- I'm still shaking....
I mean...I'm still....I'm still just....trembling!
Am I DREAMING this right now? Am I totally asleep, 'pretending' to be awake, while my brain is subconsciously picturing the daily habit of writing in this notebook? This is unreal. This is SO unreal! And it all started because I was hurting so badly that I wanted to curl up into a tight little ball and fade out of existence.
Such a weird feeling...
To go from wanting to die...to wanting to FLY...in a 12 hour period!
I could talk about how I totally ducked out on Sam today for lunch because I was afraid that he'd press me for more information about Joanna. But...that wasn't one of the big events of my day.
I could talk about how Trace and I were talking when Simon walked by and said hello. You know what Trace did? He like...'winked' at Simon! Like in this really cute, teasing, way. And it made Simon extremely nervous, so he turned deep red and sorta made up an excuse and hightailed it out of there. Which...you know...there was just something about the way he did it that made me wonder if he was the one in that room the night Simon was caught with his 'pants down', so to speak. An interesting thought at the time...but....THAT wasn't one of the major events of my day either.
I could even talk about the fact that Bobby Jinette made the big move to talk to me today and told me, "Would it bother you if I said that...I've been thinking about you?" Which, I don't know what the heck he actually means by that, but the look on my face alone must have caused him to back down, because he suddenly shriveled up and said, "You know, it's no big deal or anything. It's just...sometimes...I remember how much I miss you being...." He stopped and then added, "...I know we still talk and all. It's not like I'm trying to push you or anything, I just...miss us." Then his eyes widened, and he said, "YOU! I mean...I miss you. I...you know what? We'll talk later." He's being...weird. But still...not one of the big issues of my day today.
Let me just...start with how it...started.
I guess it was like...4th period or something, not far from lunch time, and I went to the bathroom between classes. Just making a quick stop or whatever. And who walks in, but 'Mr. Fucking Wonderful'. I should have been able to smell Stevie's super clean emo scent from a mile away! Like...old newspapers and makeup. God, I HATE him! I can't seem to get far enough away from that asshole!
Anyway, so he walks up to the urinal next to me, and unzips. I'm literally forcing myself to pee faster so I don't have to look at him. And he like...smiles at me! But it's one of those, 'ha ha you're a total loser' smiles, you know? And I just try to ignore him by looking straight down and not in his pretty boy face. And after a few seconds, he shakes his head and kinda chuckles to himself. He's all like, "You don't have to ignore me, Billy. Seriously." But I just kinda glare at him and refuse to say a single word. I should've backed up and piss all over his fucking FACE. Lucky for him, I was running out of 'ammo' at the time.
So I finish up, and I zip up and go to the sink to wash my hands. But I see him in the mirror over my shoulder, walking over to lean against the counter to look me in the eyes. He says, "If you think I'm harboring any negative vibes, Billy...I'm really not. To be honest, Brandon and me? We hardly eve think about you anymore. It's kinda refreshing."
I was ENRAGED at the idea of him even TALKING to me!!! But...I have to admit...hearing those words really hurt me to my very core. He...he doesn't even think about me anymore? Like....not at all? I tried to block it out of my mind, but I was suddenly overwhelmed with images of some of the really...GOOD times Brandon and I had together. Those sweet kisses, and rubbing our noses together...laughing and having lunch together. I still remember the day he told me loved me. Hehehe, actually...he said 'I do too.' Awww, that was like...the cutest thing ever. The way he said it and the cute little bashful look in his eye...
I guess that's all ruined now.
Anyway, so I'm still just trying to turn my back to Stevie and get out of there before I end up choking him to death with my bare hands. But then he's like, "I'm glad you got it out of your head that he was still up for grabs. That was beginning to be a problem. And inviting him to the party behind my back, heh...that would have been pretty low. You know...if it had actually worked."
So I couldn't take anymore, and in a loud voice, I snapped at him. I'm like, "Can you *NOT* fucking talk to me???" I started to ball my fist up, I swear...I wanted to beat the living SHIT out of him! But I'm already in deep shit with BOTH parents, and I've basically been evicted from my own house to go live with my dad....so I was practically popping blood vessels to keep my anger under control. I said, "You wanted him, you GOT him already? Can't you just leave me alone? Congratulations! The one boy I loved more than anything in this world now officially belongs to someone else. I hope it feels good. Yay for you!"
