- Ok.....SLIGHT problem here today! I talked to Joanna at lunch today, walking over and expecting everything to be 'normal' in our conversation. Well, the second I sit down, she starts being a little more clingy than usual, hugging my arm and everything, and the next thing I know...she's asking me about going to some stupid school DANCE next Friday! Um....okaaay! Is she kidding? Billy Chase does NOT dance! I repeat...Billy Chase does NOT dance!!! EVER! Got it? Me? Dancing? No! Nada! Never! Never EVER! NOT gonna happen! ESPECIALLY in pulic with other kids around! I have only been to one dance in my life, it was in the 7th grade, and I hated every minute of it! The highlight of that whole night was when I was talking to Mickey Fletcher...who I thought was sooooo cute at the time...and leaning on the edge of the punch bowl until it splashed all over him and soaked him from head to toe. It sucked, but hey....at least I got to see what he looked like 'wet'. Sighhh....good old Mickey Fletcher...one of my earliest crushes. I wonder where he is now.
Anyway, I was hoping to get Joanna away from her friends long enough to explain that me and school dances don't necessarily mix. At ALL! But girls are pretty damn persistent when they want something. Girls in general. From Joanna, to my mom, all the way to the girl who sells girl scout cookies in our neighborhood door to door. Whatever it is, they find a way to corner you somehow, and then you wind up wondering how the hell you got 'trapped' so easily. So she asked me to go and cuddled and smiled and giggled at me until I caved in and just fucking asked her to go already! WHY THE HELL DID I LET HER *MAKE* ME ASK HER TO GO??? NOW what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't suddenly just vanish off the face of the planet and come back when the dance is over. Now I've got to pray for the angels to knock off one of my relatives so I can hide out and us a funeral as an excuse. I'm not very good at this whole high school socializing thing at all. I feel like I'm screwing myself up more and more every day. Some days I just wish I could be invisible. Just for a little while.
Talk about invisible....Jimmy LaPlane pulled a vanishing act of his own today. In the middle of the day, just like before. Since I've actually been talking to him, I've kinda gotten to like him a little bit. Except now he only shows his face in school half of the time. Every now and then, he'll come in with a weak ass smile, or at least show up and stay through an entire day. But then there are those other days that are starting to worry me. He's WAY too quiet! He cries in private at he drop of a hat, he pulls away from everybody, he hardly talks to people, he hardly interacts at all. Then he turns around with a big fake grin and pretends that everything is ok. It's not normal. Even though Jimmy has never been really 'normal' to begin with, that's a bit far to the left, if you ask me. I just wanna say or do the right thing, you know? Just...make him feel like he matters every once in a while. I just don't know how. And he's not offeing up any hints.
I ran into Simon a few times today also, but I didn't have much to say to him. Considering what happened, I doubt he wants to be too cozy around me anyway. Besides, he's become another boy I can't have, and that's frustration that I don't need. Being around those boys just makes me feel like shit. Like I'M the freak, you know? Instead of being somewhat 'ok' in what I feel. I mean...there can be a boy and a girl who totally hate each other...but, STILL, there's always a CHANCE that they could hook up! You know? Like...if they were in an airplane that's spiraling towards a mountain peak. Or if they were locked in a basement during a tragic life threatening Earthquake. Whatever strange disastrous situation that can happen to two hetero teenagers of the opposite sex, there's always that once last ditch atempt to have some sex. Even if it was some drunken episode that they'd really hate themselves for later. They could still make it work out for the best. And I wish I had that, even as a big ass mistake. At this point, I'd seriously take it. It's better than having absolutey nothing to talk about.
I certainly hope that this thing with that AJ boy from the mall works out. If for no other reason than to not feel.....so fucking 'alone' anymore. Sometimes I just want to feel like a normal person does when he desires someone else. Just like everybody else does wen they get dreamy over somebody they find cute. Instead, all I feel is guilt and shame and secrecy. Between Simon thinking I'm a queer, Jimmy's schizophrenic moods, and Joanna making me feel even more awkward by trying to make me feel like a 'regular' girl crazy high school boy...I think I'm further away from my true self than I ever have been. And it really sucks that I have to stay there against my will.
Am I getting depressing or what? I should stop now. Probably just some stupid mood swing that I'll be oer by tomorrow night. Right? I'll try harder to be happy tomorrow. ntil then, I'm gonna go. Later.
- You know, if you actually try to 'force' yourself to be happy...it feels extremely artificial. To the point of it not even being 'worth' it, you know? No matter what you do to make it more real, it just comes off as more fake. Then you end up burning up extra energy that you didn't have in the first place, and you feel worse than you did when you started. Who knows? Maybe I'm just doing it wrong, huh?
