- Well, I'm getting ready to run out to Trace's house for the evening, but I sorta had an awkward day. I figured I'd start writing while it was still fresh in my mind.
I kinda...had a 'talk' with Lee a few minutes ago. Um....yeah. It didn't really go the way I had planned for it to go. I mean...he was being extremely cute again today, more than usual. He must have sensed that something was wrong by the sound of my voice or something, because it kicked in instantly. I hate to say it, but I felt suckered in all over again. It's kinda hard to think about anything serious when he's making me smile like that. Not to mention that he started saying some of the sweetest things ever to me, and I just....I don't know. I didn't want to melt back into my goofy infatuations again...but I couldn't help myself. And yet...the more we talked, the more it felt like I was just postponing the inevitable, you know? how long would it be before he started ignoring me again. A week? A few days, maybe?
Sighhh...I must be losing my mind to not be bowing and scraping at that beautiful boy's feet each and every single day of my life. But as selfish as it sounds...I wasn't feeling what I used to feel. It wasn't intimate. It was cool, and cheerful, and friendly...and God knows I want him naked and rolling around with me again as soon as possible. But the real connection that I was hoping to salvage had somehow been broken. Those giggly, lovey dovey, ties had been severed somehow. And I didn't know when, or even IF, I'd ever be able to get them back.
It was weird, but I'm still really attached to Lee...just not in the way I used to be. Like I said, it's crazy.
Did we break up? No. At least not yet. He really caught me off guard today when I called. It was like he was...'happy' to hear from me. Even more so than yesterday. I never know when those times are gonna be. One day he'd rather play games and go shopping than even think about me, the next he's practically bouncing on his heels to hear my voice. It was an unsettling balance sometimes.
Anyway, the first thing he does is apologize for being busy with his school work and all. I guess he has a project that has to be done by Monday morning and he didn't wanna waste the weekend on it. Then he's like, "You know...I've been thinking about things, and I wanna take you somewhere on Saturday."
Okaaaay, that was completely out of left field. I was like, "Take me somewhere? What do you mean?"
He said, "Well, every time we get together, we end up....'you know'....hehehe! I thought maybe we could try something a little bit more couple-ish instead of always ending up hot and sticky. What do ya say?"
Lee has this way of making every interaction with him sound like it's gonna be a big trip to Disney World or something. This wasn't our usual 'hurry up before my mom comes home' type of weekend date. This was almost, like...romantic. TOTALLY unexpected. I could honestly feel myself blushing and grinning from the flattery. He's like, "Please say yes? I'll wear that body spray you like, and you can sniff me all day, and I can stare at how cute you are, and we can squirm around together in a public place. Say yes. Come on." Awwww, saying no to Lee is like...kicking a puppy. All thoughts of fixing things or breaking up for good went right out the window by the time he finished being nice to me. Not a good thing. I know it's just gonna come up again later. I KNOW it. But a part of me kinda wanted to see where this was going. Like...maybe Lee was gonna somehow surprise me by showing me a super awesome side of himself that I never saw before. I mean, it could happen, right? Maybe Randall said the right magic words to him, and now Lee is gonna turn himself around and really make a 'go' for my heart. Can you imagine that? Lee...making a play for ME? The very concept alone makes me weak in the knees. I'm like, the luckiest gay boy on the planet to have a hottie like Lee chasing after me.
I don't know...maybe I'll try to hang in there for a while longer. Besides, I've already made the decision to stay out of Brandon's way from now on. So I might as well push him out of my thoughts and move on to give Lee a decent chance to be the boyfriend I've been looking for, right?
I could at least try one more time. Give some actual 'dating' a try, you know? Go back to finding out why I fell so madly in love with him in the first place. It's not like it was a sex thing before. We just...clicked. Maybe I just need to go back to that. Make it sweet and simple again. Although...truth be told, I kinda hope we get a chance to get 'hot and sticky' anyway afterwards. Hehehehe, I can't help it! He's so damn CUTE!
Earlier today, I saw Bobby Jinette walking down the hall with that other boy again. The red head one. It would seem pretty normal to most people, but for me...I kinda started to notice how he was walking beside him. How many times he turned his head to look at him. How many times he smiled. And I realized that Bobby didn't really escort me to gym class anymore like he used to. I mean, it's understandable...I kinda broke his heart. More than once. I guess I was pretty mean and hurtful to him. I put him through hell over the last month or two, so why would he even care about me anymore? Still...there was a kind of pattern to his behavior that I recognized instantly when I saw it, and I wondered if this was Bobby's new crush. Maybe even his boyfriend.