But Stevie just kinda smiled again, and he's like, "You've got that right. I mean, honestly...if I had let a hot one like Brandon get away, I'd be pretty pissed. Right after a full blown depression that is." As if he wasn't finished twisting the knife in my gut, he THEN adds this little tidbit. "By the way...heh, you were sooooo right, Billy! I was seriously missing out by not having sex with him. I mean, WOW!" I gave him a really hurt look, and he's like, "Oh...yeah, I guess he wouldn't tell you that, would he? With you guys not talking and all. Yeah...I finally got my 'taste' of what it's like to be with one of the prettiest boys in school. A LOT of taste actually. Hehehe, that Brandon is a horny one. At least...for ME he is. I'd say that curling up next to him naked is about the most sensual feeling in existence. I know you've gotta miss that. I would." It's funny how quickly anger can turn to tears. I refused to let any fall, but...it suddenly became very hard to see through the blur of my watery eyes. I wished that it wasn't true. That Stevie was just lying to be an asshole. But two cute gay teen boys...alone...making out? How long was it going to be before sex became a natural part of the routine? He was...kissing, and touching, and...and...sucking my Brandon. He hasn't been mine for a very long time, and I know that, but...it didn't stop my heart from being ripped in half to hear it. Stevie said, "After your little blow up at the party, Brandon didn't really want to hold out for you anymore. We both left right after that, and after some 'comforting' from his BOYFRIEND, that's me by the way...he was very 'grateful'. And we've been sucking each other dry ever since. Among...'other' things. Hehehe! So technically, Billy, I should be thanking you! You helped me jump the hurdle. Break the barrier. And now he can't keep his hands off of me. So the congratulations are all yours, buddy." He got up from the sink, and before walking out the door, he said, "Put THAT in your journal."
Which....sigh...I guess I am. You know, I was almost reaching a point where I thought I could get over Brandon and me falling apart. But when Stevie left me in that bathroom, the silence, like, overwhelmed me. And I felt tears rolling down my cheeks the second he closed the door. Even now, I can't STAND to think about them together. I just CAN'T! I can't believe that he....that they...
Sighhh...I don't wanna talk about this anymore. It was a GOOD day! Honestly it was. I don't want to focus on the worst part of my day. I want to focus on the BEST part of my day.
Besides...Brandon's gone forever, right?
(Regretfully crossing Brandon's name off of my list. I guess he wouldn't be the one to kiss me. Since he never thinks about me or anything.....)
Anyway...I had an email waiting on me from Lee, telling me to hurry up and get ready to come over tonight. I was really...I was REALLY feeling down, and I was anxiously looking forward to just making it through the rest of the school day so I get back to my dad's house, lock myself in the basement, and just wallow in sorrow for the rest of the night. There were SO many times that I was close to breaking down in the middle of class...I was giving myself a headache just trying to contain it all in. Pain under pressure. I was in the middle of typing out an answer to tell Lee that I wasn't coming over, and that we'd do it another night...when the phone rang. And, of course...it's Lee. And he's all happy and bouncy and excited about me coming to spend some time with him. Reminding me that I promised and that we'd have a good time and just...he was being cute and I was being pathetic, and I didn't think the two would match. But...GOD, you should have heard him. He was almost like whimpering for me to come over and have some fun. So I just sucked it up and went over. I mean...I figured that I held it in all day, what's a few more hours? Hell, he might even help me to feel better.
I won't lie...within the first fifteen minutes of being around Lee and his super adorable antics...I was feeling good enough to at least fake a few smiles here and there. The pain was still there, and every time there was a break in conversation...my mind wandered back to Brandon and Stevie having sex again. But thankfully, Lee and I never have too many of those breaks.
At one point, Joanna came up, and Lee was like, "You know...I haven't heard from her in like two weeks, now. She only replied to ONE of the emails that I sent her, and she said she had a new boyfriend. She's been cuddling up with him ever since." I asked him who it was, and he said, "I dunno, somebody from your school. I'm just sorry about the whole thing with her and Sam. Is he alright?"
I'm like, "No. I don't even know if he knows yet. I kinda don't wanna tell him."
And Lee's like, "Well, don't worry. Joanna can get pretty intense about her little crushes and stuff. But it was never like it was with Sam. I think she was really in love that time. She'll be back."
IT was comforting to hear, but still...when Sam finds out, it's gonna completely devastate him. And it'll be hard...but if he needs me, I'll be there.
So me and Lee were on the couch watching some bad movie that we had pretty much lost interest in except for a few opportunities to make fun of it...and...I don't know...there's something about Lee's smile that's so...inviting, you know? I kinda got myself torn between staring at the television and staring at him. He was wearing these really thin light gray sweatpants...that were almost thin enough to be pajamas, and a snug black form-fitting t-shirt that molded to his body in the hottest way. He has...really pleasing eyes, you know that? And cool hair...and...his voice is really cute too. I don't know what we were talking about...but I started thinking about the party and all...and I just started to wonder.