Weird mood aside, I actually had a pretty decent day. Except for one little detail...that test I took a few days ago didn't even let me slide by with a "C-" yesterday. That's right...the teacher dropped the big fucking "F" bomb on me today. A huge red "F" on the front of my paper, and no way to even argue it up to a "D". What would be the use anyway? It's a bad grade once it drops below a "C", right? I'll just have to make sure to hide this paper some place nice (like the trash!!!) so my parents don't catch sight of it. I'll do better next time, I swear. My mind's just a little preoccupied with other shit right now, that's all. It's nothing serious. But the second my parents see that, they'll start the whole "you need to concentrate more" routine. Next they'll be shutting off my tv or telling me to send my friends home early so I can study. They'll take it way too far, and I'll feel like I'm in a PRISON by the time they're done with me! It's just ONE test, it doesn't mean anything. No need to go through any extensive punishments or 'watchdog' tactics on my study habits. I'll make up for it on the next one. No problem.
Oh yeah, Jimmy called me over to his locker today, in a much better mood than he was in the last few days. I was actually beginning to see shades of that fun loving boy who invited me over to his house not long ago. He actually apologized again for not talking to me in the hallway before. Not that it was necessary. Then again, I'm always a bit confused as to how I should take what he says nowadays. But it seemed to come from his heart, and I put some faith in what he was telling me. So it mattered. Then he reached in his locker and gave me a bag with like five of his personal CDs in it. I mean he literally, like, just GAVE it to me! And when I asked him why he was doing it, he says, "Just take it, ok? For me. It's my way of saying that I'm sorry for being a jerk to you the other day." I didn't know what to say. I mean...that was the most unselfish thing I had ever had someone do for me before. There were really rare imports of Smashing Pumpkins stuff, and some live bootlegs. I hardly remember mentioning them at all when I was at his house, but he must have made a mental note to keep it in mind. And today, he just...kinda...gave them to me with a smile. Wow. Weird....but...wow.
Just when I'm starting to get angry enough or worried enough to ask Jimmy what the hell is going wrong with him these days...he does something like 'this' for me. And my faith in him being a good guy is renewed again. He is SO damn strange sometimes! But I can't help but be touched by his gift. I hope he didn't think he HAD to give me something. A simple explanation of his weirdness would have been fine.
The strangest thing happened today in study hall. I was sitting next to the window, and some of the 5th peiod gym classes were outside playing soccer this afternoon. So...as I'm looking, I see Brandon out there with the rest of his class...and I just remember being glued to the very sight of him. Not for a few seconds, not for a few minutes, not even for an extended stare...but for the ENTIRE 45 minute period. I didn't study at all, I didn't do one lick of homework, I didn't read, I didn't even doodle in my notebook. I just sat there and watched the entire soccer game from start to finish. Well....actually.....not the 'game' so much. Just Brandon. Brandon and his bare legs and his brown hair and his cute face and just....sighhh....the way he moves is so awesome. You know that feeling you get when you see someone that's really cute, and you want him so bad that you can actually 'taste' it in your mouth?
Well...this wasn't like that. I mean, it was SORTA like that, but not quite. This was more....more...ARRRRGHHHH...could CONFUSING be the word I'm looking for? Who am I kidding? I don't know how to explain this whole thing. But Brandon is....he's really cute, you know? But he's not just that....he's fun, and sweet, and when he talks to me, I feel good. In fact, I was almost jealous to see him talking to someone else while watching him out of that classroom window. I guess I just...love his smile, you know? And his laugh. I always look to see his shoulders jiggle when he laughs. Everything he does is so amazing, you know? There were just all of these little things that I liked to notice when I had the chance to stare at him long enough to appreciate them. And while I'll admit that I took a great deal of pleasure in watching his sexy smooth long legs in a pair of gym shorts, leading up to a sensual round curve of a butt that just defines temptation...it was those little unseen details of his 'un-sexual' personality that really held my interest for an entire class period. Ad that was just...'different' for me. Just....'different'.
I know, I know. Infatuation city. It comes and goes. But he's too damn pretty not to notice. And besides, sometimes....I kinda like noticing him. All 'in the flesh' like that. It's....sighhh....cool.
Anyway, as the weekend gets closer and closer, my mind is sent spinning over thoughts of AJ. I didn't know exactly what I should be thinking, or HOW I should thinking, but my heart was beating a million miles a minute everytime he crossed my mind. It was like I could see his smile, and I'd get this rush that would wash all over me. I was literally anxious to see him again. If I was a puppy, I'd be frantically wagging my tail and rolling over on my back by now. I try to keep the 'golden boy fantasies' to a minimum during school, because it leads to a lot of very embarrassing 'moments', if you know what I mean. But if I can just....I dunno...be 'cool' this weekend, then maybe he'll ask me out or something. Well...at least I hope he will. I mean...do gay boys even do that? Ask each other out on dates? Hmmm, I guess they would pretty much have to, wouldn't they? Wow...that'd be awesome if he asked me out. Unless of course...he's waiting for me to ask HIM out instead....in which case I'm gonna have to fucking lose a *LOT* of chicken feathers between now and then.
