That's what has been on my mind for most of the day, despite a valiant effort to keep myself from getting too excited about it all. If I had to actually count the number of times that last phone conversation went through my mind in the last 24 hours alone...I'd probably want to check myself into a mental institution! Or at LEAST a 'Lee Rehab Center'...which I'm sure is full of people who were foolish enough to think that he was as infatuated with them as they were with him.
I keep trying to tell myself that it doesn't make sense. And I mean...if Lee was the one who had kissed me at my birthday party, he would have SAID something long before now, wouldn't he? I mean Lee wouldn't really 'hide' it, would he? He knows that I know about him and Jimmy. And the guy who kissed me DID hesitate before giving in to....sighhh...one of the most heartfelt and passionate kisses of my whole entire LIFE! And when I think back to Jimmy telling me about how Lee kisses...it was EXACTLY like that! I mean...it's GOTTA be him! And yet....
I don't know. Something is still missing. I mean, Lee had a million opportunities to kiss me before that party. And he's never had trouble throwing an arm over my shoulder in public, undressing in front of me, or cuddling with another boy on the couch. Why get all 'cloak and dagger' with his affections now? Maybe I'm thinking too much. I need to just...relax. And keep my super horny 'joy-joy' feelings to myself for now! At least until I know for sure.
Still....can't get it out of my mind though! Lee is like...TROPHY material in terms of sexual experiences! I don't even know if I could HANDLE an event that...BIG! You know? I'd melt the second he kissed me on the lips! Lee is about as close to Jamie Cross as you can get in terms of boy perfection, without actually BEING Jamie Cross! And Jamie is...like...a GOD to me!
Ugh! I'm so doomed if it was Lee! I'm gonna make a fool of myself, I just know I am. He's too awesome to be my boyfriend. I'd be traumatically insecure every day of my life if I had to have him by my side. Worrying every 15 seconds whether or not he was looking at someone else. Wondering when he was gonna leave me for somebody better. That would KILL me!
Anyway, I didn't want to write him today, because I was afraid of what he might think. Well...to be TOTALLY honest...I was kind of afraid of what I might SAY more than what he would think of it. Normally, Sunday's seemed kinda depressing because I had to go back to school the next day...and the weekend seemed soooooo far away. But right now?
Friday doesn't seem far enough away for me to prepare myself! God...I'm so lame!
I kinda talked to Sam for a bit today. Again, I was extremely surprised that my dad was being so lenient with my actual punishment. But then again, being away from my mom kinda IS the punishment, in a sense. I mean...well...
Sighhhh...before I get into Sam and all...I have something to confess.
Being apart for as long as they have been, and kinda finding some balance in my life again, going back and forth and choosing sides...
If I had to choose, right here and now, who I'd rather live with...I'd choose my mom. And NOT just because of the house and the neighborhood and stuff....I just...I prefer living with her than I do living...here.
Does that make me an awful person? I mean seriously...to choose one parent over the other seems kinda like...an 'asshole' thing to do. And I LOVE my dad! I SWEAR I do! Just....slightly...'less'.
Ugh! I feel like such a DICK for saying that! Let me move on before I make it any worse!
So, like I said, I talked to Sam today. First on the phone, and then we made plans to get together. We didn't know what we were gonna do or where we were gonna go, but...we just ended up at the Hill like we always do when we have stuff on our minds anyway. So what's the point of making plans, right?
It started out the way I expected it to. With his first words being, "I really wish I didn't miss Joey this much, but I do. It still hurts, you know?"
I'm like, "I know. I'm sorry dude. I know you really wanted things to work out with her."
Then he says, "We kinda got into an argument at your party. It was so...stupid, you know? But she said..." He stopped for a second and I think I saw him blush. "Joey said that the only reason she came to the party was because you begged her."
Yikes! She's not supposed to SAY that!!! I mean, what the fuck??? I thought girls were supposed to be good at these things! Big SNITCH! I said, "Dude...I....I just wanted..."
And he stopped me, like, "No...Billy, it's cool. Honestly. I think that's like...the most kick ass thing you've ever done for me. I mean it." And the next thing I knew, he was, like...HUGGING me around the neck! Like...he just felt and smelled soooo good! This is my best friend who I've been...LUSTING after ever since my first hormone popped into existence! And he's being all cute and affectionate? That's like a heart attack and a HALF for me! I kinda tried hugging him back, but he felt soooo good in my arms, so familiar, so special...that I had to let go. It was almost too much, you know? Hard to explain.
Anyway, he went on about how much he wanted to get back with his girlfriend, and I tried to just listen and absorb it all. But...there was something inside of me that suddenly felt really BAD for trying to take advantage of his heartbreak the way I did. I shouldn't have. I should have been a FRIEND. And instead, I tried feeling him up while I thought he was vulnerable. No WONDER he rejected me. That and the fact that he's....hopelessly straight.
