"Billy Chase #231"

- Can lightning strike in the same place twice? Probably not. But it seems as though Shitty days can. In fact, I'm starting to think that they can pretty much run consecutively forever...or until God stops laughing at me. Whichever comes first.

No word from Lee tonight. I guess that's a major part of it. I mean...are we broken up or something? Have I been dumped? I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I'm just being needy and weird. I mean, I don't wanna cling to Lee's leg and force him to spend every single free moment he has with me. But...at the same time, I feel like something went wrong here. Like I'm suddenly on the outside of this relationship and looking in through the window to see if there's somebody else inside.

It just sucks. That's all. Owww...my heart hurts.

What makes it worse is that I heard back from Randall asking if I wanted to chat. That's what I ASKED of him, isn't it? I wanted to get to the bottom of his 'friendship' with my boyfriend. But now that he's opening the gates wide and offering to talk to me...I suddenly don't want to know. I mean...well...I DO...but not yet. I'm almost scared to ask. I'm almost scared of what he'll tell me. Does he even know that Lee and I are together? Will I be 'outing' Lee if I ask. He's not the type to just be out and proud. Lee's been pretty discreet about us being together. I wonder if Randall is even aware of the fact that Lee swings that way.

Then again, maybe I'm just using that as a lame excuse to not have my heart completely broken by the ugly truth. At least right now I have enough hope to keep me afloat. So I didn't answer him when I got the message. I'm turning into a world class weirdo right now.

As for Lee...like I said, no word from him at all. So I'm evidently not on his mind. Something happened. I know it did. Somehow, he got bored with me...and now he's looking to spend time talking to somebody else. I failed. I failed as a boyfriend. He fell out of love. Poof! Just like that.

Well fine. Two can play at that game. I'm done feeling like I have to chase him all the time. So he can have all the space he needs. Maybe I'LL just go out and get me a mystery 'Randall' friend of my own to spend time with. Somebody to fill in all the time I have NOT being with him.

Love. Who needs it?

Yeah....crappy moment number two for today.

I tried to not....you know...'force' him to listen to me. I tried to do it some place private where he could kinda deal with it without having to crash and burn in the middle of a school day. Teachers have ZERO sympathy when it comes to anything outside of their precious teaching schedule. It's like they don't believe their students have any life dramas worth worrying about. Whatever.


We were sitting together at lunch, and the idea of letting this go on for one more day was really bothering me. It's been almost a whole week, and every time I even START to bring it up, Sam makes some excuse to run off somewhere or avoid the topic completely. I was trying to be 'normal' for as long as I could. I was like, "So...you know, Jimmy sounds like he's got a little crush on you or something."

I half expected Sam to be grossed out by the idea, but instead, he blushed. Like...REALLY blushed. And he was like, "Hehehe, no he doesn't. Get outta here. You think so?" Even THAT was unsettling to me. What's THAT about?

I told him, "He said he thought you were really cute."

Sam says, "Jimmy thinks a LOT of boys are cute."

I'm like, "Yeah, but you specifically since that night you guys spent together at his house."

Then Sam said, "Yeah, well not as cute as you are." Which threw me for a second, because I could have SWORN that Sam was calling me 'cute'. But then he added, "Jimmy has put you up as the number one cutie on the whole planet. So I doubt I can compete with that one."

He was joking and poking fun at me, I'm sure. But still...it was one of those moments when something felt slightly awkward between us. You know, I saw Sam take a sip of his pink lemonade...and I just found myself staring at his lips for a moment. Like...I squinted my eyes a bit, and for a quick second, I almost could have sworn that they could have been soft enough...sweet enough...to have been the ones that kissed me on my birthday. I don't know why that crossed my mind at that particular moment...but...it was like I had this weird flashback to that mind-blowing kiss, and I tried to mentally insert Sam in the place of the mystery boy. And you wanna know something? It almost fit perfectly.

I mean, am I allowing a sick sense of wishful thinking cloud my judgement on this? My whole life, I've never ONCE seen Sam give me a single sign that he'd be even remotely interested in boys. Not once in all the time I've known him. And we've always been close enough to...um....you know...'experiment' with each other, if he ever got the inkling to do something. That fact, his initial reaction to finding out that I was gay, and him being head over heels for Joanna the way he was, all but points in the other direction. And yet, sometimes...I just don't know. Ugh! I wish my gaydar was better.

I may be wrong for saying this, but I'd do just about anything to have Sam just ONE time. Just ONCE. Hell, I'd even PAY him to let me suck him off or something! It's just one of those fantasies that I guess I never let go. My very first hormones and sexual feelings that I ever head were directed at Sam. I think some of them were still 'connected' to the dream that one day we'd be soul mates somewhere. You know...best friends that get to fuck like jack rabbits whenever they feel like it, and then go back to playing video games. What an awesome life THAT would be, right?

Well, being distracted by my thoughts kept me quiet for the rest of the lunch period, but when the bell rang and people started getting up to go back to class, I managed to catch a glimpse of Jamie Cross in the hall through the cafeteria glass. I guess he was rushing into the cafeteria real quick before his next period to grab a quick cold soda or something. He was in and out in a flash, so he didn't even see me, but it definitely pushed me over the edge, and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was KILLING me to feel like I was hiding the truth from him day after day. I hated to do it, but he was just gonna have to deal with it. I had to tell him.

