"Billy Chase #221"

- Was it a good day today?

I don't know. I guess it kinda was.

Is it weird that I can't tell the difference sometimes? That sometimes the supposedly 'fine' line between a good day and a bad one seems to be a hundred miles wide, and you find yourself walking aimlessly in the gray area?

Ah, who needs extremes anyway. I've been riding that pendulum for a while now, and no matter how much time you spend having a jolly old time...it's sure to swing back the other way soon enough.

Sam and Joanna had a bit of an altercation at school today. Not really a bad one, but I guess he tried to do something awful like TALK to her or something, and she had a spaz attack. I just happened to be passing her locker when I saw her pulling away from him and saying, rather loudly, "We're NOT together anymore! So just leave me alone!" Everybody kinda looked at the two of them, and I honestly felt soooo bad. Sam was totally humiliated, and she stormed off in the other direction. It was one of those really awkward moments where you're not really sure if you should approach and address the issue, or allow him to save some face by not mentioning it at all and adding to his embarrassment.

I took choice 'A', and walked over to talk to him. He's my best friend. I can take one glance at the look on his face and tell that he was hurting. Even if he tried to cover it up when he saw me coming his way. He gave me this smile and pushed his hair back with his hands. He was like, "That crazy bitch is gonna be the death of me, I swear to God."

I'm like, "I'm sorry, dude. That really sucked that she did that." But Sam jus sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

Then he was like, "I don't really care about all that, I just want her to get OVER this already so we can stop fighting. I just don't understand why she's BEING like this for THIS long. It's pointless. I mean, she knows how I feel about her, so what's the big idea of her looking to piss me off every chance she gets?"

I started to wonder if that was my one golden opportunity to tell him about Joanna and Jamie Cross. And I let it slip. I looked at his face and saw this really subtle expression of 'hurt' in his eyes. I doubt anyone else would have noticed it except for me...but it was definitely there. That mixed with the fact that we only had three minutes left in our passing period forced me to keep my mouth shut. Three minutes isn't really enough time to tear my best friend's whole world apart and then try to explain why.

Sam was kinda just standing there, silent. And I was kinda just standing there, awkward. Then, as if cupid decided to play an inappropriate prank on me...I saw Brandon and Stevie walking past us in the hall. Arrrrgh! I *HATE* seeing them walking so close together! They're not even separate people anymore! They've somehow mutated into this one ugly mass of mushy, lovey dovey, bullshit! Makes me sick! And Stevie is bringing Brandon's 'pretty looks' score way way down just by standing next to him.

The funny thing is, Sam saw them together too, and then took notice of what must have been a hilarious look of utter disgust on my face. For a moment, I had almost forgotten that he 'knew' about us. When I looked back at him, he was looking me square in the eyes, and after a short pause...he giggled in the cutest way. I'm like, "What?"

And he blushed a little at first, but then he said, "Hehehe...wow. We're both a couple of sad bastards today, aren't we?" I couldn't help but to giggle along with him. I suppose our problems weren't so different after all.

I'm like, "Sighhh...love."

And he answered, "Right. Who needs that shit."

I said, "I do."

To which he replied, "Me too. Sucks, doesn't it?"

Then the bell rang, so we had to go to class. It was good to feel somewhat comfortable around him again. Or at least have him feel comfortable around me. Hopefully, we can put that whole 'making a pass at him' incident behind us and never mention it again. As long as I keep my hands to myself and my thoughts away from the sweet sweet mouthwatering temptation of sucking him hard enough to make his nuts implode...we should be ok.

Sorry. Hehehe, that looks weird on paper. It's just...sometimes...Sam and I have these really friendly moments between us, and as soon as that friendship reaches a certain peak, I feel like these 'extra' feelings just resurface and come spilling out all over again.

Not that I'm not without self control. I mean...Lee's my boyfriend, right? I still feel a little disconnected from him right now, but I think it's mostly from a lack of communication. Lee goes to a whole different school, and we only get together once in a while. And that's mostly about getting our rocks off. It feels REALLY good...but I haven't gotten a handle on whatever it is that I think I'm missing. Ugh...I'm such a stalker. Why can't I just calm the hell down and let things play out the way they're supposed to? I'm fine. Lee is fine. WE'RE fine together. It's just...sometimes I have one of those really cool rushes of adrenaline around Sam and it makes me wish I had more of those with Lee. It's not the same thing.

