- You know how you get that feeling in your stomach when you're kinda waiting for somebody to, like...show you some 'attention' or something....but it never comes? And you're kinda left looking like a scared and lonely little puppy...waiting on the front porch and jumping at every noise, hoping your 'master' is coming home to play with you at some point? Thinking the worst, and hoping to prove yourself wrong? That's kinda how I felt tonight. All DAY today, to be honest.
Sighhhh...I'm being silly. I KNOW I'm being silly! But I think that sucks worst of all...because even though I know I'm being utterly ridiculous...it doesn't make me feel ANY better at all. I've been tapping my fingers and bouncing on my heels and picking up the phone to make sure that the line is still working....stupid stuff, you know? Ugh...I should just call him and get it over with.
I guess you can tell by now...Lee didn't call me today. I mean...not that he's SUPPOSED to call me every single day, but...you know...
I mean, you kinda spend the whole weekend having hot passionate SEX with somebody...you kinda expect a little 'attention' from them the next day. I don't know. I just...I spent my whole afternoon listening for the phone, watching the driveway, checking my email...nothing. At first I was like, "Well...maybe he's not home from school yet." Then an hour passed, and I was like, "Maybe he went to a friend's house or something." But I tried to push that idea out of my mind as quickly as possible because...well...you know, I haven't figured out that whole 'Lee and Randall' situation yet. What's their deal, anyway? I'm not too keen on having some cute gay boy hanging out with, what I'm HOPING will be, my new boyfriend. I should really ask him about that later. Seriously. Just to see what the situation is between those two.
So THEN...dinner time rolls around, and I'm trying to convince myself that he's just eating with his folks, or doing some homework, or maybe he got detention...and now he's on punishment. ANYTHING other than, 'he just doesn't wanna talk to me anymore because he thinks I'm butt ugly and stupid and the fucking idiot is probably just WAITING on him to call him again because he's got nothing better to do'. But I didn't have any answers, and it was driving me CRAZY! So I tried to just get Lee off of my mind. But...then you know what happened? I talked to SAM on the phone, and he's like, "Yeah, Lee just called me like 20 minutes ago. We were playing video games online for a bit, and then he said he was sleepy so he was gonna go to bed early." WHAT?!?!?! Why the fuck is he playing video games with SAM when he should be...like...I dunno...checking to see how I was feeling? I mean...isn't that the courteous thing to do? Am I being that selfish, just asking that he keep me from losing my MIND every now and then? He didn't even bother to talk to me. Oh, but he can talk to SAM, though, is that it?
I don't know...it just bugged me is all. Maybe he'll feel like I'm worth talking to tomorrow. Or maybe he's just being...'shy' or something. Who knows? Lee can be weird sometimes. I don't wanna seem psycho and start stalking him or anything....but...I was kinda hoping that he'd be more...interested. You know?
Anyway, Sam has kinda started down that dead end road where he pretends that he's stopped caring about Joanna entirely. Total denial. I know that road well myself. It starts OFF being all, 'oh yeah, I'm completely over the love of my life'...and then it quickly turns into 'who the fuck am I *FOOLING*, I'm fucking MISERABLE!' But for the sake of him being able to keep up the appearance of not caring...I played right along with him. Besides, once he finds out that Joanna's sneaking around with somebody else...it's gonna crush him completely. Like an over ripened tomato. There's nothing like having your special someone going off to be with someone 'else'.
Which is a dagger in the back when I think about Brandon and Stevie.
A dagger in the STOMACH when I realize that I'm guilty of the same thing with what happened with Bobby Jinette.
Which brings me to what happened today....
When I got to school this morning, Brandon and Stevie were two of the first people that I saw as I walked into the building. And even though Brandon made an effort to ignore me once our eyes connected...Stevie was doing just the opposite. He kept smiling at me. To the point where Brandon had to actually 'nudge' him in the side and try to get him to stop instigating a conflict and play nice. Brandon's not stupid...he knows when someone is pushing someone else's buttons on purpose.
But the BIG upset came when they walked past me, and Stevie lewdly licked the surface of his top teeth in front of me. And he was like, "Make out with anybody lately? Those pretty lips of yours certainly do get around, don't they?"
