- There's something really strange going on with me as I get further and further into this 'kiss list' mystery of mine. A sense of anxiety...a sense of confusion...maybe even a sense of dread. It's hard to explain...but I can't seem to believe that any of the boys left on my list from that party could have possibly been the one that kissed me the night of my birthday party. Not to mention that...except for Bobby Jinette, none of them have really stepped forward to show me any further interest.
Or....or have they?
My mind started spinning this morning when I accidentally ran into Bobby Jinette in the hallway, and he gave me this look that...like...was nearly heartbreaking. I mean, he tried hard to swallow it up and hide it from me...but GEEZ! You would have thought that I had just run over his cat with my BIKE. It's not something that I had to ask about. I knew what was wrong from the second our eyes met. Sighhh....I suppose it's getting to a point where I'm gonna have to tell him that...I'm not really...interested in him in that way. Ugh! There's *NO* good way to say that, is there? This sucks! Bobby can really be sweet, ad God knows that he's cute, but outside of the guilty pleasure of 'using' him for sex...I don't really feel anything for Bobby. Does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't. All I know is...his feelings are getting trashed again and it's not fair for me to make him wait like this. I can't just keep dragging it out. I'll just have to talk to him, be completely honest, and...break his poor bleeding heart....for the second time this year.
He gave me a weak 'hello', but kinda hid his eyes from me when he said it. I mean...what did he want from me...other than what I obviously couldn't give him? I know that there's a great big cowardly asshole inside of me that's still silently hoping and praying that Bobby will just take the hint and 'fade away' without asking me to confront him about our chances at a relationship. I think it was a little bit easier last time...because I had Brandon as...you know...an excuse. But Brandon's not around now, and if Bobby knew about Lee, he'd definitely take it as the ultimate insult this time. I just KNOW he would. How could he not? First I push him aside for another boyfriend, and then after I lose the boyfriend, instead of Bobby getting his shot, he falls even lower on my list of 'potentials' as I ditch him for somebody else? That would crush anybody's spirit.
I told him, "I'm sorry about this weekend. K? I was just...seriously busy with stuff."
And Bobby sulked a bit, saying, "'Busy'. Right. You're like...the 'busiest' person ever. 'Stuff' must be quite an exhausting business."
I said, "C'mon, Bobby...don't be like that. K? I just think..." I didn't know what to say, but I said it anyway. "...I think we need to talk about some things. Maybe...I'll call you tonight? Is that cool?"
But Bobby's like, "Why bother? I already know what you're gonna tell me. So...I don't even know if I wanna deal with it right now." Then he's like, "I just wanna know why, Billy. That's all. I mean...what's wrong with me?"
I said, "There's NOTHING wrong with you, Bobby. Why would you even think that?"
Not that it helped. I mean...is this one of those times that I need to be firm with him? Or should I keep being nice to him to spare him any further pain? Or is being nice going to draw him in even further into this...weird crush he has on me? Bobby was all like, "I don't understand? What's wrong NOW? You're still mad at me for telling Brandon, aren't you?"
I'm like, "NO! Bobby...dude, we just need to talk, ok? I'm not mad at you. We just...we can't really discuss this...'here'." None of my lame attempts to talk to him were really doing all that much to soothe his hurt feelings. And I saw Bobby slam his back against the lockers as he lowered his head, trying to hide his face from any other students or teachers that might be walking by. I'm like, "Can we just wait until later? Please? After school?"
But Bobby was like, "I've got 'stuff' to do too. So...no. If you don't care then you just don't care." He kinda mumbled it under his breath, but after a little pout and a roll of his eyes, he sighs and says, "Fine. Tomorrow? Can you talk then, or will I be bothering you again?"
I could have done without the added guilt trip, I already felt awful as it was. Why is it that people always try to make you feel as miserable as they possibly can instead of just being a man and working towards fixing the problem? But I just said, "I'll be there. I promise."
Then he says, "And I wanna do it face to face. None of that over the phone stuff. No emails. Just...Billy...I don't want to waste any more of my time, you know?"
I told him, "I just...I wanna explain. Alright?"
God...he looked so 'broken', you know? But I'm doing everything that I can to not hurt him!!! I'm not TRYING to make him feel like shit! He's doing it to himself, and then blaming ME for it! That's not fair! Awww, Bobby...I'm...I'm SORRY...
So I'm like, "It's not that I'm mad or that there's something wrong with you...but I can't just 'jump' out of one situation and hop into another." Yeah...another lie. But Lee was...a special case. That was an opportunity that I wasn't going to pass up for anything. And so far it's been worth every minute.
But then, Bobby says, "Your birthday party was, like, three WEEKS ago. And I know that...I mean...I know...ummm..." Bobby fidgeted for a few seconds, and then he goes, "...I don't wanna seem creepy or anything, Billy, but as soon as I found out that you and Brandon weren't together anymore...and then Stevie came along...all I could think about was wanting to be with you again." Bobby made sure to lower his voice to barely a whisper, still peeking around the hall...and from the looks of the way he was moving his backpack in front of his lap...he was getting a bit excited. He's like, "I think we're really GOOD together, Billy. I don't understand why we can't just make this work and be happy. What do you want me to do? Just TELL me. I mean...I know what happened between you and Brandon at that party. And I know that you guys haven't spoken since, so..."