I knew I'd have to be quick about it so he couldn't escape or change the subject. So...very nervously...I said, "Sam...dude, listen...I've been trying to find a way to do this and not hurt your feelings..."

And the second I said that, his eyes widened, and I could already feel him walking faster to get back to his locker so he wouldn't have to talk to me, but I kept up with his pace. He had his head down, his eyes on the floor. He's like, "Hurt feelings? Psh! Like you could hurt my feelings." He sorta gave me a fake chuckle, trying to joke around a bit more to buy him some time.

I didn't hold off this time. I said, "Sam...it's about you and Joanna..."

He's like, "Whatever. It's no big deal. I'm fine. We're both fine."

I'm like, "I think...I think Joanna kinda has...somebody. You know...like, somebody...else." I cringed when the words left my mouth, and I noticed Sam's steps slowing down. I know he heard me, and I know that it had an impact. I could practically feel it in the air around him. "Sam...I'm sorry, dude. I mean, I just...I wanted to tell you before you just happened to cross paths or something and she..."

But he stopped walking and turned to face me. He said, "Oh....oh that? Yeah. I...I knew all about that. Psh! That's...that's hardly news, Billy. I knew all about that."

He SO totally did not know about that.

I could see the pain in his eyes. Sam's eyes are so clear, so beautiful...they couldn't hold a secret if they tried. Certainly not one this painful.

I wanted to say something. But the second I opened my mouth, he's like, "It's no big deal. Honestly, I was kinda over her anyway. I was just looking for a way to tell her that I was moving on. That's all. We're done. It was fun while it lasted, and now it's, like...over." I think he was literally trembling at that point, and he instantly turned around and started walking again. But much slower this time. His entire posture had changed. It was as if this dark rain cloud had suddenly rushed in to completely envelope his entire existence in darkness. I think my heart was trying to break for him. In a feeble attempt to help him bear the brunt of the pain. It didn't work. Still, as he walked up to his locker to get his backpack, he tried to keep up a brave face. I could see the misery hollowing him inside. He might as well have drank a half gallon of hydrochloric acid.

I was telling him, "Dude...you know what? There are girls that would be tripping all over themselves to be with you. Honestly. It's her loss."

He held himself together. He said, "Hell yeah. I know that. It's nothing to stress over." Then he's like, "There's no way she's gonna be happy with...you know...what's his name? I forget." Now I KNOW he's lying. Nobody forgets Jamie Cross' name. Like...ever.

I was like, "Jamie Cross...." And that was an even HARDER blow to his pride. He seemed shocked at first, then rolled his eyes in this really agonizing way. As though he was trying to accept that one little detail as the final nail in the coffin. The end of every last bit of hope that he had for ever getting back together with his first ever girlfriend. Going up against Jamie Cross for the affections of anybody is waaaay beyond David versus Goliath. It's more like David versus God himself. And with a deep breath, Sam closed his locker and locked it back.

He said, "I can't be late. I'll...talk to you later. K?" And he didn't really wait for me to answer. He just kinda...left.

Did I do the right thing? I mean...he was miserable before, wasn't he? Waiting and wishing and wondering about him and Joanna becoming a couple again. At least now he knows the truth. That's a good thing.

Hmmm....if it's such a god thing, then why do I feel so crummy for doing that to my best friend?

>From what I remember of what I went through with Brandon...us breaking up really hurt. It hurt a LOT! But seeing him with Stevie hurt a million times worse. Simply because I couldn't stand the idea of someone else putting their hands on someone that I loved sooooo much. Kissing their lips, running their fingers through their hair, rolling around naked...limbs entangled, breaths heavy and desperate. I still have to try hard not to think about it. Not that ignoring it makes the ache go away.

If that's what Sam is going through right now...then he's going to be totally out of it for the next few weeks. Maybe even longer. I don't know what else to do other than let him know that I'm here if he wants to talk about it. There's no reason for him to hide the pain from me. I wouldn't look at him any different if he decided he needed to cry on my shoulder for a while. I just wanna help.

Who knows? Sam is kinda cursed with that 'man' gene thing that I missed out on. The gene that's all sports and vagina and never EVER crying in front of another guy, no matter what. I could cut off a freakin' testicle and he'd STILL hide the tears until he got home. But...if he needs his best friend...he's got one.

I'm going to bed. I looked at Randall's email again...and gave it a second thought. But I'm just...I'll talk to him tomorrow. Yeah. That's good enough. I'll sleep on it. Hopefully, Sam and I won't end up in the same Heartbreak Hotel situation. Because I'm not gonna be much good to him if I'm suffering too.

Sigh...at least tomorrow's Friday. Maybe things will get better. Maybe.

All I need is for Lee to send me ONE email. Just one. I think that would recharge my heart from scratch, and I'd be on cloud 9 all over again. Just...I hope he misses me too. Because if he doesn't...

...Then maybe this whole thing is a mistake.

I don't wanna leave this entry on that note. But I don't know what else I can say. :(


- Billy

The "Kiss Mystery" List


~Bobby Jinette~



~Jamie Cross~


~Jimmy LaPlane~




~Stevie (GRRRRR!!!)!