away! But this time, in my dream, Jamie was naked!
TOTALLY fucking NAKED! Do you have any IDEA what a dream about seeing Jamie Cross NAKED can do to a teenage boy??? Just...blond, and pretty, and SEXY as HELL...and *NAKED*! Ugh! I'm, like, whimpering right NOW, just thinking about it!
So anyway, he's kissing me,right? And I'm holding onto his hardness...and I totally LOVE having his tongue in my mouth, but I'm trying to break the kiss so I can wrap my lips around that sweet and luscious boner of his! And the second we stop and I'm moving closer to sliding that warm, hard, shaft in my mouth and sucking the 'sexiness' right off of him...my fucking DAD bursts in the room to wake me up again!!!! What the FUCK?!?!?!?!
I even set my alarm for 6 AM to obey his rules, but when I looked over my clock, it's only 5:57 AM!!! AHHHH!!!!! And he's telling me to get up, but if he could have just waited THREE MORE FUCKING MINUTES, I would have gotten up by MYSELF!!! Three minutes of sucking off Jamie Cross would have been more than enough to get me off!!! ARRRGHHHH!!!!
Sighhh...so...he like, left. And I had a few minutes to jerk off, trying to 'finish' the dream in my mind...but it just wasn't as good, you know? Plus I was all tired and mad now. So I lost the feeling. My dad's being such an ASSHOLE to me right now! I'm trying to deal with it and not cause any trouble, but he's KILLING me here! The whole 'wash the dishes' and 'do your homework' and 'no TV' bullshit is already getting old. And it's only day two. I wanna go HOME! I *HATE* being here!
Not to mention that I don't like this other 'lady' at all. And she knows I don't like her! I haven't spoken a word to her since I've been here, and she's just keeping to herself. Good. Because if she says anything to me, I swear to God, I'm gonna lay into her HEAVY for breaking up my family in the first place.
My dad's 'checking' my homework right now. Why, I'll never know. But I suppose it's a part of this prison warden game he's playing with me right now. So he's welcome to have at it. I told him about the giant iron bar in the middle of the bed...and you know how he fixed it? He got a thick blanket out of the closet, folded it twice, and laid it across the part where the bar was. WHAT? Gee, thanks Dad! Now instead of thick iron pipe in my back, I've got a big fluffy lump to sleep on...with an iron bar underneath it. Did he NOT read me the 'Princess and the Pea' when I was little? Yeah, Dad...bar's still there! And it still hurts! He's such a doofus sometimes!
Anyway, so I saw Bobby today in gym, and he could hardly look me in the eye. I know he ditched yesterday on purpose, which didn't really strike me as super odd or anything. I didn't even think it had anything to DO with me until I saw him today. He kept looking around the room, or down at his shoes, and he was kinda mumbling a little bit. I remember that behavior. I know when Bobby is, like...hurting, you know? It's like he was purposely avoiding my eyes, and I started to wonder if I maybe said or did something at the party to hurt his feelings. Looking back in the pages that I wrote, I didn't mention any weird run ins with Bobby. But then again, I remember soooo little. Hell, I can't even really be sure that what I wrote in this book was the TRUTH! How do alcoholics LIVE like this everyday?
Bobby was like, "I'm glad you're alright. I didn't get a chance to give you your present, so...you know..." He trailed off for a second or two. Then he said, "...Well, if you wanna come over some time and get it...it would be cool. I just...you know." He was being so weird. And he looked so heartbroken. WHY?
I didn't even know if I should be talking to him right now. Without me remembering what I did, he could really have a reason to HATE me right now. So I just said, "I'm...kinda on punishment right now. But I'll see if I can hang out some time soon. K?" And Bobby sorta smiled a little bit, but he didn't really mean it. At least, I don't think he did.
My mind has been running through that little interaction all day. I tried to remember the way Bobby Jinette would kiss me when we were 'together'. I mean...it seemed similar. If anybody had an intimate enough feeling for me to kiss like that...it would certainly be Bobby Jinette. I know he feels bad about everything that happened, and I know that he doesn't WANT to love me if it's only gonna end in heartbreak again. But...when I think about it...
...Did Bobby ever stop loving me in the first place?
Sometimes I can see him literally stressing himself out to hold back from feeling anything for me. But...in a dark room, with me feeling all frisky like I was...if I had pulled him in for a kiss, I KNOW he wouldn't have been able to fight it. No matter how hard he tried. Which moves him back up to the top of my 'suspect list'.
Another addition today? Jimmy LaPlane. Who seemed to be giving me daggers today in the hallway. What the hell was HIS problem? You know? I said hello, and he walked right past me like I had no business talking to him at all. And THAT made me wonder...what if I kissed Jimmy? Our FIRST kiss happened so fast and it was so awkward that I hardly remember how it was. But...what if I kissed him and led him on again, and now he's mad at me. Then again...what if I made out with AJ??? Omigod! What if I kissed Jimmy's boyfriend, and he's pissed at me??? No...noooooo.....why the fuck would I kiss AJ!!! I don't want AJ!!! He makes me SICK!
Oh GOD...how drunk WAS I?
I'm thinking that would be just about the worst nightmare ever! It almost made me wanna spit on the floor to think of tongue kissing AJ again. As cute as he is...he's too much of an asshole to ever mean anything to me ever again.
Anyway, still trying to piece things together. I'm putting my suspect list together as fast as I can, and even though I haven't talked to him since the party...and it's probably SOOOOO not gonna happen...I kinda wanna add Jamie Cross' name to the list too. I mean, like...what if??? You know? I would have locked that door and FORCED Jamie to 'do me' right there in a strange bed until we had no cum left between us! But...yeah, that might just be a fantasy. Whatever. I can dream, right?
Oh yeah...I already did. Hehehe!
I got a very short email from Lee tonight. Hehehe, which means that he's under a ton of punishment himself. I can always tell when he's rushing to toss a message out into the ether and hope that somebody finds it. Hehehe, and like everything else he does, it was adorable!
Lee wrote: "I'm sorry, Billy. I can't stay long! But despite all of the trouble and everything...you had the most wicked party EVER! So it was totally worth it! Hehehe! We'll do it again soon!" But then...he also wrote, "I know that things might be kinda hazy for you from that night...but do you think that...when I'm off punishment...and you're off punishment...we can maybe just...'hang out' or something? I miss you. And I just...hehehe...yeah, we need to talk more. And soon."
I think I stared at that computer screen for a full five minutes, reading it over and over again, until I was almost blind from it! And that kept my brain locked into the idea of me and Lee finally crossing that little flirtatious line that we've been dancing on for oh so long. I DO remember Jimmy telling me how immaculate Lee was as a kisser, and how soft and gentle he was with it. And it WAS his idea for the party in the first place. Would he be responsible for looking after me all night? Does that mean he would be the one to put me to bed? It would have to be either him or Randall, right? It WAS Randall's house...oh wow...what if it was Randall? What if...?
Ok, this is all making my head hurt now. I'm gonna stop before I end up with a migraine headache. Besides...I have to get up early and mow the stupid lawn tomorrow. Grrrr...
Some days, I just hate EVERYTHING!
I was gonna send Lee a message back, but I'll wait until tomorrow. I wanna make sure I know exactly what I'm saying to him before I say it. I don't wanna jump to any conclusions just yet...but if I can get a chance to suck and lick the cutest penis in the WORLD by the end of next week...AHHH!!!! My life will be MAGIC! Hehehe! :)
Ok, I'm gonna go. When I'm quiet for too long, my dad comes and tries to give me 'something to do'! How STUPID is that?
-Billy (His Father's Unwilling Prisoner)