- This has been the WILDEST day, I swear!
I'm TOTALLY putting a mark by Trace's name on my little 'Kiss Mystery' list tonight! God, I'm such a chicken! He was right there and being...ugh...you have no idea how freakin' *CUTE* he was being tonight!!! It was INSANE!
But...I do have something to confess, and I'm gonna be mad at myself for it later...but I did kinda...drink a little bit tonight. But JUST a little bit! It was like...nowhere NEAR what I had to drink at my party, but...yeah. He MADE me do it, though! I SWEAR, I didn't want to. He can just be a very...cute and convincing adversary, that's all.
But...before I get into that, let me write this other stuff down before I forget the details. Because I definitely wanna remember them later.
First, let me tell you...'Lee sex'? Two days in a row? Omigod! It's even BETTER the second day. Like left overs! How can he have soooo much sex to give me? Like..I swear, I nearly tired myself out today. But I let him get another shot or two at me anyway. Hehehe! It's really cute the way his bottom lip quivers when he's kissing me. I'm starting to wonder if sex with him will ever get tiresome. I mean, at some point...it's just gotta get repetitive, you know? We do it so much, I'd think it would get boring after a while. And yet...it feels *SOOOOO* fucking GOOD!!! I could take a BITE out of that hot ass of his!
But that's not the BIG event that happened today!!!
See, I knew that I was going to Trace's later, so I went over to Lee's super early, and his mom wasn't leaving for another hour or two. We tried to, like...just 'wait' for her to go...but it was so hard to be that close to him and not...you know...tackle him to the floor. Not to mention that his mom was constantly asking us questions about what we were going to do and where did he know me from and....ugh! It was making us both kinda nervous. So Lee said that maybe we should go to the mall for a bit until she had gone to work. Nothing wrong with that. I hadn't even been to the mall in God knows HOW long. So we said goodbye to his mom, and we walked a few blocks to get on the bus.
Lee and I were talking and sitting in the back, having a good time...and halfway there, my mouth almost dropped open. The bus comes to a stop, and fucking Brandon and Stevie get on the SAME bus! I swear to God! I nearly gasped out loud when I saw his familiar profile getting on, and then seeing Stevie follow right behind him. It was like having somebody dance on my GRAVE! You know?
I doubt Lee really even remembers Brandon, or if he's ever even MET Stevie, so he didn't pay much attention. But I did. I think my heart felt like it was about to burst, and I didn't know whether I wanted to sit still, hide behind another seat, or get off of the bus entirely. Then...our eyes connected for a moment. That one fleeting moment...it felt like an eternity. Like this...wicked spark that shot through both of us. He sorta stopped walking with a jerk. When Brandon and I were together, we always sat in the back of the bus. It was like our little 'spot', you know. Then...he sort of looked over at Lee sitting next to me, and the expression on his face changed. At first...it kinda frightened me, to be honest. I don't know why, but for a split second, I almost wanted to jump up and say, "Hey, it's not what it looks like!!!" Which is weird, because having a gorgeous boyfriend on the bus with me while he runs around town with Stevie should make me proud. It was just a screwy reaction, I suppose.
Brandon was in front of Stevie, who couldn't figure out why he stopped in the middle of the half empty bus. And when he looked over Brandon's shoulder and saw me sitting there, Stevie rolled his eyes and with a grin, took a hold of Brandon's hand. And he sorta pulled him towards another seat where they could sit with their backs to us. But for that one moment...even though it was a big surprise to both of us...it almost felt like we were the only two people in the world again. I had almost forgotten what that felt like. Ugh! Why is he the ONLY boy that makes me this CRAZY!
There was a bit of a 'game' going on where Brandon didn't want to look back, but I think he took a few peeks anyway.And I didn't want to neglect Lee, but at the same time, Stevie was talking and trying to keep Brandon's attention focused on him instead of me, and I wanted to show Lee off to shut him up, and...I don't know. The whole situation was so bizarre, you know?
They got off the bus before Lee and I did, and just before stepping out, Brandon gave me one more look and left. It was a residential street. No doubt where Stevie lives. At least that's what I'm guessing. Do you think they were going to have more sex today? Who knows? I'll bet they did. There go those fucked up mental pictures again.
You know...sometimes I think I just fuck Lee that much harder whenever thoughts of Brandon have me feeling down again. It's like...my 'reward' for having to put up with it. Maybe that's why I cling to him so much. Like a security blanket. Well...that and he's fucking HOT, but that's besides the point. I don't know what it is but something is still...'missing'. And Lee is trying really had to be more...I dunno...sweet to me. But that's just...it's not...*IT*. You know? I don't get what I'm doing wrong. Or what he's doing wrong. Or why I'm even thinking about this right now.
