- I am soooooo tired right now! And it's only like 9 o'clock at night! Maybe if my stupid dad didn't get me up at like fucking 7 AM to mow the stupid fucking LAWN this morning....I'd have some energy!!! Why the hell would someone have to mow the lawn that early in the morning on a weekend??? HUH??? What's the purpose? Couldn't I just mow the lawn at 3 in the afternoon and get the same 'shorter grass' effect? Or am *I* the one that's FUCKED in the head here???
I hate it here. I really do. I don't wanna call home to my mom...because she DID just kinda 'leave' me here. And because I don't wanna be a TOTAL wuss. But....sighhh...I miss being at home. I missed Sam like CRAZY today! I don't know why, I just did! There's something about missing your best friend in the whole world that just makes you sorta 'ache' all over. Especially when he seems so very very far away. He might as well be on the moon.
The strange thing is...I kinda expected to be on actual 'punishment'. Like...grounded, and no leaving the house on the weekends and all that. But my dad was surprisingly lenient today. You know...not counting the stupid lawn mowing thing. I had to finish my homework right away, but after that, he gave me free reign of the house. It almost seemed like a TRICK of some sort. But no...he didn't say a word. Strange.
I'm gonna have to figure out what his angle is before I proceed any further. Maybe I can find a way out of this hell before I lose my mind.
I got to talk to both Lee and Bobby on the phone today. Not at the same time, of course. But I got to instant message them for a while. It was refreshing to talk to someone I knew. This whole neighborhood is strange and twisted to me. I don't know anybody here.
I talked to Bobby first. And he sounded kinda down. I could just tell from the sound of his voice and his words alone. And after some harsh badgering and a LOT of emotional pushing...he finally told me what was on his mind.
He's like, "Billy...I kinda...saw what happened at the party. I mean...between you and Brandon."
My ears perked up instantly, and I was like, "You SAW????" What does he mean he SAW? Was this a public thing? Does everybody know???
Then he goes, "Well...not SAW really, but I know what happened. I mean, it was pretty obvious to anyone who knows the history behind you two." He took a deep breath, and then he asked, "So...it's officially 'over' now between you two?"
You know...even though we've been broken up for over two months now...even though he had cuddled up with Stevie and basically told me that there was no chance of us patching things up between us again...even though we had finally had the biggest fight ever over this...bigger than we've ever had before...it still hurt my heart to hear Bobby say it. It hurt me even more to think that I'd now have to give him an answer.
I said, "Yeah......I guess it is." Which seemed to draw all of the energy out of me at once. It reminded me just how unbelievably 'broken' my heart was. Ugh!
Bobby said, "He seemed pretty hurt. I think he was crying a little bit."
I was like, "Yeah...well that made two of us." Then I asked him, "Did he say anything? To you, I mean?"
Bobby paused for a second, and he said, "No. He just got Stevie and they left...you know...'together'." Arrrgh!!! Like THAT was making things any better! Damn you, Bobby! Then he goes, "You know...if you wanna come over and just talk or something...? I mean, you don't have to, but..." He couldn't seem to get his nervous thoughts together. Then he asked, "Billy....no matter what he thinks...I still think you're amazing. You know that, right?"
Which felt 'weird' and completely out of left field. So I just kinda said, "Um, sure. I know, Bobby."
And he says, "Because I really do. He was lucky to have your heart, and he threw it away for something that wasn't even half as beautiful as your affection was. I just...I thought that you needed to know that. If you loved me like that..." He stopped, and then he added, "...I just know that I wouldn't have let it go for anything. Or anybody. You'll be happy again with someone else real soon. I promise you will. K?"
He 'promises'? What does that mean? I have to admit that it was an awkward moment, and I could practically feel Bobby straining to get himself back on track and 'fix' the strange tension that was rapidly building up between us. All I could say was, "Um...thanks, Bobby. I mean, that's sweet of you." I found myself suddenly walking a tightrope that I haven't had to walk since Bobby and I first put our little sexual 'fling' behind us. It made me wonder if he was seeing this as an 'opening' of sorts. I mean...he was playing nice as long as getting Brandon back was a possibility. But now that the chance of that happening is gone, what's to stop Bobby for trying to come back after me full force? Hell, for all I know, he might have set this whole thing up from the very beginning. Come to think of it...he WAS the one who told me to invite Brandon to the party in the first place. And he neglected to tell me that him and Stevie had gotten back together again. I mean, I'm SURE he had to have seen them together again somewhere between the time they had that fight in the library and my party. Why didn't he tell me? Maybe he wanted that fight to happen. Maybe Bobby's got a few tricks left up his devious sleeves.
I'd love to say that he was too sweet to do that, but I can't. We're talking about a boy who was willing to blackmail me into having sex with him, and then 'told' once he got his feelings hurt. I don't know WHAT he would be capable of when it came to getting me back in his bed. Sighhhh....
Then Lee....he's being....he's just...
God, do you know what he SAID to me today? He says, "Yeah, I'm on punishment for a little while. But honestly, the only person I'm really missing right now is you. So...talking to you helps me smile a bit." WHY??? Why can't Lee just....arrrrrghhhh....either fuck me HARD or just let me go? Sometimes he's so cute I can't STAND it! I think I honestly need to just 'tell him' that I want him! I seriously can't take this anymore! The whole time we're talking on the phone...he's being EXTRA affectionate and cool and silly...and I'm so rock hard in my pants that I can't even find a comfortable position to SIT in on the floor! I tried laying on my stomach so I could press it into the carpet or something...but that only made it HURT! And now I was aching for him so bad that I literally started to jack off before I could even hang up the phone. It was HORRIBLE!
