- AJ, AJ, AJ....his name is AJ! It's all I've been thinking about since yesterday afternoon! You know...when you keep re-living the slightest teeniest tinyest moments that you spent with someone over and over again, and you get that warm fuzzy feeling inside? It's a sensation that defies all explanation! I doubt I could even TALK about him without SCREAMING! Omigod....he's so CUTE! What if he likes me? What if I go back next week...and we, like, 'hook up' or something? Can you imagine how fucking HOT that would be???
Sighhh...I feel like I wanna laugh all day long! I couldn't even get out of bed this morning right away because my whole body just 'tickled' on the inside. I can't believe that I actually met a boy yesterday!!! You spend all this time wishing for it, praying for it, maybe even looking at it from afar. But when a possibility is actually presented to you like this for the first time, you NEVER really know how to approach it with some level of 'cool' anymore, you know? I don't even know what to DO with myself! I guess it's a bit early to be picking out matching towels for the bathroom or anything....but...it's further than I've ever gotten before with an actual BOY! A GAY boy! So you'll have to excuse me if I'm a bit giddy and goofy and just....downright insane about it all right now.
You know what SUCKS ASS about all of this though? I can't TELL anybody!!! ARRRRGH!!! I WANT to! THIS is the time that I wanna run over to Sam's house and scream and bounce around on his bed and say, "DUDE, I really LIKE him! Sooooo much!" THIS is the time when I wanna ask him what the hell I should do, and where to go on a date, and how to give him compliments like....um...he 'tastes' good in my mouth! Hehehe! Can't complain about a bit of praise like that, can you? I just......ugh....I feel a bit trapped in all this. Can't tell Sam, can't tell my parents, can't tell Simon or Brandon or Joanna...I can't...express this incredible feeling to anyone and still keep my secret safe! So I'm stuck bottling it all up and trying to cover up this....this...JOY, with some kinda of 'normality' mask while trying not to let these thoughts drive me crazy from the inside out! It's like being Batman or something! What good is it doing all of these wonderful things, if nobody in your life knows about it? Sometimes I feel like I'm about to burst, and the only thing I can share my true happiness with is this damn book!
(No offense, of course!)
I wonder sometimes. I mean...if I'm ever gonna have a boyfriend, and GOD, do I want one...then I'm gonna have to come out of the closet SOMETIME. Aren't I? I mean, it's gonna be pretty hard to explain why I'd much rather watch "Queer As Folk" with AJ than the Victoria Secret Fashion Show over at Sam's. Things are gonna look pretty weird if I show up to parties with AJ instead of spending time with Joanna. I never wanted to tell anybody about my sexuality. Ever! I am so terrified of someone finding out by mistake! And I definitely don't want to tell them on purpose! I'd rather have the Earth open up and swallow me whole than tell somebody that I'm gay! And yet, in order to be happy and find true love...it may be the only way to be really open with someone in a meaningful relationship. It seems that the thing I WANT more than anything in the world, and the thing that terrifies me more than anything in the world, are fighting for 'top billing' in my heart, mind, and soul. Sighhhhh....I don't even know which side I want to win yet. Life's a bitch sometimes.
Anyway, school tomorrow. So I'm going to bed. Besides...all this talk about AJ has gotten me all hot and bothered. If you don't mind, I need to be alone with my 'dirty thoughts' for a few minutes before bed. Nighty night!
Mondays can be weird sometimes. It's like, sometimes those two little days between the last time you saw one of your classmates and the following schoolday can change a person all the way around. Total 180 degrees in the other direction from who they were on Friday. What gives?
Naturally, I'm talking about Dr. Jekyll himself...Jimmy LaPlane! I see him in the hall early in the day, and he hardly says a word to me at all, right? I greet him with a smile and all...and I'm thinking that he had a great time when we hung out and stuff...but today he barely acknowledges me! He just sits in a corner by himself, looking sad. I tried talking to him anyway, but everything is a one word answer, or a total brush off. I asked him if he was ok, and he just shrugs his shoulders and doesn't say anything. As if that's some kind of answer. Well, you know what? I was actually starting to LIKE having him around, but if he's gonna be this moody and strange, then to hell with him. I don't need to sit here and 'guess' whether or not he's gonna be 'Jimmy #1' or 'Jimmy #2' today. I've got better things to do with my time than worry about that loser! I'm sorry, but it just pissed me off, you know? Here I am going out of my way to be nice to somebody who needs it, something that almost NOBODY else in that damn school is trying to do....and he treats me like he doesn't even care?