I should really stop drinking, even if it's a little bit. It makes me think too much.
ANYWAY...I don't wanna talk about Brandon anymore. It makes me...grrr, I won't get into it.
Let me start by saying that Trace has a really tiny house, but it's soooo comfy in there. Hehehe, it's not the neatest place in the world, but it's like Trace owns it all by himself. There's hardly any traces of a 'parent' at all, which...I don't know, it was kinda cool. And OMIGOD...his baby brother Mikey is sooooo adorable! He's got the biggest eyes I've ever seen on a kid! Hahaha! And they just sparkle all the time! They look like Trace's eyes, but even prettier. He was kinda shy at first, but after being there for like 20 minutes, he was jumping on the couch and hopping up on my lap and showing me every toy that he had in the house. I can honestly say that Mikey was extremely proud of every last action figure and ball and noise making toy gun and sword that he owned. Hehehe, it was kinda funny, having him work so hard to impress me.
Trace was being exceptionally sexy today, but don't worry, I was just enjoying the feeling of being there with him. That's all. I've learned my lesson about cheating, believe me. And I'm not screwing up what I have now by having another 'moment of weakness'. But still....wow....
You know, Trace has this thing he does, where he'll just kinda stare at me with this cute little smile...and not say anything. And if I look away, he'll lean over to get my eye contact back. And I'll be like, "WHAT???"
And he'll be like, "Nothing. Hehehe!" I don't know...it was just..it was cute. Because he does it all the time. Like...he wants me to ask 'what' just so he can be satisfied with my discomfort or something. Hehehe! It made me feel all flirty and giggly inside. I loved it.
Oh! And Trace has a way to get to his ROOF! Which I thought was soooo cool! He grabbed some beers out of the refrigerator and told me to follow him. I had to climb up this ladder behind him, and you know...Trace has a really sexy ass too! I couldn't help but look. He was wearing a long white t-shirt, so it was mostly covered...but on that ladder, I got my best glimpse of it. He's still not taking the title away from Bobby Jinette...but he's in close competition. Mmmmm! Hehehe!
So we got to sit on his roof, and you could see most of his neighborhood from there. The air was cool and it was dark out, and I had never been on a roof like this before. It was just this really comfortable vibe. Then he's like, "Here." And he offered me a drink.
But, I kinda frowned up a bit and said, "Nah. No thanks. I told ya, I'm done with the alcohol."
He was like, "This isn't alcohol. It's beer." Even HE couldn't hold back his smile from trying to play me with that comment. "Hehehe, c'mon, Billy. Just ten beers and I'll leave you alone."
I'm like, "Hahaha! TEN? I don't think so!"
He's all, "You're gonna make me drink by myself? That's not cool. I could get tipsy and then you could totally take advantage of me. Hehehe!" Which was like, AHHHH!!! He batted his eyelashes at me, and it was an INSTANT rush of infatuation! It was overpowering, you know? Then he's like, "You're gonna have to go to college some time. Might as well get in a little practice now."
I told him, "Being face down in a toilet for a day and a half straight is not something that I really enjoy, in case you didn't know."
But Trace's smile only widened a bit as he opened the beer and took a sip for himself. He's like, "That's because you ha a really bad experience and went waaaay overboard for your first time. Hehehe!" He sipped some more. And he said, "See? Nothing to it. I drink alcohol like people drink soda. You're not supposed to keep guzzling down Mountain Dew until you're awake for three days straight and ready to slip into a diabetic COMA! You have some, enjoy the bubbles, have a few laughs, and then stop before you get all crazy. Besides, I'm watching out for Mikey. I'm not looking to get crazy. I don't even LIKE feeling drunk and stupid."
Confused, I was like, "But...isn't that the point?"
He said, "No. Hehehe, that's like saying the point of smoking is to purposely get lung cancer. That's not the goal." Suddenly, Mikey came to the bottom of the ladder and shouted up, to him.
"Tracey...I spilled." Aww, it was so cute.
Trace leaned over to look down and said, "What did I tell you about trying to pour for yourself? You have to come get me. What'd you spill?"
And he said, "The OJ juice..."
Trace sighed and put the beer down to climb down the ladder, and he was like, "I'll be right back. I just wanna see how bad it is. K?" And he disappeared for a second. I don't know why I did it, maybe it was just looking up at the stars and feeling all cool and cozy with Trace and the quiet of being up there all alone...I picked up his can and took a few sips. I remembered the taste right away. It was like my tongue soaked it up like a sponge. Wasn't so bad. I told myself that I was ONLY gonna have one to satisfy Trace and kinda be a 'part' of this really mellow night that we were having together. You know? Besides, putting my lips on the edge of the can where his lips had been only seconds before was kinda...exciting. Hehehe! God, I'm so goofy. So I get down to like, halfway finished with the can, and Trace comes back up the ladder, and sees me drinking. He was like, "Hahaha, what are you DOING?"
