"Billy Chase #249"

- I was just looking at some old emails from Brandon on my computer today. I can't explain it, but whenever I read something that he wrote to me...it's like I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing and how I was feeling the day he sent it to me for the first time. Sometimes he'd write me the cutest emails that just went on for pages and pages and it filled my heart with so much love and limitless joy. Just getting to learn more about him and tune in to who he really was as a person. Then...there were other times when he just sent me a quickie note to say 'I love you' with a smiley face. It's funny...but both the long and short versions carried an equal amount of weight with me. Three words meant just as much as three hundred. God...he was sooooo cute to me back then.

Then...there's a definitive date in my inbox...where the emails just...stopped. And when I took notice of the date, I realized how long it had been since they came regular. I think I truly realized how much I missed him when I saw that. All the kisses and giggles in the world won't ever take me back there again. It makes my heart feel so useless right now.

Sighhhh...I've got Brandon on the brain again. Why do I still ache over him so much after such a long time? I'm starting to wonder if this feeling will ever go away.

I guess it's because I got to talk with him today and share a smile or two with him. I should probably stay away from him. I know that I'm just gong to end up wrecking things between him and Stevie if I keep hanging around. He doesn't trust me at all. I guess I didn't give him much reason to. But sometimes I can't help myself. I'm literally 'addicted' to Brandon's smile. His very presence. You know...all this time I was hoping he would talk to me again, but in all honesty, I think being close to him again made things worse. Like...I could force myself to keep away when he was hostile and angry at me. Now, every time I see that sparkle in his beautiful eyes...it's like I start to fall for him all over again.

I dunno, maybe it's just because I was getting such a lack of affection from Lee, and such a cold shoulder from Sam, that made me crave some kind of real connection again. And Brandon was the best example that I've ever had in my whole life of what love should be. But the closer I get to him, the more he keeps me distant. And the more distant I am, the stronger my desire to get closer again. I hate being so confused all the time.

I walked with him to class today. I saw him at his locker and went over to say hello. Waited with him a few minutes and then started walking. I try not to let my feelings show. I swallow them whole and push them as deep beneath the surface of my skin as I can manage. But between me and the last few fleeting pages of this book...he was looking extremely sexy today. I've always loved him in that shirt. It's like the perfect shirt for him. A hundred people could wear that shirt, and it wouldn't look as good on a single one of them.

I remember thinking that it was cute when he said, "God, I'm so hungry right now. Lunch is still an hour away. I wish I could smuggle in a cheeseburger or something." He smiled when he saw me giggling. He's like, "Can you see me doing that? Trying to answer math questions with ketchup and mustard smeared all over my lips like a clown? Hehehe!"

I'm like, "Cheese stuck all between your teeth..."

And he said, "Like...spitting onions and pickles on the back of the neck of the guy in front of me!" We shared a laugh, and...I don't know. It felt like our eyes connected for a second. JUST a second. But...I like...felt something. A nervousness in my stomach. That split second nearly took my breath away. And then it was over. Just....over.

Things almost felt 'right' again.

He got to his class and stopped at the door. There was an awkward moment where we didn't know what to say to one another. Then he's like, "Well...see ya."

I didn't want him to go. I just felt like begging him to stay. For just a few more seconds. But...would I have been wrong to do that? It's probably best that I just shyly waved goodbye and let him go. I need to have better control around him. Just...STOP IT, Billy! He's taken already. And even if he wasn't, it would take about a billion years to repair the damage you've done. He's never gonna forgive me for Bobby Jinette. Not even if I started sacrificing furry little animals at Cupid's altar, would he ever forget what I did. So...bow out gracefully and let it go.

Anyway, some weirdness this morning...

I kinda ditched Sam this morning before school. I just...didn't want to see him. He won't even talk about what happened. And now I'm starting to doubt that it was even him. Does that sound stupid? I mean, it had to be Sam, right? The mystery is over! I threw the list in the trash. Well...I crumpled it up and threw it out, but then I smoothed it out and put it in between the pages of this book. I guess it is something I might wanna remember some day. I just wish Sam wasn't being so dumb about all this and would just talk to me. I mean...it's not like I asked him to be my BOYFRIEND or anything. You know...I don't even care. To hell with him kissing me. It wasn't even that great. Why should I care?

