- Oh God...I had the hottest, 'almost wet', dream about Trace last night! Oh wow....I mean...really! Wow!
It was one of those times when the dream gets sooo hot and steamy, that you're actually too excited to stay asleep through to the finish. So, I like...woke up JUST before I made a mess! But...I kinda ended up 'finishing myself off' anyway a few minutes later. Hehehe, I couldn't help it. I was really HOT and breathing hard and sweating a little! I think a part of me has been trying to release some feelings that I didn't really know I had. Or..maybe I did. Who knows? But, in the end, I'm glad that I at least got the chance to make it a deliberate mess instead of an accidental one.
All I can really remember was that the dream started on Trace's floor in front of the TV. And we were leaning with our backs up against the couch...and he just started doing that cute little thing where he stares at me, and he was smiling....but this time we just started making out like crazy. It was so REAL! I could practically taste his tongue in my mouth! Those soft lips, and his breath on my cheek, and my hands in those sexy twisted locks of hair...it was magic. And we get naked, and roll around...rubbing and touching and practically 'wrestling' with each other, humping really hard and stuff, you know? And I remember him, like...moving up my chest while my head was propped up against the couch...and he leaned forward to hold onto the cushions...and then he slid his hot boner deep into my sucking mouth and started humping my face. And you know what I thought was really hot and sexy about it all? It was that Trace was like...looking down at me and smiling the whole time. I mean, that really cute and flirty smirk of his. Something about that just really made him beautiful to me. I loooovvvved having his hardness sliding back and forth over my tongue like that, both of my hands holding on to his ass cheeks while his flavor filled my mouth...mmmmm, God! He was delicious! Not to mention, at least in my mind, he's pretty 'big' too. Hehehe! I'll just bet he is in real life. I wish I had a chance to take a peek at school or something. Trace is average in height and weight, but he looks like the type of guy who would be packing quite the tasty surprise in his pants somewhere.
Anyway, it's when he put a hand on the back of my head, sped up his thrusts, and started getting really close to exploding, that I woke up all tingly and ready to blow a load myself. It was one of the sexiest dreams I've had in a long time. Ugh! I have GOT to stop getting crushes on cute boys! What's wrong with me? Thank God all these boys aren't available, otherwise I'd be the biggest man-whore in town.
Seriously though, this time it was just a subliminal thing. Even if...I was still thinking about me and Trace when I jacked off afterwards. Hehehe, that's NOT cheating! I'm being a good boy for a change. It was just too good a dream to not have a grand finale.
Also, even though I did drink a little bit at Trace's house...I wasn't sick today. Thank God. No headaches or anything. Probably because I had the good sense to stop while I was ahead. Still, I don't think it did much for me. So...yeah, not really my thing. I don't know how Trace does it. Maybe he possesses a 'cool kid' gene somewhere that I don't. Weird.
I wonder if maybe I could get him to pass out when we have the house to ourselves next. Hehehe! Ahhh! No no no..it's JUST a thought! I'm not...I was just...thinking. In fact, I'm KIDDING! Hehehe! I don't wanna look back at this years from now and think that I'm...you know...serious.
I talked to my mom on the phone today. She sounded...'happy', for some reason. She told me she missed me. She said the house was unnaturally quiet the last few weeks. It really made me miss home. It made me miss my room and my stuff and having Sam just walking distance away from me at all times. Not to mention that some of the things my mom said made her sound like she was, like, lonely.
I think it's time my dad and I had a 'talk' about me going home. Because that what living with Mom is to me. Home. Being here with him and his...'mistress'...it's just me trying to make the best of a bad situation. The discomfort is never going to go away. I just don't belong here. If they hadn't separated in the first place, I wouldn't even have to deal with something so hopeless.
I got an email from Randall today. He was like, "Did I do anything wrong?" Which...I mean, he didn't. I just don't understand why he's still trying to be my friend so badly. He was being friendly enough, and it's not like I could just say 'get lost'. Besides...it's not that there's anything WRONG with Randall. I just...I don't know him. I don't even know if we have anything in common. I mean...does he like me or something? Does he like Lee? What's his deal, anyway. I'll give it a shot and talk to him a bit, but he can press and push a little 'hard' sometimes.
