- "Get as much of your stuff together as you can before you go to bed tonight."
That's what my dad said to me early this afternoon. He didn't really look me in the eye when he said it...and he kinda mumbled a little bit...but my silence must have let on that I was totally confused by that statement.
He was like, "I talked to your mother today. We discussed the situation. And if you're willing to behave yourself, Billy...we don't see any reason why you can't go back home and live with your mother." Now...under any other circumstances, I would have done a series of backflips and moonwalked back to the bedroom to get my bags. But...there was something so...awful in his tone of voice. Something so 'defeated', you know?
There was nothing that felt 'good' about this news at all.
I didn't have much to say to him all day, and he seemed to be comfortable with that. In fact, even his...'mistress' lady was giving me looks as though she felt, like...sorry for me. Or maybe sorry for the both of us. Who knows? But it gave me a sour feeling in the center of my heart to know that I yelled at him like I did. I mean...there was a time when I would have done ANYTHING to keep him at the house with me and Mom. But I let my temper get out of hand. And I really think I hurt his feelings this time.
You know, it's hard to believe, but even though I've been living in the same house with my dad for my whole life (up until recently), I felt like I hardly knew him at all. I mean...I KNEW him, he was my dad. But...I hardly ever had to think of him as anything else. Sometimes I wonder if he ever got in trouble with his parents, or if he ever had a friend like Sam to just sit on the Hill and shoot the shit with on a sunny weekend. I wondered if he ever ditched class, or drank beer until he threw up, or stayed out past his curfew. I didn't know him as anything more than my father. It must be a strange role to have in someone else's life. A stranger with a familiar face. How weird is that?
I won't pretend that I'm not happy to go home...but it came at a price. And I've been tip toeing around the house ever since.
I called Sam earlier today, hoping to just...take my mind off of things for a while. The house was so quiet. It was killing me. It was good to hear his voice...but he didn't seem to be in much better spirits than I was at the moment.
There were pauses between us in our conversation, and to anybody who knows anything about me and Sam...they know that just doesn't happen. Like....ever.
He was like, "Hey, dude." And I think he tried to make it sound cheerful...but it just didn't. Much better than the lackluster response I got from my boyfriend a week ago...but not by much. I asked him what he was up to, and he said, "I dunno. Nothing much really. I guess I'm just being a bum today. Sitting around the house watchig mindless garbage on TV."
I was like, "Are you naked?"
He gave me a bit of a chuckle and said, "You wish." I think his smile was genuine, but it didn't last long. It lead to another pause between us...and it just felt...'weird'.
I said, "Hey...my dad says that I can come back home soon. Maybe even tomorrow."
He was like, "Really? Thank God. It seems like you've been away for years already. They might as well have sent you to prison."
I told him, "I know, right? It's going to be awesome to live just around the corner from my best friend again." I smiled, he didn't. So I asked, "Ok, so should I keep pretending that nothing's wrong, or are you going to talk to me?" Naturally, he tried to deny it, but I know him too well to not hear it in his voice. I already knewthe anser, but I asked him anyway. "It's Joanna and Jamie, isn't it?"
He sighed, and he said, "Yeah. I guess." He guesses? It's gonna be a while before he snaps out of it. I know it is. He said, "I keep looking back at everything, and all I see is screw ups and mistakes. I fucked up, Billy. I fucked up the best thing that I've ever had in my whole life. And now she's with somebody else." His voice got even sadder with every word. And he said, "How can she just 'move on' without me like that? I never would have abandoned her like that. Never." Sam stopped for a second, and he was like, "Dude...I'm sorry. I don't mean to depress you with this shit. I just...I miss her, you know?"
I said, "You're NOT depressing me, Sam. Life can't be super happy and giggly ALL the time. And when it isn't...that's when you're supposed to talk it out and lean on your friends for support."
He said, "Yeah, but...it's totally selfish of me to bitch and moan to you about her like this all the time."
I told him, "It would be totally selfish of me to want you to be cheerful and fun for my benefit. So bitch and moan all you want. Trust me...if you only knew how much shit I had going on in my head most of the time, you'd probably run from me every time you saw me coming. Hehehe!"
He laughed a bit more, and he said, "If I was gonna run away from you, Billy, I would have done it long before now. So I guess you're stuck with me."
I don't know why that statement struck such a chord with me...but it truly gave me a warm feeling inside, you know? I said, "That's not such a bad deal."
There was another pause...and I just...I listened to him breathing for a few seconds, before he asked, "Um...so...about Joanna...?" I felt like I lost focus for a minute there, but told him to go ahead. He said, "Billy, can I ask you someting?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
And he says, "When you and...um...Brandon broke up...that 'ache' inside...did it ever go away?"
I thought about it for a moment, and I could have lied to him, but who would I be fooling? Sam would have been able to tell right away. I said, "No. It never did. It gets better, sure. But...sometimes I'm still a little raw over it."
Sam was like, "Yeah. That's what I figured." Then he said, "I guess we both have tender hearts, huh?"
And I'm like, "Yeah. Two of kind."
I talked to him for about an hour, and I think it made him feel good to vent a bit. Keeping it all inside was tearing him up much worse than the break up itself, I think. He really was in love. I'm jealous. I'd be lucky to have Sam tell me he loves me even half as much as he loved her. He said that he was looking at old love notes from 'Joey', and he just wished he could get back to being that happy again. But he couldn't fix it. At the end, all they had was conflict. And then she left. Sam said he never regretted anything more than not having that relationship work out like it should have. It made me think.
I went back and looked at some old emails and notes that Brandon and I exchanged when we were together. It was a weird feeling, you know? I mean, they made me smile at first. They were so happy and lovey dovey and some of them were downright SEXY! Hehehe! But then...the 'hurt' crept in. Because whoever those two boys were...they just seemed to be...gone. Lost forever. Where did they go? Why did that stop? Sometimes it's like they never existed at all.
Great. Now I'm pulling my mood down in the muck again. Ah well...if I can't expect Sam to be happy all the time, I can't expect myself to be happy all the time either. I guess that's life.
Well...I've gotta make sure I finish packing my stuff. I'm not sure if I'm actually going home tomorrow after school or what. But I guess I'll figure that out later. I kinda don't wanna ask my dad. Don't want to seem too eager, you know?
I didn't answer Lee's email yet tonight. He's still on 'punishment'. I doubt that I could go as long as he did not talking to me...but I at least want him to notice.
I don't know, maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I can always hope, right?
Psh...all of my hopes...resting on a MONDAY. Perfect.
|The "Kiss Mystery" List|