- You know, I did something really bold today with Trace, and I can't really tell if I, like...crossed a line or something. It was kinda scary, to be honest. But at the same time, I don't know if he really...rejected me or if he just thought it was funny the way that I went about bringing it up. I can never tell with him. Trace's smile is always super cute either way.
There's something about his eyes that always makes me immediately picture him humping me. Hehehe, seriously! And not, like, naked either. Fully clothed, on his couch or something, tongue kissing and having him suck my neck while on top of me, and just...really slowly humping me. It drives me crazy. Don't know why. I think it's just the way he looks at me. He's so...unafraid of everything, you know? Must be comforting.
Anyway, I saw him by the principal's office today and said hello. I thought he might have been in trouble again, but he said he was just turning in his signed off inside suspension sheets. Making him a free man. Until he does something else to land himself back in detention again, that is.
He was like, "Tomorrow night, I am going to kick back, and celebrate my freedom with whatever bottles my dad decides to leave behind in the cabinets." Then he's like, "You're still coming over."
I'm like, "I don't know. I guess so."
He says, "No, Billy. That wasn't a question. You're still coming over. End of story. So pick a time and be there. No excuses." It always makes me giggle when he does that. I never felt manipulated by him or anything. It was just something cute about him, you know?
I grinned and said, "I guess I'll be there then. But I'm not drinking anything."
He's like, "We'll drown that kitty when we get to it. Just be there and we'll see what happens."
I said, "You're always trying to get me liquored up. What's up with that?"
So HE says, "Maybe I'm trying to 'open' your mind to something wild and freaky. Hehehehe!"
Then *I* said....and maybe I shouldn't have, but I was like, "Or maybe you're just trying to get me to finish what we started on my birthday." Then...dead silence. I honestly CANNOT believe I said that to Trace! Even joking around, it had to have sounded weird. But here's the real dilemma...he didn't DENY it. In fact, he gave me that cute little stare of his and smiled at me.
He was like, "And um...exactly what is it that you think we 'started' on your birthday, Billy?" It was like this really flirtatious moment that suddenly made it really hard to breathe.
I laughed it off and said, "Dude, it was just a joke."
But he's like, "It's a joke with no punch line. I wanna hear the rest. Tell me." I know that I must have turned ten different shades of purple, but he just waited for me to answer. He almost dared me to answer. And I totally chickened out. I don't think a high school highway, with me nervously looking into his eyes and trying my hardest to keep from getting a full blown erection right in front of him, was the best place to confront this. I was trembling when the bell rang and the halls started to empty out. Trace kept staring me in the eyes, even when I tried to turn away. Then, with a smirk, he's like, "Make sure you get your ass over to my house early tomorrow night." And he starts to leave.
I'm like, "I'll...uhh...I'll come after dinner."
He's like, "Whatever. Just be there."
I said, "I'm not drinking."
And he's like, "Yes, you are."
I'm like, "Hehehe! NO! I'm not!"
But he just kept walking and he said, "You're gonna be late to class, Billy." He rounded the corner before I could say anything else, and that was that. Why am I so...fascinated by Trace? I'm smiling and being goofy just writing this. Ugh!
I seriously have to deal with this weird little 'puppy love' crush that I have on him. I can't stop myself from feeling all wiggly whenever he talks to me, and it's starting to get worse by the day. I mean...I'm not gonna cheat on my boyfriend. I've already kinda learned my lesson the hard way on that one. Besides, Lee is...cool. He's better than cool. I have a boyfriend already. He's sweet and he's hot and he cares about me. I mean, I shouldn't be going after Trace like this, I don't care how cute he is. And I shouldn't be trying to patch things up with Brandon either. Especially since it's causing so much trouble between him and Stevie. That's the last thing I want.
It's the craziest thing...a month or two ago, throwing a monkey wrench in their relationship would have had me doing back flips in the halls. And now...I don't know. Is it weird that I care enough about Brandon to want him to be happy? Even if it's with someone else? I mean...where the hell did THAT sentiment come from??? I was almost ready to shank Stevie in the cafeteria and watch him bleed to death on the cold tile floor like the pathetic weasel he is! But now? It's like I'm not even mad anymore. It still hurts, sure. And I'd do almost anything to just rewind the clock and make everything the way it was between me and Brandon. But above and beyond that, there's this desperate need to just...I dunno...see him smile again. Like he used to. There's nothing more amazing, more heartwarming, to me than that boy's smile.
Ah well...I can barely figure myself out these days, how can I expect to figure him out?
Anyway, I should stop this madness while I'm ahead. I mean...I'll go to Trace's house like I promised, but...after that, I should just leave it at friends. And I'll apologize to Brandon for causing trouble...and then...you know...I'll try my best to leave that situation alone too. I should be happy. I'm over him. He's obviously over me. A clean break is best. We don't hate each other, we're talking...that's great. I'll stop messing with the balance and that way I won't mess things up again.
Oh! And I got a call from Lee tonight. Which was awesome at first, but then...
Well, basically, it was a really sweet surprise for him to just call like that. I didn't expect it for a second. Hehehe, it made my heart race when I heard his voice. It wasn't anything special really, just a few minutes of chit chat. And he said he missed me. Awwww, I melted right away. I don't know when I'll be able to see him again...but I hope it's soon.
I was REALLY happy at first, because it meant that Lee was thinking about me again. But then...I got an email from Randall...and that kinda ruined that. It's not Randall's fault. I know he was just trying to help. But in his email he asked, "Did Lee call you tonight? He promised me he would. I'm gonna keep a foot in his butt and MAKE him talk to you on a regular basis from now on. I'll make that kid boyfriend material if it kills me. Hehehe!" Which...you know....it was nice of him and all. But it kinda tainted the mushy feelings that I was having before.
It was like...'oh'....I get it. Somebody has to push Lee to think about me now? Don't get me wrong, he was being really cute about it and all. But, honestly, if it weren't for Randall mentioning it to him, would he have cared at all? Would I still be sitting here all alone? I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should have more faith in him, I guess. Right? I'm trying though.
Something about it makes me think back to yesterday afternoon, and I wonder if this was the feeling that Joanna was talking about. Just kinda....being there...but not really. Just on the side. A distant, but reliable 'Plan B' on somebody else's schedule. It's not that I felt bad. But I didn't really feel good either. Just kinda....blah. You know? I don't know. This isn't fun anymore. I need to fix this.
I'm not gonna start letting my dumb ol' brain get the best of me again like last time. Me feeling all lonely and stupid is what got me to mess around with AJ for the first time. It's what got me to cheat on Brandon with Bobby Jinette. It almost made me jump Simon's bones and lose out on a good friend. I'm not gonna just give up on this. I should really work to make things work out for the both of us. I mean, so we're both happy, right? Me and Lee need to talk it out. That's all. We'll talk it out...and fix a few things, and then we can really fall in love.
I just...I hope I don't say the 'L' word and send Lee running for the hills the way he ran out on Jimmy. He seems to panic about being...I dunno...vulnerable, I guess.
Anyway, I think I'm gonna go. I finished my homework and all...I just...I'm in a weird mood tonight. I just wanna lay back and think for a while. I'll write more tomorrow when I get home from Trace's. Laters.
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