- One day he's down, the next day he's fine! I don't fucking get it! I'm talking, of course, about Jimmy LaPlane. He came in to class all shits and giggles again today, and I'm seriouly starting to wonder if even HE knows beforehand how he's going to feel on any particular day. He was even talking and laughing with people that he never would have talked to before. People who usually watch from the sidelines as he gets picked on and beaten up by the bigger kids. They usually just shrug their shoulders and keep walking, but now they were acting like he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. It was a weird thing to see, them actually accepting him as an actual 'person' for a change, and I didn't exactly know how to take it at first. So, I made sure to say hello to Jimmy twice today to let him know that I wasn't just being nice to him for the sake of doing it. It wasn't a 'one time' thing, not for me. I even offered to 'make things up to him' for ditching him on Friday so we could hang out or something. He seemed to really like that idea. You would have thought that a celebrity was coming to his house or something the way that he smiled after I suggested it. I have to admit...it made me feel good. So tomorrow's the day I go over to Jimmy's. I'll make sure to remember it. Besides, it'll be Friday, and I don't think I have to worry about SIMON coming over anymore. Sighhhhh.....not after what I did.
You know, the more I think about it, the more it hurts. I just feel so damn stupid for pushing things so far with Simon last week. It wasn't ME! It was the hormones, I SWEAR!!! Have you ever wanted somebody so badly that you're almost ready to fucking CRY over them??? I've been there many times myself, and Simon was the first real 'possibility' that I've ever had in that concern. Or at least the first one I ever considered. I can't BELIEVE that I screwed that shit up!
Sam was still being a bit weird today, and he's being incredibly grumpy these days. So when Joanna offered to let me eat with her and her friends today at lunch, I gladly accepted. I suppose it was just one of those days when I didn't have the strength to listen to him gripe and groan for 40 minutes while eating a bland, tasteless, square of school lasagna. It was weird sitting at the 'girl's' table, you know? I don't think I ever have before. It's always been me and the fellas, learning how to curse at each other and shoving straws up our noses. The vibe at this table was completely different, and the only other boy there was the boyfriend of another girl. And when I say the 'only' other boy, that's exactly what I mean. He almost looked as trapped as I had felt when Joanna first said that she liked me. He seemed to exist only as part of a couple, nothing more, and he was so quiet at that table that I didn't try to make much conversation with him. Just a few smiles between us, and the shared knowledge that we had both been 'assimilated' into an entirely new method of living. Weird.
Anyway, we made plans to go to the mall again on Saturday. I think it was their weekend hang out or something, and it would be cool to have a 'tradition' by going with them. Besides, I'm kinda curious to see if that mysterious 'gay boy' will be there again. I like watching him, even if it's from a distance. He's a totally new experience for me. He excites me, you know?
That's all for now. I'm going to Jimmy's tomorrow directly from school, so I won't be writing until later on tomorrow night. Cool? Adios!
- You wanna know something? I am now completely convinced that the old addage 'you can't judge a book by its cover' rings true in every possible way. I finally took my first trip over to Jimmy LaPlane's house this afternoon, not knowing WHAT kind of strange world that I was going to find behind the boy everybody loved to pick on. I half expected it to be the house of a serial killer, or at least a major nerd. But...there wasn't anything weird about him or his house at all. His room was exceptionally clean for a kid our age, but other than that, he wasn't HALF as much of a 'space cadet' as I expected him to be. Just being there was a special thing for the both of us. Jimmy had this offbeat dry sense of humor that most people wouldn't catch unless they were really paying attention. And I guess....they weren't. Me included. He could really slide a few choice comments past you if you didn't stay on your toes, and I wouldn't catch it unless he started grinning at me. I think this was the first time I ever took the opportunity to absorb his personality fully, and I liked what I saw there. He had a computer, and this huge adapter thing that hooked up like five video game systems to his television all at once. From the old 8-bit Nintendo to a shiny black Playstation 3. And he had a rack of cds holding a collection that pretty much matched my own. Nothing weird or silly, nothing nerdy or uncool. He was a music loving kid just like the rest of us. It just took me by surprise how much we had in common when I actually took the time to notice him as more than just 'background' in my daily high school activities. How is it that a boy so amazingly average got elected to be the school's least favorite 'kick around' mutt? I didn't understand it.
There were a few awkward moments at first, as to be expected. I mean, we WERE still basically strangers for the most part. He seemed really nervous around me for some odd reason, but he was proud of his room and had tons to show me. So anytime we ran out of things to talk about, he could just pull something out of his closet or some desk drawer or bring up something online, and we'd get a conversational boost for the next ten to fifteen minutes. When I left, he said that he was really glad that I came over. And then...he ASKED me if he could please give me a hug. Ok, so maybe that part was weird, but I thought it was kinda funny. He acted like giving me a hug was lke some incredible honor or something, and that kinda made me giggle. So we hugged and he promised not to tell anybody about it. Not that I would have asked him to keep it a 'secret' or anything. But, whatever. I really think he enjoyed the time we spent together today. And you know what? I think I did too.
I saw Simon in school, and he sorta greeted me with a smile. Meaning one of two things. Either he had forgotten, or at least 'blocked out', what had happened between us last Friday and decided to let it go...or I had done enough 'straght stuff' this week to convince him that I wasn't some kind of total fag for humping his ass on the bed. Whichever one it was, it set my emotions at ease to know that he was starting to get to the point where he could be 'ok' with me again. There's still a part of me that wants to suck on his ass cheeks until they turn PURPLE!!! But for now, a decent smile along with the occassional high five in the hall will be enough.
