- Arrrgh! I think I screwed up again today. And I just...I don't know what to do anymore. Every time I try to help out, I make things even worse.
See...this morning, I was careful not to make the same mistake as yesterday. So the first thing I did was walk straight over to Sam's house before school and made sure that he answered the door. I'll be damned if I spend another morning tearing my hair out and having a nervous breakdown over him being depressed. As soon as he opened the door, I could take one look at his hair and saw that he was planning to ditch again. I marched right through the door and said, "Get dressed. Come on, we're going to school. Hurry up, we'll be late."
He's like, "Billy...for God's sake, what's with you?"
But I didn't take no for an answer. He tried to tell me that he still didn't feel like going, and I told him, "If you're ditching, then I'm ditching. Period."
Which made him huff and puff and roll his eyes, but I made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere without him. Finally, he's like, "You can be a HUGE pain in the ass, you know that? And not in a 'gay' way." But it at least got a smile out of him. Well...a smirk anyway. Then he's like, "Fine. I'm gonna take a really quick shower. Just...busy yourself with something entertaining."
And I said, "Cool. Where's your underwear drawer?" Sam's jaw dropped for a second and he laughed.
He's like, "You stay the hell away from my undies, ya perv!" He blushed so hard that he to practically run out of the room to hide it from me. Hehehe, it was the first smile that I've seen from him in a long time. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I got it back.
He smelled soooo good when he came back into the room with just a glaring white towel wrapped around his waist. I have to admit to feeling a certain...'pull' in his direction when I took a look at him. Shirtless and clean...little droplets of water falling from the golden tips of his blond hair and landing on his shoulders. He smiled when he walked in, and said, "Don't look." Then he pulled one of his drawers open and got a pair of black boxer briefs to wear. "Hehehe, perv. What time is it?"
I'm like, "We've still got time."
And he's like, "Cool." But then he opens his closet door, which is blocking him from my view...and I see the white towel flop over the top of the door. And my heart, like, STOPPED! Because I'm thinking, holy SHIT! He's NAKED!!! I couldn't see anything, but it took everything in my power not to get down on my knees, crawl over there, and literally BEG him for a taste! And I mean BEG!!! He bent over to step into his underwear, and just a tiny little bit of his round ass peeked out from behind the door. It was there for a second, and then it was gone. I hardly had a chance to gasp. Then I heard them sliding up his legs, and he bounced a little to get the snug boxer briefs to fit him comfortably. I then heard him reaching for clothes in his closet, pulling stuff off of the hangers to put them on for the day. But the whole time I was trying not to drool all over myself.
I honestly thought that I was done with this whole thing. I feel like I'm nine years old all over again. Even then I think I was in love with him. I was so devoted to us spending every minute of the day together. Then...about age 10 or 11...just 'being together' wasn't enough anymore. I think it was my 10th birthday party, when my parents had a little party for me, and there was this little grab bag of stuff...and Sam got a pair of wax lips that he put in and kept pretending that he was gonna kiss me with them. We were both laughing really hard at the time, but I just remember...
...I remember how BADLY I wished he could kiss me...without the wax lips. I remember getting really hard and getting so shy that I had to avoid him for the rest of the week after that. Which was worse, because I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was just...so confusing. I thought I had gotten a grip on my feelings for him, but every now and then they rear their ugly heads and set me adrift all over again.
He finished getting dressed and spread his arms out, like, "How do I look? Happy now? I'm all 'school ready'."
I was quiet for a second, then I said, "G-g-good. It's...uh...hehehe, it's about time." I could feel myself getting all shy again. Especially when he sat next to me on the bed to put his socks and shoes on. God, he smelled good.
We walked side by side on the way to school and he told me that he'd better have a perfect day today because he was gonna sucker punch me if I ruined it by making him get out of bed in the first place. It was cool to share a laugh or two, but after a brief pause, I told him, "You know...I think Jimmy's a little worried about you."
Sam was like, "Yeah well, Jimmy worries about a lot of stuff." Then he's like, "Wait...he doesn't, like, talk about me to you...does he?" He already looked as though he had been betrayed. As though sharing some of his 'private' Jimmy LaPlane conversations with his best friend was going to be some great tragedy. So, it sucked, but I put his mind at ease.
I said, "No. He just said he was worried. That's all." I take it that was my sucker punch for the day.
