- Hehehe....::Blush:: Sam kissed me today!

I mean, it wasn't anything super sexy or anything, but when I went to his house after school, he caught me staring at him a few times. I've kinda gotten so shameless in my attractions to him now that it's all out in the open and stuff. Hehehe! Anyway, it makes him sooooo hard to know that I want him so badly all the time! Is that, like...and ego thing, or what? I think he gets a kick out of knowing that I'd gladly drop to my knees anytime he asked me to. I think it makes him feel really sexy sometimes.

Anyway, so...he like, blushed a little bit, and he hugged me. And then he let me kiss on the lips for about five minutes or so before letting me go. All these years and I never once would have guessed that Sam's kissing technique would be so damn orgasmic. He REALLY knows how to make me weak in the legs with his lips. I wish I could describe just how awesome it is. Every time he kisses's like...Christmas morning! I swear to God! It's soooo hot! I don't know how he does it. I wanna learn how to do that. His kiss isn't too hard, but not too soft. It's gentle and passionate, but not lewd or lustful. His tongue isn't too invasive. It's just...really sweet and nice, you know? And the way his hands hold me sooooo firmly. It's like....he posseses me, you know? It makes me feel protected for some reason. I kinda like that feeling. It's new to me.

Yikes...I think I'm developing a straight boy fetish. Hehehe!

The weird thing much as I love for him to take over and just hold me like that...I know I'd never get any attention from him at all in that way if I didn't push him a little bit. Hehehe, which is also kinda fun. Because I don't think he could really resist me if I truly wanted to seduce him on a daily basis. I play around here and there, sure...but any time that I make him think about us being together or give him a certain 'hint' that I wanted him....he gets really hot for me again. He denies it, but I can tell. He gets hard in his pants and turns red in the face and tries his bet to avoid me. But I really LIKE being able to arouse him this way! Hehehe! It's true! Do you know what an ego stroke it is to know that I can drive him so crazy that he'd go against his own sexuality just to indulge in the release that I'm willing to give him? There's something so freakin' SEXY about knowing that he wants me despite what his natural instincts are telling him! Knowing that I can have him with just a few choice words and a sexy smile.

It makes me feel....I dunno...powerful, you know? It makes me feel like he's really 'mine' in a way. And that's just plain awesome! I've got him wrapped around my little finger! Hehehe!

Anyway, I think a big part of him kissing me was just for my benefit, and a part of it was just plain horny hormones. Mostly because I kept hinting at how hot he was. I've never really been this much of a flirt before. I think it's the fact that Sam and I are so close that makes it easy. I mean, I don't ever have to worry about feeling dirty or perverted with him. I mean, we laugh and tease each other all the time, sure...but there's a level of honesty between us that gives me the freedom to practically come right out and tell him, "God, I wanna suck you silly!!! Can I? Please?"

Hehehe, sometimes, this whole situation is SO unreal! But it's...kind 'comfortable' too. No pressure. I like this friends with benefits deal.

So, it's Friday, and I'm soooo happy that it's the weekend! My teachers are starting to get kinda crazy with the homework all of a sudden, and it's hard to keep everything straight in my head. Plus...well...Jimmy kinda cornered me today. It was only for a minute or two, but I'm evidently still doing a certain amount of damage by trying to hide out from him.

It was really quick, but when we made eye contact, I kinda gave him a weak hello. And the first thing he said to me was, "Are you gonna have time to talk to me today? Or is 'hi' the most I can expect from you?"

He was like....pouting. And I hadn't even DONE anything to make him sad! It was hard for me to not roll my eyes, but I said, "Jimmy...dude, what is up with you? I mean, I can't even speak to you without you being pissed at me."

He says, "I'm not pissed at you, Billy. I just want you to feel like you can be honest to me when you talk to me."

I'm like, "What am I LYING about??? What the hell is wrong with you?" Maybe I said it in the wrong tone of voice or something, but....fuck! What does he want from me? Sometimes people act like they WANT their lives to turn to shit and make you the blame for it, you know?

Jimmy just shut his locker really fast and turned his back to me. He walked away, like, "Nevermind. I guess it doesn't matter then."

I'm like, "Jimmy, c'mon...! Why are you even being like this?" But he just walked away from me. Why do I owe HIM a confession? WHY??? It's not like him and Lee were together when we were fooling around. Hell, Lee and I aren't even TOGETHER anymore! So why can't he just let it go? It's done. It's over. Grow up already and get over it. Jesus.

Now, I talked briefly with Bobby Jinette today...and HE'S being mature about the whole thing. I mean, he and I aren't together anymore, and he's obviously moved on. I still think that he avoids me on purpose sometimes, but at least he's dealing with it better than Jimmy is. I wanted to be free, and he freed me. Period. What's so difficult about that?

Come to think of it, Lee could take a lesson from Bobby too. Because he's apparently 'freaking out' over our split up. At least that's what Randall said to me in an email tonight. Funny, I never expected that. I can't stress enough how careful I had to be with telling Lee what my true feelings were. Never being able to say I loved him. Never being able to intrude on his precious 'alone time'. Lowering my expectations and numbing my emotions to the point of feeling nothing at all, just so I wouldn't be heartbroken when I asked him for a kiss and got either rejected or ignored. I really did try but it wasn't what I wanted my relationship with another boy to be. It just....wasn't.

When I was with love was so open. So free. I could really express myself, and I knew that it wouldn't totally freak him out or send him into a fit of hysteria where he ignored me or just stopped talking to me. I don't WANT to be 'careful' with how I love somebody! I don't WANT to lower my expectations over how they return that love to me when I give it to them from the core of my heart! I just wish I could leap forward a few weeks in time and be done with this whole thing.