It started out as one of the most normal afternoons that Sam and I had together in about a 2 weeks. But it still wasn't as normal as it was before. Something was missing. And even though both of us were enjoying the other's company today...it reached a point where I almost couldn't take it anymore. I mean...Sam is my best friend in the whole world. He's the ONLY best friend that I've got! If I can't be fully connected to him and talk to him about what I'm feeling...then I really AM alone.
So, at one point, I just stopped holding my thoughts back and said, "Sam...can we talk about what happened at my party? Please?"
I swear, Sam turned completely WHITE in front of me when I said that. And he stuttered for a bit, before saying, "Billy...let's not even...go into that. Ok? I know that you were drinking, and things were weird, and I was fighting with Joey...it was just something that happened."
And I tried to tell him, "It's NOT just something that happened, Sam. I mean...I just don't want this...weirdness to come between us, ok? I mean, I really CARE about you..."
But he like....CRINGED! My best friend on Earth...actually CRINGED from hearing how I felt about him. And he said, "Billy, STOP, ok? We don't have to...this isn't something I even wanna TALK about, ok?"
I said, "Sam, I didn't mean to do what I did. K? Honestly. Just...don't feel 'uncomfortable' around me? Please?" I was practically BEGGING at this point! I didn't even mean to come on to him at the party, I just...I was noticing how cute he was and how close we've always been, and....he's really AMAZING, you know? I KNOW that he's not into boys, but...if only he was. JUST for a little while, like Lee! He'd be the perfect match for me. I'm talking PERFECT here! I just...I wanted a love that was complete, you know? I miss that soooo much!
Sam was like, "The only thing making me 'uncomfortable' is you wanting to talk about it all the time. THAT'S what's making me uncomfortable." He wouldn't even look me in the eye. And to be totally honest, I think I saw him actually leaning further AWAY from me. Everything I said just made him squirm even more, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just let me APOLOGIZE already. Then he's like, "Can we stop now? Are you happy? I thought you said you didn't think about me that way."
I said, "I DON'T! Ok?" Yeah, it was a lie. Not totally, but...kinda. Still, that seemed to hurt his feelings TOO! I mean what was I doing WRONG here??? I'm like, "Sam, what do I say? I totally don't know what you wanna hear right now."
And he's all, "I don't wanna hear ANYTHING! Didn't I just say that? Just...stop talking about the party already. It was...'weird', and I'd rather put it behind me. Behind both of us, ok? If you just forget it, then I'll forget it."
But I honestly didn't WANT to forget it. Why was he being like this? All I could say was, "I'm sorry..."
And Sam was quick to jump in with, "Well, you don't have to be SORRY. It's cool. Just...I don't wanna talk about it. I'm talking about getting my girlfriend back, and you're....you're going all nutballz over...that 'thing' at your party. I just don't wanna think about it. K?"
And I had to give up. I mean...Sam is TWICE as stubborn as I am. Trying to push harder against his defenses was only going to make them stronger. I just said, "Sighhhh...fine." And that was that. It's not my fault he's cute and crazy and knows me inside and out. I mean...he's like the other half of me. How am I not supposed to notice how cute he is when I'm vulnerable like that? Or...even when I'm not?
Is it even possible that fate could create two soul mates, destined to be together, and accidentally make them the wrong sex? Or give them the wrong attraction? Or any one of a dozen other inconsistent tragedies? Because if my soul mate isn't Brandon, and it isn't Sam...then I don't know WHO it could be!
Hell...for all I know, it could be Jimmy LaPlane! It sounds like the kind of cruel joke that God would play on me.
Oh God...that looks bad. I'm NOT saying that there's anything wrong with Jimmy! He's cute! REALLY cute! He's just not for me. I feel it in my bones. Not that I wouldn't mind a little roll in the hay with him....it's not what I want. And Jimmy gets...you know...'attached'. So toying with his emotions is NOT something that I want to do.
Which reminds me, I should totally put a dead bird in AJ's mailbox or something. You know...as a warning. Just my luck, he won't get the hint.
Anyway, I kept apologizing, and Sam kept trying to avoid the conversation altogether. I mean...it REALLY made him uncomfortable to talk about that party, and I started to wonder if maybe I did MORE than just touch his leg and make a few suggestive comments to him while I was getting hammered on alcohol. The way he was SQUIRMING today when I brought it up....it just...
...It kinda HURT!
I mean...this is exactly what I was hoping to avoid by not telling him I was gay in the first place! I didn't want him to shun me, reject me, or feel strange in my presence. I thought he'd be ok with this. I thought we were cool. He PROMISED!
Maybe I just need to straighten my thoughts out a little bit more. I mean...I guess the rules of the game change when your 'gay friend' starts trying to seduce you at a party.
Anyway, I'm gonna call my mom tonight. I miss her. I miss the house. I miss just...having my life the way it was. My dad just isn't really good 'company'. He's always mad. Or at least he seems that way to me. And his...'mistress' just pisses me off. Just by having her clothes here. I am NEVER going to get used to seeing her walk around this house. I saw that they had a double bed for them both to sleep in....and the sight of it just made me sick.
I need to go. I'll talk more later. See ya...