Then Sam says, "Well, tell him not to sweat it. If I was gonna kill myself I would have done it weeks ago. At the moment, I'm kinda getting used to the torture of it." He stopped talking for a moment then covered it up with a smile. And he said, "I hear we're having those little rectangle pizza slices for lunch today..." Which of course led to another morning of evading basically every word I spoke in his direction about it. But what was I gonna do? Force him? I figured I'd just keep my mouth shut and just...I don't know....try not to think about how much it bugs me.
The 'BAD' thing is...once lunch time rolled around, Sam and I were walking down the hall towards the cafeteria...and he was almost smiling the way he used to before all this madness happened...I was starting to think that me being back home and in his life again was actually doing some good...
Then...we saw Jamie Cross walking around the corner with Joanna holding his hand...
...And every bit of Sam's happiness was destroyed all at once. I mean completely obliterated, inside and out.
Joanna and Sam's eyes met, and for one intense, eternal, moment...everything froze. Before I knew it, Sam gritted his teeth and turned around to storm off in the other direction, slamming his fist into one of the lockers before turning the corner. I know that Joanna didn't really do anything wrong really, other than walk in a public place with her new 'boyfriend'...but still, I shook my head and gave her the dirtiest look imaginable. She just fucking wrecked EVERYTHING by being so damn heartless! Maybe it was just me automatically taking my best friend's side, but I hated her for hurting him like this. Jamie too.
Maybe Jamie a little less, because...sighh....he was looking really hot today.
But that's beside the point!
I went after Sam and had to chase him into a stairwell. He was so hurt and so angry that he was pacing back and forth, looking like he wanted to punch a hole in world. Then his heavy breathing started to sputter a bit, almost turning to whimpers as his eyes watered up. I was like, "Sam...dude...I know that it hurts..."
But he's like, "No you DON'T, Billy!!! STOP saying that!" He turned his back on me for a second, then turned back around like, "Why couldn't you have just left me alone today? Why couldn't you just keep your fucking nose out of my life??? I DON'T wanna be here! I DON'T want to talk to you about it! I just...I just..." He was sooooo damaged. I didn't even recognize his face at that moment. I thought he was going to literally explode. And then he just walked away from me. I called after him as he rushed down the steps, but he just shouted, "Fuck you, Billy!" And that was that.
I just...leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor for a few minutes. What did I do? I couldn't just let him stay home forever. He was smiling, wasn't he? I wasn't trying to interfere, I just...I wanted my friend to feel better. I wanted him to stop hurting, and now I've made it even worse.
I don't know what the hell else to do for him. Especially with this big communication brick wall between us all of a sudden. So...I did the only thing I could do. I swallowed my pride, and I gave my Sam over to someone else who might be able to help him better.
I found Jimmy somewhere around the end of the day at his locker...and I basically told him the same thing he told me the other day. He asked me, "But I thought...I mean if you guys are so close and he's right around the corner from your house..."
I stopped him and I said, "Yeah, I know, but..." I took a breath, because it really hurt me to say it. I was like, "...I think that...in this case, anyway...it's better if Sam had somebody to talk to about this that wasn't me. You know?" Jimmy seemed a bit confused by that. I asked him, "Can you just...do that for me? Please? He won't talk to me the way he talks to you. It's just better this way."
Jimmy just kinda nodded and said, "Sure, I suppose." Then he says, "Billy..I hope you don't think that we...that I'm trying to muscle in on you and your best friend or anything."
And I'm like, "Yeah. I know. But I just want him to be ok. That's all that matters, k?"
So...hopefully Jimmy will get more distractions and curse words out of him. Maybe he won't be as 'bad' at this sorta thing as I am. Here's hoping.
I've gotta run. But I kinda thought about Lee again today, and I didn't hear anything from him since I answered his email last night. Normally, I'd take that as an outright rejection, but since talking to Randall I thought that he might think I was still ignoring him instead. So I thought about it for a while and figured...maybe if I was the one that initiated the conversation instead of waiting for him to get around to it...maybe he wouldn't get that impression. I mean, it's all 'guess work' with him sometimes, but maybe I'll get better at navigating through his 101 personalities and have a real shot at having a full time boyfriend again. Only time will tell.
God, I hope Lee's mom isn't at home on Saturday. I'm horny enough to hump a wild pig at this point.
I'll write more later.
Ps- No sign of Trace today at all. Which could mean that he took a little vacation of his own today, or he was in trouble again. I should have checked the inside suspension hall upstairs. He's the only boy I know that could be such a hopeless delinquent and make it look cute. I swear.
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