Why won't he call me??? Why is Lee suddenly being so 'distant' with me? We used to talk, and flirt on the phone, and he'd send me cute little emails with smiley faces in them. We used to go to the jellybean factory, and he'd invite me over to watch movies and go to the mall. What happened????
I was soooooo HAPPY! But he just....took all of his cuteness and all of that emotion and he just....he 'shut it off'. Like a switch. And I don't know what I did to suddenly...not matter to him anymore. I mean...was it the sex? Did he not LIKE it? *I* liked it! I want MORE! I want to have sex with him ALL THE TIME! Every day of the week, if I could! But...I don't know...maybe he doesn't. Or maybe he just doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. I mean...me? I could so totally fall head over heels for Lee if he'd let me. But maybe he won't. Maybe he can't. Whatever he's thinking about me...I wish he'd just TELL me already!
Oh God....what have I done? Look at me! All this supposed 'growth' and 'wisdom' as far as boys are concerned...and here I am, right back here I was with AJ when we dated. With me waiting by the phone...wondering what's wrong with ME instead of just...trying to think clearly about what's really going on.
Who knows? It just hurts to think about Lee right now. I feel like I've been totally DUMPED! And you have no idea how much it hurts that he didn't even have the heart to tell me to my face that he didn't wanna talk to me anymore. Like...like he could just 'forget' about me and go on with his day like nothing happened between us. How can he DO that? Because I think about him every second of every DAY! I can't even SLEEP without thinking about his kiss, or his touch, or...hell, even his SMILE! Ugh!
I'm gonna stop now. I'm depressing myself again. I kinda wanna call him or send him an email...but if he's, like, trying to avoid me or whatever...that's just gonna be awkward and weird. And I'm gonna end up feeling like some kind of 'pest' that's forcing him to feel obligated to talk to me. And I don't want that. I just want...I want what I thought I had.
Somebody special...that needed me as much as I need him.
Whatever. I'll deal.
Anyway, I had bad experience with Brandon today as he was going to the cafeteria for lunch. I'm surprised his 'emo parasite' wasn't clinging to him like a leech at Summer camp...but I guess he was just gonna meet him there. I don't know what made me do it, but I was just compelled to at least offer him an apology for everything that happened. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to do any good, but..if nothing else it'll keep me from being that one memory from high school that he wiped clean from his mind forever. I kinda...wanted him to remember me as someone that...even though I fucked it all up...once made him happy.
Silly logic, huh?
So I approached him, and was like, "Brandon? Can...can we talk for a second? JUST a second."
He was already rolling his eyes before the first words even left my mouth. But at least he wasn't turning his back on me to walk away. So when he sighed and leaned against the wall to let me speak, I felt a shiver of excitement. I didn't let it show though.
He's like, "We really don't have a whole lot to talk about, Billy. Honestly, it's a waste of time for either one of us to keep trying to fix this. It's broken. For GOOD. I mean, what do you really want from me at this point?"
And I said, "All I want is for you to listen to me. I'm not trying to...'fix' anything. I mean, I know you totally hate me right now, and probably always will. And that...sucks, but...I'm willing to deal with that as long as you allow me to apologize for what I did."
He's all like, "WHY?" He looked so...hurt when he said it. Brandon always had the kind of eyes that could make you CRY whenever they were filled with pain.
I didn't have an answer, but I said, "Look...I said some things at my party..."
He interrupted and said, "You said a LOT of things at your party!"
I'm like, "I KNOW, ok? And I'm SORRY! I'm SOOOO sorry, Brandon! I regret every word!"
But he's just like, "And I'm supposed to just forget everything because you regret it? I'm not really interested in swallowing my pain to make you feel better."
I told him, "C'mon...I....I was DRUNK! For the first time EVER! I just...I lost my head."
Brandon's all, "That's not an excuse, Billy. I'm sorry, but it's not. As far as I'm concerned...being drunk just gave you the courage you needed to tell me how you really felt about me." And then, before I could even defend myself, he said, "Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm having lunch with my boyfriend."
Maybe it was a jolt of anger, or just the sting of rejection...but with a clenched fist, I said, "So you got somebody else to get naked with now...I guess that's all you really needed."
Brandon turned around angrily and asked me, "What did you say?"
I'm like, "You heard me. I guess Stevie 'sealed the deal' now, huh? Congratulations." Why why WHY was I pushing this??? Was it, like...some kinda teen testosterone thing? Wanting to square off with my ex-boyfriend? Deep down, I think I loved him more than ever. Even ANGRY, he was the prettiest boy in school.
Brandon scoffed at me, and shook his head. He's like, "You know what? That is SO not your business." Then what REALLY hurt was when he said, "You know...sex can really be something special...when you don't have to SHARE." And he left me standing there...feeling like my heart had just been stabbed with a butcher knife, and twisted for good measure. To make SURE that it would never beat again.
He really isn't coming back to me, is he? :(
Brandon's gone, and Lee doesn't want me. Maybe Bobby Jinette is the only person on the planet who thinks enough of me to actually WANT to be around me. I talked to him a bit today in gym class, and he's still all goofy eyed and giggly about possibly getting another chance to be with me again. And I mean...it was kinda flattering, you know? He showed me some attention today, and I just really needed that. He even called me at my Dad's house tonight after he finished his homework...just to hear my voice. After Brandon's rejecting me so badly, Bobby's affection felt good. And since Lee doesn't want to talk to me...Bobby's infatuation just filled in the void they left behind.
I'll be honest...I thought about it tonight. Going over to Bobby's house and just...'giving in', you know? I mean, what am I holding out for? Every time I go after someone that I'm madly in love with...it turns out to be a load of heartbreaking bullshit that I'm just not strong enough to deal with over and over again. I can't take being...tossed aside for something better. Maybe I should just try going after somebody who loves ME for a change? Maybe I'll get what I'm looking for.
Who needs these thoughts, you know?
I've gotta run. I'm calling my mom tonight. Just to say hello. Sighhhh...I'l just bet she's enjoying having the house all to herself right now. No stupid 'Billy Chase' hanging around to cause trouble.
At this rate...I might end up staying here with my dad forever.
Ps- Too bad, Lee. We really could have been something together. I would have done ANYTHING for you....
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