Which was like....What the FUCK???????
I did see Brandon flash him a dirty look for even TALKING to me as they walked past, but...still....it HURT!!!
I mean, does Stevie know what happened in that bedroom that night??? Does he know that I made out with someone else? Someone who WASN'T Brandon? It made me think about things....and I'm just...I thinking...was it him telling Brandon about me that caused him to finally give in to having sex with Stevie?
UGH!!!! FUCK!!!! I STILL fucking HATE thinking of my Brandon being naked and sexy with that asshole! And yet, I can't get rid of the idea of the two of them together. I mean...I keep having these really smoking hot sexual thoughts of them together...and it BOTHERS me....but at the same time, it's really...'sexy'. You know? Am I sick for that? Imagining someone I love getting it on with someone else behind my back? Arrrgh! I don't want Brandon wrapping those long smooth legs around anybody else but me. Sharing those sweet kisses..rubbing noses...sighhh! God....this hurts soooooo much!
Anyway, the way Stevie winked at me...I got this really weird sick feeling in my stomach. I don't think I put it in this book, and I don't really REMEMBER it too well...but I think I DO remember talking to Stevie that night after I was already drunk. I mean...there's this big missing piece of the puzzle that happened between my big fight with Brandon, and some stranger putting me to bed and sticking his tongue in my mouth. And while remembering little bits and pieces of Simon getting his first blowjob from his girlfriend...I have this really HAZY memory of Stevie kinda flashing me that exact same bullshit smile at the party. And...hard as I try...I can't remember why.
But the thought stuck with me. All day. What if.....what if I....? I couldn't. I wouldn't! Not in a million years! FUCK Stevie!!! Fucking ASSHOLE!!!
Still....just for humor's sake...I'm adding him to the list of possibilities. At least until my mind straightens itself out a bit! But I fucking HATE it though! And I hate HIM!!!! I'm putting 'GRRRRR!!!' next to his name! Fucking dick!
Oh...and Bobby Jinette.....sighhhh. I'm right back where I started with him again. He's SOOOOO in love with me! WHY??? What the hell did I do to become so special? I'm trying not to hurt him, but he just keeps PUSHING with every word he says to me. It's like he's trying to FORCE me to love him! And I just...I can't! Jesus...I need to set him up so he can stop guilt tripping me into having feelings for him that....just aren't there. I'm SORRY! It's NOT that Bobby Jinette isn't cute and awesome, because he IS! He's just not...for 'me', you know? We'd be miserable together outside of the long hours of HOT passionate ass sex!!! Which....GOD....would be a true BLESSING right about now! I'm soooo horny! But...call me weird if you want to...I kinda want something more. I don't know what it IS but...something's missing with him. Emotionally, I mean. I mean...after experiencing something really...'REAL' with Brandon....everything else seems so.....'lesser than'! You know? I'd have to be balls deep in Bobby's super tight, deliciously round, succulent ass, to really feel a true connection with him at all. But Brandon? Sighhh...he could just smile at me from across a crowded room and get the same effect. Even BETTER, in fact! Just hearing his voice is enough to make me want to dance in front of the rest of the whole world! He doesn't even have to be CLOSE to me to make me feel like the whole world belongs to us both! Heheheh! And I just....I miss that feeling. You know? I really miss that.....
And why the fuck hasn't Lee bothered to CALL me yet????? FUCK!!! Well FINE then! I'm not gonna talk to him until he decides to care about me again! I'm not gonna be a sucker! I wanna feel sexy and needed and loved TOO! I'm not chasing him all over town while he's playing games and ignoring me! So I'll just sit right here and WAIT! That's what I'll do. I'll WAIT!
I'm gonna go now! Homework! And my Dad is being all frustrated and shit! He's treating me like a prisoner again. I can't WAIT until this punishment is over and I can go home! This is just getting to be stupid now!
Seeya later! And Stevie....I swear, I'm gonna gargle with BLEACH if it turns out that YOU were the one that kissed me on the lips that night! I highly doubt it, but the fact that he's even a SUSPECT makes me wanna VOMIT! Blechhhh!!!
|The "Kiss Mystery" List|