Mmmm, still thinking about Trace. Hehehe! I've gotta stop that. I wish I could have gotten together with Lee again today. I kinda want him to do that to me now. You know, hump my face. I'm sure it would be even hotter with my boyfriend.
I DID get to hang out with Sam for a bit today, which was really refreshing, you know? It was just so cool to see him smiling again up close. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I actually got to see him again, face to face. Sometimes I wonder if my crush on him will EVER fade away. Like...ever. Because it hasn't lost any of its intensity over the years that we've been friends. Even when I WANT to be done with it. Even when I'm pissed at him. Even when we're far apart. I guess I'm stuck with visions of Sam completely naked and hugged up next to my heart for the rest of my life. Can't do anything about that now. But that's alright. I kinda like holding onto him that way. It's the whole feeling that he might ever feel the same about ME that I have to get rid of. Grrr!
Either way, it was a super sweet experience being close to him again. But it didn't really...'last' for as long as I thought it would.
We did get to go to the Hill together, which was cool. It had been a while. There's something so nostalgic about us being there like that. Sighhhh...he's so...'blond' sometimes. Hehehe, I don't even know what that means! But it's really cute. It makes me stare sometimes.
I remember asking him all these questions about the night he spent at Jimmy LaPlane's house, and he was practically laughing his ass off at me. He was like, "I'm not giving you full disclosure or anything, but Jimmy has some very...um...'ineresting' ideas about YOU, dude!"
And I gasped in shock. I was like, "WHAT??? What do you mean? TELL me! What did he say???"
And Sam said, "Unh unh! I told him I wouldn't tell you, and I'm NOT! Hehehe!"
But I literally grabbed his shoulders and SHOOK him! I said, "What the fuck are you TALKING about??? What were you guys saying about me? You don't even LIKE each other! Why are you all of a sudden keeping secrets from me? What happened?"
But Sam just laughed even more and refused to tell me what went down. He just said, "Well, he said that you'd know already. Soooo...why didn't you tell me about Jimmy LaPlane, Billy? Hmmm? You keeping more secrets from me?"
And I'm all like, "WHAT DID HE TELL YOU???"
And he's all like, "Don't you worry about that! I wanna know what YOU'RE gonna tell me, first! Maybe if I keep quiet, I'll get the God's honest *truth* out of you instead of having to figure out whether or not you're gonna lie to me. Or conveniently leave out some important details." But I already knew that trick, so I just kept my mouth shut. What surprised me was when he said, "Well, it's nice to know that Jimmy's your type and all."
I remember him saying those exact words, because he looked down at his feet in the CUTEST way when he said it! And I think he blushed a little bit too! I don't know why that excited me, but it did!
I was like, "My 'type'? What do you mean?"
And Sam said, "Well, I'm just saying...I mean, you hang out with him and all. And he has this big crush on you. But ME...you were like *HELL* no! Hehehe!" I feel soooooo BAD for saying that when I did. But it was just a defense mechanism, you know? It wasn't meant to be taken seriously. I tried to deny it, but Sam totally called me on it. He was like, "Yes, you did. 'Hell no' was your exact response. You should be ashamed of yourself, making me feel all ugly and stuff, hehehe!"
I told him, "I'd NEVER make you feel ugly! I just..." I thought about it a second or two, and then I came right out and said, "...I just didn't want you to be freaked out by the idea of me finding you....attractive." And that made Sam blush even harder than before, his fingers kinda plucking up blades of grass and letting them fall back down to the ground.
He was like, "Billy....dude..."
And I was like, "I KNOW! I know, I know...you're not gay. But I just...I'd be really lucky if I got a chance to have you. You know that? I mean it. You're not a 'hell no' type of guy." It was the only time that he looked me in the eyes, and he gave me this...this smile. It was this bashful, super sweet, grin...that I hadn't seen since we were both 10 years old. It literally made my heart stop for a moment or two.
