Monday

- I saw them today. And it would make my heart sing proud if I could sit here right now and say that it didn't sting. A *LOT*!!! But, no such luck. It hurts so much that you almost want to hold your breath to the point of nearly passing out, just so you can have something else to focus on besides the pain.

Then again...pain is all I have left of him.

I know that Brandon saw me. I know that Stevie did too. But they didn't even acknowledge me. Not even enough to turn their backs on me and walk away. Great....he doesn't even care enough to hate me anymore.

But....you know....whatever...

I don't care anymore either. I mean really. Fuck him. I don't know what I saw in Brandon in the first place. Sighhh...yeah, I'm lying. I do care. And I know EXACTLY what I saw in him. He was the prettiest, most amazing boy ever. That's what I saw. I guess its his turn to play kickball with MY heart for a little while.

I've been having my doubts about Lee lately. You know...about him being the one who kissed me last week. But I'm keeping him on the list, just in case. And by 'the list', I mean an actual written LIST now! You see....the way I see it, there were TEN boys that are likely to be the culprit in all this. TEN for sure. And ONE of them has to be guilty!

This is seriously starting to bug me now, because somebody is staring me in the face every school day, and not saying anything! They KNOW what happened, but are they...like...expecting me to remember too? Are they thinking I'm an asshole for not mentioning it? Do they take it as a rejection? Are they laughing at me behind my back? Or are they looking to approach me for more? Until I find out which one it is...I'll be tearing my hair out by the handful. This has got to come to an end.

Which brings me to a few strange incidents that happened today at school. For example, I was at the drinking fountain this morning, and I saw Jamie Cross walking up and trying to get my attention. Which nearly made me spit my water out. You know...he has this red shirt that he wears that REALLY makes his blond hair look all bright and golden...and he was wearing it today. And he's a little bit taller than me, so my face is right at the level where I can smell his clean sport scent deodorant. It's like...baby powder, but mixed with unique 'Jamie-scent'. It's sooooo intoxicating.

So he walks over to talk to me, and he says, "Hey, when you get a chance, give Jimmy a huge thanks for his help on my friend's report. She got an 'A' on it, with bonus stars and everything. Jimmy was awesome."

So I'm like, "Uhhh...yeah. Sure. Jimmy will be...grinning from ear to ear to hear that you were happy."

Jamie gave me, like...this big flirtatious smirk, and he says, "Heh...yeah, I'll just BET it would. He was pretty clear about that." Then he focuses those bright blue eyes on ME, and he's like, "How come YOU never tell me I'm cute, Billy? Hehehe, I'm hurt."

Again...I was left breathless and choking on the pressure to come up with something to say in response. "Well...I....Um...Er....I just....hehehe...." I know I was turning red in the face. Hell, maybe even PURPLE! Then I blurted out, "...Jamie, you're gorgeous! You know that, right?" I think it's probably the GAYEST thing that I have EVER said to Jamie Cross in my life! I didn't even make sound playful or anything! You know, like I was just joking around. I should have....I dunno....spoken with a fake 'lisp' or something! Just to let him know that I didn't mean it. Even if I TOTALLY meant it!

It really caught him off guard, and he laughed. This really CUTE little laugh that came packaged with the sweetest blush imaginable. And I started getting hard just looking at him, so I tried to casually leaning back against the wall, and sorta sliding my backpack in front of my crotch to keep from poking his freakin' EYE out or something! He lowered his voice a bit and said, "Hehehe, only you can make that sound so appealing, Billy. Thank you." Don't know WHAT that means! But he kinda got a bit more serious, and he's like, "Dude...you know, I felt kinda weird about it before, but...since you're being cool with it and all..." He stopped himself for a second, like he was trying to find the right words. And I was hanging on to his every word. So that tiny pause in conversation was like.....ARRRRGHHHHHH ETERNITY!!! SPEAK! SPEAK, DAMN YOU!!!

I'm like, "Go ahead.." I glanced at the clock in the hallway, and the passing period was going to be up in like 45 seconds! Once that bell rings, I'll have to run to class. Please don't let me lose this moment! Please please please!

