I'm kind of in a weird mood right now.
Today wasn't what I thought it would be. And that's not entirely a bad thing. Not at all. But it's what got me feeling kinda down right now. I should just shake it off and forget about it. What was meant to be, will be. And what wasn't meant to be....well...whatever...
Anyway, I did hear from Trace this morning. He just randomly called me out of the blue. When the phone rang, I naturally just figured that it would be Sam seeing what I was up to today. I was seriously surprised to hear Trace on the other end of the phone. I wonder what would have happened tonight if it wasn't for that phone call. Seriously.
We chatted and laughed for almost an hour straight. Talking to him is so easy sometimes. And he says the cutest things to me. I don't even think he means to do it, it just sounds cute with his voice and his smile and all. So yeah, the 'crush' continues.
At one point, he mentioned his parents 'sweet talking' each other on the phone last night, which made him giggle. I asked him, "So you think there's romance in the air for them again?" I was half kidding, but Trace got a big laugh out of that one.
He's like, "Not a chance, Billy. I told you before, it's a done deal for those two. Never again. It just wouldn't work."
I'm like, "Hehehe, why not?"
He said, "Because it's been too long. It's like...you know how you, like, take some chicken out of the freezer, and you wanna thaw it out? If you let it sit for a long period of time, the ice goes away, and it gets all tender and awesome again, right?"
I'm like, "Right."
Then he says, "BUT...if you just let it 'sit' there for hours and hours and days and weeks and months...well then it just completely goes to shit and it's no good anymore. Everything gets spoiled and there's just no saving it. Gotta trash it and get another one. So that's what my parents' love is right now...a nasty ol' slab of chicken that was left out for way too long and it got spoiled rotten. Hehehe!"
I was like, "Nice metaphor, Trace. Good visual on that one." Trace has a cute laugh. I kinda was curious about it, and I asked him, "What if...it was someone you really liked though? And you wanted to make it work out for the best...but it just didn't feel right? You should wait right? I mean, you can't force it."
I could hear Trace smiling. Hehehe, honestly. He was all, "Billy Chase...are you telling me that you've got yourself a secret whore on the side? I'm so hurt."
I was actually thinking about Lee and our date tonight, but I obviously couldn't tell him that. I decided to use Sam as a mask. I only gave him vague details though. No need to go blabbing about Sam's private troubles without him knowing. Then I asked, "So...I mean, what if he decides that he wants to break up...but he's not really sure about it?"
Trace was like, "I thought they already broke up?"
But I said, "Well, they DID...sorta. But, let's say that he wasn't quite sure about just letting go of the feeling and moving on? I mean, he still cares about her, but..."
trace said, "Ahhh, I see what you're getting at. So he's used to having her around, but something got all jacked up and now they're not the couple they used to be. Right?" I agreed, and Trace said, quit simply, "Well, there's an EASY cure for that one. It's called 'Get A New Girlfriend'. End of story."
I was kinda shocked to hear him say that so bluntly. I was like, "Hehehe, Trace! Somehow, I don't think it's that simple."
He said, "No. Actually, it *IS* that simple." Then he was like, "He loves her, she doesn't love him back the same way? Get a new girlfriend. He wants to spend time with her and she doesn't? Get a new girlfriend. He gives it his best shot and she goes all 'half-ass' on him? Get a new girlfriend. See how simple that is?"
I'm like, "But...seriously, dude. It's not like he's mad at her or anything. He just wants a little more...I dunno...'affection', I guess." I had to slow down to think a bit more. It was sounding a bit too much like like me and Lee and not Sam and Joanna.
But Trace stuck by his original idea no matter what. "Look...if he told her he wasn't happy, and she didn't bend over backwards to fix it...then there's more fish in the sea. So what? Tell her adios and let her waste somebody else's time. If he did that to her, I bet she'd dump him in a heartbeat. Am I right?" Come to think of it...that IS pretty much what happened. Joanna said it in her own words. I had to agree. So Trace added, "Well alright then. There's bound to be plenty of other hotties that'll come along and give him all the love and affection he could ever want. So tell him to stop cradling the dead puppy and go buy a new one. Piece of cake."
Something about it kinda hit home with me today. I grinned a little, and said, "Again with the imagery, Trace. Thanks."
He's like, "Yeah, it's a talent."
I think that something about that conversation really had a major impact on my date with Lee tonight. I couldn't get it out of my head, even with him being a total sweetheart tonight. I mean, I'm used to Lee being adorable at this point. It doesn't really phase me as much as it used to. I guess you can say that I kinda expect it. It's the little surprises that I look forward to now. This 'date' being one of them. You know? Maybe my expectations are too high for him these days.
Anyway, so Lee calls me up and says he's gonna take me to this really cool place where you can make your own stir fry and stuff. Like...you get to pick all of your ingredients and everything, and take it to a chef, and he'll cook it up right in front of you. It was actually really cool, to be honest. Lee was gonna pay for both meals, and then take me to a movie afterwards. He looked really sexy tonight. Kinda dressed up and pretty. He smelled soooo good. Hehehe, he really did. But in the back of my mind, I was thinking...is this whole thing a fake? Why would I think something like that? It's so rude of me, you know? But that's how I felt. I didn't want him being nice to me because he felt he had to in order to keep me close. I wanted him to just..care about me. I didn't need a 'pal'....I wanted a boyfriend. I did try to fight it and just be normal, but it kept eating away at me inside.