He was like, "Well, thank you. I'm flattered." Then he added, "You wanna blow me?" And we both giggled about it for a few seconds. Yeah...if only.
Mmm...makes me think of Trace again! God, how hot would it be to do it with Sam like that? Gives me the shivers!
Sam and I got quiet for a few seconds after our laughs died down, and Sam's smile suddenly got this really...'artificial' look to it. He looked at me and tried to keep up the smile, then he looked back at his feet again. And he was like, "I still miss her sometimes. You know?" He got sorta sad and it was like he spiraled down too fast for me to even avoid the subject. He was like, "All I want her to do is TALK to me. Give me a chance to apologize, or something. But she just ignores me. She won't let me fix it."
I felt bad for him, and I said, "There'll be other girls, Sam. Maybe even better girls."
And he's like, "I don't want another girl. I want my Joey back. What if she forgets about me? What if she makes it ok for herself to hate me? I mean...if I don't find a way to get in touch with her and make things right soon, she might get involved with somebody else. Then it's all over. I'll NEVER get her back once that happens." Yikes. Ok, so maybe I'm a big chicken, but that was SO not the time to tell Sam about Joanna and Jamie Cross! Seriously. I literally held my breath and tried to say something that would get his mind off of that subject entirely. I think the quiet made Sam think that I was uncomfortable. So he was like, "I'm sorry if I'm being a downer. I'm just...heartbroken, is all. I mean, it still, like, aches. Right here in my heart. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, I get in fights with my mom...I'm a total mess. I just want her to acknowledge me again."
I wasn't quite sure how to comfort him about all this. Not that anything I could have said would have done him much good anyway. I mean, he kept apologizing for being like that, but all I could say was, "It's ok." He really loved Joanna, didn't he? I mean...look at him. He's miserable without her. I should tell him. As a matter of fact, I've GOT to tell him. Before he just 'sees them together' somewhere.
He did attempt to cheer himself up, but what really caught me by surprise was him saying, "Hey, Billy? Can I ask you a question? And you HAVE to tell me the truth."
And I'm like, "Well that depends on the question. But yeah, I guess so."
Sam giggles a little bit to himself for a second, and then he asks me, "Did you have sex with Jimmy?"
Dude, my eyes nearly popped out of my head! I was like, "Hahahaha!!! WHAT??? NO!!! What would make you ask me that???"
And he's all, "BECAUSE...he's really, REALLY, like...in love with you. I think you're like his idol or something." And Sam blushed and said, "So...you know...I was wondering if maybe something happened between you two. That's all."
So I grinned, and I told him, "No. I never had sex with Jimmy. Trust me. He's cute, but...that's not gonna happen." But then I ALSO took a deep breath and told him, "If I tell you something, do you PROMISE to take it to the GRAVE?" And Sam swore that he would. I can't believe I was gonna tell him this. I'm like, "Once....a LONG time ago...me and Jimmy, kinda, sorta...'kissed' once."
Sam was like, "Wait, WHAT??? Hehehe! Are you for real, or are you joking?"
I said, "No....for real." And Sam gave me a shove while he was laughing. I confessed, "Actually, he was my first. And you know what? I think I kinda liked it."
Sam asked me, "What was it like?"
And I said, "It was....nice. I don't know. I didn't go over there expecting to make out with him. It was just...a really weird situation."
Then Sam said, "Every day there's a new surprise from you. I swear. So...you'd pretty much just kiss anybody as long as they had a pair of lips, huh? Didn't mean anything. Right?" I remember being very confused about that last statement. Maybe it was just the way he said it or something. It was weird. Like that once sentence didn't belong to any other part of the conversation at all. Then he's like, "Jimmy LaPlane. That boy's gonna chase you forever, Billy. I hope you know that." And he kinda started veering off the subject before I could really figure out a way to approach the subject. I'll think about it more tomorrow...but yeah, that was strange. Even for Sam.
I've gotta run. I'm gonna pull out the sofa-bed to sleep now. God, I miss my bed at home. Sighhhh...I've gotta get out of here. I'll talk to my dad soon. I'm not abandoning him, I just wanna go home.
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