- I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me CRAZY! I hardly got any sleep at ALL last night. I just kept tossing and turning, turning and tossing, thinking about Sam until it nearly drove me insane.

I can't really describe the feeling. It's like...it's curiosity, it's fear, it's joy, it's confusion, it's doubt, it's horniness on a whole other level, and then more fear put on top of it. It was a really terrifying feeling. I mean...as much as I dreamed of something like this...as much as I really WANTED it...I was always kinda 'protected' by the concept that it would never ever happen. Not in a million years. But now that I'm sorta faced with it...

...I don't think I'm actually prepared to deal with something this awesome. I mean, it's like...it's too big. WAY too big.

I kept rolling over in my bed last night, holding my pillow, thinking about that kiss. That mind-blowing kiss. Holding the back of his neck...his hand rubbing my hardness...our tongues wrapped around one another. It was one of the sexiest things that has ever happened to me. And it was just a kiss.

Doubt flooded my mind at every turn. I kept telling myself that it wasn't true. But then I thought about that kiss, and how 'intimate' it was. But then...what about Joanna? And the fact that Sam likes GIRLS? But...what about the time I almost kissed him at his house while we were lying in bed? Did I imagine that? Us having a moment? But wait...Sam's initial reaction to me being gay was 'Eww! Why???' So that should tell me something, right? Then again...when I said 'hell no' when he asked if I ever thought about him that way, he was like...kinda insulted. Did he want me to be attracted to him? Or was he just goofing around? Ugh...I'm not getting ANYWHERE! I just keep going in this frustrating 'loves me, loves me not' circle, and every time I think I found a bit of an answer, it flips on me again. I never thought that such good news would make me so miserable.

Is it weird that I'm scared of him now? I actually tried to sneak past his house this morning on my way to school. He saw me through the window and told me to wait up. I felt like I was gonna WET myself right there on the sidewalk. I paced, and I tapped my foot, and I bit my fingernails...that minute and a half that it took him to come outside was like an eternity in Hell to me.

He came out looking all cute and sweet and just....I looked into his blue eyes and started to actually tremble right in front of him. His sunshine blond hair was perfect today. God...he's like...Jamie Cross gorgeous, you know that?

He was like, "You were getting ready to leave me, weren't ya jackass? What's up with that?"

I blushed soooo hard. I tried to come up with something to say, but it just wouldn't come to the surface. He gave me this really weird look, and I finally said, "Umm...no. I wasn't. I was...just going..." I don't think that made any sense whatsoever, but that was the best that I could do.

Walking with him was such an awkward experience today. He was talking and joking and being his normal self...but...I had this whole different view of him. I was staring at his eyes, I was watching the wind blow softly through his hair, I was examining the way his lips moved when they formed words and how they looked even cuter when he smiled. It was like...falling in love with him for the first time. I felt like I was dreaming. This just couldn't be real. Could it?

The weird thing is...I have absolutely no idea how to take a step towards actually asking him about it. I mean...do I just say, 'Sam, I know you kissed me?' I mean...he knew this whole TIME and he never said a single word about it. If anything, he refused to even talk about it when I tried to bring it up. Maybe he doesn't want to go forward with anything else. Maybe it was a one time thing, and I screwed it all up by being wasted when it happened. And God he's cute! How did I spend this much time around him and not have jumped his bones by now.

I don't know what this means. I don't know where this is going. I don't...arrghh...I just don't know!

Sam and I made it to school, and I caught myself staring at his ass as he walked away from me. I NEVER really stare at Sam's ass. It's SAM! He's supposed to be....like...off limits. You know? But I took a healthy look today. It just...it had me squirming in my seat once I got to class. On and off, all day long, I've been forcing images of Sam and I rolling around naked together out of my mind. But as soon as I fought one image away, another one would pop up a few seconds later. It actually made my mouth water to picture myself between his thighs...sucking him for all I was worth. It gave me a 24 hour boner, I swear!

Can you have a best friend for a boyfriend? Isn't that breaking one of the laws of relationships or something? Their on opposite sides of the coin, aren't they? You can have one or the other, but not both. At least that's what I thought.

But...what if I can have someone that I care sooooo much about, that I can laugh with and joke around, that I share so much in common with including a history that goes back to when we were kids....and I get kisses, cuddles, and romantic love making, on TOP of that? Oh God...that would be...heaven. Pure Heaven.

Trace saw me earlier today and gave me some shit for running out on him so fast last night. It was a seriously awkward moment, as me thinking about Sam had me...ummm...'excited'. I leaned against the lockers and tried to sorta angle myself and put a foot up on the wall behind me to hopefully hide it in a 'fold' or something. NOT a good time for him to come talk to me. He was like, "You now owe me TWO nights of hanging out to make up for the insult. You know that, right?"

I said, "Yeah, my bad, man. I just...my head was all messed up over something else. I needed to straighten myself out."

Trace was like, "That's what the alcohol was for. It would've straightened you out on my basement floor. Hehehe!" My mind was kinda preoccupied at the moment, but I heard him ask me, "So when are you free next?" He's awfully interested in having me at his house all of a sudden. I mean, he's always been cool to me, but now it's like he wants to be bosom buddies or something. It was kinda flattering. Then again, everything Trace does seems flattering to me.