I started picturing Lee, who was just a bit taller than me...maybe helping me up the stairs, and laying me down to bed. I had flashes of Simon running out, pulling his pants back together. And thoughts of conversations that Lee and I had been having lately. I thought about his cute little emails and 'sugar kisses' and our trips to the jelly bean factory. I thought about him undressing in front of me, and seeing how amazingly CUTE his penis was at the mall. From feeling really bad when he thought I was mad at him, to purposely telling me about what happened between him and Jimmy. From the parties at my house and from my birthday, to hanging out at the mall, to always telling me how 'cool' I am and wanting to be around me...Lee has always been right there at my side, looking at me with a smile. A 'BIG' smile. The more I thought about it, the more I started to wonder if I was missing a collection of signals and hints that were practically raining down on me like a shower of bricks.
That's what he said when I asked if he'd ever fool around with me. He said 'definitely'.
Lee was doing a few funny voices, and despite this giant gaping hole in my heart where Brandon's love used to be, I was literally laughing myself to tears! Lee just kept doing stuff to make it worse until I begged him to stop, and he finally let up so I could breathe. I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch after rolling around laughing, and Lee slid down to the floor to join me. He smiled warmly at me, and he used his cute little sock foot to tickle mine. Then he was like..."I'm really glad you came over, Billy. I meant what I said...you know, about missing you."
It was the first warm feeling that I had experienced since Stevie's smug little face disappeared behind that bathroom door.
I know that I blushed, because Lee was quick to make fun of me for it. He's all, "Awwwww...you're BLUSHING! Aww, Billy, that's so cute!!!" And he like, leans over and pinches my cheeks and then gives me a hug. He says, "You're SO awesome! I love you!" I think I might have whimpered out loud when he said it, but thank God, he didn't hear me. Having him touch me was like...AHHHH!!! And you wanna know something? Sometimes, Lee smells like a really warm, really sweet, pot of honey. It's the only thing I can possibly think to compare it to. It's DELICIOUS...whatever it is! And Lee can be really playful and 'touchy feely' when he's happy, so it lingers on me for almost an hour afterwards. Makes me wanna suck the flavor right out of my own clothes sometimes.
Anyway...I'm not focusing here!
So Lee and I actually spend a few hours goofing off, with me just kinda putting things together in my head. So, at one point, almost sore from staring at him and wanting to jump his bones for so long...I asked him, "Lee...this might sound silly, but...did you, like...put me to bed at the party?"
And he looked at me for a second with a grin, and he didn't say anything at first. So I playfully gave him a shove and asked him again. He's like, "You know...that's the second time you've asked me that question. Which makes me wonder...what do you mean by 'put you to bed'? Hehehe, what do you remember?"
It's TOTALLY Lee! I'm like, looking at him, practically trying to hold back his giggles...and I kinda shove him again. I say, "Hehehe! Why can't you just tell me???"
He's like, "Tell you what?"
And I'm like, "Just give me a straight answer! Hehehe, did you put me to bed that night or not?"
And he's all, "That depends on what happened. I don't wanna say if it was something bad. But...if it was something good...? Hehehe!" He blushed a little bit, and he was like, "Well, then I might wanna take credit."
I remember my heart beating a million miles per minute, seeing Lee's sweet lips grinning as his magical eyes looked into mine. I got rock hard in a matter of seconds, which made me really regret wearing sweatpants over to Lee's house. Which was a mistake from the very beginning, but it was Friday night...I was just thinking 'comfortable', you know? I giggled nervously, and he did the same, so I gave him another shove, and this time he pushed me back. A few little retaliations, and Lee kinda set off a bit of a wrestling match. Lee's really slim, and his clothes were thin and soft, so I could practically feel every stringy muscle of his slender body as it flexed in an attempt to overpower me. Hehehe, for someone so pretty, he's kinda strong. We were evenly matched for a while. But I was getting really REALLY hard now! I mean, Lee's face was all close to mine, and his body felt all sexy and awesome, and that scent of warm honey was all over me...so I just reached a point where I tried to lie face down on the floor to kinda hide my boner from him.
Lee got on top of me, and I swear...he was a little 'excited' down there too. So we both stopped struggling for a second, and we were breathing hard and smiling a bit, but Lee didn't get off of me. I kinda...liked having him on my back. And...the mood kinda changed, and...I squeezed my but cheeks. Hehehe, I think I kinda caught his tip in between the cheeks, and he gasped, raising his hips to pull himself free from my grip. "Hahaha, what are you doing? Freaky!" He said, but he still didn't get off of me. I turned my head to the side, and he did the same, laying his cheek on mine.
