- Ok so....something really fishy is going on. And I don't really like it. This isn't a game anymore, what's happening here?
All of a sudden, it's like everybody has got some kinda weird little 'fling' going on behind my back...and nobody's talking about it. Even when I come right out and ask them about it.
You wanna know what happened today? I sent Lee THREE emails, and didn't get a single answer. I called him up, and he almost sounded like he was 'sorry' that he picked up the phone. I mean...I was just gonna ask if he wanted to hang out this weekend or something. Not even for sex or anything, I just...I wanted to talk to him. Be near him for a while. You know...spend some time with my boyfriend? But when I talked to him he was all...different. Like....short and quiet and just...not the 'Lee' I knew at all. I felt like I was bothering him or something. What happened? What did I do? Sometimes it's like I'm bringing nothing but sunshine into his life...and other times it just...it feels like he can't be more annoyed.
Maybe I'm just...making this all up in my head. But I seriously think it's strange that Randall gets to hear from Lee on an almost daily basis...and I have to make special appointments to get the same level of attention now. I know they both go to a different school from me and all, but what's that got to do with a phone call or an email to say 'Hey, Billy. I didn't totally forget about you to go share my giggles with somebody else'? Am I being crazy here? Funny thing, I didn't hear back from Randall yet either tonight. Which only makes things look even worse. I'll bet THEY got a chance to talk tonight. And I'll just bet that Lee was cheerful and happy to hear his voice too.
But nooooo...not from his boyfriend. Not from that big 'burden' weighing down on his shoulders, nagging him to pay it some mind every once in a while.
Whatever. I guess I'm just hurt, that's all. I've been going over every single minute that we've been together, and I've been trying to figure out exactly where I went wrong. I can't seem to pick out any single insult or incident that would cause him to be mad at me. And just recently he came all the way to my school JUST to be with me. Now I can't stop thinking that he's living a whole other life somewhere without me. And that life is more 'Randall' than 'Billy'.
Sigh...AJ pretty much screwed me up for good, didn't he? I'm probably not being fair, but I can't help being hurt.
All I know is that Lee seems to just be able to turn his feelings on and off at his convenience....and I can't do that. I'm trying to be....his dream boy, you know??? Why is that so hard?
FUCK!!! Is love *ALWAYS* this painful???? Does it EVER get any better??? Is there ONE boy out there who won't find some way to either string me along through days and days of torturous pain or just stomp and shred my heart to pieces all at once? Just ONE???
You wanna know something...I thought a lot about Brandon tonight. Probably because I was pissed after talking to Lee for all of 2 minutes on the phone. And, as much as I hate to say it...I'm starting to realize that I'm never gonna find anything that sweet ever again. Am I a bastard for saying that? Probably. But it's how I really feel. I don't always write it in this book...but some days I miss Brandon so much that I just wanna curl up into a tight little ball and roll up under the house in the dark where no one will ever find me again. I can't believe that this still hurts THIS much. I just.....I miss my Brandon. I miss the times we spent together. I miss that wiggly feeling I got every time he told me he loved me. I miss that cute little sheepish grin that he would give me when he had a dirty though. Sure I get that from Lee too sometimes...but it's not the same, you know?
Having Brandon smile at me, and laugh with me, and tell me I'm beautiful over and over again...I really took it for granted when he and I were together. I lost something really precious in him. And for what? Nothing. I didn't realize how much I really loved that boy until he was gone. And after seeing him on the bus this past weekend...I realize that that's going to hurt and ache for the rest of my life.
Sighhh...I don't know why I depress myself so much all the time. Every time thoughts of Brandon bother me, I go chasing after Lee. Every time thoughts of Lee bother me, I go running back to Brandon. I just need to feel loved by somebody tonight.
But it seems that everybody is having fun without me.
I talked to Sam in the halls today, and even he was acting weird around me. I wanted to talk to him about Joanna and Jamie Cross, but he's still strategically avoiding me at every turn. I was like, "Sam...come on! This is important!"
But he's giggling, like, "If it's so important, then just tell me and get it over with. Why do we have to be all secluded and alone all the time?"
I can't even tell why he's being all bashful and difficult about this. Any other time, Sam would JUMP at the time to go to the Hill and talk. Now he needs a global emergency? So I'm like, "Look, fine. Let's go in the stairwell for a second. I want you to hear it from me..." But then he cuts me off!
He's like, "Can't. Sorry, dude...but I made Jimmy a CD last night, and he's trading me this period before next class. So I've really gotta run if I'm gonna catch him."
Jimmy and Sam are trading CDs now??? What the hell...? Has the whole WORLD gone plum crazy? I'm trying to TALK to him! I've gotta share my boyfriend AND my best friend now? What's next? Is my MOM gonna start dating my gym teacher??? I honestly got upset. For a second, I actually WANTED him to find out the hard way. I hope he runs into them in the hallway while Jamie's sticking his tongue down his ex-girlfriend's throat! Why should I care? My best friend is too 'busy' to talk. So let him go. Run off and have fun. Like I care.
Sam can't be bothered with me, Brandon can't be bothered with me, Lee can't be bothered with me, Jimmy's got my best friend all infatuated with his friendship now, and Bobby Jinette has basically 'disowned' me. Wonderful. You know that Bobby doesn't even talk to me in the gym locker room anymore? Well, nowhere near like he used to. It's like he just turned HIS feelings off too.
Who cares if I'm hurt, right? I guess the whole world has more important things to do than waste five minutes talking to stupid ol' Billy Chase. I must be an awful person to not be worth that much.
You wanna know the ONLY thing that helped me make it through the day today at school? Seeing Trace by the lockers on the top floor. I mean, he was the only person that noticed me not smiling. He took one look at me and was like, "Whoah, what's with the 'gloom', dude? You look like you missed the last boat to paradise." THANK YOU! At least SOMEBODY gave a shit about me long enough to ask.
I was like, "It's just a shitty day, that's all. I was beginning to think I was invisible."
I didn't want to start ranting and raving about it, because I was afraid that it would scare off the only friend I had left in the building. But the strange thing is...it was like he knew. He understood completely. He says, "Ahh, don't sweat it, Billy. Sometimes we're invited to the party...and sometimes we've just gotta make our own." He put his arm over my shoulder and everything. He could be soooo friendly once he got to know you, you know? He was like, "Don't let it mess with your head, man. Tomorrow, everybody will be talking to you all at once, and you'll be BEGGING for some peace and quiet. Always be glad for what the stars give ya, bud."
I was like, "Thanks, Trace." And I really meant that. There was something so...soothing about him, you know? It made me feel better. If only for a few minutes. I really needed that. And maybe he's right. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Who knows?
It was just a really bad day, I suppose. I wish I could go to sleep and start this day all over again. Without picturing Lee and Randall laughing and giggling together and appreciating how much fun they can have when I'm not around to screw everything up. Ugh...this ache in my heart is killing me right now. I haven't so much as cracked a smile in the last seven hours. It's like my face doesn't work that way anymore.
I hope I'm just being paranoid. I'll try to fix things with Lee tomorrow. I just don't wanna be the only one making an effort here. Especially if Lee is just getting more and more annoyed by even hearing from me these days.
I just want him to love me back. Why is he cheating me out of his end of this whole thing? No...no, I'm gonna stop now. That was it. I swear. I'm going to bed before I make this feeling any worse.
Ps- Brandon.....sighhhh...I love you. I'm always gonna miss you. No matter what. Love itself just isn't the same without you.
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