Lee's hot, he's got the cutest personality ever, and he's got a body that people would DIE to snuggle up to naked. He'll find somebody new in no time. I'm sure of it.

And...for the first time, I feel like...they can have him. Ugh...just go away, already.

(I can't believe I just wrote that. I'm not being fair, am I?)

Well...Randall is like, "Dude...what the heck happened? I don't think that I've ever seen Lee so...'weird' over another boy before. Did you guys have a fight?"

At first, I wasn't gonna answer. I was sure that whatever I told Randall was going to make its way back to Lee somehow. For all I knew, Lee might have sent Randall to be his spy to figure out what went wrong. But after a few thoughts, I kinda liked the idea of telling Randall the truth, and maybe having HIM find a way to sugarcoat it for Lee to hear. So I gave him the gist of it all and told him what happened. Right down to giving him the opportunity to respond when I told him that I loved him at the movie...and he just left me hanging without an answer. And once I sent the email, I turned off my computer and just left it for him to figure out without anymore explanation from me whatsoever. Sighhh, I's another cowardly tactic on the part of Billy Chase. But I'm seriously just trying to close the door on this part of my life. If we can end up still being friends after this, then AWESOME. I'd love that. But boyfriends? We're just....incompatible. And he can't be the boy that I need him to be or that he used to TELL me he was. That boy is gone. He vanished for some unknown reason, and I can't just keep believing that it's all MY fault for chasing him away anymore. It's been long enough for him to fix this issue of his. I don't hold back with my feelings when I love somebody, why should he?

OH! So back to Bobby! I, um...I kinda asked him about his red haired friend that always meets him after gym class these days. I wasn't too forward about it (I don't think), but I was definitely curious. I mean, I can tell when Bobby is paying someone some extra EXTRA attention, you know? So I asked him, "So...who's that boy you've been hanging out with so much lately?"

Bobby gave me a nervous look at first. He was like, " mean Ian?"

I said, "Is that his name?"

He said, "Um...yeah. Taller than me? Kinda reddish hair and stuff?" I nodded, and Bobby just sorta shrugged. He said, "Yeah, he's...he's cool." But he didn't say anything else.

It kinda made me grin for a second, and I said, "Sooooo...?" He asked me what I meant, and I was like, "Soooo...TELL me about him! Are you guys, know...?"

I think Bobby turned a deeper shade of red than I've ever seen on his cute face before. Hahaha! Awwww, it was adorable! But he told me, " I" Then he giggled to himself, and gave me a shove. He was like, "What, are you watching me now?"

And I told him, "No. I just...I think he's...nice."

Bobby looked me in the eye. I think he was kinda surprised that I noticed. And he said, "Yeah. I know." Then his eyes widened a bit and he said, "But we haven't really, uhhh...gotten into anything like...I mean, we haven't, like...'talked' or anything...about...that. If you know what I mean. He's just...he's cool. We're cool. That's all."

You know, I have to admit, seeing Bobby Jinette with a crush was really CUTE when I wasn't on the opposite end of it. It's funny, but bobby can be really sweet sometimes. It was one of those moments when I felt like I would be LUCKY to have him as my boyfriend. A thought I 'not-so-quickly' pushed out of my mind once I had it.

He still has an amazing ass though. Is it weird that I can't talk about him without thinking about it. Well, trust me...if you had gotten the opportunity to sink, balls deep in that tight hole and feel those squishy cheeks bounce off of your'd TOTALLY understand! One of the best fucks of my life! (Excluding Brandon and Sam, of course. But that was for other reasons.)

Speaking of Brandon, I saw him and Stevie going out to lunch together today. I should be used to seeing them together by now. It's good that they found each other. That's what I keep trying to tell myself. But it still kinda aches inside. Even now more than ever. I think it's because Brandon is being nice enough to at least give me a tiny window of hope these days. As they walked out of the side door of the school, Brandon looked back over his shoulder at me and gave me a timid little smile. I hate the way that his smile can still make my heart race the way it does. It's like a nasty case of the flu that you just can't get rid of, no matter how hard you try.

I wonder if him and Stevie still get together and like...'do it' with each other. Call me a perv, but I kinda wanna know what Stevie looks like naked. I mean, don't get me wrong...I still kinda HATE him deep down inside...but I could never say that he wasn't extremely cute. I'm sure Brandon enjoys his sex with him. And that....hurts.

When I think about it...I think that's why I kinda pushed Sam to kiss me today. I was kinda looking for the affection that I was lacking at that particular moment. And as long as Sam is still sore hearted over Joanna, he'll be looking for some attention as well. I guess we're both perfectly balanced in our need to hold someone close to our hearts. Someone safe. Someone who won't use us, neglect us, or make us feel unwanted. Somehow...despite all the odds against our situation working out for the still 'works'. I guess I can take comfort in that. At least for now.

Mmmm, still thinking about his kiss. I can honestly jack off *JUST* thinking about tongue kissing my best friend! How amazing is that? Hehehe!

Alright, I've babbled enough. I'm sure Randall wrote me back tonight, but I'll read it in the morning. I don't wanna think anymore tonight. I just wanna zone out in front of the computer and nothing else. Maybe I'll cruise YouTube for a while. There's supposedly this really cute 'Jesse-101' boy on there that's gay and makes video blogs once a week! This, I've GOTTA see! :)


- Billy