"Billy Chase #210"

- That no good son of a BITCH!!!

He really thinks this is a big GAME, doesn't he???

Ok...listen to this...

I had a nice little 'chat' with Jimmy LaPlane today after lunch. And he was STILL kinda giving me the brush off, so I'm like, "Jimmy, what the hell is the PROBLEM here?" He's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since my party, and I wanna know what the fuck is going on. I mean...if I did something to piss him off, I just want him to yell at me and get it over with. Don't keep dragging this secret hatred out for ever and ever. Arrrgh!

Anyway, Jimmy's like, "You know what you did, Billy. Don't even pretend to be innocent in all this. I don't care if you WERE drunk, you can't just keep playing with my feelings like this. It's not fair." I had no idea what the heck he was talking about, but when I asked, he's like, "I thought we could just be friends and stop this back and forth infatuation thing...but you ruin it. You ruin it every time."

I'm HONESTLY lost here, and I have to watch Jimmy walk away from me while I try to battle the confusion of it all. But throughout the next two periods, I keep thinking about what he said. I keep repeating what he said over and over again. And even though I was hoping that it wasn't true, there's a distinct possibility that I could have made out with either Jimmy or AJ at that party and didn't it. But I highly doubt that it was AJ. There's no way that he would have been unselfish enough to have passed up a prime opportunity like that to totally 'rape' me while I was giving him the green light to do so. He wouldn't have hesitated. He wouldn't have stopped.

But Jimmy? I don't know. I tried thinking back to the moment, and my memory was still too hazy to focus on who it was. I KINDA remember the situation with Simon a little more now, but only because he mentioned it to me and it triggered something. Imagine...if that's what it's like to kiss Jimmy LaPlane on the mouth...he's DEFINITELY been practicing! But...would Jimmy be strong enough to hold me up as we stumbled upstairs? Hmmmm...maybe. It would be one hell of a struggle for him, though. Would he say that he'd 'take care' of me? I think he might...but who knows for sure? I tried to put more of it together in my head, trying to ask myself the right questions and hopefully gain the right answers. Would he hesitate to kiss me? Of course he would. He wouldn't know what the hell was going on. Would he be hard, and let me feel him up? Jimmy's been in love with me for years now. He most certainly would. And would he stop for the sake of honoring our friendship? Or maybe just to save us the trouble of having to go through the horror of straightening out our true feelings for each other (or lack thereof) again? Yeah, I think he would. But...I dunno...it just didn't fit Jimmy's character to do something like that.

I have to admit, the idea plagued me all day...until at long last, I ran into him again. His locker is right by my period 6 class, anyway. It would be hard to avoid crossing paths at least once or twice a day.

Finally, a LITTLE bit more clarity! And a step closer towards figuring things out.

The moment we started talking, Jimmy let me have it. He's like, "Why did you do it, Billy? Huh? Why can't you just leave this alone? You already KNOW how I feel about Alex...why would you try to screw things up between us?"

And I'm like, "AJ??? THAT'S what all this is about?" I would never make out with AJ! I wondered about it before, but...the very thought of it makes me sick. I don't care HOW cute he is, he's too much of an asshole to ever be attractive to me ever again. I couldn't get that drunk if I tried.

Jimmy's like, "Alex told me what happened at the party. That you purposely cornered him and told him to dump me."

Arrrgh!!! Now that, I DO remember! I'm like, "Jimmy...dude, it wasn't LIKE that..."

But he's all, "It's a LOT like that, Billy! I mean...I TOLD you that I can take care of myself, but you just won't leave it alone. Every time I think you and I can just be 'pals' and nothing else, you go and do something to make me think you...that you're doing this because you..." He stopped himself, and looked down at the floor for a second as he took a deep breath and pushed the notion out of his mind. "Look...Alex is all I have right now. And I don't need you screwing this up for me. Ok? You have no idea how much it HURTS being so alone all the time. I hate just watching everybody getting all lovey dovey all the time and not having someone to hold for myself. I need somebody to fill a space in my life right now, and 'AJ' is filling it just fine. I don't need your help." Then you know what Jimmy told me??? He's like, "Thanks to you, Alex and I are having some major issues. He didn't even call me back yesterday. Right after you 'talked' to him, he spent the rest of the party practically avoiding me. He started talking to that stupid 'Randall' guy instead. And it's all your fault."

WHAT???? How the fuck is that *MY* fault??? I'm like, "Jimmy...don't you see what he's doing? He's playing a stupid GAME with you! He got caught getting all cozy with another guy, and now he's using ME as an excuse to justify it. He wasn't talking to Randall because of what I said. He was doing it because that's who he is. He's a CREEP, Jimmy. I know because I've been through this before. Jimmy, c'mon dude...don't let him use your own emotions against you like this. He's just trying to find a way to get enough distance between you to cheat without getting caught again."