I'll still be wishing on every falling star for the 'ass sucking' thing though. Believe me. He's SOOOO delicious looking!
There was a party tonight at one of my classmates houses, and being friends with Sam would have gotten me in easy. But to be honest, I really wasn't in the mood to go anywhere tonight. So I'm staying in to watch some tv and kick back for a while. I'll write more tomorrow. Seeya later, k?
- ("Jimmy's Friend") Billy
- OKAY!!! Something REALLY fucking cool happened today!!! Omigod, omigod, omigod!!! Okay, I can hardly WRITE this right now! My hands are still shaking! But I'm gonna try, cause I can't hold it in anymore!
So...I go to the mall again today with Joanna and the gang. A part of our new routine, or whatever. Both Ted and Lee were there too, having a good time as always. By the way...Lee and I went to the bathroom at the same time today! (I know this is off the subject, but I GOTTA write this in here too!) We stand at the urinal, side by side. And Lee is so cute, and so sweet, and he's all tall and handsome...so...I kinda 'peek over'. I hope he didn't catch me looking, but if he did, he didn't seem to mind. You know...he has the CUTEST penis I've ever fucking SEEN!!! It's like...PERFECT!!! Just the right cut, just the right thickness, just the right shade of blush, just....just beautiful. And pretty big and long too. My mouth was literally WATERING when I saw it! Awww...Lee is awesome in so many ways. Another few seconds staring at it and I might have offered to help shake it off for him.
Mmmmm....thank you Joanna for bringing THIS stud muffin into my life!
Anyway, that's not the big news. Just...a very exciting off-ramp.
So, we're all eating in the mall's food court, and I'm still thinking of Lee's perfect penis in the back of my mind as he's joking around and being cute. (Seriously, I can't stress this enough. I've never wanted to have something in my mouth so BADLY! He's GORGEOUS down there!) And that's when I see the gay boy I've been sorta scoping out lately...come into the food court with his friends too. They all split up for a second or two to get food from different places, and he and I sorta make eye contact. Well, like always, I look away and try to avoid the whole situation of having him know I was looking. But when I let my eyes wander over to him again, he's looking directly AT me! Almost staring at me! Ok, my heart is pumping super fast at this point, and it only gets worse because he sits at a table not far from us, and looks at me again. I'm literally going crazy at this point!
So, I'm eating with my friends, and he's eating with his friends, but we keep catching these quick glances from one another, and it just feels awesome. I was almost sad to see Joanna and the rest finish up their food first, ready to leave and go back to shopping. I made sure to look at the boy as we walked passed him...and when he looked back, he kinda nodded at me with a smile. I nervously mumbled 'hey' to him or something, but I was too scared to say much of anything else. Hell, it took every ounce of courage I had just to keep from WETTING myself in front of him! I could faintly hear him giggling with his friends as we left, and he looked over his shoulder at me as we walked away. His friends, mostly girls, kinda giggled with him and looked like they were teasing him a bit for looking at me. Omigod...I HOPE that's what was going on! He's so hot!
Here comes the BEST part!!! I actually got to MEET him in the arcade not long after that!!! DUDE!!! Me and Lee and Ted were all playing different video games, and I saw him sort of pacing back and forth outside of the arcade by himself, and our eyes met again. I must have blushed so hard that I glowed in the dark! He totally walks in and stands sort of close to me! I never had such a hard tme BREATHING before! Then, when my quarter ran out, I stepped aside and asked him if he wanted to play next. I KNOW I was blushing super hard, because I could feel it. I was SO nervous! But he just shook his head with a grin, and after a few fumbling seconds of neither one of us knowing what to say next, he smiles really big at me, and I totally MELT right there in front of him. His eyes are amazing. I can see him shaking a bit, and it's so cool because I know he can see me shaking too. He HAD to, I was struggling just to keep standing!
Like....he extends his hand and says, "I'm Alex. But...everybody calls me AJ." And I told him my name was Billy and shook his hand. It was soooo soft, you can't imagine how tender his palm was. I think he was trying to meet me or something, but I was so scared that I didn't know what to say. So we just kinda stood there for a moment, and it was kinda uncomfortable, but then he says, "Well...maybe I'll see you around sometime." And before he left, he told me to make sure not to forget his name. Like I could EVER do that!
I know it sounds kinda silly, but that was as close as I've ever been to....um...seriously 'flirting' with somebody I liked before. Yep, being too scared to look at someone, then being too scared to talk to them, and then being too scared to meet them even after they make the first move. THAT'S as close as I've ever come to flirting. Pretty pathetic, right?
All I know is...his name is AJ, he's cute as HELL, and he actually might LIKE me! Like....LIKE me, like me! I mean...he approached ME, right? That's gotta mean something! I'm gonna go back next week and....and...I don't know what I'm gonna do! But I'm gonna be there, and I hope I'll be better at talking to him than I was this time!
I MET A BOY! I MET A BOY! I MET A BOY! A sexy little sissified gay boy! I'm gonna go jack off RIGHT now! TWICE!!! Oh God, PLEASE let this be it! Let this boy be my first!!!
Ok, I've gotta go! I've got masturbating to do! Later!
AJ...wow...I knew his name would be something cute! Sighhh....
-A 'pathetically love starved' Billy