It was more than I could stand. This time, this was no playful little cute 'Lee antic' like usual. This was practically a sexual encounter with our clothes on. Why not just...'keep going', you know? Maybe it was the heat of the moment, maybe it was my desire to put an end to this kiss mystery thing once and for all...hell...maybe there was even a part of me that wanted to get back at Brandon and Stevie for having sex...but at that moment, I knew that I was actually gonna make a play for Lee. I HAD to do it. He's been teasing me for so long, and now I'm gonna take my golden opportunity and run with it.
I said, "You know....this is just the right time for sugar kisses, don't you think?"
And Lee giggled a bit and he said, "Well, now that you mention it..." And he turned his head and quickly covered my cheek with little kisses, smiling the whole time.
I squeezed my butt cheeks again, and I said, "That's it? Hehehe..." I could feel the tension thickening in the air around us, but that 'need' for him was creating an undeniable pull towards something slightly more erotic. I could almost feel the idea of the 'game' fading away, and I could clearly feel Lee starting to harden ever so slowly in his sweats behind me. I pushed myself into the floor, and Lee leaned down and gave me another kiss on the cheek. But this one was softer. Longer. And I heard him giggle nervously for a second. I was like, "Mmmm..that's it...?" This time, I said it more like a moan, and Lee hesitated for a moment. Then he leaned down and kissed my cheek again, but this time it was closer to the side of my lips. I think he was trembling now, and almost fully hard. But he stopped again.
He was like, "Billy....this....uh..." I didn't want him to think about it! Because if he starts thinking about it, then I'LL start thinking about it, and that's what has messed up every chance I've had so far of getting even THIS far with Lee! I didn't want to think about Brandon and Stevie. I didn't want to think about how Jimmy LaPlane might totally be sensing a disturbance in the force right now. I didn't want to think about how Sam and Joanna might find out about us hooking up either. I just wanted...HIM! God...I've wanted him for sooo long! And I was so hard that it hurt.
I tried to roll him off of me, and he seemed reluctant to do so. But I rolled on to my back, and Lee immediately got up and sat on the couch again. He looked straight ahead at the TV, like he was....scared of me or something. I didn't make any effort to hide my erection, and he sorta looked at it before looking back at the TV again, taking in a heavy gulp. I waited a moment or two, but I was too turned on to just let this pass. So I got up off of the floor, and I sat on the couch right next to him.
Lee closed his eyes for a second, and said, "Billy, you know...if I...I don't wanna..." He was holding back. Just like the night he kissed me. I was SURE of it!
I was like, "Shhh...it's ok. Really. Come here." I leaned over, and I kissed Lee on his neck for a few seconds. I couldn't stop myself. I wanted this. And the big tent in Lee's thin sweatpants let me know that he wanted it to. I suckled and nibbled at his neck for a few seconds, and when I took his hand and put it on my hardness...hr gripped it tightly on contact. He gave in! He actually gave in! And he turned his head, and he KISSED me!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! OMIGOD!!! I mean....OMIGOD!!!! Lee's lips are so soft and moist that I nearly creamed myself in the first few seconds! It was JUST the right pressure. JUST the right amount of spit too! And when I felt his tongue in my mouth, all the air rushed out of my lungs, and I nearly melted right there in his arms. I was leaking soooo bad, and so was he. We were actually making out! Do you understand what a LIFE CHANGING EVENT it is to make out with Lee??? The cutest boy fucking...EVER??? I could feel his breath on my cheek, and he would softly caress the side of my neck...sometimes moving his fingers up to lightly stroke the back of my ear, and then back down again. And when he pushed me back a little bit on the couch...I didn't resist. He got on top of me and we molded into one another, grinding hungrily as quiet whimpers escaped my lips. I could feel his hardness dueling with my own through the thin fabric, and I wrapped my legs around him, holding him tight against me. I let my hands grab his luscious ass and grip them as he rolled his slim hips into my groin. Lee moved his knees up a bit more, and began to hump himself into me a bit more, his back hunching up like an inchworm with every push. It was like.....wow...
Just writing this, I feel like CRYING!!! Because just as I worked my hands down the back of his sweatpants to finally place my palms on that sweet sweet ass of his...we heard a key in the lock, and Lee's mom was getting ready to come in!!!