I guess that's it for now. I'll write more later. I've got some new Jimmy CDs to listen to anyway. Adios.
- You know what? Sometimes, Sam can be a real asshole! I can't BELIEVE what a dick he was being today! Some days, especially when he's in one of his 'moods', it's hard for me to even be in the same ROOM with him, much less be his 'best' friend. As much as I really love Sam, sometimes I'll notice the way he'll let things get to him so easily, and then take them out on other people. People who didn't even have anything to do with it. And it's not fair, you know? Unless that particular person is the cause of your immediate problem, then why the hell should they have to deal with your attitude about it?
First, I catch him picking on Jimmy LaPlane again during gym class, as though it was just the 'cool' thing to do! And that majorly pissed me off! What was he fucking picking on Jimmy for??? What could Jimmy have possibly done wrong to get under Sam's skin? Nothing! Sam's just doing it to be MEAN! Teasing him and making fun of the fact that he's a bit on the small side physically. So what? He doesn't have a lot of friends, but that's no reason to treat him like a total outcast! He's just quiet, that's all! So I asked Sam, straight out, to leave Jimmy alone and quit teasing him. But Sam just didn't care, and he kept going. What kind of victory does it give someone to humiliate another human being. It's not like Jimmy goes looking for trouble, and he's no more weird or offbeat than any of the OTHER blockheads around this place. So why pick on him? I literally went over and had to put my hands on Sam's chest and push him back just to get him to understand that I was serious. And he gets mad at ME for sticking up for Jimmy! As though I was 'better' than that or something. Well screw him then! Whether he likes it or not, Jimmy is my friend! He's a sweet guy, and he doesn't deserve this shit. Not from Sam, not from anybody!
THEN....later on, I was talking to Brandon in the hallway. I had actually gotten up enough nerve to act somewhat normal around him. He really is extra 'pretty' when you see him up close. Every time he smiled, the look in his eyes, or his little half smiles and boyish grins...or his gentle and soft little gestures...they're so....shy and bashful and....amazingly CUTE!!! It's like I notice something more beautiful about Brandon every time I look at him. His sensuality is, like, endless, you know? But, just as we were starting to feel comfortable and friendly in our conversation for the first time in, like, forever, Sam comes up and says he needs to talk to me. Now, Sam can talk to me anytime he wants to, in school or out of school. But I really wanted to spend some time with Brandon and I told him to just hold on for a sec so we could finish being...cool together. Well...of course, Sam is acting like 'How Dare I' blow him off like that! Which I WASN'T! I just wanted to finish what I was saying to a really cute boy that I happen to have a bit of a crush on. What was the big deal? He just stands there looking all mad and shooting daggers at Brandon until he gets so uncomfortable that Brandon tells me he'll just talk to me later. What the fuck was THAT about??? Brandon looked back at me over his shoulder with such an unexplainable look of frustration over it all. All I could do was try to silently let him know that I was sorry for how Sam was acting. And finally, now that he HIJACKED me for my fucking attention...I asked him what the hell was so important, and he's like, "Forget it!" FORGET IT??? Is he SERIOUS??? It ended up in an argument between us, and he stomped off to go be pissed somewhere else by himself. I don't know what's with him today, and I don't give a shit at this point. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then he doesn't have to. I don't have anything to say to him anyway when he's like that.
Luckily, I didn't have to deal with his attitude at lunch, and spent my period at Joanna's table. Which was much more welcoming than any reaction I would have gotten from Sam. Although, now when I see Joanna, all I see is another trip to the mall and a new chance to make an impression on AJ. He must have thought I was a real geek from the last time we met, but I know he was a bit nervous himself. So maybe it didn't look so bad. Anyway, now that I've got a little bit of a warning before having him just walk up and talk to me on the fly like last time...I might be able to pretend that I have a bit of social grace and intelligence this time around.
I wondered what AJ would be wearing this weekend. What he'd look like, and if he would dress up especially nice just for me. What if he wants to hang around with us this time? What if he wants me to hang around with HIS little group of friends instead? I wonder if people know he's gay. Can they tell like I could tell? I don't want Joanna, Lee, or anyone else around to think I'm gay. But...I don't want AJ to think I'm straight either. Not if I'm really going to make a go of this. I feel so conflicted about a lot of things concerning him, but I am too anxious to get off of the roller coaster now. I honestly can't wait to see what happens. And maybe...I'll find the love I've been looking for since I was old enough to know what love was. It makes my stomach quiver just thinking about it!
Thoughts of AJ were the only things making this day bearable. So I guess I'm sorta smiling despite Sam's outbursts. Just as well. I doubt he'd understand me being wth AJ anyway.
Gotta get some beauty sleep so I'll look 'hot' tomorrow afternoon! I'll write more later.