Naturally, Jimmy didn't listen to a word I said. He's like, "I don't wanna HEAR it, Billy. I mean...enough is enough. This is the last time I'm telling you this...BACK OFF! If you can't be happy for me, then stay away from me, and stay away from my boyfriend. I mean it." Then he shut his locker, and he looked at me like he was soooo hurt by it all. He said, "I'm gonna try to repair the damage you've done, and beg Alex to forget that it ever happened. I'm gonna tell him you were drunk and that you're sorry. More importantly...I'm gonna tell him that you're gonna leave us alone from now on." He looked me in the eye and added, "I hope I'm right about that last part."

Anyway, despite the sad outcome of THAT little fiasco, I'm somewhat relieved to scratch both AJ and Jimmy LaPlane off of my list today. Either one of them would have turned out to be a bad situation all around. DEFINITELY where AJ is involved. But with Jimmy too. His feelings are much too delicate for me to handle. It would be a big disappointment for us both.

Speaking of 'feelings', Bobby Jinette...who's been really 'quiet' around me lately, seems to be on cloud nine all over again. This past week, it's like he's fallen in love with me all over again, and I can't really explain why. I talked to him a few times to see if I could maybe get him to open up about it, but every time I notice his little infatuated stares and flirtatious giggles...they go RIGHT back into hiding again. And yet, I can feel them getting stronger than ever. I don't know what the heck I did to set THAT off again, but...Bobby's staring at me out of the corner of his eye every chance he gets. He pretends he isn't, but I can feel it. It's getting to the point where he started trembling again whenever he talks to me. I dunno...maybe his crush just comes and goes. Who knows?

To be honest...another few marathon sex adventures with Bobby would be...like...wow. Especially if he let me sink into that deliciously tight ass again. His ass is soooooo beautiful. He should charge admission for it, I swear. But...

...He has real emotion invested in me, so....I should totally leave that alone.

I talked to Sam for a while on the phone tonight. It's no surprise that he still misses Joanna like crazy and sounds like he's about ten minutes from throwing himself in front of a moving train. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that I spoke to her yesterday. I just...I couldn't do it. He was already soooo sick inside over losing her in the first place...he hasn't been the same since. It hurt me to talk about it. It hurt me to hear HIM talk about it. How could I possibly tell him that the love of his life had found...somebody else? You know? After going through that with Brandon and Stevie...I just couldn't put anybody else through that kinda of merciless pain. Not ever. Hell, to be honest...even having AJ cheat on me with that other guy still stings a little. Even after all this time. Then again...is it worse to just not say anything at all? I...I just don't know.

I don't think I want to be in the middle of this weirdness anymore. All I wanna do is hold him and make things better. But I can't even do THAT anymore because I totally perved on him at the party. Now every time I lay a finger on him, he's gonna think I'm trying to get in his pants. It's just...a difficult situation that I don't wanna deal with. I wouldn't even know where to begin. For now, I'd just as well hope and pray that Sam gets over her and moves on to somebody else.

Anyway, I've gotta go. I'm gonna call my mom tonight and....I dunno...'talk', I guess. It's a weird thing to talk to her from a distance, you know? I mean, I'm kinda getting used to my dad's strict rules of getting up early and setting the table and having him check my homework and all. I'm even getting used to the idea of having that...'lady' around. Even though we try hard to avoid each other most of the night. I'm soooo glad that my room is separate from the rest of the house. It makes dodging her easy. I STILL don't like it here, but it's more bearable than it was at first. It wasn't until I was talking to my mom on the phone that I realized how much I missed home.

I just....I wanna go home.

Oh, before I forget...

Randall sent me an email tonight. I hardly know Randall at all. But he sent me a message to say, "Hi, Billy! It's Randall! I had to twist Lee's arm to get your email, but I just wanted to say hello. You were really cool, and I thought we might hang out some more some time. So send me an email back (or your phone number if you want!) and we can get together some time." Sooooo.....yeah, that was really out of the blue. And even though he seems to be more involved with the Jimmy and AJ situation, I'm leaving his name on the list, just in case. Because he's taken a really weird interest in me all of a sudden. And I mean...it WAS his bed that I was sleeping in. In HIS bedroom, in HIS house, at HIS party. Well, MY party but...you know what I mean. Randall's really really cute, but...I don't know him at all. I'm hoping that I didn't just go making out with a virtual stranger in my drunken state. I'm just gonna wait on scratching him out until I know for sure. I think I'll even put a star there for now. He might be a pretty strong lead in all this. If he didn't do it...maybe he knows who did.

I'll see ya soon. I've got a very...'interesting' day coming up tomorrow. Me and Lee. Lee and me. I'm getting shivers. Like...actual SHIVERS. I'm almost too scared to go ahead and start thinking that it's him who kissed me that night. Lee is....he's AMAZING, he really is! But...I wouldn't know how to handle being in love with him. Something about him is soooo intimidating. He's like...too CUTE for me. And Jamie Cross...my GOD! I won't even think about it! The only reason his name is on the list at all is because I want so badly for it to be him. In my fantasies, anyway. Not real life. Real life would be....scary.

Anyway....yeah. Later.


The "Kiss Mystery" List


Bobby Jinette



Jamie Cross*


~Jimmy LaPlane~