- Well, the GOOD news is that I think I'm actually off the hook! Thank GOD! You have NO idea how relieved I am about that! If Simon thought anything was 'funny' about my behavior on Friday, he didn't say anything to anybody about it. At least I don't think he did. The BAD news, however, is that I sorta spoke to him in the halls today, and he acted kinda weird towards me. Not rude, or dissmissive, or even a decent cold shoulder. Just not his usual self. He just kinda said, "Hi." And that was it. He didn't even really look me in the eye when he said it. He might have just been in a grumpy mood or something, but I don't think he's forgotten about what happened between us a few days ago. I don't think he 'WILL' either. He'll hold onto that memory, and steer clear of me for as long as possible, I'm sure of it. That is what sets the curse in stone, right there. I'm NEVER going to have sex with Simon. Not ever. Sighhhh...I guess he's off limits. Shit, it looks like he's someone else that I might as well just scratch off of my 'happy' list. Dammit...I was really hoping to get with him too. I gotta admit, I'm kinda hurt. He would have been an awesome boyfriend, I think. Or at least a sexy fuck buddy.
One strange occurrence that I ran into today...I was going to the bathroom in the West wing of the school between classes when the halls were empty, and when I walked in...I saw Jimmy LaPlane crying in front of the mirror over the sink. I mean...like really CRYING this time. I'm surprised that I hadn't heard him sobbing from outside, with the echo in there and all. He saw my reflection in the mirror as soon as I walked in, and he snatched a few paper towels to dry his eyes with. He totally tried to play it off, but it was way too late, you know?
Naturally, I thought that someone must be fucking with him again and physically 'hurt' him in some way. I wish those assholes would just leave him ALONE, you know? But when I asked him what was wrong, all he could tell me was "Nothing." That's what he said. Over and over again, everytime I asked. In fact, he dried his tears up, and gave me such a serious face that I pretty much had to believe him. Hell, he even smiled at me, right in my face, as though he wasn't just bawling a second ago. I'll have you know that I happen to be the champion of swallowing emotions and putting on a happy face to hide the pain. But I've never seen done as fast and as convicingly as Jimmy had done it today. It was actually kinda creepy. He didn't take any comfort from me at all. He said he didn't need any, and maintained that everything was fine until he was almost getting mad at me for asking. Then he just looked at himself in the mirror again, fixed his hair a little, and patted me on the shoulder as he walked out. All he said was, "Thanks, Billy. But I'm fine though, really." I can't put my finger on it, but this was excessively weird. Even for Jimmy. I hope he doesn't take me turning him down on his offer to hang out as a big rejection or anything. Maybe I should make it up to him sometime. It'll make him feel better.
My parents seem to be back on speaking terms again. Just like always, no make-up kisses or discussions about what caused the problem in the first place. Just a temporary end to the feud, and the waiting period for the anger to wear off. I 'could' be worried about that too, but I suppose it's better than having them fight. So I should count my blessings while I have them, right?
Wait. The phone's ringing, and I think it's Joanna again. Which means my night is pretty much overwith. She never knows when to stop chattering. I guess I'll have to write more tomorrow. Adios.
- Tuesdays usually suck ass, you know that? It's like, you've already lost the fun vibe you had going over the weekend by the end of Monday, and yet it's as far away from Friday as you can get without it actually BEING Monday. If that makes any sense. Anyway, today was kind of a 'blah' day. It rained pretty much from sun up to sun down, and everybody was in a gloomy mood, me included. The only person who seemed to NOT be having a crummy day, believe it or not, was Jimmy.
Jimmy LaPlane actually came into school smiling today. ALL day, as a matter of fact. For the first time in forever. It was like somebody had put fairy dust in his chocolate milk or something. I didn't get it. The more I think I have Jimmy figured out, the weirder he gets.
Anyway, he actually had a giggle for me when I first saw him in the halls this morning. Even held his hand up for a high five. No reason really...he just did it because he 'felt' good I guess. You know? I thought about asking him why he was so giggly all of the sudden, but decided to drop it. I didn't want to jinx the good mood, afterall. So I gave him his high five and smiled at the fact that he had turned a completely 180* on me. I guess whatever answer he was looking for yesterday, he had just gotten it. Weird.
I only wish I was as lucky.
Sam was especially moody today too. Ready to snap at just about anything I said to him this morning. Even worse later on in the afternoon. Then...at one point around lunchtime, Brandon walked past us without saying anything, and I thought Sam was going to litterally jump on him or something. I think it was just his current bad mood or something, but he was taking a huge offense to this constant shunning from Brandon. They didn't even really KNOW each other, how could they be enemies already? I simply CAN'T understand why the two of them just don't get along. I mean, me and Sam have everything in common. Me and Brandon have a bunch of stuff in common too, from what I know of him. So you would think that it would be logical to assume that they would have stuff in common with each other as well. But I guess logic doesn't always play a part in how you choose your friends, enemies, and loves of your life. Some things just happen for the fuck of it.