I kept thinking about Randall having to 'remind' him that I need some attention to feel good once in a while. I kept thinking about Joanna's reason for leaving Sam, and Jimmy feeling like he was wasting time with AJ. Jesus...even Bobby Jinette has gotten wise enough to know when to stop giving love to someone who won't give it back. And I'm pretty sure he would have cut off a TESTICLE to be with me. Why is it taking me so long to wizen up myself? The more I thought about it, the more pointless my date became. And I kinda hate myself for it, because I should have been better than that. I felt...selfish for wanting so much. But, then again, I felt rejected and ignored without it. Either way...I was miserable. And love isn't supposed to feel like this. I KNOW what love feels like...and this just wasn't it.
God, I'm totally gonna regret this one day, aren't I?
I tried to have a good time with Lee tonight. I really really did. But the whole idea of just 'being there' and nothing more...it seriously bugged me. It twisted and turned in the middle of my stomach to the point where I couldn't even eat anything and enjoy it. In fact, I found myself getting downright angry after a while. It was just.....sighhh....this whole thing is a waste of my time now. Jimmy was right. What's intimate about this? Where are my kisses and flowers and sweet nothings whispered in my ear. I've had more romantic conversations with my grandmother. We're not even boyfriends anymore, me and Lee. We're just 'time fillers' for each other when one of us gets too bored with everything else. And that's nowhere near enough affection to be even remotely satisfying. Not for me.
I think my heart just kinda...shut down on him tonight. Suddenly. No warning. And I think...maybe even for good. Does that make me crazy, or just impatient and immature? Or is it a good thing to finally have the guts to let this pseudo-relationship go and find someone a bit more 'lovey dovey'? I wish I could look into the future and see if I was making the right choice. At that moment, though...I could barely keep my smile going strong for him. Even when he talked to me, I had to wonder what the point of engaging him in more conversation was. It's not like he was interested. I was just expelling breath for the sake of being polite. I got the feeling that he was doing the same. So why bother anymore. Seriously...I'm just gonna stop it. Cold turkey. Neither one of us needs this arrangement anymore. Rotten chicken...just like Trace told me.
When we left the restaurant and were heading towards the movie theater, I decided to give Lee just ONE more chance to spark my hope in....'something' again! I mean LOOK at him!!! He's soooo damn cute! I really didn't want to be wrong about this, and I wanted more than anything to have him truly show his true beauty and wrap me up in reckless infatuation again. Just for ONE night! So I looked all around to make sure that we were alone, and I'm like, "Thanks a lot for this tonight, Lee. Everything was really special, and I feel so loved right now."
And he said, "Cool. I'm glad. We'll have to do it again some time soon."
He just kinda smiled without saying anything else. No amorous words or admissions of romance. Nothing. So, I just came right out and told him, "I love you, Lee." I was literally begging him with my eyes to say it back to me. Just ONCE! Just to give me a little something to look forward to. I don't think he's EVER said 'I love you'. There was a time when I was scared to push him into something that he didn't want to do. But now? It's not a lot to ask. If he doesn't want to say it every waking moment like I do...then why the hell does he even want me around? Come on, Lee....just SAY it! Please??? Even if he didn't mean it, he could have cared enough about me and my feelings to pretend for a few seconds.
But...it looks like he couldn't be bothered. Instead, he blushed and just looked down at his feet. He says, "What was that for? Hehehe!" But he didn't answer me.
I tried again. "Lee...I mean it, you know? I love you."
I was hoping he'd catch on. But he failed. He failed miserably. He just completely avoided the sentiment altogether and said, "Do you want some popcorn for the movie? I think I've got some cash left for a big one." That was it. That was my lame ass answer. Here I am trying to share an intimate moment with him, giving him every opportunity to be a part of it with me...and all he wants to talk about is this popcorn bullshit. Fine. He wins. I give up. He's not interested. Even if he is interested, he's too much of a coward to say it. Either way...I'm done. I don't have any more chances to give him. I sat there in the movie theater next to him, but I hardly talked to him at all for the rest of the night. Why should I? Having him smile at me was just leading me on at this point. I'm done being lovingly pulled in and then brutally pushed away again. To hell with this.
Lee was being really nice by taking me out tonight, and he gets points for making a bare minimum effort on his part to act like an actual boyfriend to me...but I can't take anymore. There's no reason why I should feel 'lonely' in my own relationship. Not when there are other boys out there who would be willing to give me soooo much more. Even Jimmy LaPlane at least tries to flirt once in a while. So...I didn't break up with Lee tonight, not after the date and him paying for everything. But in my heart, we're already over. I don't wanna be boyfriends with him anymore. Enough is enough, and I'm tired of feeling like this. I just have to find a way to say the words I need to say out loud. Kinda scary.
It was a cool experience, getting to be with one of the most adorable boys on the planet. But trying to get any sexual or emotional heat from Lee sometimes is like trying to keep warm in the snow by hovering over a single lit match. I just don't wanna pretend that it's healthy for me to beg and chase and wait for him to think about me again. I DO have my dignity, you know?
So...goodbye, Lee. I mean it...goodbye. :(
I wish things could have been different. I wish it had all worked out for the best. But I am now officially single again. And you know what? It's actually a relief.
It hurts a little bit. Strange. After all this time, I didn't think it would hurt at all.
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