Well he can keep on not caring as far as I'm concerned. I don't know why I went over there in the first place. I don't need him. If anything, he needs me!
Another person I'm getting fed up with pretty quick is Brandon! The whole flip-flopping attitude thing is getting old. Call it a 'bad day' if you want to, but my tolerance for it was extremely short today. The only thing more frustrating about me being upset with Brandon was that it wouldn't last for longer than a few seconds at a time. Then...for some stupid reason I'd think about his smile or the way he jiggled lightly when he laughed, or how he would sometimes toss his head to the side to flick his hair to one side or another with ease. And I'd find myself missing him more than being angry. I swear...he's the ONLY person on Earth who could do this to me! Grrr! And I HATE that!
Thankfully, Sam had come down from his current funk, and was a bit more approachable than he has been the past few days. Everything was going great until lunch time when I mentioned going to Jimmy's house to play games and all. If only I could draw the face Sam gave me in this book when I told him that...geez. Now...Sam is FAR from being stuck up. He's hardly the one to think himself better or more important than the people around him...usually. But today, the first words out of his mouth were, "What the fuck are you hanging around with him for?" I don't think I even knew how to answer back at first. It caught me SO off guard. I mean...despite Jimmy being a jerk this morning, it didn't mean that he was some kind of disgusting plague on humanity or anything. He's a PERSON for crying outloud. Besides, Sam could hardly understand the true normality of Jimmy until he actually gave him a chance to be around us for a while. And I doubt Sam would ever find it in his heart to be all that forgiving. Gee, and you wonder why I worry about telling him I'm gay.
Especially with him giving me these little punk 'frat boy' moments of surprise the way he does.
So much for telling him about AJ, huh?
There's a big test tomorrow, and despite my sincere attempts to study, I just know I'm going to fail it. I can just 'feel' it. My mind isn't working right, and I don't really care all that much about the material, so it's in one ear and out the other. Not that any teacher on the planet is willing to take that as a valid excuse. I just can't concentrate right now. When I'm not worried, I'm angry. When I'm not angry, I'm confused. And when I'm not confused, I'm thinking about possibly having a boyfriend in 'the works' and drifting off into la la land. I'll just have to wing the exam as best as I can. Wish me luck.
- I just got off the phone with Joanna, and I'm seriously exhausted right now. I swear, she must have given me an entire computer database worth of information in the last hour and a half. If my mom hadn't expressed a need to use the phone, I'd still be trapped right now. But you wanna know something weird? I...I think I'm kinda getting used to her.
Well...that sounds pretty bad. I don't mean it like that. I guess, I'm not really in love, but we're starting to connect a lot more than I ever thought we would. The comfort level between me and her is starting to finally balance out, and I find myself enjoying our talks a lot more thanI did in the beginning. Of course...not for hours and hours at a time...but I DO enjoy them. To be honest, if she were a guy, I would have fallen for her hard by now. I just....wish she wasn't a girl, you know? Ugh! I can't help but feel extremely guilty about that.
How many people throw away a good relationship for a little bonus like sexual gratification? Huh? Is it possible for me to even LIVE without the feel of another cute boy's hot body laying beside me? I mean...sure, there's always the chance that Joanna and I could turn out to be perfect for each other, laugh together, cry together...really get close, you know? And yet, I see AJ a few times in a crowded mall, and I feel like I've already surpassed every attractive feeling that I've had for her so far. That's not cool. It's not even FAIR. If anything, she deserves my attention more than anybody. I guess I'm just destined to be emotionally conflicted for the rest of my life. Always wondering what the grass on the other side of the fence looks like.
God...if you're reading this...nice one. You really are an artist when it comes to the cruelest jokes of all time.