Nobody has as much of a chaotic affect on my hormones as Lee does when he's being all cute and bashful.
You know what else he says to me? He asked me how Jimmy LaPlane was doing, and Jimmy's pissed at me, but Lee already seemed a bit nervous about something. So I'm just like, "Well...you know Jimmy. He has his mood swings and stuff, so...." I didn't go into detail, but Lee's like...
"Hehehe, yeah, I remember. Still, I miss him sometimes, you know?" And I wasn't sure how to really....'respond' to that. So he's just like, "We had a lot of fun together on Friday's. It was so cool. I was kinda getting used to the weekly habit, you know?"
All I could say was, "Uh huh..." Don't know what that was supposed to mean, but there was another short silence on the phone.
Then Lee's like, "It was just cool, that's all. It would be awesome...you know...if I had somebody to come over on Friday nights again. Just...to cuddle up and watch movies and stuff."
I think my lungs collapsed when he said that, because it became very very difficult to breathe at that moment. I said, "You....you uhhh...cuddle, what?"
Then he was really quick to say, "I'm not saying YOU...I'm just saying..." Then he stopped, and he gave me the cutest giggle EVER, and he's like, "...Ok, I'm saying YOU! Hehehe! C'mon, I'll be off of punishment on Thursday, and my mom will be gone all night...why don't you come over?" Ok, that made my 'ache' a hundred times worse. "It'll be fun, Billy. I miss you. I wanna talk to you some more about stuff."
"About WHAT stuff???" I asked, hoping I didn't sound angry, or surprised, or scared, or just....confused. Ugh! What was I doing??? Lee wants me to come over! Just say YES!
He said, "It's nothing, like...major. I just...you and me don't talk enough. I feel like there's so much to know about you, and I hardly know anything. Well, I mean, I know SOME...but..."
"YES!!!" I said out loud, gasping for air.
He's like, "Hehehe, yes what?"
And I said, "I wanna....come over to your house on Friday. To...cuddle and watch movies....and 'talk'....and stuff..." I was trembling inside. My hands could hardly hold onto the phone. But when I heard Lee's charming smile come shining through in his next few words...I felt this really tingly warm 'glow' spread out all through my chest.
Lee said, "Excellent. I can't wait. It'll be good to...um...see you again. You know?"
This was it! I was SURE that this was fucking IT! And I asked him, "Um...Lee? Did you...I mean, did you put me to bed? At my party on Monday?"
I was hoping for a yes or no answer, and having it set my mixed up heart free once and for all. But instead, the son of a bitch said, "Why?"
WHY??? What the....???? What the fuck does he MEAN why??? I'm like, "Just...did you?"
And again, he asked, "Why? Did something happen?" I was listening carefully to see if I could hear if he was smiling or not. Was this another one of his cute little games? I was SO not in the mood for a cute little Lee game at that moment!!! My dad had come home from the store, and he started milling around in the same room not far from me, so I lowered my voice. I tried to keep my words as 'non-descriptive' as I could, but I needed to find out SOMETHING before Lee hung up! I'm like, "C'mon, Lee! Really. Did you...?" I was gonna ask if he kissed me, but I didn't want it to come out like that. Especially if he's not the one. And CERTAINLY not with my dad in the room. So I said, "Look, we'll talk about it on Friday, ok? But you HAVE to tell me the truth! I won't...it won't matter either way. You know...if you did. OR...or if you didn't!"
He seemed to giggle a little bit, and he says, "Yeah, you'll definitely have to fill me in on what you're talking about, dude. Hehehe, but we'll have plenty of time to ourselves. K? Whatever it is...it sounds sexy! Do you have a sexy secret to tell me, Billy?" You SEE???? I'm not making this up in my head! I would have yanked the truth out of him right there on the phone if my dad wasn't lurking around and probably eavesdropping on every word I said!
So...I may...or may NOT...be going over to Lee's house for some really hot, really soft, really LIFE ALTERING, sex with one of the cutest boy's EVER this coming weekend! He sounded soooo...ugh....so HOT when he was asking me why! Is he playing a joke on me? He's gotta be just kidding around. But...I'd be his 'Jimmy LaPlane' if he let me! Omigod, I'd suck him sooooooooo hard! Jesus! I already jacked off FOUR times about this, and I'm still hard! I think I'm gonna end this here and just...'think' about him some more. Because I just can't...I can't...wow...if I get to have sex with Lee, I'll be addicted to his body for WEEKS! I'd go over every day! I'd ditch school! I'd...I'd do him right there on the floor of the jelly bean factory! Sighhh...
As much as I miss Brandon (And I really REALLY do!), my body is CRYING out for some sexy attention from a really cute boy right now. And just thinking about being naked with Lee...having him kiss and hold me...it's like...KILLING me! It's a temporary fix, sure...but look at how well it's working out for Jimmy. I mean, maybe I'll get to feel good for a little while too.
I need to 'clean my pipes' before they burst all on their own. Let's hope my dad's gotten a little bit better at 'knocking' on my door than he was before. Because I need to kick off my boxers and get totally naked for THIS particular joyride! Later.