Saturday

- So...I kinda did something that I may or may not regret in the future. But he totally deserved it, and all I did was tell him the truth. So...what do I have to feel so bad about?

I think it all started because Lee sent me an email last night after I went to bed. So it was, like...the first thing I saw when I woke up this morning. It should have been a relief and a blessing to finally hear from him again and know that things were 'ok' between us. But instead...it was just plain frustrating.

He was all...cheerful and shit. As though he hadn't been purposely avoiding me for an entire WEEK! Like nothing was wrong at all. He was all like, "Hey, Billy! What's been going on, dude?" With his usual set of cute little smiley faces and kisses. I mean, he can't help but to be cute...because he's Lee. But still, I felt as though I deserved an explanation as to why he felt it unnecessary to say ONE word to me for an entire week. Me...his supposed boyfriend. This is not how I expected this situation to go at all.

I mean...don't get me wrong, he's sooooo beautiful! And he was being sweet and all. I have to admit that. But...I just spent day after day in misery while he was off having a good time, laughing and playing somewhere else with his friends. And now I don't even get a simple, 'Sorry, Billy. I should have talked to you.' I honestly just ignored his email today. Even though I desperately wanted to talk to him and ask him where he's been and what he's been up to. More importantly, I was so horny that I wanted to fuck his BRAINS out til I explode!!! Lee is not a boyfriend that you can be close to and not totally 'ravage' every chance that you can get. (Sorry...can't help that he's hot.) But seriously, I felt like I needed him to see what it feels like to be ignored and forgotten. I wanted him to squirm for a while. Then maybe he'll understand how I feel when I'm sitting here like an idiot...waiting for my Prince Charming to care about me while he's off doing God knows what. I've already PLAYED this game before with AJ! I'm not gonna do it again. If he doesn't care about me, then I need him to be a man and tell me so. Because it SUCKS to just be left hanging like this all the time. It may only seem like a few days to him, but it's an ETERNITY to me. And he doesn't seem to have any mental concept of that at all.

It's called empathy. It means you think about how somebody ELSE feels besides yourself. He should get some.

Then again, it's not totally his fault though.

I think a lot of my anger is coming from what Brandon told me yesterday on the lawn at lunch. I mean, seriously....he's acting like I'm just a completely heartless individual. And I'm NOT! How DARE he say that I only think about myself! I looked back through a bunch of my journal entries, and despite my major fuck ups in our relationship, all I EVER did was talk about how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. All I ever wanted was him. Brandon was such an amazing person to me, and I was willing to give ANYTHING to have his heart. I'm STILL willing to do anything to have his love be a part of my life. Not because I'm selfish, but because we BOTH enjoyed being together. We BOTH used to laugh together. We BOTH used to get shivers when our lips touched. I'm not making this up, you know? I cared more about Brandon than I did about myself. And he wants me to believe that I'm just some jerk who can't sympathize or think about other people's feelings, just because I made some stupid mistakes. What-EVER! I may have wrecked things, but at least I'm attempting to put things back together. He'd rather it stay broken. What is that about?

Anyway...it was Lee's email that put me in a bad mood in the first place, and it was really hot outside, but my dad still has this stupid obsession with mowing the lawn every Saturday morning. But I stayed up late last night. I honestly couldn't sleep for a LONG time. Brandon's words really hurt. And Lee's LACK of words really hurt. It kept me up and stressed out until I was literally passing out from exhaustion. So I wanted to sleep in JUST a little bit later than usual. Just a 'little' bit longer, you know? Maybe an hour or two. I mean...what the fuck did my dad expect to happen? Did he think the grass was gonna mutate in the next hour and grow into giant monsters hell-bent on taking over the house and kill us all??? It's SATURDAY, for chrissake! What's the difference if I cut the lawn at 9 AM or at 11 AM? He's insane!

So he keeps bugging the SHIT out of me to wake up, and I'm already tired, heartbroken, uncomfortable, and angry. So once I realize that he's not taking the hint and refuses to leave me alone, I seriously jump out of my bed while he's standing there in the door way and stomp my way over to the fucking closet to get dressed. I was so FURIOUS that I couldn't even look him in the face. And he's staring at me like *I'M* the one with the problem! I'm slamming doors and snatching shirts off of hangers, and he's like, "You know, you are starting to get a real attitude problem around here, Billy. And I want it to STOP!"