I wasn't exactly sure how this thing was gonna go with Sam, so I told him, "I don't really know. Ummm...maybe next week some time?"

He said, "Done and done. It's a date." Did he say a 'date'? What's going ON with that boy? Then, before he leaves, he's like, "You might wanna get yourself a book and hide that thing, Mr. Crotch Rocket!" And he giggled as I turned ten shades of purple. Ugh! What's he staring at my boner for???

Yeah...my day has been up and down. I'm not really able to focus on much of anything right now. Nothing except for dragging my tongue up and down every inch of my best friend's sexy body while he writhes underneath me. I shouldn't be doing this. I should stop thinking about him like this. I should um...I should...I don't know. This is weird. I never really allowed myself to go all the way when it came to dreaming about Sam. There was like...this 'line' that I didn't wanna cross. Now I have an invitation. This is only making him even scarier to me right now.

Oh, and I talked to Jimmy tonight for a little bit. Evidently, things between him and AJ are done. At least that's what he says. It actually kinda surprised me, to be honest. Jimmy was all lovey dovey and crazy about him at first, and I was really worried about him getting hurt. But for the last month or two...he barely seemed to care. I mean, he was still getting regular sex and all, but those goosebumps and dreamy gazes had all vanished into thin air. When I asked him about it, he said, "Well...it was a long time coming, you know? I mean, don't get me wrong, Alex is still super cute and all. And I loved having somebody close to hug and kiss whenever I wanted to, you know? But...Alex just isn't the emotional type. He wasn't really being sweet to me anymore. It was just kinda blah. I like him though. I'll probably keep in touch with him. I just felt like I was missing something."

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I thought about going out tomorrow, sine Lee wanted to take me somewhere for some odd reason...and while I was looking forward to spending time with him again, I wasn't really excited about it. Is that strange? I just don't expect it to be anything more than a few giggles. Hardly anything Earth shattering. Sometimes, even when we're together, we're still disconnected. Yeah...I was definitely missing something too.

I told Jimmy, "You know...for what it's worth, I'm sorry you guys broke up. I know you said it was all just sex and candy, but it sucks just the same."

Jimmy was like, "Thanks, Billy. Nah, it's alright. It didn't hurt at all when I told him. He barely shrugged his shoulders about it. I just reached a point where I was like...without the heart and emotion, that whole situation was a waste of time. I guess I was kinda hiding behind AJ instead of trying to go out and get the loving relationship I really wanted. Call me a sissy, but I kinda need the romance and the hand holding and the constant 'I love yous' being whispered in my ear. I like that stuff."

I said, "Yeah. Exactly. I know just what you mean. It's like...it makes it special. It makes you feel good to get that kind of affection. Not that sex is a BAD thing, hehehe! It's just not the only thing."

Jimmy smiled and was like, "Sighhh...you're one of the few people who get me, Billy. You know that? Why can't you be more interested in me. Hehehe! I swear, if I find a book of love spells, I'm keeping you all for myself." I grinned a bit, but didn't really get involved in that particular conversation. Yeah...that wouldn't be such a good idea. Then he's like, "Something tells me that I'm not gonna really miss Alex all that much now that it's over. Not like Lee. Now THAT'S one boy that I really miss talking to. I just...I miss how cool he was. He always went out of his way to make me feel soooo loved. Do you think it would be weird if I called him? Just to say hello and stuff? I just wanna talk to him for a while. It's not like there's any bad blood between us."

What the hell do I say??? The only thing worse than saying 'yes', is saying 'no'...in which case he's gonna ask me why not. So I dodged a bullet and said, "You know what, Jimmy, I've gotta run. But I'll talk to you a bit later on. I'll drop you an email this weekend or something."

He didn't really flinch all that much. He just said, "That's cool. I really just wanted to give ya the good news. I'm a free agent again. Then again, I guess we both are. We should go cruising for boys together at the mall or something some time." He giggled. And then he was like, "Give Sam a big ol' sexy tongue kiss for me!"

I was like, "WHAT???" But I guess he was just joking. He burst out laughing at my overly dramatic reaction. Still...it made my heart jump up into my throat, and it was nearly impossible to swallow it back down.

Anyway...I'm gonna...lay back and try to figure out a way to umm...'talk' to Sam. I have no idea what I'm gonna tell him, or what I'm gonna ask him, or what he's gonna say in return. But this feeling inside is threatening to rip me in half if I don't find a way to make sense out of it soon.

Do I want Sam?

Really?

Well...of COURSE I want Sam...but...

Sighhhh...this is heavy. I need to stop banging my head against the wall here. I'll write more tomorrow.

Yikes. If I start dating Sam, does that mean I have to break up with Lee tomorrow? No...not tomorrow. He's trying to be sweet to me. Even if Sam is being a hell of a lot sweeter...and he's not even trying. No. Lee is my boyfriend. I'm gonna do things right this time. No fooling around.

But...God, I just KNOW Sam must be the sexiest boy ever in bed! He must be. I'm on the edge of orgasm just thinking about it.

Annnnnd....I'm gonna STOP thinking about it now! So...stop it. Stop!

Laters,

- (A Very Whiny And Confused) Billy