It was an odd place to be in though. Between the 'prettiest' boy in school and my very best friend on Earth. Naturally, I'd stay at Sam's side no matter what It's something he's earned after putting up with me for so long and remaining a friend. But...this strange little conflict made me realize something about Brandon that I hadn't noticed before. I think that I was....slightly 'more' than infatuated with him these days. More than I was aware of, anyway. I mean...this wasn't just some weird crush anymore. Something that I felt because he was cute and because I wanted sex from him. (Of course, those things helped a great deal in keeping him close, I'm sure!) But in my heart, I missed his big hazel eyes. I missed the sweet way his voice would lift when he talked to me with a smile. I missed the way he'd try to look me in the eye and talk while locking up his bike in the mornings...knowing damn well he couldn't do both at the same time. I liked him, sure. I wanted him, definitely. I missed him too. But...this feeling was different. It was much less vague. It was this imaginary point where his sensual body, his personality, his intelligence, his wit, and his friendship...all collided and transformed into something else entirely. Looking at Brandon with my eyes coated in infatuation...it just made me squirm inside. And being away from him just made me realize how much I really needed him to be a substantial part of my day to be even remotely 'complete'. How weird is THAT?
He really was 'special' to me...you know that?
Whatever. I'm being a space cadet.
I wonder if this is going to put a new spin on my interactions with him from now on. Because, in all honesty, this was the first time that I ever really thought about persuing Brandon before. Ack! What a FREAKY feeling!!! I really shouldn't be thinking like that, but I'm horny and I'm young. I guess I'm entitled.
Anyway, I'm gonna call Sam and see if I can talk him into putting on a happy face for tomorrow. He was so sullen earlier that I worry...you know? Anyway, gotta jet. Later.
- Okay, I just read what I wrote yesterday, before writing this out tonight. And the events of today are pretty much the EXACT opposite of what happened yesterday! It's like the whole universe got flipped over and I was stuck on the wrong side of reality. The only thing consistent was Sam's bad attitude, which I could have done without. I guess I failed in trying to make him feel better. At least he started venting today, though. Knowing Sam...that's usually his first step to recovery. He told me about how his mom was riding him about his room and the dishes and getting a sense of responsibility. Dun dun DUNNN!!!! I've heard THAT talk before! The old 'responsibility' speech is reserved for those times when parents force you to get a job you hate, take care of Gramma for a week, or when something really BIG needs to be cleaned this weekend and they want you to break your back doing it. It's a weapon reserved for parents of a certain skill level. And the outcome is almost ALWAYS a bad one!
Evidently, the issue ended up with the two of them 'fighting' about it. Which always seemed so taboo to me. "Fighting with your parents?" Huh? Is that for REAL??? I can't fight with my parents! They're WAY too strong! And they've known me longer than I've been ALIVE! They've got enough ammunition to use against me to run me out of town forever if they really wanted to do it. Not to mention that they, like, control EVERYTHING! So I can't imagine really being much of a 'challenge' for either one of them, so to speak. I just kinda whine and pout while they lay down the law about what's going to happen and why. My idea of fighting back is doing what I'm told with a sour face.
Call me a wuss if you want, but those two terrify me.
I have no clue as to what would happen if I ever challenged my parents beyond their level of patience...but I would ASSUME that it would be a fate worse than one I could ever imagine, so I stray from that course of action at all costs. I guess Sam just has a different relationship with his mom than I do with mine. I want things to get better for him though. If for no other reason than to keep my best friend from being so cranky all the time. And to keep him from being grounded.
Brandon? I walked over to him today, feeling really nervous this time. I'm talking...'nervous' here! In a way that I've never been nervous before. Not around him, anyway. Again, he had totally flipped over on me emotionally. It almost seemed like it hurt him to talk to me. And when I asked him what was wrong, all he wanted to do was find an excuse to get away from me. Considering the fact that I was suddenly looking at him with this new sense of hormone induced confusion....I thought it might have been my fault that he felt the need to run away so soon. But thinking back to it, I can't honestly think of a single word that I might have used to offend or insult him. And it's not like I 'jumped' him like I did Simon...so that couldn't be the case. I don't even know what I WANT from Brandon anymore! I just.....I 'need' him, you know? Not having him treat me the way he did before when things were 'normal' is slowly murdering me inside! And I don't know why we can't at least be FRIENDS! Just FRIENDS? Jesus....is that so much to ask? Whatever. The way he was acting, I almost didn't want him back. Fuck him if he can't talk to me. Who needs the stress of crying over somebody who won't cry over you. That's what I say.
(You know that I TOTALLY don't mean that, right? Sighhh.....yeah....of course you do.)
Joanna, instead of being her usual talkative self, was 'too busy' to really be bothered with me today. I can't explain why that stung so badly, but it did. I felt like she brushed me off or something, and it kinda pissed me off. There's something about girls that just keeps you emotionally confused at all times. Just as you turn right, they go left, and look at you crazy for going the wrong way. Then, when you turn left to follow them, they go right and ask you what the hell you're doing NOW! Why I wanted her attention when I should be running in the other direction, I'll never know. But her black magic had me trapped, so I didn't have much of a choice but to be bothered by her not wanting me around. I guess she was just busy today. She didn't seem to be doing it on purpose, or to be mean. But I guess I just really didn't need to be ignored today. So I was kinda hot with her too. And Jimmy, who had once come in smiling and grinning from ear to ear, was suddenly staring at the floor with teary eyes again today. No one was even bothering him this time around! He was just upset for no cause at all! For some reason that just angered me more. So I didn't even speak to him today. I don't 'get' him at all.
Anyway, shitty day, shitty people, shitty WEEK so far! I'm going to bed before it gets any worse. I am LONGING for the weekend right now! And it's soooooo far away! Ugh! Later!