- You know, sometimes it just doesn't pay to wake up in the morning. Even on a Friday. Some days, I wish I could have just slept the whole day away and not have been conscious at all.
My dad yelled at me for not washing the dishes last night. Yelled. And he actually said, "Don't forget that you're still on punishment, young man." Punishment??? Is he SERIOUS? That was like a MONTH ago! He's still holding that one stupid party over my head...a party that I wish had never happened at this point. It's so STUPID!
My day pretty much spiraled out of control from that moment on. Sam has pretty much been a zombie all day long today. I almost feel bad for even being around him. It takes him sooo much extra energy to appear 'normal' when I know his heart is literally broken in half. I doubt he's had a chance to think of anything else. Seeing him hurt like that...it just sucked. But I guess all I can do is give him time...and be there if he wants to talk about it. I can't force him. I just wish I could do more.
He ditched me for lunch today, so I went outside to eat lunch on the lawn instead. Sitting at a cafeteria table all by yourself can look so pathetic, you know? I'd much rather be in the daylight.
Weird thing is, I saw Brandon sitting out there by himself too when I went. It caught me by surprise, but by the time I noticed him, it was too late to really turn around and go back inside. Sighhh...and he's STILL hot! His hair was getting to just that right length where it makes him look super sexy and brings out the color in his eyes. And he was wearing that shirt that I loved on him so much. I can remember seeing him slide it on and off a few times when Brandon and I got together to...well...whatever.
He gave me a look, and despite my many failed attempts at bridging the gap between us...I said hello. He was quiet for a second, then he was like, "Hi..."
It was awkward, but it was probably the most 'civil' conversation we'd had in weeks. He still seemed kinda pouty, but I stepped closer anyway. I said, "I thought you might have stopped eating outside. I haven't seen you out here in a long time."
He was like, "No. I come out here every once in a while. Just to get away from the noise." He wasn't even looking me in the eye. It was like he put up this brick wall between us the second I opened my mouth.
I said, "Well...I see you remembered our special spot. Best part of the whole school lawn if you ask me." I was TRYING to be nice, but when I smiled, he got, like...hostile.
Out of nowhere, Brandon's like, "If you're just here talking to me because you think Stevie and I split up or something...don't waste your breath. My boyfriend and I are just fine." God..you have no idea how much of a rusty screwdriver it is in my chest to hear him refer to Stevie as his boyfriend. He could have tossed ACID in my face and it would have hurt a lot less.
I was like, "Brandon, come on. It's nothing like that. Can't we just 'talk' without it being some kind of trick or scheme to get under each other's skin?"
He said, "Evidently not. And DON'T say that like I haven't given you about a billion chances to prove that theory wrong. Because I did. I really wanted you to be a part of my life, Billy. But every time you don't get your way, you get hurt and angry and try to make me the blame for it. Well, sometimes...the things you say to me hurt MY feelings too. Sometimes the things you do make ME cry. I'm sure that surprises you."
It was insulting. It really was. I didn't come over here to be yelled at and made to feel like some kind of an asshole. So I got up and said, "You know what? Screw this. If you wanna sit here and be pissed off at me, then do it. All I wanted to do was share some time with you, and you fucked that up. So enjoy sitting here all by yourself. I don't need this shit."
And he's like, "Fine!"
And I'm like, "FINE!!!" I started to walk away, but then I got fed up and came back with a few more choice words for that self righteous asshole. I was like, "It BUGS you, doesn't it?" He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, so I said, "You can't STAND the fact that I'm not completely LOST without you, can you?"
He's all, "What? What are you talking about?"
I told him, "You know, when I was sitting here, crying my eyes out and desperate to chase you to the ends of the Earth every day...when it cut a hole in my heart to see you with someone else, you were 'happy' to talk to me. You wanted to joke and smile and be 'friends'. Isn't that what you said? 'Friends'? And the second you see me with somebody else...all of a sudden it's not worth your time to tease me anymore. Is that it?"
Brandon scoffed at me. He was like, "You are really some piece of work, you know that?"
And I said, "How did it feel, Brandon? When you saw me and Lee on the bus this past weekend? Huh? How did it feel to know that I was kissing somebody else?"
And you know what he said to me? He says, "I wasn't thinking about you at all. I was too busy thinking about how good it was going to feel to have sex with my REAL boyfriend that afternoon, instead of aching over an ex who didn't give enough of a shit about me to not CHEAT on me!"
That only got me more heated. I said, "I have apologized until I am blue in the FACE about Bobby Jinette! What the fuck do you WANT from me???"
