- Well...the big move happened sooner than I expected. I guess my dad was like...anxious to 'get rid of me' or whatever. He waited until I came home from school, but once I was home he told me to work on my homework. We had one last dinner together, and then he packed my stuff into the trunk of his car and took me home. I have to admit...I almost felt bad about saying goodbye to that harsh iron bar in the middle of that damn pull-out sofa bed. I can't even imagine how good I'm going to sleep without that big, painful, rod digging into my ribs and stomach all night long. I'm going to have to readjust to actual 'comfort' all over again.
My dad didn't say much else other than, "Be good, Billy. Your mother has enough to worry about without you slipping up on us. Alright?" He tried not to let it show, but there was a lingering pain in his voice from what I said to him this past weekend. You know...about wanting to go home to Mom. I was angry and he was making these little smart remarks to me, and I blew up. But I didn't think the consequences of saying what was on my mind would actually hurt him so much. When he pulled up in the driveway and helped me with my bags...he was dead silent. He barely looked me in the eye. I felt like he was cutting me off completely, and that hurt. It really did. But then again, I guess I deserved it.
It was a brief moment of joy, but seeing my mom and dad together again, even for just a minute or two of civil chit chat...it was like...'magic' to me, you know? They even kissed each other goodbye. Even though I knew it was only a few temporary pleasantries...I kinda liked the idea of them being nice to each other long enough to do 'business'. 'Business', of course....meaning trading me back and forth like a rookie baseball card. It was a silly thought, I know...but for a little while, ideas of my family getting back together instead of being so irreparably broken for all eternity really appealed to me.
Maybe that's just stupid. I guess I'm just a sucker for a happy ending. Life would be too miserable to bear without at least a LITTLE sunshine here and there. You know?
Anyway...I'm finally HOME again. My room almost looked like an alien landscape to me after having been gone for so long. I'm finally closer to everything that I have invested my 'familiar life' into. Closer to school, closer to my friends, closer to Lee, closer to Sam, closer to Simon....it's a homecoming that I have been waiting for forever. It felt soooo good to see my old computer again, my old bed, my CDs and just....being able to kick my shoes off and not feel like a stranger under my father's roof. It was a sigh of relief, believe me.
I half expected my mom to really give me a working over as far as lecturing me about parties and drinking and 'safety' and all that. But instead, she just kinda kissed me on the forehead and gave me a hug. I almost didn't know how to take it. I mean....was she, like...gonna jump me the second my dad left or what? But no...it looks like she actually missed me too. Go figure. I never know WHAT parents are thinking. They're so damn unpredictable.
I was in school earlier this morning, and Jamie Cross actually spoke to me out of the blue. You wanna know something? I think for the first time in Billy Chase history...I felt BAD about being seen talking to him. I mean, don't get me wrong..he's still totally gorgeous and he's still a totally sweet guy...but, truth be told, I felt like such a bastard for having a friendly 'chit chat' with the boy who stole my best friend's girl. You know? It was the strangest feeling in the world to me. I'm not used to being that close to Jamie Cross and not falling all over myself just to see if I can inspire a single genuine smile from him. But the butterflies were different this time around. All I could think about was whether or not Sam was gonna suddenly walk out from around a corner and see us together. It would just pulverize what was left of his poor heart and send him spiraling down into depression. Either that, or he'd pull out a shotgun and do us both right there in the hallway.
I was like, "Hey, Jamie...I don't mean to cut you off or anything...but I've kinda...I've gotta get to class." I could NOT believe that I was walking away from Jamie Cross. If anything, I should be trotting behind him on a freakin' LEASH, trying to catch secret sniffs of his butt to satisfy the uncontrollable lust I maintain for that boy. But...he didn't protest.
He just said, "That's cool. I'll catch up to you another time. Might be having another party soon, dude. You should stop by." What a life. Always throwing parties.
I was like, "Yeah. Ok." Should I have even said that? I can't hang out with Sam's worst enemy. That just wouldn't be cool at all. Hmmm...I wonder if Joanna gives Jamie blowjobs? Omigod...I can't believe I just thought that! Well...then again...as long as I'm thinking about it...