I saw Jimmy in the beginning of the school day, and he apologized for not talking to me yesterday. I never figured he would, so I was surprised. He said that "times were hard" but he refused to go into detail about it. He kept his eyes down to the ground the entire time. I didn't know whether to feel happy or ashamed for being angry at him in the first place. I suppose, since I never walked a day in his shoes, that I couldn't possibly imagine what it was like to be him in this place. He had every right to 'not be in the mood' for your typical conversation. It's kinda stupid to think that me coming ove to his hous for ONE afternoon could possibly make up for the daily trture he's been going through in this place for God knows HOW long. So I was eager to tell him to forge about it, and that it did't matter. Honestly? It lifted my heart to get him to smile for a bit. Even if it faded shortly afterwards.
I expected him to be around later, so I could maybe make plans to go over to his house again. It wasn't 'charity' so much. It was more like me filling the desperate need to help someone who needed it. I 'had' the time that he needed from me...or at least from SOMEONE willing to give a damn. Who am I to deny him that just so I could sit at home and watch reruns on TV? If it were me, it would be eating me up inside knowing that someone could have helped me and been a friend and decided to take care of their own selfish needs or indulge in their laziness instead of reaching out a hand to assist me. I'm being the 'nice guy' again. I can't understand why. It doesn't even pay off for the super heroes in the comic books...what makes me think it's ever gonna pay off for me?
Funny thing is...I didn't see Jimmy anymore that day. He ditched school after I talked to him. Just....'walked out' sometime in the middle of the day. And he didn't come back. It was a weird move, even for Jimmy. So much for extending a friendly hand.
I asked Simon if he wanted to maybe hang out again sometime soon. It was hard, even looking him in the eye, because I was afraid he'd see that as me trying to hit on him again, and this time he'd scream his head off that I was trying to suck his dick or something! But I wanted things to get back to normal as soon as possible. Because if I gave him too much time to think about it...he'd think I was a fag for sure. So, I basically told him that I was saving up to buy a new video game and was hoping that things would naturally flow towards him saying, "Cool! I'll come over on Friday and help you break it in!" But, much to my disappointment, he gave me a very 'restricted' answer. It showed in his face, in his manner, in his mood. Like...he didn't even want to make up an excuse as to why not. That slight bit of discomfort brought an entire fleet of bad dreams and fears to my mixed up mind. I don't think he forgot what happened that Friday in my room at ALL!!! I think he knew EXACTLY what was going on! And this was a 'rejection' on his part! An actual rejection! I could have totally cried at the inner frustration that I felt for even being a PART of that whole thing! He knows! I mean...Simon isn't stupid, and even if he WAS, a boy knows another boy's hardon when he feels it. ESPECIALLY if it's poking at his back door...so to speak. I could feel my stomach drop, and I was so nervous that I pretty much ended the conversation, lightly drew back the invite, and walked away before he remembered that I'm some filthy cocksucker or something. Shit. He remembers it all. I'm so doomed here. I wasn't even sure if I should TALK to him about it or not. Should I? Should I come clean and tell him I'm gay and that I want him? Or...should I tell him I'm gay, and that I'm sorry? I was out of my mind. OR...should I completely deny the whole fiasco and tell him that he's crazy to think I'm some kinda homo? Then again, I might do better just keeping my mouth shut altogether and let his doubts mess with his head until he disregards the whole thing as a figment of his imagination. Dammit! I don't KNOW! All I know is that I wish it had never happened. Or...at least that it had gone further than it did.
I hate being scared about this shit! I might actually have to KILL Simon to keep my sexuality a secret! Arrrrgh! How am I gonna pull THAT off??? Why couldn't he just be fucking GAY???
Shit, I've gotta go. Stuff to do. I'm outta here. More to write tomorrow. Good stuff I hope.
By the way...I'm pretty sure that I fucked up on that test BIG TIME! But I might slide by with a "C-" if I'm lucky. Most of it was multiple choice...so at least I have the odds of a few educated guesses working for me. But the rest? Total failure. My mom's gonna kill me.