I've gotta call him tonight. Just to hear his voice. I'm sure that it's just a case of me missing him. That's enough to make anybody feel disconnected.

Speaking of disconnecting things...

I saw Jimmy LaPlane by his locker later on in the afternoon. He looked hurt to see me. But that's understandable. He's probably just trying to forget. Hell, we all are. Why is it that everybody ends up being heartbroken at the same time?

We talked for a full hour last night about how he thinks AJ is cheating on him with another boy, and how much it hurt him to think his boyfriend wanted to be with somebody else. He felt soooo ugly. And Jimmy is NOT an ugly boy. He's actually pretty damn cute. Definitely cute enough to get AJ's predator instincts jumping. It sucks how being emotionally mistreated can just make you turn on yourself to the point of self destruction. But I told him that if he wasn't happy, he wasn't happy. Talk to him and break it off. Better that than to have this drag on and on with Jimmy's heart being crushed in a vice the whole time.

I think he still expected me to suddenly jump out with 'I told you so' about him and AJ, but I had no plans of rubbing it in his face. Wouldn't do me any good to even mention it. I just asked him, "How are you holding up?"

He lowered his eyes for a second and then he's like, "Ok, I guess." But then he said, "Look, don't get mad at me or anything...but I kinda...chickened out last night."

I'm like, "Chickened out?"

And he's like, "Yeah. About talking to Alex." I rolled my eyes but he was quick to say, "I mean, what if I'm wrong, Billy? It's not like I caught him naked with another boy or something..."

But I stopped him, "Jimmy...dude, c'mon. Don't let him keep using you like this." I asked, "Didn't you tell me that you already KNEW what AJ was all about? Weren't YOU the one who said you weren't going to get all caught up in this and that you weren't blind to what was going on?"

He like, whined, "I KNOW...."

And I'm like, "You said, 'I'm just having fun. That's all it is.' That's exactly what you said to me. You just wanted to feel good."

Then he told me, "That's how it STARTED, and I was telling you the truth. But...I don't know, Billy. He can be really SWEET sometimes."

And I asked, "When he's not eyeballing every cute boy at the mall? Those times? When he's not paying you any attention, ignoring your phone calls, not answering your emails, making you feel like shit...?"

He's like, "Alright. Ok. I get it. But...I'm not gonna give up on this relationship just yet. Not over a hunch?"

I told him, "WHAT 'hunch'? Jimmy...he's a creep. You KNOW he is. You've always known."

But Jimmy, even though he was ashamed to say it, he was like, "I don't expect you to understand, Billy, ok? I'm tired of being so alone all the time. It hurts. Every day, it hurts. I see everybody else in love and smiling and kissing and getting laid...and I wanted to fall in love too. I wanted to be swept off my feet and feel like everybody else feels. And I got my chance. I got myself a boyfriend. Then...after a while, we started to feel like an actual couple. It was...more than just fun and some sex...Alex made me feel...'beautiful'. Needed."

I told him, "Jimmy...you don't NEED him for that. You deserve so much better. You deserve to have someone love you the way you want to be loved. Don't just settle for someone you're not in love with for the sake of being a part of a couple. That's silly." I don't think Jimmy was going to change his mind...but he gave me this little teary eyed smile, and nodded.

Then he's like, "There you go...being all cute and sweet again." He closed his locker and I asked him if there was ANYTHING about AJ at all that truly made him happy. And Jimmy just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Happy enough, I guess." And that was pretty much that. I swear...one of these days, I'm gonna take Jimmy LaPlane and Bobby Jinette and lock them in a fucking CLOSET until they fall in love and shag each other senseless. I don't care if they hardly know each other, or seem to care for that matter, I'm gonna handcuff them together and hope they find a reason to get naked. Enough of this 'just trying to feel loved' nonsense. Nobody should have to 'feel' loved. They should 'BE' loved. Not just having fun.

Sighhhh...after having said that...I really wanna call Lee now. I've gotta close this gap between us and really make a play for his heart. I want to 'be' loved, myself.

Gotta run. But I'll write more soon.



The "Kiss Mystery" List


~Bobby Jinette~



~Jamie Cross~


~Jimmy LaPlane~




Stevie (GRRRRR!!!)