- You know, I started off this morning stressed out over how I was gonna break up with my soon-to-be-EX boyfriend, and it's still driving me nuts as I write this. Like...from the second I opened my eyes in bed, this growing tension was all I could think about. It made me kinda queasy in the stomach to have it weighing down so heavy on my shoulders, but I don't want to wait and prolong the agony this time around. After the big fiasco with Bobby Jinette, I didn't want to be dumb enough to make the same mistake twice. Dragging things out and avoiding the issue only makes it hurt worse later. Might as well get it over with. And soon.
I just wish I knew how.
It's not the same situation as it was with Bobby where I just wasn't as interested as I should have been. And it's not like AJ where he cheated on me and just treated me like garbage to the point where I was glad to be rid of him. And it's not like the deal with Jimmy LaPlane either, where he just kinda figured things out for himself and let it go. It would be easier if it was like with Brandon, where we were at each other's throats over everything and needed to break up for our sanity's sake. This was so different. This was like...me being cruel to another boy's feelings for no reason. At least, that's what it feels like to me.
Lee's not a bad guy. He's awesome. I just need....'more'. And he's not that kind of person. I don't want him to be unhappy, but *I* don't want to be unhappy either. And I'll be totally miserable if I just continue to pretend and hang onto this...'game' of ours, where we both try to see who can care less for one another in order to keep from getting hurt.
You know who would be a good match for Lee? AJ. Seriously. AJ never gets attached to anybody. Lee could ignore him for a whole year for no reason at all and with no explanation given, and it wouldn't phase AJ in the least. I suppose there's somebody out there for everybody, you know? They might be more compatible. Boys like me and Jimmy? There's no way our fragile hearts can take that kind of neglect and survive. It just sucks too much.
Sighhhh....what do I say to him? I mean...is this something that I can just do in an email? That wouldn't be cool. That's kind of impersonal, isn't it? But I'm too chicken to do it face to face. I mean, what if he cries or something? Or like...what if he gets really mad and kicks me out on my ass? It doesn't seem like something Lee would do, but then again I never broke his heart before. Who knows HOW he's gonna react? Oh God...what if he DOESN'T react? Like...not at all. What if he's just like, 'fine. seeya'? I think that would suck even worse. What if he just doesn't care about me at all anymore? Maybe he's been wanting to break up for a long time now. Maybe that's why he's been ignoring me and treating me like this in the first place. Trying to get me to just...leave...without him having to actually tell me to get lost.
Great...something ELSE to bug me today! As if I wasn't worried about enough stuff already.
Speaking of which, do you know, Jimmy called me today with something that made me extremely uneasy. And I hate to lie if I don't have to, but this time, it was...umm...probably for the best that I didn't go into too much detail about it.
See, he was like, being all normal and stuff at first, but I could kinda tell that something was on his mind. Something about the way Jimmy just holds his feelings in when he talks to me sometimes...I can always sense it. There's this 'restraint' that you can just feel with every word that he's not saying, you know?
Anyway, he finally comes out and says, "So...you remember my friend, Stacy, right?" Jimmy's friend who had a huge crush on me a few months ago? How could I forget?
I was like, "Yeah."
And Jimmy was like, "Well...I mean, I thought she might have just been mistaken or something at first but...she said she saw you at the movies yesterday."
I wrinkled up my forehead a bit, and I asked, "Really? She said she saw me?"
There was a little pause, and Jimmy was like, "Yeah. She said...she saw you there with Lee...getting some popcorn."
I felt like my stomach suddenly shrunk to the size of a marble when he said that. Like being caught standing over a corpse with bloody hands. I was TOTALLY stuck for something to say. And I was only given a few seconds to think. I mean...I couldn't really LIE and say that it wasn't me. There's no way that Stacy would mistake somebody else for her dreamboy. And Lee? Nobody looks like Lee. He's a super cute, one of a kind, make and model. If she said she saw us...then she saw us. And Jimmy knows that.
So I had to come clean. I was like, "Oh....oh THAT? Yeah...um...yeah. Sure. We just went out to...you know. We were just...hanging out. So...yeah..."
Another little pause from his end of the phone. Then he says, "Oh...." Just like that. I think that I actually started trembling. I did NOT want to have that conversation with Jimmy today! No no no! I was searching my brain for a quick and efficient way to get off of the phone and run away from his line of questioning as fast as possible. But for some dumb reason, the human brain doesn't work like it's supposed to in the most serious of situations. Jimmy was like, "I didn't know that you guys, like....hung out and stuff. When did that happen?" He chuckled a bit, but it was a really 'fake' laugh. He definitely wanted an answer.