And I said, "What? You said to have one..."
And Trace was like, "Omigod, dude, I cannot believe that worked. Hahaha! You really didn't have to drink, I was just messing with your head, man." Which confused the hell out of me as he sat on the roof next to me again.
I didn't know what to do, but I felt like I had screwed up somehow. I was like, "I'm...I'm sorry. If you...want me to put it back..."
And Trace giggled and told me, "No! No, go ahead, you're entitled to have whatever you want. Just...I didn't mean to be the peer pressure monster. Hehehe, seriously. If you don't wanna drink, don't drink. I was just being hospitable and all that jazz." I don't know what he meant by that, but he TOTALLY tricked me!I don't know, I thought I was gonna be...ruining his good time if I didn't join him or something. I just...I didn't wanna appear 'lame', you know? He invited me over and he was being so cool, and....*I* wanted to be cool too, you know? I don't know, maybe that's how peer pressure works. He opened another beer, clinked cans with me, and with a big smile he said, "Cheers!" And we drank together. He told me, "I think everybody should have at least ONE vice in their lives. It keeps them humble. Hehehe! Reminds us that we're not so damn 'holy', you know? No better and no less than any other human being on the planet. As long as it's done in moderation, you know?"
I'm like "Whatever. You TRICKED me!"
And he's like, "Yes, Billy...yes I did! Hehehe!" And that was pretty much the end of it all.
Trace and I drank beer and looked at the moon and he was sitting really close to me...and...when he talks to you, he REALLY looks you in the eye, you know? It's like...intimidating at first, and then it's really soothing. You almost feel like he can see a part of you that nobody else can.
At one point he was like, "You know, Billy...you really easy to talk to. Seriously. This is refreshing."
I didn't understand what he meant by that. I was like "Really? Why?"
And he said, "Well...for one thing, you don't really judge people for who they are. Something about that makes me feel like I can tell you just about anything. I've been the 'problem child' for so long, I don't even know how to talk to someone who hasn't already made it up in their mind that I'm a bad influence. You make me feel...you know...like I'm starting from scratch. I really respect you for that."
Trace has a way of 'exposing' himself to you in doses that really makes you feel special for uncovering another layer as to who he is. He makes you feel so special sometimes, you know? I said, "Thank you." And took another few gulps of beer, but...I dunno...Ireally started to analyze what Trace was telling me. And it just felt like..I dunno. I mean was he trying to tell me something??? Was this a hint? A clue? A straight out confession? I couldn't tell.
The whole situation felt romantic to ME. But I was too chicken to really make heads or tails of it. We talked about sooooo much on that rooftop, with minimal interruptions from Mikey. And that was odd, because little brothers usually wanna follow their siblings around like little parasites. I half expected him to be holding onto his leg all night long. But their routine was pretty well worked out between them. So I guess it helped keep him on his own.
But...Trace is a really....a really genuine person, you know? He's so passionate about who he is. And he doesn't really seem to care what anybody thinks about him, as long as he's happy. I wish I could be that carefree, you know?
I think the few hours I spent at his house, just talking and smiling and cracking jokes was one of the most fulfilling evenings that I've had in a long time. If I could just take tonight's comfort and conversation, Lee's hotness and sweet personality, Bobby's ass and his unwavering devotion, and Brandon's love and mind blowing kisses...and put them all together...I'd be the happiest boy on Earth! Building the PERFECT boyfriend from the attributes of a variety of boys that I care about but prolly can't ever have. Or shouldn't have. Whatever.
Who knows? I'm 15 years old. I hardly know what I'm looking for at this point. But the experimentation is a TON of fun!
I've gotta run. My dad has been cranky since yesterday. I've been trying to avoid him as much as possible...but he's pushing to be a big meanie these days. I just don't wanna hear it. It's killing me to know that he thinks he can, like....control me. I'm not his 'property'! I'm a human being! Does he NOT remember what it was like to be my age? Why is he judging me by the rules of an adult world when I'm still learning what that adult world is all about. Adults act like they own fucking EVERYTHING! And they DON'T! Sometimes we need a chance to have a say too. I'm not a BABY, give me a chance to be myself, Jesus!
I think parents 'forget'. It's soooo easy for them to 'forget'. It's just not fair.
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