- I can't believe that I'm still pestering myself with this. It's been a whole day...a SATURDAY, no less...and...my mind is still driving itself crazy over getting an email from Brandon. As short as it was, I must have read it over and over at least a thousand times since then. The first 700 times were probably before I went to bed last night. What really sucks though is...well...I didn't even answer him yet. I mean, I thought about it, but I didn't. Should I, like...'talk' to him? Or is that just going to put me right back into firing range so he can cut me all to pieces again? After the last time...I don't know...I don't think my heart could handle another I just don't love you anymore from Brandon. I would literally drop dead at his feet if I took any more emotional hits like that.
But...UGH!!! Then I started thinking...what if Brandon is offering me a truce or something...and I don't answer...and then he starts thinking that I'm still pissed at him or something? Because I'm totally not angry. Not even a little bit. I can't just leave him hanging and wondering whether or not I read his email or just hit the delete button and ignored it. And yet...I swear, I can't get tangled up in this again if it's gonna be Brandon and Stevie forever while I watch from the sidelines. I wouldn't be able to stomach it. I tried...but sometimes it's like...the love never went anywhere. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life. And now that I can't have him...well, it just plain sucks.
I seriously don't know what to do. I wish I had a clue, but I don't. And having this decision in total 'limbo' is driving me crazy. Trying to analyze it isn't doing me any good at all. My feelings are so irrational over this boy that all I can really do is let my common sense drop and just follow my heart. I can't help it. It hurts not to. And hurting myself is something that I've gotten very good at these days.
You wanna know something strange? Usually when it comes to heartache or just wanting to feel good...being around Lee always does the trick. Lee is so happy-go-lucky, SUPER cute, and sometimes he can just be downright silly, you know? You can't be in his presence and not smile. It's impossible. Something about him just makes you feel good inside. And don't get me wrong...when I went to his house today to spend some time with him...I had a good time. A really good time in fact. And some really hot sex on top of it! Hehehe! But....
Sighhh...even though he was just as cute and sexy today as ever...he wasn't my Brandon. I mean...I just don't understand. Even when I was WITH Brandon, I was drooling over how hot Lee was. And it's not just his looks either. He's got a sense of humor and a personality that is out of this world. He makes me laugh, he does some of the sweetest things for me just out of the kindness of his heart, and snuggling with him on the couch is soooooo soothing sometimes. But...something is still missing. And as much as I really WANT to love Lee...I just...I feel like I can't. And I never really noticed it as much as I did this afternoon. There was a 'fire' that was missing. A certain level of insanity that was lacking in what I felt. It's so weird...
But I had an entire afternoon of kissing and making hot passionate love to one of the sexiest boys on the planet...
And it still didn't do for my heart what Brandon could do with a few quiet sentences in a single email.
I mean, am I crazy here? Am I spiting in Cupid's face for not accepting Lee as the ultimate gift from God? I just...I HATE to say it...but sometimes I think my heart would be more content chasing Brandon the rest of my life than settling for anything less. Or anything else. Or even anything MORE. Despite me driving my every thought into the ground trying to figure Brandon out, my heart just...knows what it wants. I'm tugging back on the leash with all my might, but it just keeps heading in Brandon's direction. It's getting to the point where I wonder why the hell I'm holding it back at all. What's the point? A part of me is always gonna belong to him. If he wants it back, he can have it. I only wish that I could give myself over to the idea that it would be that simple.
There's gotta be a catch. I swear, I need a secret 'Spidey-sense' or something to let me know when I'm getting ready to step off of a cliff with this situation.
Anyway, all that confusing mush aside, Lee apologized for not being around for a week. He said it more than once, in fact. AND...hehehe, he baked cookies. Chocolate chip. Which is just something cute that he would do. Which was awesome, because he smelled and tasted like cookies all day. I think a part of me is really addicted to the taste of him. Have you ever had sex with somebody, and sucked them slow and sweet...and they tasted sooooo good that you actually find yourself 'thinking' about it again hours later? Like...I think about him, and I can still, like, taste him. Which is hot. And Lee came a LOT today too! Also hot. I sometimes have trouble believing that he's actually with me. I wonder why I lasted longer than Jimmy LaPlane did as Lee's boyfriend. Probably because Jimmy told him how he really felt. Jimmy was really gaga over Lee...but I kinda remember the reaction I got the last time I told Lee I loved him. It was like someone had pulled the sidewalk from under my feet as far my feelings were concerned. Lee seems like the type to 'run' from something like that. And realizing how quickly Jimmy got dumped, I decided to keep my mouth shut today. I got kisses and blowjobs and a chance to cuddle with him naked. I'll take it.
If only I could keep my mind off of....well...whatever.
Oh, I called Jimmy tonight after I got home. It was really tearing me up inside to know that Sam was still steamed about the other day. A Saturday without seeing him or even hearing from him...it was such a strangely painful experience. Maybe it was just a break of habit. Who knows? But it really hurt to think that Jimmy might mention my name to him, and Sam would be like, "SCREW him! I hate him now!" You know? That would be like shoving a sword in my gut and twisting it until he could pull out all of my intestines at one time like spaghetti noodles on a fork. It's pure agony not having him talk to me, but I can't do anything other than take it. I just have to trust that Jimmy will take good care of him.
Yeah...it doesn't sound very comforting to me either.
