- You know...there's something about having an erotic dream about somebody really cute...and then seeing them in person the next day...that's just plain freaky. I saw Trace today just after second period, and I swear..if I had blushed any harder, I might not have had enough blood flowing to the rest of my body to remain conscious.
It's weird though. He kinda smiled at me as I stumbled over words, and it was the EXACT same smile that he had in the dream! The really sexy one? Mmmmmm, I got sooo HARD seeing his super cute FACE! Hehehehe, he's adorable!
Anyway, he was like, "What's up? You don't look like you've been run over by a truck this time around. So I'm assuming you didn't have too much to drink on Saturday?" That's another thing...for some reason, when you hang out at somebody's house for the first time outside of school...there's like this really cool 'secret' between us, you know? It's like...we knew one another on a level that the other students didn't. Like we had somehow evolved into something more advanced than the average high school acquaintances and familiar faces that we all see in the hallways between classes. I don't know. It just felt kinda 'cool', you know? At least to me it did.
We talked for a little bit, but nothing major. I was a bit too infatuated to really be myself. It's so WEIRD how an overwhelming infatuation with another boy can just pop up out of nowhere and consume you so FAST when you're 15 years old. Does this constant overdose of horniness and boy-crazy hysteria go on forever? When I'm super old...like 30 or something...will I still be chasing boys this way? Ugh! I feel like such a slut. I should stop. I really should.
He's sooooo CUTE though! God...I want his lips on me every second of the day!
Sighhh...well, there goes any chance of ever letting Lee read this journal, huh? I'm pretty sure that this is violating some kind of boyfriend code here.
Anyway, just before going our separate ways, Trace was like, "Well, I'm glad you came, dude. I had a good time. We should do it again some time." And there was that...'smile' again. Of course, he added, "And Mikey loves you too."
'Loves me TOO'? I was like, "What do you mean..." But he just said he had to go. Arrgh! I'm NEVER gonna figure this out unless I just jump on the school intercom one morning during announcements and ask, "Will the boy who kissed Billy Chase at his birthday please come to the office. Thank you." Dammit, I don't even have a SPY that can help me. I've already tapped Simon for as much info as he could give me, and Bobby is gonna be...difficult to talk to about this sorta thing. I can't even ask Joanna and Jimmy for help at this point. They're all dealing with their own 'stuff' at the moment. I'm gonna keep my eyes open though. SOMEBODY was in that room with me that night, and I'm gonna find out who that somebody was.
Oh....VERY close call today! Because about an hour or two before lunch time, I had seen Joanna in the hall, and she was totally walking hand in hand with Jamie Cross!
How many people are seeing this??? I mean...ALL heads turn whenever Jamie Cross walks down the halls of the school! And now it looks as if they're becoming a bit more 'open' about their whole relationship. And that means BIG trouble as far as Sam being kept in the dark about this whole thing. I know it sounds strange, but I can't STAND to have Sam get hurt! I just...I can't. The Devil himself might as well take a steak knife to my heart and 'saw' it in half.
When I talked to him at lunch today, Sam seemed a bit anxious about the whole situation, which only made things even worse. I was soooo uncomfortable, you know? Sam was obviously preoccupied with this whole break up with Joanna, and he couldn't do much more than play with his food for most of the lunch hour. Even when I tried to cheer him up and make him laugh about something else entirely to get his mind off of it. Then I nearly choked on my applesauce when Sam said, "You know what? I should just be a man, and wait for Joey by her locker today. She HAS to go in there some time, right? I should just stand right there and MAKE her talk to me. Even if it's just to say she needs some more time apart. It's killing me not knowing what's going on."
I was thinking, Noooooooooooooooo!!! DON'T go by her locker! If Jamie and Joanna are all cuddly and holding hands in public, then I'm willing to bet that he's walking her to her locker too. Time is running out. It's seriously reaching a point where he's gonna find out one way or the other. And....as much as I HATE the position it puts me in...it really should come from his best friend. Not some dirty gossip hound in the hallway. And certainly not from Joanna. After what she said when she supposedly broke it off with me, she doesn't come off as the most 'sensitive' person in the world.
