"Billy Chase #216"

- Has the pain in my heart been mellowed out at all since yesterday? Ummm....well....not really. Although...I've been seriously confused about something.

Now, I have actually been going into SEVERE 'Lee' withdrawal since this past weekend! I mean...his body, and his scent, and his taste (Oh GOD...his TASTE!!!)...you CAN'T just share a few MAJOR sexual experiences with Lee and then just 'forget' about them. My body has been CRAVING him from the second we both got dressed again! I mean...wow! It's LEE we're talking about here! And even if he doesn't wanna be with me...I just can't shut off the involuntary feelings of EXTREME obsession that I have for him now! Ever since our first touch...I've been aching for another one. And another one. And ANOTHER one. I think about him, dream about him, jerk off over him, ALL THE TIME!!! He's the sexiest thing I've ever had in my life except for Brandon. And now, being away from him kinda...'hurts', you know?

But....I'm still slightly confused.

See...Lee sent me an email tonight after dinner. And he wasn't online when I got it so I couldn't really...'talk' to him about it. But...he sent it. Which means that he was definitely 'thinking' about me. But....like....I don't know what it means.

Ok, so what he sent was all 'friendly' and happy and...just like normal, every day, 'Lee', you know? It was really.....sighhhh...it was really cute and all....but it wasn't any different from the emails he used to send before we were having...you know....sex.

It was like this...'buddy buddy' email where he asked me about hanging out and just watching movies or whatever tomorrow....and I was kinda disappointed. Does that make me a bad person? I mean...am I a deviate of some kind? Honestly...me and Brandon didn't have sex THAT often. And even though AJ and Bobby were MUCH more sexual in all of our meetings together...I'm starting to think that maybe I'm a bit of a nymphomaniac or something. I mean, cause...I want SOOOOOO much more sex than what I'm getting right now! It's getting to the point where it's all I think about!

I don't wanna be a pervert or anything, and I'd never wanna 'push' Lee into something he didn't want to do. But.....UGH! I WANT it! And now that I look back on all of the boys I've been with so far...I realize that I might have been a bit more 'demanding' than I wanted to be with them too. Except for AJ of course. But even THEN....I would have given him all the sex he could handle and MORE if he hadn't cheated on me and wasn't constantly asking for me to give up my 'hole' for his enjoyment.

I just....I still can't figure out what I'm doing wrong! Everything seems so backwards right now. And even though Lee FINALLY wrote to me to give me SOME kind of hint that he wasn't completely disgusted by me...I still can't tell whether or not he wants to, like....BE with me. You know? I'm getting this sinking feeling in my gut that he just wants to be friends now. No affection, no passionate little notes. Just..'hey, let's hang out'. And I have to be honest here....after finally getting an official lick off of the mouthwateringly DELICIOUS 'forbidden fruit'...I'm not too keen on going back to worshipping him from a distance again. I just.....I wouldn't know how to restrain myself anymore.

Anyway, like I said, he asked if I could come over and just...I don't know....'pal around' for a while. And...you know....I had to ask myself...

Do I really just wanna smile and play around and pretend that I don't want his hot and sexy body with every INCH of my sense of self control??? Can I handle that level of restraint? When he asked me, I wondered....should I even bother to say yes?

But then....yeah...

Of *COURSE* I said yes!!!!

I've been waiting for two whole DAYS to hear from him again, and my addiction was SERIOUSLY enthralled with the idea that hanging out and spending time with Lee just MIGHT lead to more sex!!! I JUMPED at the chance to be with him again! As mad and hurt as I was, it was like it slipped right out of my mind the second I saw his name in my inbox. God...I still can't believe I slept with Lee. That's totally blowing my mind right now!

Now...don't get me wrong....me and Lee can do MORE than just have hot nakey passionate sex over and over again at his house...with his long, smooth, legs wrapped around me as I suck on his tongue as hard as I can. (Ahem...getting carried away here...) But for right now...that just feels like it's what I really NEED from him! God...he's so HOT!!! It's hard to think about anything else sometimes!

Anyway...enough about that. That'll go on tomorrow's update, I'm sure. TODAY, however....wow...

I ran into Trace this morning, and you know what he said? He was like, "You wanna know something? I don't have any detention today. Like, at all. I don't even think I know what to do with the rest of my afternoon now." Which is kinda funny, because I always kinda see Trace 'haunting' the hallways of the school more than going to any actual classes in that place. I'd imagine it would make it hard to stay out of trouble when you're never in class. Then again, I'd imagine it would be hard to GET INTO trouble when you're never in class.

I'm like, "Do you think you're ready for life on the 'outside', soldier? Hehehe!"

And he says, "I don't know, dude. I may go back to my wicked ways." Then he added, "Speaking of total wicked relapses...when is round two of 'Justin Vs. The Bottle'? I'd kinda like to be around for it."

I said, "Ha! Yeah...I don't think there's gonna be a round two. Like...ever. Alcohol pretty much screwed up my life with round one alone."

Trace giggled in the cutest way, and he looked at me with just....this look. You know? I can't explain it. And he says, "I'm pretty sure, from what I remember...that you didn't do anything that you didn't already want to do." And he smiled, like, "I kinda liked it, personally. Too many people are afraid to be themselves these days. Like....go for what they want." Then he's like, "What they need." And I was a bit confused at first, but before it could really click for me, he said, "Well, let me know if you change your mind. My old man always keeps a few drinks around the house. Maybe, if I can keep up this whole 'no detention' thing for a while...you and me can get together at my house. I'll take care of ya, it should be fun."