How sexy would that be? Being allowed to wrap my lips around him and place my palms down on his thighs or his flat stomach, and suck the living ooze right out of him until it splattered al over the roof of my mouth. I actually 'excited' myself and had to find a drinking fountain. Quick! See...if you bend over at the drinking fountain, it's sometimes easier to hide a boner in a hurry. They're practically the 'emergency horn dog booths' of the school. Bend down, and pretend to drink until it goes away. Sometimes the cold water helps. Ok...much better. Maybe I should leave the 'fantasizing about giving Jamie's luscious rod a mean sucking' as an activity that I get into ONLY at home, from now on. Good idea, huh?
I saw something today that really kinda gave me a variety of conflicting feelings. I couldn't quite describe it, or why it even mattered to me at all...but I kinda saw Stevie getting bullied today. Now normally, the very thought of some big guy punching a hole right in the center of that smug FACE of his would excite me to the point of orgasm. NORMALLY, seeing something like him getting pushed around by a couple of seniors would either make me cheer them on, or simply burst out laughing. But today...my reaction was truly something that I didn't count on. Was that....'sympathy'???
It wasn't like an actual fight or anything, but Stevie was just trying to walk away, and I saw him get pushed up against the lockers and they called him a 'fag' loud enough for everyone in the hallway to hear. Stevie's no friend of mine. Not at ALL. But something about the whole situation forced me to put myself in his shoes. And that was NOT somewhere that I wanted to be. It happened so fast that I could hardly absorb what was going on until it was over. I just...I couldn't help but to feel like they were attacking...one of my own.
Is that TOTALLY fucking bonkers or what? I should be running the fucker down and tackling him to the ground so he couldn't get away from his much deserved beating. And yet, at that moment, I felt kinda bad for him. I couldn't even remember why I was mad at him...for a FEW seconds anyway. Then I remembered and tried to instantly stop giving a shit.
He just kinda walked away with his head down. really fast, you know? But not running. I don't think he even saw me standing there, but he walked right past me. Just trying to get to...um...safety, I guess. Do the other kids at school know about him? Did they find out? Do they know about him and Brandon? Unless something has changed since we were together, Brandon is SERIOUSLY scared of being outed against his will and before he's ready. What's going on with that? I might have to do some snooping or something. Ugh, I have been so out of the loop since I've been away. I've been coming to school, but that little extra touch of living closer to school and my friends has put distance between me and everything that's going on in this place. I swear.
I've gotta run. But before I do, I wanna say that I got an interesting email from Randall tonight. you wanna know what he said? He's like, "Lee thinks you're pissed at him. Are you guys ok?"
I wasn't going to answer at first, but after thinking about it for a few minutes, I typed back, "I'm not pissed at him. Ok?" And the truth is, I really wasn't. I just...I felt like he had completely forgotten about me. And my heart doesn't take kindly to taking on unnecessary damage if it doesn't have to. I backed away from him. Partially out of frustration, and partially out of fear. If he can just 'dismiss' me like that whenever he feels like it...then he could walk away from me, break my heart, and never look back. It could happen at any time. It could happen tomorrow, if he decides. Deep down, I think I was just beginning to feel like I had everything to lose...and Lee had nothing to worry about at all. It was unbalanced, and I was on the losing end. I thought of him like he was pure gold, and he was thinking of me as some rusty old penny in his pocket. He holds on to me for a while, sure, but it's no stress to him at all if it gets lost or he tosses it into the gutter. It's a hard position to be in.
Still...I let Randall know how I felt about the whole situation, and he wrote back, "What are you doing tomorrow, Billy?" Sighhh...once again, Randall's creepy obsession with being all buddy buddy with me started to raise its ugly head.
I couldn't think of an escape fast enough....so I just said, "Nothing. Why?"
He's like, "Do you remember how to get to my house? We need to talk. About Lee...and some other stuff. Can you come over after school?"
It was the one time that I wish I was grounded. I was like, "Yeah. Fine."
It takes him a little longer to get home from his private school than it does for me from my school, but he said he'd catch the first bus and try to be as quick about it as humanly possible.
Whatever. I don't know why I'm doing this, but if Randall has something to tell me that will help to 'fix' me and Lee and make things like they were before...I'm all for it.
Alright, that's it. I'll write more tomorrow. Homework calls.
I wish I had a more adventuresome life. This is sooooo boring....
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