Lee hopped off me so fast that it made me dizzy! My whole BODY ached from having to 'disengage' like that!!! And we sat side by side on the couch, breathing hard with our hair messed up, as his mom stumbled in with a few bags.
MAD??? YES! I was fucking mad! But I was also too scared to say anything! And too horny to really think straight! I could stop my heart from beating like a drum in my chest. Lee was being kinda...'normal', but I was honestly HURTING inside that I couldn't get him naked and FUCK him silly!!!!
But, once his mom had been there for a few minutes, Lee began looking for her to walk around the corner. Then he put his finger to his lips to tell me to be quiet, and he took hold of my hand to get up and follow him to his bedroom. We were BOTH hard and sticking out in front, so we had to move fast, and the second we were in the room he shut the door. Then he pressed me against the room and started kissing me again.
You know...call me crazy...but as much as I WANTED this to be the kiss that I experienced at my party...this wasn't it. I don't know...I could just tell. Not that I cared, because Lee is a MASTER at kissing! I mean, it was probably one of the most amazing kisses that I've ever had in my whole life...but...that wasn't the same one. I don't know...something was missing. Something I couldn't put my finger on. But fuck it! Who CARES??? Lee was making out with me with his MOM in the house!
We had to be really quiet...but when I tried to pull his pants down, he stopped me. He's like, "Wait, wait." And he listened for his mom, and he lowered them just down to his thighs. Never...I mean NEVER...have I seen such a mouthwatering morsel in all my life! His penis was PERFECT!!!! So Perfect! So cute and straight, and...omigod!
I got down on my knees as fast as I could, and wasted no time getting my lips on that thing! I can still TASTE him right now! But I only got a few feverish sucks in before Lee's mom started BOTHERING us by asking where we went to. I took some more sucks, licked the head, licked his balls, but it was dangerous to be doing this where we could get caught. I was about to cum in my pants just from licking him! It was almost too much to handle. My emotional involvement in all this was sooooo intense! It was like a starving man ripping into a STEAK, the way I was going at it. He had to physically PUSH me off of him!
He lifted me up, and kissed me again and again, then he whispered, "Billy, are you ok with this?"
I'm like, "Oh my GOD, yes!!!" And I French kissed him deeply on the lips!
He peeled me off of him again, and he's like, "Hold on. Um....shit!" He opened his bedroom door a bit, and then he looked back at me. He says, "Dude, what are you doing tomorrow???"
I'm like, "Nothing!"
And he says, "Look, come back tomorrow, k? She won't be here. We can...you know? But my mom is super nosey, so..." I nodded and told him that I would. But before I could leave...Lee kissed me hard on the lips again. I think he's been seriously waiting for this to happen. God knows *I* have!
I am too excited to SLEEP right now! I'm totally gonna get completely naked and have sex with the cutest boy on Earth until my fucking BONES ache!!!! I'm never gonna stop! This is going to be, like, the best weekend of my LIFE!
I'm gonna go right now! But I got to taste Lee's dick!!! I had it in my MOUTH!!!! I got to kiss those lips, grab that ass, feel him grind on me!!! Next time, I'm not wasting a single second of our time together! I'm gonna jump him the second I walk in the door!
LEE!!! Do you hear me??? LEE!!! Omigod....I've gotta get my mind off of this, or I'm gonna have to jack off again! I've already had at LEAST 4 orgasms since I've been home! And that first one, after being so 'stimulated' for so long! But I'm STILL not sleepy!
AHHHHH!!!! Maybe one more time! Just ONE more! I don't wanna be sore when I go to have sex with Lee tomorrow! Wow...you know how you sorta DREAM about something for a long time, and when you get there, it's 100 times better than what you thought it would be? Well...this is even BETTER than that! Hehehe!
You know...if Brandon can totally abandon any thought of me, then I can do the same! To hell with them! I've got myself a bonafide HOTTIE for a boyfriend now! A NEW boyfriend! A *HOT* boyfriend!!!! Or at least...I hope he'll be my boyfriend!
Nah, screw that. I'm not gonna over think this one! Jimmy said it best, it's just to feel good for right now. And if it turns out to be something more, then AWESOME! Either way, I can't WAIT to get that scrumptious piece of meat back in my mouth, and moving across the surface of my tongue again!
Shit, that's my dad! Gotta run! I'll write more tomorrow! Believe me! Hehehe!
FUCK YOU STEVIE!!!
My life is not as 'pathetic' as you wished it was, asshole!
Ps- I'm saving this list...just in case. Lee hasn't exactly given me a straight answer on this yet.
|The "Kiss Mystery" List|