I was trying hard to concentrate, but also trying to stay normal at the same time. I said, "Well...I mean, it's not like we go out every WEEK or anything. Just...I mean...sometimes. It was nothing special, we just...went out. Like...last minute and stuff."
Jimmy was like, "Oh....ok." Then he was like, "So...how long have you guys been going to movies and stuff? You never mentioned it before."
Maybe I imagined it, but Jimmy already sounded a bit...'left out', you know? Not hurt really, just...working things out in his head. He knows I'm gay, he knows Lee definitely has at least gay tendencies, he knows Lee is hot...how long before he adds everything up and jumps to the right conclusion?
I was like, "Honestly, Jimmy. It was no big deal. Just...yeah. Well, you know, I know him through Joanna, so..."
Jimmy said, "Funny, I just thought you would have said something about it when I was talking about Lee the other day. It was just...kinda strange, you know?" I was starting to panic. I didn't have any 'safe' words coming to to my defense. Jimmy was like, "So, how is he these days? Is he doing ok?"
I said, "Sure. He's fine." Then I was like, "You know what? I've really gotta run."
He's like, "How come?"
I didn't expect that question at all. "Um...how come? Like...you mean why?"
He said, "Can't you talk for a little bit?"
I was like, "Actually, I was supposed help my mom with something. So...we should probably talk later or something."
Another pause. Then he was like, "Oh. Ok. Well...I'll see you in school tomorrow then. If you talk to Lee...I mean, just tell him I said 'hi' or something."
I was like, "Sure. I'll do that. I'll...yeah...Jimmy said hi. He'd like that."
He was like, "Well...ok. Later, Billy." I sorta said goodbye really fast and hung up, letting out a huge sigh of relief. The worries surrounded me like sharks in open water. I started having these awful images of me breaking up with Lee and Jimmy and Lee talking to each other on the phone or something and having it all come out at once. Jimmy would never SPEAK to me again! Just hearing that Lee and I went to the movies together was enough to get him to call me and start asking questions about it. Ahhh....FUCK!!!
Ok, so...maybe...maybe I should way until Jimmy stops snooping around before I tell Lee about us not being together anymore. Another week maybe? I mean...I just don't wanna hurt Jimmy by having him know that I had sex with not only AJ but Lee as well. He's gonna start thinking I'm targeting his boyfriends on purpose. Ugh...
One more week. That should do it. Lee probably won't even notice. He hardly talks to me as it is. I'll wait til the weekend. Then I'll tell him. I just have to keep Jimmy from playing detective until then.
Anyway...the Lee and Jimmy situation...least of my problems today. Weird, right?
I uhhh....I talked to Sam today.
To say that he's being weird again would be an understatement. But at least this time I have an idea as to why. You know...despite me being totally afraid of the whole issue, I tried to force myself to take a few chances anyway. I was at Sam's house, and he was sitting on his bed playing games while I was sitting on the floor right next to him. He really looked cute today. He has these faded red sweatpants that he wears sometimes...the fabric is really thin. He always wears them with a white t-shirt, and it just shows off his butt soooo nicely. And the sexy little 'jiggle' in the front...it's mouthwatering. I think the fact that he was looking so hot today helped me to say something. Not everything, but something.
I remember being there on his bedroom floor, my face almost touching the side of his leg. It was hard to not think about the fact that...if things went well...I could be kneeling right in front of him, peeling those thin sweats down, and sucking his delicious meat deeply into my throat while he moaned my name. Just the right words, just the right approach, and I could be making love to the best friend I've ever had. That choked me up a bit, but I kept my head level for as long as I could.
Finally, Sam smiled at me and he was like, "You're being awfully quiet today. What gives?" He handed me his video game controller and said, "You want next?"
I was nervous as hell, but you know what they say...'nothing ventured, nothing gained'. So I looked up at him, blushing a bit but trying to hold it in as bet as I could. I was like, "Sam...can I, like...talk to you about...something?"
He said, "Ooh, mysterious. Hehehe!" He paused the game to give me his full attention. I was kind of afraid that he'd do that. He was like, "Go ahead. What's up?" I fidgeted a little more, my teeth practically chattering at this point. Sam wrinkled his forehead a bit and asked, "Are you ok? Dude, what is it?"