Trace is really CUTE when he talks like that. Or maybe that's all in my head. I'm like, "Ummm...k." STOP IT, Billy! Possible boyfriend here! This is EXACTLY what happened with Bobby Jinette! I get all anxious and horny and while I'm waiting for the big fish to come around and pay me some attention...I go sneaking off and getting into a whole other boatload of trouble. Well, I'm gonna learn my lesson this time. FIRST...I see where I stand with Lee...THEN I start contemplating whether or not I should be getting into anything with any other boys. Because if Lee wants to be a steady boyfriend, then the rest of the world be damned.

'Interesting' moment with Simon today outside of the main library today. Him and Melanie were still hand in hand and giving each other little pecks on the cheek. It was the cutest thing EVER. I don't think I've ever seen Simon so.....so normal before. He was always this geeky little boy that used to walk with his head down, hoping not to be noticed as he scurried by like your average house spider. Now he's all confident and cute and stuff. I like it. Melanie's effect on him shows in everything he does. I walked over to say hello as she was leaving, and Simon could just tell by the smile on my face that I was sooo proud of him. He blushed instantly.

He was like, "C'mon...stop it. Hehehe, don't say it."

I'm like, "Awwwwwww...." And he nearly slugged me in the arm for it. He really is happy. I wonder what else they've been getting up to these days? I mean if...like...they've actually done the deed yet. They were certainly heading in that direction.

Don't remember what I said to him about them spending time alone, but Simon's reply was, "At least I'm not running past you with my pants down like last time." And we both giggled about it, even though, deep down I WISH I could have seen him all....naked, and hard, and WET!!! Arrrrgh! Damn you, Lee! Now I'm horny for everybody that I even TALK to! I need some sex, and soon! Anyway, Simon remembered what we were talking about last week, and he asked me, "Say, did you ever find out about the guy who put you to bed at your party?"

I did think about it for a moment or two, but tried to push my curiosity out of my mind. I said, "Sighhh...no. But, you know...I mean, maybe it's just not that important anymore. Maybe it never was." It sounded like such a LIE coming from me. But it was what I had to believe. At least for now. I told him, "It's ok though. I'm happy too. Just like you. Hehehe!"

Then Simon said something that caught my attention. "Yeah well you pretty happy THAT night too. Hahaha! I'm surprised the other guy was able to hold you up, you were both so smashed."

I was like, "Wait...what? Say that again?"

And he asked me, "What? About you being happy?"

And I'm like, "No. You said...wait...so me AND the other guy were both drunk?"

And Simon answered, "What? Didn't I say that before?" I shook my head, and he says, "Oh. Well, yeah, but he was much better off than you were. Trust me."

Now THAT little tidbit sent me back to my list. I just couldn't leave it alone. Because I, for one, know for a FACT that Bobby Jinette doesn't drink. Like...at all. I know because we talked about it before. Which pretty much takes him off of the list. But I called to make sure first though. Just in case. After all...I didn't drink either before that party.

THAT was an awkward conversation...with Bobby totally thinking that I was calling just to chat and be all lovey dovey with him before dinner time the whole time. You know...I wonder if Bobby sits at home by the phone and desperately waits for me to write or call the way I do for Lee.

It took about 25 minutes of so-called 'casual' conversation before I was able to slip the whole idea into our talk and still be subtle about it. Basically starting with, "Dude, I was so trashed. I'm never gonna touch alcohol again. That's like a demon in a bottle."

And Bobby said, "Yeah, don't I know it."

Which ALMOST made me think that maybe he had been drinking after all. But I didn't wanna guess at something like this. I wanted to know for sure. I had my doubts about Bobby, but I'd feel better just knowing for certain that he wasn't the one that kissed me that night. Ugh...I'm right back into this whole 'Kiss Mystery' thing again, aren't I? Sighhh...I should have just left it alone when I had the chance.

Anyway, I said, "Did you have a lot to drink too that night?"

And YES!!!! Bobby gave me the answer I was looking for!!! He was like, "Drink what?"

And I was all, "Any alcohol. You know."

And Bobby says, "Hehehe, Billy, you know I don't drink alcohol. At least not yet. Besides, I'm laffy taffy enough without it." And that allowed me to promptly take his name from the list. Then again, even though Bobby was a suspect, we had been together enough times where I knew Bobby's hungry kiss like the back of my hand. I mean, yeah, he worshipped me as though I was the last beautiful boy on Earth....but he NEVER kissed me like this other boy kissed me. Never.

NOW the big question is....who else got drunk at that party?

I keep looking over my list, and unfortunately, Bobby was the only one that I could take off of it. I KNOW Randall was drinking. I Know Sam was drinking too....although, I don't know why I even put Sam ON this stupid list. He's so heartbroken over Joanna that it's unlikely that he'd be the one. Jamie was drinking at that party, but he hardly seems like one to get all the way 'drunk', you know? He's too...sighhh....he's too pretty to get drunk. BUT...Trace was drinking. And Trace knows HOW to drink. And he's evidently had some practice with it, right? So he'd take care of me and not be as screwy in the head when it came time to put me to bed. Wait...then again...Randall has been pretty damn 'well practiced' himself, hasn't he. Hmmm...maybe I should check the both of them out this weekend to see what happens. I need to know what they're thinking.

The SAD thing is....Stevie was drinking a little bit at that party too. But I'm not gonna really pay him any mind until the very LAST minute! Because I'm fucking hoping he steps out in front of an armored tank and gets squashed to death! Arrogant fucker!

I've gotta go. I'll write more later!

Hope I can get to sleep. A lot on my mind. Maybe Lee can help me relieve some tension tomorrow afternoon.

- Billy

The "Kiss Mystery" List


~Bobby Jinette~



Jamie Cross


~Jimmy LaPlane~




Stevie (GRRRRR!!!)