He's like, "You apologize?"
And I said, "YES!!! I apologize! It was the biggest mistake of my whole life, and I'm SORRY! Ok?"
But Brandon just tells me, "Ok. Fine. I apologize for Stevie then." And there was a few seconds that went by, where he looked at the angry expression on my face, and he said, "Yeah...doesn't do much to 'fix' things, does it? Still hurt?"
Honestly, I could have battled it out with Brandon for the rest of the day and well on into the night. But....even when I was furious at him...he was still the prettiest boy in school. And a large chunk of my heart was gonna remain in his possession forever. No matter how many times he threw it back in my face. So, with a heavy sigh and a sink in my shoulders...I told him the truth. "Yeah...it still hurts." I was looking at his shoes when I said it, but I could tell that he was surprised by my answer. And for the first time, I heard some of the frustration leave his voice.
He said, "Billy...why do we do this? It's just ridiculous."
I said, "I think 'this' is all we have anymore. To be honest...I think it's the only thing that connects me to you at all."
Brandon paused for a moment, and told me, "Let's face it, Billy...it wouldn't have worked out in the long run. Maybe what I want and I need in a boyfriend is totally different from what you want and you need in a boyfriend. Stevie's making a real effort to be that special guy for me. And I'm doing the same for him. We're both learning how to communicate and make a real go at something real." I rolled my eyes. Maybe it was an involuntary action, because it happens every time I hear his name. This time, however, Brandon stopped me. And he said, "You know...I realize that you think that Stevie is this really creepy and awful person, but he's not. All he does is tell me he loves me and he thinks about me, and he makes me feel good inside. He's the same person that you used to be with me. Except....Stevie never stopped. And you did."
I'm like, "I regret ever hurting you. You know I do."
And he said, "I'm sorry, Billy. But your regret has nothing to do with how I feel. And...I really really WANT your apology to be enough, because...there are times when I really miss you too. But..."
I'm like, "But WHAT? Why are you complicating this?"
He says, "Because you don't know what you WANT, Billy! That's why. Right now, you're ready to leave your current boyfriend for another chance with me. You're not thinking about how HE would feel if he knew about this. Are you? It's because you don't care. My feelings aren't invulnerable to heartache. And I can't be some 'trial and error' practice boyfriend for you to use to figure out how to treat people. What you do, what you say...it has an impact on the people who have let you get close enough to their hearts for your cuts to go deep. This world isn't just about you and what you want. Other people matter. *I* matter. And I wanted to share myself with you, but you've obviously got a lot of other priorities that you need to get out of your system before you're ready to truly give up a bigger portion of yourself to be with me. Or with anybody for that matter. So you go. Go do whatever it is that you have to do. Screw whoever it is you want to screw. I can't hold your hand and walk you through this, Billy. And I'm not gonna promise to still be available when you figure things out. I'm just...I'm sorry."
After that, Brandon stood up, and he got his stuff so that he could walk away this time while I tried to keep my tears from falling. HARDLY an easy task, believe me. And just as he got a few steps away from me, I sniffled a bit, and I asked him..."Brandon? Do you still wish it was me?"
And he's like, "Huh?"
And I said, "One time...we were talking, and you aid that you still loved me, and that....you wished it was me. So...do you still wish it was me? Or is that over now?"
The silence was deafening, and I couldn't hold back my tears for a second longer. I dunno, maybe that was 'cheating', having me cry in front of him like that. But he actually said, with all sincerity, "I will always wish that it was you, Billy. You were my first real boyfriend. Nobody ever forgets their first."
So here I am just...lost again. I mean, I'm trying so hard to understand, but I can't. Does he love me, or not love me, or love me as a friend, or does he hate me, or does he just WANT to hate me..even though he doesn't? What the heck is going through Brandon's head? Why can't he make up his mind? At least if his hatred of me was consistent, I could learn to hate him BACK! But I...I just can't. I really can't.
Anyway...I think I'm gonna spend this weekend putting some serious thought into whether I'm gonna give up forever, once and for all...or if I'm gonna put the spurs to Brandon and TAKE his love back, even if I have to half strangle him to death with my own bare hands until he submits. Either way...at least I'd have a concrete answer, and I could stop worrying about it all the time.
I'll call Sam tomorrow just to make sure that he's alright. And Lee? Well, I'm just tired of hurting over him right now. I'll save that battle for another day.
I'm going to bed. But I'll write more later. Hopefully with much better news.
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