I looked around at the full cafeteria, and didn't want to break the poor boy down in front of everybody. But I wanted to do it as soon as possible. I was like, "Sam....look, why don't we go to the Hill today and just...hang out for a while today? Just you and me."
He was like, "Hehehe, didn't we just do that yesterday?"
And I said, "Yeah, but there's something that I kinda wanna talk to you about."
I think he must have known that it had something to do with Joanna, because his eyes suddenly went, like...blank right in front of me. He was like, "Talk about what?"
But I told him, "We really shouldn't do it here. It's...just something that you need to know about. I think..."
He cut me off and was like, "I can't. I've got stuff to do after school today. Probably until late. So...yeah, I can't."
So I'm like, "Well, what about tomorrow?"
He says, "Nah...my mom, she's making me help her clean out room in the attic to put more stuff up there, so..." He had a bunch of excuses, I almost wanted to just tell him right then and there that it was bad news, but then he might have forced me to say it right away, and he would have spent the rest of the school day heartbroken.
I remember what that was like after Brandon. Believe me. If I could avoid putting him through that, I would. Ugh! I should have done this on Friday. At least then he would have had the weekend to calm down a little bit.
Maybe I can talk to Jamie Cross or something. Maybe I can tell him to...um...I don't know, tone it down or something until I've had the time to talk to my best friend about it. I mean, Jamie's a good guy, right? And he even felt BAD about it at first. He thought I'd be mad at him. It's a possibility that he just might be understanding enough to give me some more time. It was never his intention for that to happen anyway.
Well, needless to say, I need to wait yet ANOTHER day to tell him the truth. I can't really afford to let it go any longer than that. I thought about sending him an email about it. I mean....by the time he opened it and started reading, he wouldn't be able to avoid the issue, right? But...an email is a pretty rotten way to do something like that. I tried to call, but he didn't pick up the phone. Great, so now he's avoiding me. Sighhh...
It kinda makes me think more about that talk we had yesterday, and my mind is still kind of confused over that whole incident. There's a part of my heart that wants to believe, but my brain isn't quite ready to fall for the 'trick' just yet, I guess. I mean, that's a little farfetched. I'm not even gonna put down what I'm thinking, but...hmmm...just as a bit of wishful thinking, I kinda...sorta...put a star next to Sam's name on my list. And it's probably STUPID to even consider that but...he's acting weird again. Sam usually goes through cycles where he starts acting weird for a week or two and then goes back to normal, but there's something especially strange about it this time. Maybe it's the added heartbreak, but he's not really being himself right now.
I caught a brief glimpse of Brandon today near last period. Him and his...'attachment', Stevie. I think he knew I was there, but he made a real effort to not look my way. It shouldn't have hurt. Not at all. But...it kinda did in a way. I guess this is how Sam feels about Joanna not talking to him and straightening things out. Except...Brandon at least TRIED to make amends with me out of the goodness of his heart...and I fucked it all up, being jealous. Being SELFISH! I just...I wish that Brandon and I could at least be good friends again. JUST good friends. In the way that Sam and I are just good friends. I miss him. I really do.
Anyway, I've gotta run. My homework is piling up, and it's killing me right now!
I wrote Lee an email tonight. Just to say 'I love you, and I miss you, and I wish we were together.' But he didn't answer this time. I guess I did write it kinda late though. Anyway, the FUNNY thing is...I ALMOST made a huge mistake and sent it to Jimmy LaPlane by accident!!! *THAT* would have been a freaking disaster! Hehehe! I'll be much more careful from now on. That isn't a screw up that I want to make. Jimmy would kill us both.
Anyway, I'll write more later. Seeya.
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