That definitely got my attention. So I was like, "What do you mean? What about what happened between us at the party?"
That's when Bobby kinda clammed up on me. But when I asked again, he said, "Look...maybe a lot of other people at that party weren't paying much attention...but I was."
And I was like, "What did you see?" And he gave me a weird look. I was almost ready to grab him by both of his shoulders and shake him until he confessed. I said, "BOBBY! Dude!"
He rolled his eyes, and he was like, "Well...I was kinda...." He blushed a bit, but without the adorable smile that usually goes along with it. "...I was watching you, ok? I didn't wanna talk to you while you were having a good time and stuff, but...I knew you were waiting for...for him. And it sucked, but...I couldn't take my eyes off you. You're still really beautiful to me, Billy." Arrgh...no no no! I wanted Bobby to stay focused! I got him back on the subject, and he said, "I saw Stevie split up from Brandon at one point to talk to a few of his friends...and...well..." He seemed to feel bad about going any further, but that's when he said, "...It really hurt when I saw you and Brandon go upstairs. I mean...I think he was giving you a birthday present or something but...just seeing you two together, and seeing you...happier with him...I didn't know how to take it. And everybody else at the party was having a good time, and I saw Simon and his girlfriend go up there a bit earlier...and I just....I *HATE* being the only person without somebody to hold. It ACHES sometimes. It doesn't feel fair. I'm not a bad person. I'm not so ugly that I couldn't have somebody sexy on my arm, wanting to take me upstairs too. I just...I hated Brandon for treating you like garbage and STILL having a piece of your heart, when I would NEVER do that to you. Not EVER!"
I was like, "Bobby...it didn't...turn out the way you think it did. If that's what's bothering you."
But Bobby said, "No...I know. I heard some yelling upstairs, and I guess Brandon opened the door. And you kicked him and Stevie out of your party. Don't you remember any of this?" Omigod...now that he mentioned it...I think I DID kick Brandon out of my party. Oh wow...why the hell did I DO that??? Arrrrgh!!! Then Bobby was like, "I think he was really upset. I only said a few words to him but he looked like he was gonna...'cry' or something. And he said 'I've got to leave. I'm not wanted here anymore'. So he found Stevie and the both of them took off together. After that...I kinda thought that you two were....that you were..." Bobby peeked up at me timidly, and I completed his sentence for him.
I was like, "Finished?"
And he was like, "....Yeah." But he was quick to add, "NOT that I was HOPING for you guys to be over or anything! I just...I thought that maybe...you wouldn't have any reason to not be with me anymore. I'm SORRY, I know that sounds mean, but it's honestly the first thing that crossed my mind."
I couldn't really be mad at him for it. But despite the hurt feelings and all involved...it wasn't until about 15 minutes later in my next class that my mind really wrapped itself around the situation...and I found a bit of a sigh of relief from it. Because if Brandon left right after our fight...and Stevie left with him...then..
Stevie isn't the boy that kissed me that night! I couldn't have handled that. Not at all! I'd have to drink a half gallon of gasoline, light a match, and burn my insides out to get the germ infested sludge of filth and heinous bullshit that would plague me if Stevie the 'weasel's' lips had EVER touched mine! UGH!!! I could actually feel my heart relaxing in my chest when I realized that. Still....Bobby is more in love with me than ever, and I don't know what to do with it. I'm so lost. I hope I think of something 'tactful' to say by tomorrow afternoon. Because if not...it's going to be all tears and heartbreak all over again.
Anyway, that was the big even of my day. I kinda wrote Lee and email tonight. He hasn't answered yet, but I hope he got it. Basically...it was short, but I wanted to let him know I missed him. Is that strange? That's not strange is it? Here's what I told him....
I just wanted to say that I miss you. I miss 'us'. I don't wanna sound like I'm putting pressure on you or anything, because I'm REALLY not, ok? But...I feel like we're really distant all of a sudden, and I don't know why.
I just wanna feel close to you. And I hope you wanna feel close to me too. K?
I love you. Hope to see you soon."
Does that sound, like...weird? I don't know. I don't think so. He's so close...and yet so far. This isn't what I thought having a boyfriend like Lee would feel like. I guess they're all different. Boys, I mean. Maybe I'll get used to it. Who knows?
I've gotta go. I'm trying to be on my best behavior with my dad and try to give him some extra affection so he knows that I care about him. I really do. But....in all honesty...I'm ready to go home. And I know he doesn't want that.
Sighhh...I miss Sam. I'm totally gonna smother him tomorrow when I see him.
Gotta go. I'll write more soon.
- Billy (Now *HAPPILY* scratching Stevie's name off of my fucking list!!!!)
|The "Kiss Mystery" List|