He was bigger than Bobby. Taller, I mean. But something about the way he was built just made it look like he would have a really big penis. Hehehe, don't ask me how I can tell...it just looks like it would be a mouthful and then some. He wasn't big or bulky or anything, just tall and kinda solid, with a flat stomach and long legs. I wonder if he's the newest guy to sink his rod into that super tight, unnaturally round and gorgeous, ass of his. I actually got hard thinking about it. I know that love is better. Soooo much better. But...I have to admit...pumping in and out of Bobby Jinette's snug little 'bouncy' ass was a mind-blowing experience that I'll carry with me the rest of my life. That boy was AMAZING in bed! And on the couch! And on the FLOOR!
Ok, I'm getting really hard right now, and that's not a good thing! I'm going to Trace's now before I get myself all worked up. But yeah...I think Bobby's got himself somebody new. I wanna know for sure though. Can I ask him something like that? Do I have the right? I mean, Bobby still likes me, right? Wow...if that red head boy is as big as I'm thinking it is, Bobby's butt is gonna be even tighter around him. Bobby really got off on that kinda thing. He'd love every minute of it.
Anyway, I'll write more when I get back! See ya!
I don't think that I...was ready for...
Where do I start?
Ok, so....I went to Trace's. And...well...ok, so...first let me say that I did NOT intend on drinking anything, but...he gave me three glasses of 'something' anyway. I stopped though. And he didn't push me to drink anymore. So it's not like I was blitzed or anything. Besides, he always takes it easy when he's watching Mikey, who was very happy to jump up into my lap this time around. I swear, that kid gets friendlier and friendlier every time I see him. Anyway, Trace seemed to be smiling at me a lot tonight. No real reason, he just was. And I kept blushing really hard so I was trying to find reasons to hide my face or get him talking on another subject. I was hard the whole time I was over there. I was sooo scared he was gonna see it. Who knows? Maybe he did. Maybe that's what he was grinning about.
We were on the couch watching TV, Mikey was playing with his cars in a corner, and Trace kept, like, bumping me with his shoulder. Which didn't help with the 'erection' problem. I was giggling and said, "Quit it." And pushed him back. We kinda went back and forth for a bit, and he was REALLY turning me on tonight. God...Trace was SO adorable, it made you wanna scream! Then he moved to the other end of the couch, and swiveled his feet around. He stared at me for a second, and I'm like, "Don't. What are you doing? Hehehe!" It made me blush again, and I got sooo nervous.
Then...Trace told his little brother, "Hey Mikey? Go upstairs. Ok?" Mikey didn't seem to have much of an issue with it, but *I* felt like I had just swallowed a brick! I was shaking all over! Why is he sending Mikey out of the room? What is he gonna do? What am I gonna do when he does whatever he does? Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Trace smiled, and he stretched out his sock foot, to give me a little kick. "He's like, so....what's this about your birthday party?"
No no no...I'm not ready! He's not supposed to ask me! He's supposed to wait until I get the guts to ask HIM first! Right? I was trembling, but I laughed and said, "I told you, it was just a joke."
He wormed his soft little foot up my thigh, and it came VERY close to coming into contact with one of the hardest erections I've ever had in my life. I nearly hurt my back twisting away from him, giggling nervously as he asked me again, "C'mon...tell me. You weren't joking. You're funny when you joke. That was a hint at something. I'm curious."
A few of his cute little hair twists fell down in front of his eyes, and he subtly licked his lips. It was....SEXY, you know? I was like, "I didn't...I wasn't. I just...ummm..." I let my voice trail off, but he didn't say anything. He didn't give me an escape. Just kept smiling at me. I giggled again and said, "Nothing. I mean...I hardly remember my party anyway."
He's like, "So what do you remember, Billy?"
I was soooo close. So VERY close. And as I saw him spread his legs a little in front of me, that whole fantasy of Trace tongue kissing me deeply and humping me on the couch seemed to be coming true. Those sexy lips. Those full, pink, sensual lips. I was thinking that only Trace had the equipment to deliver a passionate kiss like the one I had that night. So...even though I was shaking myself to pieces, I tried to make a move. If you can call it that. I said, "You....you know. Hehehe, the....night of my birthday party. When...you said...you'd 'take care' of me."