So Jamie says, "Well...about that night, after your party...I mean, you're ok with that. Right? I mean...it's no big deal?" He looked like he was examining me for a reaction. And I didn't know how to give him the right one! Ok with WHAT??? WHAT'S no big deal??? I fidgeted, and he looked almost worried for a second. He says, "I mean, I didn't wanna just bail on you afterwards. I don't want you to think that I didn't 'enjoy' it. I mean....it was great. Hehehe...maybe one of the best nights of my life. Even if you were a little too blitzed to remember." Wait!!!! Wait...WHAT???? I opened my mouth, and the fucking goddamn sonoabitchin' BELL RANG!!!!!!!!! Jamie's like, "Fuck! I'm late again! I'm gonna get detention if I'm late one more time! I've gotta run! But...um...we'll talk some more later, k? I'm glad you're feeling better, Billy. Rock on, man!" And he started to leave.

To tell you the honest truth, I wanted to chase that boy down and tackle him around the legs and MAKE him talk to me! But I couldn't move. I couldn't even BREATHE! Going back in my mind, I tried to remember every detail that I could from that night. Just to see if Jamie Cross had the lips and the expertise to kiss me in the dark the way he did on my birthday. And how could he NOT? Everything about him is perfect!!! If ANYBODY had the power to uplift me, body and soul, an make me tingle from head to toe with a single kiss in the dark...it would be Jamie Cross! I've been madly in love with that boy since...since...well, let's just say that it's hard to remember the concept of 'love' itself without Jamie Cross being at the very top of my list. Even ahead of Sam. (But probably for all of the wrong reasons. You know...the lustful 'OMFG he's soooo HOT' kinda reasons!)

But instead, I stood there like an idiot, trying to calm my heartbeat down enough to speak without squeaking like a country mouse with his tail caught in a trap! I kept going back to that kiss, and....I SWEAR...if Jamie Cross kissed me and I missed it, I am going to literally drink a bottle of bleach when I get home, and curse the day I was born!!! Oh GOD....did I touch Jamie Cross' goodies??? Did I, like...GROPE him through his pants??? Jesus! Ok, enough is enough! This has GOT to be taken care of! I can't stand it anymore! I can't even BELIEVE that I'm adding Jamie Cross to my list of boys that actually might wanna make out with me! That's like...a historically insane moment in my life! And it's happening right now!

Anyway, Jimmy still seems a bit pissed at me, but at least he returned the hello when I talked to him today. He's being weird. I think I'm just gonna come right out and find out what the hell happened at that party to make him so mad. The funny thing is, I can't really see him kissing me that night. And I HOPE I'd have enough sense to not make out with AJ after all he put me through the last time. Still...he's gotta be angry about SOMETHING. And until I know what that is, I'm leaving them both on the list.

Simon has been practically RUNNING away from me every time he sees me looking in his direction. And I know that look. It's like...he's seriously ashamed or something. And I can't get close enough to talk to him about it. But he's already apologized for 'something' that happened that night involving the two of us. And once he realized that I didn't remember...well, he freaked, and refused to even acknowledge that anything happened at all. Simon has definitely been getting his kissing practice in. So I wonder if maybe I kinda took advantage of him at a moment of weakness or something. I mean...the last time I saw Simon this shaken up was when I was caught basically trying to 'molest' him at my house after school. So...it makes me wonder if maybe I made the same mistake twice.

I'm gonna study this a bit further. And Le....sighhh...I dunno. It's just too good to be true. What Lee said about me coming over this Friday was...cute and sexy and all. But considering that EVERYTHING that comes out of Lee's mouth is cute and sexy...he can be kinda hard to judge. Still, I'm leaving a star by his name. Because so far, he's a major suspect. So is Jamie Cross. And actually...I'm gonna put a star next to Simon's name just because he's being a total freak lately.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, eventually.

Gotta go. My dad is making...um...well, I don't know WHAT it is. Looks like a rabbit that was smashed to death with a giant rock...and it doesn't smell much better. But I'll TRY to eat it without making faces. Ugh! I miss my mom soooo much right now. This place....sucks.

Seeya soon.

-Billy