"Billy Chase #218"

- Sometimes...you hold on to a dream for so very long...that when it finally comes time to learn the truth, it's almost impossible to let go.

I don't know why I feel so hurt inside. I should have expected this from day one. In fact, I TOLD myself not to hold out for something so STUPID! But...after today, I now know how much emotion I really had invested in a fantasy that was never meant to be.

Well...I scratched another name off of my list today. Slowly...but I had to do it. I was forced to buck up and just take the hit as it was delivered to me. I can now say, beyond the shadow of a doubt....that Jamie Cross was NOT the boy who kissed me at my party. And the reason why I know this...is even worse than the fact that I'll never be able to have him. Not ever.

It was right after my first class today, and I was already tired and cranky because sleeping on that fold out bed was just more than I could stand, so I just left it folded up and slept on the couch instead. So now I have a kink in my neck and shoulders, and my feet feel all weird and swollen from having my legs hang over the edge all night long. But seeing Jamie Cross heading my way with a smile on his face, just brightened my day right up without any effort on his part whatsoever. I kinda needed that.

Believe it or not, Jamie actually thinks that I was avoiding him or something. He was like, "Listen...dude, we're ok, you and me, right?"

And I'm like, "Of course we are! Jamie, what would make you think we weren't cool?"

And he says, "Well, you haven't really talked to me that much at all this whole week. And I thought maybe you were upset with me or something." As if I could have actually been 'upset' with Jamie Cross. I've been in love with that boy my whole LIFE...being upset isn't really an option for me concerning him.

I told him, "I'm sorry. I guess I've just had stuff on my mind lately. Trying to figure some things out. That's all."

Jamie kinda patted me on the back and seemed relieved. Which made me sorta squirm a little bit. Having him touch me was a thrill I have to prepare myself for. He can't just...like...'do it' without warning me first. You know?

Then he says, "I'm glad. I mean...I know that things might be a little weird after what happened after your birthday party, but the main thing that I want to be sure of is that you and I can still be friends, Billy."

I won't lie to you...those few words nearly caused my freaking HEART to stop beating. I thought the whole world had come to a screeching halt! I actually entertained the idea that it was Jamie Cross' hot fucking lips pressed against mine in the dark, and that my hand was slowly stroking his hardness through his pants as his tongue entered my mouth. I was like, "After my party?" I didn't even know how to react. Or how I WOULD react to the next few words that were going to come out of his mouth.

Then he says, "Yeah. I guess it's a tricky thing to work out, but I didn't wanna come off as some kind of jerk or something. It's just something that happened." I was a bit confused, but still trying to wrap my mind around the thought that I'd be able to kiss Jamie Cross and get away with it. That didn't even seem...SANE. Then Jamie goes, "I know that Sam's your best friend and all, and I don't want him to hate me for it. And I know that you guys used to date and all..."

Huh? I was like, "Used to date? Me and Sam?"

Jamie laughed at me. "Hehehe, no, weirdo! You and Joanna!" My eyes popped open, and I think he caught on. "You...didn't know Joanna and I were dating? Aww, dude...wow. I'm sorry." Joanna's new boyfriend is...JAMIE 'FUCKING' CROSS??? What the....what the HELL???

It was....heartbreaking. I felt like I had the ground snatched from under my feet. A part of me was just...so lost at that moment. I watched a long time childhood dream of mine get shattered with just a few sentences...spoken through the lips that I've been longing to taste since I first laid eyes on him. Jamie Cross was...'normal'. He was something that I would never be. We were...God, I can't believe that I'm about to write this down...we're completely incompatible.

And then, on top of THAT...he's with my best friend's girl. I mean...I don't know if Sam even KNOWS about this yet or not, but what the hell do I say to him when he finds out his ex-girlfriend, who he's still in love with, is dating a GOD??? I mean, hands down, the hottest male creature walking the face of the Earth. There's no coming back from that. There's no winning her heart when Jamie Cross is involved. So he's basically breaking BOTH of our hearts by dating the one girl who...well, broke both of our hearts. How screwed up is that?

God, I hope I don't have to be the one to tell Sam about this. I hope he learns it from somebody else entirely. I don't have the heart to do it. I really wonder if he knows already. Ugh! I wonder if he blames me for having that damn party in the first place and inviting both of them to it so they could meet. He's gonna think that I like...'set this up' or something. No. No he wouldn't do that. Well...aw, shit, I don't know. But Sam is going to be heartbroken beyond belief when he finds out. I'm just stepping out of that situation for a little while and hope that things work themselves out without me being in the middle of it.

Although...I just know my conscience is gonna get the best of me sooner or later, and I'm probably gonna end up sitting Sam down and telling him myself. Let's just hope I get lucky before that happens.

So, with great regret, and a sad heart....I am officially taking Jamie Cross' name off of the list. It literally 'hurt' me to scratch it out. But...ah well...at least I'm closer to figuring out who it was. Not many suspects left.

Then again, it's just for curiosity's sake. I've already got Lee, and we're building something together that I hope will one day be something really special. I mean, we talked on the phone for like 2 hours tonight. It was awesome! Lee knows how to make me laugh, even when times are bad. Not only did we kinda discuss the Joanna and Jamie situation a bit more in detail...but...he kinda told me that he wants to see me again tomorrow. He said it was just so we could hang out at the mall, but he made sure to add, "Then maybe we can just come back over to my house for a while, and...like, watch some TV or play some games or something." And I TOTALLY knew that he was not looking to play video games or watch TV. Hehehe, but hey, I can definitely get into having another long Saturday afternoon of hot passionate sex with my new boyfriend! Who am I to complain.

Just as well. Especially since I kinda came across Brandon and Stevie in the halls this morning, and I made sure that I was hidden well enough in the crowd so that they wouldn't see me. But one thing I noticed was that Stevie was putting his books in and taking folders out of Brandon's locker. I mean...they're all moved in together now? What the hell? Brandon never moved ME into his locker before.

Whatever. I'm not gonna let it bother me. In fact, I'm not even gonna write about this anymore.

So...tomorrow morning, Lee, and super hot sex at his house. And then, Randall left me an email, but I'll answer it later. He's seems awfully desperate to wanna get to know me all of a sudden. I'll get to him when I've got more time to figure out what his angle is. Freaky.

Gotta run. Later.


The "Kiss Mystery" List


~Bobby Jinette~



~Jamie Cross~


~Jimmy LaPlane~




Stevie (GRRRRR!!!)