His smile got wider. "And did I 'take care' of you?"
Why was he being so coy about this??? I'm like, "well...yeah. You know. you...hehehehe....you did. You....y-y-you know..."
There was another short silence, and he poked me again with his foot. Much more lightly this time. He said, "Keep going. Tell me what you remember."
Again, a smile. It was making me soooo HOT at that moment! I swallowed hard, and said, "I just remember...hehehe...come on, Trace. You know. Like...when you...when I was kinda wasted..."
He says, "Uh huh...you were wasted. And then?"
I'm like, "And then...after the....well, near the end of the party. You remember? When you kinda...when you..." I was soooo scared to say it, but I struggled to say it anyway. This could be it. This could be my mystery kisser! I stuttered, "...I'm talking about when you...Trace...I 'remember', ok? Like...I 'remember'. Hehehe!" I bashfully bit my bottom lip and hid my sheepish grin from him as I slinked down in my seat. The next time he pushes his foot up towards my lap...I think I might just let him feel what's waiting for him there.
Trace took another sip of his drink, and wiped his thumb across his moist lips. And he was like, "So you 'remember', huh? Well, go on. Tell me. How do you remember it?"
I gave him a weird little laugh at first, but as I looked into his eyes, and listened to him asking about...something suddenly became very clear to me. I paused for a second, and looked right at him. Then I was like, "Wait...you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"
Trace laughed for a bit, and he was like, "Not a clue! But it sounds juicy as hell. I was hoping you'd spill the beans if I didn't let on. Hehehe!"
I threw a couch pillow at him and said, "You son of a BITCH! Hahaha! You suck so bad for that, you jerk!"
He curled up laughing at me. He said, "I couldn't help myself! YOU were the one being all 'cloak and dagger' about the whole thing! I was looking for a hot piece of gossip!"
We cursed at each other a few times, and traded some playful shoves for a few minutes more. The giggles really did help to relieve a lot of tension and pressure on me from having to have this conversation with Trace. I mean, I could still feel my heartbeat pounding in my ears. Thank GOD that my nervousness kept me from saying it out loud!
However, as the giggles faded and the heated moment passed...I suddenly became aware of the fact that...Trace hadn't actually put me to bed that night. And if HE didn't put me to bed...then that left only one name on my list. And for some reason, that terrified me.
The realization hit me like a bolt of lightning. I quickly sat up and said, "Umm..trace, you know what? I've...I've gotta go. Omigod, I've gotta go."
Trace was like, "Go? Why? Come on, dude, we're hanging. Stay for a while." But I just kept repeating that I had to leave. I mean, I didn't want to be rude or anything but....but this was...
This was BIG!!! This was really big!!!
Sam! Sam kissed me the night of my birthday party! Straight Sam! Super cute, super hot, best friend for life, Sam! but...wait...that's not even POSSIBLE, is it? Sam wouldn't kiss me. I mean...not like THAT! That was a kiss that turned my whole WORLD upside down! No straight boy would kiss a gay boy like that....would he? I mean...well...I mean...ARRRGH!!!
I passed by his house on the way home, and I saw the light on in his bedroom. I paced back and forth outside for a bit, but I didn't have the guts to ring the doorbell. In fact, I thought that I saw a shadow pass in front of his window, and I panicked. I actually ran all the way home. Like...RAN! What the hell is the matter with me?
What does this mean? What if he kissed me? What if the boy that I've been secretly crushing on for as long as I knew what a crush was...actually...wanted me back? Why didn't he say anything? Was it a mistake? A silly, drunken, mistake? Or was he just hiding how he feels about me? Does he...do I....? What the FUCK do I do? What do I say when I see him tomorrow? Do I say ANYTHING? HE didn't say anything? Maybe he doesn't want me to say anything...
What if, you know?
What if...by the end of the week...I could actually be making out with the boy of my dreams? Maybe even...more?
Ok...I need to...think about this. I need to come up with some way to...ugh...
I'm gonna stop now. I'm just...I'm gonna stop. I need to wrap my brain around this. God I hope I'm wrong? Or right? Or...just....shit, I don't know WHAT I want!
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