Ugh...that even looks fake on paper.

It would have been sooooo cool to make out with him just once while I was somewhat coherent though. I dunno...maybe Sam's right. I should just let the past be the past and move on. Stupid accident. That's all it was. A SEXY accident. And I missed it.

Something else to regret for the rest of my days. I swear, I'm gonna turn out to be a serial killer one of these days. I'm off to a great start.

Anyway, while taking alternate routes to avoid running into my best friend with the hot lips, I screwed up and ran into Jimmy between classes. I wasn't really worried about it at first, but I barely got a hello out of my mouth before he started asking about Lee again. And not just casually asking questions either. He was probing. How often do we get together? What do we talk about? When might we get together again? Can he come along next time? Did Lee ask about him? Arrrrghhh!!! What the hell is he getting so excited about?

Then again...considering my reaction to Brandon earlier today, I guess I can understand. And 'sympathize'. Just a hint, a touch of a promise that things might go back to the way they were when you were truly happy...it can be overwhelming.

I was able to make a getaway after a few minutes, but Jimmy gave me a strange look. And at one point he just asked me, "Billy...is there something you're not telling me?" Grrrr, remind me to find Stacy and tell her to keep her big mouth shut about seeing me out anywhere from now on!

I was like, "No. Not at all. How come?"

Jimmy was like, "Well, because every time I bring up the subject, you start getting weird and trying to run off somewhere. I mean, what am I missing here?"

I wish he could just stop thinking about this. Leave it alone. Does he WANT to get hurt again? I told him, "No, I just...I've got to get to class. Why do you think...? I haven't even talked to Lee. So...you know...whatever."

He looked at me closer. He was quiet for a second. Then he looked away from me, like, "Why do I get the feeling that you're lying to me?"

I said, "I'm NOT. Ok?"

He says, "I know you, Billy. You've been a major focus in my life for long enough to know when you're not being honest with me."

I didn't know what to say to that. I just...started backing away and walking to class. I told him, "Dude, I said we would talk later, ok? I promise. Just not right now."

Jimmy just kinda pouted about it. He's like, "Whatever. Later. Tomorrow. Next week. Fine." Why is it the MORE I try not to hurt people, the more they seemed to force me into that position?

He's totally gonna end up hating me. I know it. He's gonna call Lee and talk to him without me there. How can I call Lee and tell him not to mention our 'arrangement' to Jimmy when I'm getting ready to break up with him? Something about this seems so unfair. No matter where I turn, there's another trap.

Wait...hold on a sec...

Sam just tried to call the house, but I didn't pick up. I just...I don't know if I wanted to. But then he sent me an email a minute later. He said, "I know you're home." And when I looked, he was standing outside my house with his cell phone. I looked down at him, and he didn't really say anything. Then again, neither did I.

We just kinda looked at each other for a few moments. I couldn't really read the expression on his face. Was it worry? Or confusion? I couldn't really tell. All I know is that after about a minute of silence, he mouthed the words 'I'm sorry'...and I melted. I always melt when it comes to Sam.

He gave me a slight wave with his hand, and then started to walk back to his house. He gave me the cutest smile, and I just...I couldn't help but smile too. I waved back, and somehow...that whole stupid problem of what happened at the party was temporarily solved again. But...you know...not.

Sighhhh...my Sam.

I wish he didn't do this to me. My heart has been flipped over so much that I hardly know what to expect from it anymore. I probably shouldn't set myself up for another heartbreak. But....do I really have a choice?

Anyway, I'm gonna stop writing now. I've only got a few pages left in this book. If I write small, maybe I can fit everything in before laying this journal to rest. I've got a little bit of cash to buy myself a new one...but...

well...reading Brandon's old emails...with us being so lovey dovey and sweet to each other...it kinda reminded me that he bought me a new journal for my birthday. A blank one. Heh...wouldn't it be weird, having Brandon's last gift to me start off the next book of my life? Who knows? Maybe it's a sign of better days to come.

Gotta go. I've got some tossing and turning to do tonight. Later.

- Billy