My adrenaline was so high from the rage that I was literally shaking. And you know how you reach that level where you KNOW that you're dealing with a 'parent'...and you're standing RIGHT on the line, but you wonder whether or not you're ready to cross it...just to test the boundary and see what happens? As far as I was concerned...he just kept pushing me until I went over the edge. So screw it!

I was like, "Why can't you just leave me alone??? Why am I still being punished for something I did a MONTH ago! This is so STUPID!"

And he was like, "But the real question is have you learned anything from it? Or are you still the same delinquent in the making that you were when your mother set you down on my front step? Is that what you want? To grow up to be some kind of boozer hooligan with no respect for anyone at all?" Something about that statement REALLY angered me. Because it was almost the same thing that I was going through with Brandon. He was making the SAME accusation! Like everything I've ever done is set in stone and beyond forgiveness! This...coming from my dad who just RUINED his marriage to my mom and left us to shack up with some bitch that he shouldn't have even been LOOKING at, much less destroying his family life for! Who is HE to tell me that I'm messing up my life? Is he Mr. Perfect? No! Not at all. So I shot him a nasty look and tried my best to bite my tongue. But he wouldn't leave it alone. He's like, "You see? That's your problem. You just think you can glide through life and not deal with the stupid things that you've done. You think the rules don't apply to you. That there aren't any consequences to your actions. Well, wake up, kiddo. Because if you think your mother and I are just gonna let you run wild while we turn the other way, you are SERIOUSLY mistaken, mister."

That infuriated me even more! I mean, what the hell was he gonna do? 'Spank' me? To hell with this. I gave him both barrels and told him that I was sick of being treated like a baby. He gave me both barrels and told me to stop acting like one. And at one point in our argument...I said something that brought the conversation to an abrupt halt. I yelled, "I can't TAKE this anymore!!! I wanna go home! I *HATE* it here! I'm calling Mom and telling her` that I wanna move back home! This place sucks, and I wanna go back to live with Mom!!!"

I think the statement surprised us both. I really do. It wasn't until I saw the look on my father's face that I realized that it was kind of a 'low blow' in the argument. It was this...'hurt' look that went beyond the typical nasty comment reaction. I think I might have done something to realy hurt his feelings this time, and I regretted it instantly. But it was TRUE! I wanted to be back in my old room, on my own computer. I missed the neighborhood, I missed being close to Sam, I missed my mom, I missed...sighhh...I just missed my LIFE. That's all. Every bit and piece of my comfortable life was back in that neighborhood...in that house...in my old bedroom. And living here just wasn't cutting it anymore. I was sick of trying to make the best of a bad situation. Since we're talking about empathy...maybe he should take a second and think about how I feel about even BEING here, living like this!

So yeah...he basically told me, "Just....mow the lawn, Billy." And he shut my bedroom door. But...I could tell that something was different. I might as well have stabbed him in the nuts with a fork. I didn't mean to hurt him, I was just...we were just fighting and it slipped out. I don't know how that's going to affect things around the house...but in a way, I'm glad I finally said something. Because it's been on my mind for weeks, and I was going CRAZY in this house! I have been from the very first time I tried to sleep on this bogus ass sofa bed with the giant iron bar in the middle. I just...

I just wanna go home. You know?

Anyway...life is so 'up in the air' right now. On all counts. I wish that I knew a way out, but I'm only 15 years old. What am I gonna do? Get my own apartment across town? Force Lee to move in with me and try to manufacture this 'happily ever after' scenario for myself by manipulating other people into doing what I want them to do? Being who I want them to be?

It's crazy how you can feel sooooo alone...even when you're surrounded by other people. Awesome people...but...disconnected people.

I'm going to bed. I feel rotten right now. And my dad hasn't spoken word one to me all day. I think I'm just gonna hide in my room until tomorrow. The rest of the world is weighing heavy on my shoulders right now...and I just can't handle anything else going wrong. Another reason to not answer Randall's email just yet. One more bad thing, and I'm gonna drink a whole bottle of bleach until I pass away. I can't handle anymore.

When the whole world hates you...what's the point of even trying to get out of bed in the morning? I'd rather be hated from a distance, then up close and personal.

Who knows...maybe I'm better off alone.

Gotta run. Later.

- Billy