Deep breath. Maybe one of the deepest breaths that I've ever taken before. "Sam...we've been friends, like...forever, right? I mean, no matter what, that's never gonna change. Um...right?"
He was confused for a moment, and when he saw the stress on my face, he put the game controller down, and slid down to the floor right beside me. You SEE??? That's Sam. Concerned and attentive and caring...always bringing himself down to my level. This couldn't be real. It was too good. Way too perfect.
He said, "I'll be damned if I go shopping for another best friend now. I doubt anybody else would put up with me." He tried to get me to smirk, but I only did it briefly to be polite.
I was like, "You remember....like...afew weeks ago when you asked me....when you asked if I ever thought of you? I mean, like...in that way?"
Sam said, "Yeah. And if I remember correctly, you're reply was 'HELL no'! Hehehe! What about it?"
I waited until the words were right in my head, and then said, "Yeah, well...you know I didn't mean that, right? I mean...about the 'hell no' part."
Sam grinned for a second, and he blushed a little. It was so CUTE! He smiled, and he was like, "Aww, dude, I know. I was just teasing you. Don't sweat it."
I gulped a bit, and went a bit further. I was like, "Well...I mean...Sam, I...I kinda lied about that part."
Sam's expression changed a little bit, and I could instantly feel what little courage I had draining out of me like water out of a leaky plastic bag. He's like, "Sure. Ok. No hard feelings." And he got up to sit back on his bed again. I could already feel this great distance growing between us. He might as well have pulled a giant iron gate down on me. He unpaused the game and started playing again. We both stayed quiet for a minute or two.
Then I was like, "Sam...can we just...keep talking? I mean, I kinda wanted to ask you something."
He seemed to be messing up in the game now, so I know his concentration was off. He seemed a bit anxious. He was like, "I dunno. Is it really important?" I didn't even get a chance to answer before he said, "Jesus, I've got a lot of homework to do tonight. I totally forgot about my English paper due tomorrow. I didn't even start looking up any research or anything..."
I was like, "Sam? Dude, can we just...I need to get this out. Do you remember the night of my party, when I got a little 'soaked' in the head...and I...?"
He stopped me. "You're always bringing up that party. What's with you? That was over a month and a half ago. Just let it be and stop thinking about it already."
I said, "I can't stop thinking about it." I tried to look him in the eye, and I said, "Sam...dude, just answer me one question."
He's like, "WHAT? What question, already? Jesus!" Why was he getting MAD at me? :(
I'm like, "I just wanna know if...." I took another deep breath, and I was like, "...Sam, did you put me to bed that night? At my party?"
He was like, "SO??? So what? God, you're being so freakin' weird right now." He was more irritated than ever.He wouldn't even take his eyes off of the video game screen.
I said, "Well, I mean...just before I passed out...I just remember..."
And he was like, "I don't wanna talk about this. Ok? I mean it." He lost a life in his game, and tossed the controller to the floor in anger. Then he's like, "You know what? I've really got a lot of stuff to do before tomorrow, so...maybe you should, like...go home or something."
I don't think any words had ever hurt me more. Not since Brandon first broke my heart. Not since my parents told me they were splitting up. Not since Jimmy told me he was gonna hurt himself once he got out of the hospital. This was one of my top five worst moments of my life, and my eyes watered up beyond my control.
I said, "You know what? Forget it." I think the first tear fell before I could even grab my stuff to leave.
Sam was like, "Fine. Forget it then. What'd you bring it up for in the first place?"
And I said, "You just don't understand anything!" And I called him a jerk and left with a few sniffles.
I guess Sam felt guilty about it, and suddenly he was coming down the steps after me, saying, "Billy...c'mon, dude. I'm sorry. Wait up."
But I didn't. I just left. And I didn't look back either. The whole damn thing was a mistake. The coward won't even talk to me. I KNOW it was him that kissed me! I KNOW it! And now he's just being....he's just....
I think I just wanna lay down and cry for a while. Way to go, Billy....
You've totally screwed up another important part of your life.
I hope life gets easier. Because if this is the best time of my life...I'd rather not see what's coming next.
Ps- Stupid 'Kiss Mystery' list! I'm crumpling this thing up and throwing it in the FUCKING trash where it belongs!!!
|The "Kiss Mystery" List|