Anyway, I asked him if they talked, and Jimmy was like, "Yeah. He called me, actually." Which...you know....sighhhh, forget it. Like I need to explain why that hurts all over again. So Jimmy says, "His emotions are kind of all over the place right now. I think he's depressed over the whole thing with Joanna. But I think there's something else bothering him too."
I was like, "Something like what?"
And he says, "Damned if I know. I guess he'll tell me when he feels comfortable doing so. Until then, it's a total brick wall."
I probably shouldn't have asked, but I was like, "He didn't...I mean, did he cry again like before?"
Jimmy told me, "I don't think so. He doesn't sound like himself. He keeps trying to avoid talking about it, but I think it's only making things worse. I'll keep trying though, and I'll let you know what he says, ok?"
But I was like, "No...that's ok, Jimmy. I mean...if he doesn't want to talk to me, then...he doesn't want me to know. He's already mad at me, I don't wanna complicate things by making him think I'm spying on him. Just...I want him to be ok."
Jimmy's like, "I don't think he's all that mad at you, Billy. Honestly, I'm kinda shocked that he didn't come to you waaaay before me. I mean, what did I do? You know?"
My thoughts exactly. But of course, I didn't say that. I was like, "Well, for some reason I'm not good enough."
Jimmy said, "Awww, dude...it's not like that. If you'll remember, it wasn't so long ago that Sam was throwing my shoe up on the roof and teasing me in the hallways. Now we're, like, friends. It's so weird." What, was he BRAGGING now? Grrr! Then Jimmy adds, "What's even worse is he's really hot. Hehehe, and the LAST thing I need is another hot 'friend'. I swear, if I could cast some big gay spell over him to make him available, I'd be the luckiest boy on Earth."
I was almost gritting my teeth at this point, but was quick to tell Jimmy, "Yeah. Too bad he's not gay. He's straight as an arrow. Not even curious about it, so...don't go getting your hopes up." Which now that I look at it, was prolly kinda mean. But if I have to, I'll keep Sam alone for the rest of his natural life. It's selfish, I know...but hey, I called dibbs years ago.
Then Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know, but a boy can dream, right? I mean I got to kiss you, didn't I? I never in a million years dreamed that would happen. And I got to be with Lee. And I never dreamed THAT would happen. Maybe I'll be 3 for 3, hehehe!" No no no NO!!! He's not gonna be 3 for...ANYTHING! No! I started to say something, but Jimmy shut me down by saying, "Say...do you still talk to Lee? You know maybe every now and then? I know that things were weird between us for a long while...but sometimes I really miss him, you know?"
I'm like, "What about AJ?"
Jimmy sighed a bit. I already knew what that meant. He's like, "Alex just...I don't know. He doesn't wanna be 'tied down' or something. Sometimes he's really affectionate, and other times...I feel like he's just like this robot with no feelings at all. Like he's happy just observing me from a distance like a guinea pig in a glass cage. At least Lee went out of his way to make me feel...special, you know? He made me 'feel' it. And Alex is cute and all...but it doesn't count for as much as I want it too when I'm still kinda raw over somebody else, you know?" Wow...don't I? He hit it right on the head. I know the feeling exactly. Then Jimmy's like, "I think I'm gonna maybe talk to him this weekend. Just to hear his sexy voice again. I miss it. It always gave me the tingles."
No! Noooooooooo! No! What the hell is happening here? First he steals the trust of my best friend, and now he wants to talk to Lee again? What if Lee...um....says something. Like...something to let on that we've been 'intimate'. Or that we've even been hanging out as much as we have lately. No good can come of this. Those two need to be...apart. One slip up from Lee might make Jimmy suspect what's going on. He's good at figuring things out when it comes to me. Then what? What if Jimmy gets super angry at me for it? I've been with AJ, I've been with Lee...if Jimmy decides to throw a tantrum he might never speak to me again. He might get SAM to never speak to me again. Great, I can just see it now..both of them on the phone talking about what a disgusting human being I am and how much they hate me. :(
I don't want that. I've gotta call Lee and tell him not to mention anything...um...romantic in front of Jimmy LaPlane. Like, ever. There is NOTHING good about Jimmy finding out about us. Nothing at all. I kept my mouth shut about THAT whole situation too. In fact, I told Jimmy that I had to go right after that. I hope he was just...'talking'. I mean, he's not really gonna get back in touch with Lee again, is he? They were pretty civil to each other at my birthday party. Ok...I need a strategy. And fast.
As for Brandon...I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I wrestled with the idea for a bit...tried to forget about it and leave it alone...but my heart wouldn't let me. I wasn't gonna be able to sleep tonight if I didn't say SOMETHING. So...I wrote back a really short email. I just said:
Thanks, Brandon. I'm sorry too.
I miss you.
And I hit send. I hit send quick before I changed my mind...but the second I saw the little 'sending email' icon pop up, I starting thinking about how lame that's gonna look to him when he gets it. And did I go too far by saying 'I miss you'? I shouldn't have said I missed him. That was too much. I should have left it at 'I'm sorry'. Did I just screw up? I think I screwed up. I guess all I can do now is wait. Wait and wait and wait...
Anyway, I've gotta go. I'll write more later. Going to Trace's tomorrow. Should be interesting. I have some pressing questions that I want to get off of my chest. I don't know how to ask another boy 'did we make out' in a subtle way that won't get me beat up...but I sure hope that I think of something between now and tomorrow afternoon. Because I really need to know.
What I'm gonna do with that knowledge, I have no idea. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
- Billy (Lost all over again)
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