- I had a...weird conversation with my dad today. And now....ugh...now I feel like a jerk. Guilt trips suck. Especially the 'subliminal' ones.
It's been almost three weeks since my mom dropped off on my dad's doorstep as punishment for what happened with my birthday party. Since then I've felt like a stranger in this house...away from my mom, away from Sam, away from everything that felt even remotely familiar about my own neighborhood. About my life. About...'home'. If you had told me two weeks ago that my mom was softening up to the idea of me coming home again...I would clicked my heels in mid air and practically would have broken my NECK racing down those stairs to pack my things to go. But...as much as I didn't like staying here...I was kinda beginning to adapt to the surroundings. I guess I was kinda forced to, but still...I think my dad was actually beginning to 'enjoy' spending time with me.
He was like, "I talked to your mother, and she wants to talk to you about maybe getting your act together and coming back home. But she's not going to tolerate any more games from you, Billy. Do you understand?" He was trying to be 'firm' about it...but I could tell that something was...I don't know...touching on a tender spot on him or something. Then he says, "I know that...you'd probably rather live with your mom, but...you know that you're always welcome to stay here with me. You know that, right?"
It was awkward. Because...I kinda...didn't. But how do you say something like that to your own dad? I mean really...he looked so 'almost hurt'. I was like, "Um...ok." Which wasn't an answer, but it wasn't a complete rejection either. Then I was like, "I kinda have to go. Lee and I are supposed to go to the mall today." And I tried my best to use that as an escape route.
My dad said it was alright, then he added, "Don't stay too late. Come back for dinner." I was hoping that would be the end of the conversation, but my dad stopped me at the back door and said, "This thing with you moving back home, it's completely your decision. Ok? It's all up to you to make the choice, and whatever you want...it's ok with me." Arrrgh! I doubt he meant that. I could already see what road this was taking, and I just wanted to run from it as fast as my legs could carry me.
I mean...should I feel really GUILTY about this? About leaving him? I mean...yah, I'm here at his house, but it was meant as a PUNISHMENT. It was supposed to be about rules and regulations and 'straightening me out'. Isn't that what he said? Isn't what they BOTH said? I don't wanna feel obligated to stay here longer just for his sake. It's his fault that our family is broken and existing in two places in the first place. Why should I pay for it?
Sighhh...then again...he's still my father. I still love him. And as much as going home appealed to me at that moment...I almost contemplated staying for a bit longer. Just to make my dad feel better. Geez, the shit I get myself into.
Lee and I did it again today. Kinda what I expected. But the few orgasms I had today were like...WOW! Something about them were just stronger than usual. Lee knows exactly how to do me just right. Sensual and sexy and sticky and sweet....he might just be the best I've ever had. Or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me because he's....so goddamn BEAUTIFUL!!! Seriously! Sometimes I look at the soft smooth features of his face, and the thin kissable texture of his lips, and the 'wet' glossy shine of his eyes...and I can't believe that he's even sitting there next to me. NAKED, no less! And HARD! Ready for more! All I have to do is reach over and give him a stroke, and I can have him, body and soul. That's still so surreal to me.
Anyway, we did go to the mall, and we had a discussion about the whole Joanna and Jamie Cross issue...which I STILL can't believe! All I can think about is Joanna giving Sam a blowjob on his back porch that one night...and imagined what it would be like to watch her do that to Jamie Cross. Like...what would he taste like? I imagine that it would be like sucking on one of those vanilla pixie sticks without anything else on it. But warmer...and softer...and much much longer.
Sorry...I was going off track there for a second, wasn't I? 'Earth to Billy Chase....don't go there!'
Apparently, Joanna meeting him was an accident. I guess one of Jamie Cross' cute friends smokes, and he had to step outside in the driveway to light up a cigarette, and Jamie just went with him to continue their conversation and hang out for a bit. Then, when Joanna and Sam had their big falling out at the party, she stormed out of the front door crying and ran into him. Jamie, I guess just being a good guy, stopped her and tried to figure out what was going on with her, and when she gave him the super abridged version that her and Sam had broken up...he offered to walk her home. Just to make sure that she got there safely. And they talked, and he did all he could to give her a shoulder to lean on...one thing led to another...supposedly this big, epic, kiss happened...and now, poof, they're an item. I can't believe that it was that easy to win Jamie Cross' heart. But I guess...when you click with somebody, it just kinda 'happens'. Who's to say they're wrong, you know?
Doesn't make me any less jealous though.
Not that it took anything away from me slurping and sucking on my new boyfriend's hot succulent rod all afternoon long. You know how people describe having their mouth water for someone's sexy flavor? Well mine really did. I was literally salivating the whole time I was with him. Like...to the point where I kept getting boners in the mall. Hehehe! It was CRAZY! The only thing is...Lee is like...too cool to really go for that holding hands and mushy stuff in public. Which is fine with me. I'm not out of the closet anyway, so it's not like I could make out with him at the bus stop or something.
Ok...I'm *NOT* complaining!!! Lee's awesome! He is!
But...somehow, I couldn't stop thinking that Brandon might have shown me a little more affection. Not really in a physical way. Not actual kisses and hugs. I never had to ask Brandon to please not 'grope' me in the middle of the food court. But...the affection was all in the way he looked at me. It was all in the way the tone of his voice would soften when he got a flirtatious impulse and just went with it. There was something sensual about it that was very subtle, but it drew a definite line in the sand between us being 'buddies' and us being 'boyfriends'. I think I liked the sexier side of Lee a lot more than this...friendly...almost 'sterile' version of a pal that he's become. You know? Does that sound as awful as it looks?
Don't get me wrong, Lee more than made up for it once we got to his house and had some privacy. He totally rocked my world today. I just...I feel like something is missing. Something sexy and intimate that used to be there before...and now it's not anymore.
I'm crazy, aren't I? Here I am...with the sexiest boy in the world...and he's constantly giving me the orgasms that LEGENDS are made of every chance he gets...and here I am complaining about shy giggles and holding hands. Stupid.
I don't know. I think I need a freakin' CAT Scan!
I've gotta run. I wanna finish my homework for the weekend early so I can maybe go back to Lee's tomorrow. I can't get enough of him on the weekends. And my mouth is already beginning to water again. Hehehe, mmmm, tasty!
Write more later...
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